How the heck did THIS happen??

[S.Ken]

Okay, I met a girl a few months back who liked me, but I wasn't quite feeling her for numerous reasons. Anyway, I tell her up front that I wasn't ready for any kind of relationship because I was still carrying some baggage with me. She said she understood. 2 months later, I finally got rid of said baggage and surprisingly, the girl is still there so I decided to give her a shot, but NOT without setting some ground rules down. Bottom line: I didn't want anything serious AT ALL. This was basically a FLING. Nothing more, nothing less. I DID NOT want anything serious!

She agreed and so we started dating.

 

Things were going great, she was a cool girl, but I noticed right away, we didn't have much to talk about, but it was a fling, so I didn't think too much of it. She also smoked a lot of pot, but it was a fling so I didn't think much of it. Then she started getting very clingy... I'm talking static cling! She wanted to spend the night with me every night! If not at my place, then she wanted me to come to hers. This was starting to concern me, but I reminded myself that it was nothing since she surely hasn't forgotten our deal.

3 months later, she pulls the ol' "distant routine" and making excuses about not wanting to hang out and displaying subtle signs of hostility and blah blah blah. Well, being a seasoned vet of the dating game, these were the first signs of a break up, so I waited for her to give "the speech". When she didn't, I confronted her about why she was being such a pain.

 

Well her answer nearly floored me. She said that we were spending too much time together and maybe we should tone it down a little. THIS is coming from a girl who would show up at my doorstep with a change of clothes and half of her bathroom without asking if she could stay over. THIS coming from a girl who would NOT get off of me when I was trying to do other things. THIS coming from a girl who would pout when I didn't want to spend the night at her place with her stoner friends. THIS coming from a girl who wanted to spend the whole weekend together, every freakin' weekend.

 

She also thought that things were getting a little too serious between us and she thought I wanted something more. I asked her why on earth she would think such a thing. She said that guys "my age" (there's an 8 year gap) are usually wanting to settle down and raise a family and all that crap. I couldn't help but laugh... LOUDLY. After I was done, I asked her why she thought I wanted to settle down with her. She replied that she kinda freaked out when she saw me looking at a House Buyer's Catalog. I nearly blacked out from laughing so hard! 20 minutes later I stopped and said I did want to settle down one day and raise a family... but NOT with YOU. I thought I was pretty nice about it, but I could tell that she was actually hurt by my comment and tried to play it off. Tough. I reminded her of our deal and I was NOT about to change my mind.

I also found out that she had a TRUCK load of baggage from her previous relationship.

 

What the heck?!! Did she think I was kidding? Is her ego so big that she would assume that I was just going to fall in love with her?? I took every measure to avoid idiotic drama like this and it didn't do any good! WHY do women have to make things sooooo complicated?

 

Anyway, we talked about what we were going to do next and she said she wanted a more casual relationship (as if we were serious). Everyone knows that when the "C word" comes up, it's over.

 

I gave her a way out by telling her to spend some time alone and think about it and if she felt the same by Monday, we would take it from there.

 

Of course I knew what the answer would be, but I thought I'd give her a way out, so nobody had to go through the ordeal of being "dumped" I have to give her credit though. She had enough courtesy to tell me face to face about her decision instead of pulling the familiar "disappearing act" that most women do. That says a lot about her character and it finally answered my question on why I liked her in the first place, because it certainly wasn't the almost total lack of chemistry.

 

She said she still wanted to be friends, but not surprisingly I haven't heard anything from her in 2 months. Maybe she's doing the NC thing.

 

Jeez... can't a guy have a nice simple fling anymore??

[Falucchi]

So you wanted to more or less use this girl for fun and games and now you ended up with alittle bruise on your ego?

boo freakin' hoo

 

I guess them's the breaks when you use a girl you dont' care about for sex and little else.

[asdf]

those who live by the sword, die by the sword.

 

or get shot by those who don't, but either way they die.

 

i refuse to elaborate further as my analogy has almost died.

[magic_is_afoot]

I don't think I've ever actually met anyone who has managed to have a successful "fling". Inevitably human emotions are irrepressible and completely unavoidable...

[Flora]

So you wanted to more or less use this girl for fun and games and now you ended up with alittle bruise on your ego?

boo freakin' hoo

 

I guess them's the breaks when you use a girl you dont' care about for sex and little else.

 

I second that!!

[S.Ken]

As I've said before, we BOTH agreed that we didn't want anything serious.

 

Another thing she said is that she's never been in a relationship longer than 2 months and we were closing in on 3 months and she said she was getting scared where it was heading with us.

As I've said, she's had a string of lousy and abusive relationships. She said to me that I was the only one to treat her with common courtesy and respect. I do this with all women I date no matter if they're a simple fling or the love of my life. It's no big deal to me, but she considers it "being spoiled". The concept of a man actually being nice was so alien to her she just assumed I wanted a commitment.

 

Despite her clingy behavior, she was trying to make it seem that I was doing the smothering, complaining that she didn't have enough time to do things she had to do and etc. THAT'S what annoyed me the most. It's not like I forced her to invite herself to my place or invite me to hers. I refuse to be the scapegoat for anyone's problems.

 

I don't know where the bruised ego thing is coming from. If you're referring to her painting me as a desperate old man willing to settle with the first girl that smiles at him, that kinda freaked me out more than anything. Who would assume such a thing by seeing a Home Buying Guide??? That's just unsettling.

[RayKay]

Well, I don't really see what the big deal is. You wanted a fling, she went along with it but was more than you bargained for, and you got an easy way out when she said she wanted out.

 

Flings are temporary, and this was that.

 

You were not compatible, and got an out of having to force it or break it off yourself.

 

What does it matter why she left or what she said, maybe she needed to justify it to herself.

 

Note for future...even in flings you can actually like the person you are having the fling with. It did not even sound like you really liked her, so why did you bother?

 

And another note...sometimes when girls say they are "cool with something casual"...they are lying through their teeth. They are only okay with it until their feelings get involved.

[duchesstigerlily]

I have to say how selfish and egotistical you sound. Wow, what a lucky girl...you gave her a "shot"...I think she's better off having cut all ties with you and I'm sure she has plenty of time to find someone who will respect her..fling or no fling.

 

If you want to have a "fling"...at least remember the person you are having the fling with has feelings and be considerate.

 

You say, "why cant a guy just have a fling anymore?"...and I say...why cant men be gentlemen anymore instead of selfish, egotistical, pigs (not all men..sorry to all the decent guys out there! ).

[S.Ken]

RayKay:

I know that a fling is temporary and I would've had no problem if all she said is that she wanted out, but what bugged me was she started implicating that I was pressuring her for a commitment which couldn't be further from the truth. But if that's how she wants to justify things, so be it.

 

I actually do like this girl. We did have some chemistry with each other, but not enough to sustain a serious relationship. Even when the inevitable happened and we split up, I would have no problems with still being her friend.

 

Good point about the casual thing. She did tell me how frustrating it was falling for guys who don't return the favor. I assumed she was talking about someone else, but now...

 

Dutchesstigerlily:

Prior to meeting this girl, I had just gotten out of a very serious relationship and I had no desire to hop into another. I told her this when I realized that she wanted something more than friendship.

 

I make no apologies for taking a break from the serious involved relationship by having a little fun before making that sort of commitment again, but one thing I would NEVER do is string along a girl into believing I wanted a committed relationship with them when I didn't. I've had that done to me and it's one of the lousiest feelings in the world being manipulated like that and I would NEVER do that to anyone else.

This is why I was so upfront with her from the beginning. If she said she wanted something more, I wouldn't have gotten involved with her. PERIOD.

 

Did you read my previous post? I did respect this girl's feelings a great deal, like I would with any girl I date, serious or otherwise. As a matter of fact, her friends constantly remarked how they wish they could find a guy who did half the things I did for her. But I never forgot that this was a temporary deal and didn't delude myself into thinking otherwise.

[punchy504]

I have got to weigh in on the original posters side on this one, he did not use her, he laid out the parameters he wanted in a relationship, she agreed, he is not at fault for her agreeing and hoping things would change down the road (and btw OP, women do that a lot!)

 

I had a wonderful fling right after my divorce, we were both on the same page, agreed to the rules, and were respectful. and we both left it happy and happy we had known each other- she didn't play by the rules and got her feelings hurt because of it.

[Cecelius]

I agree with the original poster about not using her -- if she knew the score going in, she's not being used.

 

What's funny is that she was over the top, all over him, but got scared off by thinking he was looking at houses for them to live in... Yes, some young ladies have shockingly large egos: I once was lamenting to a girl I'd been hooking up with about a job offer in another state. She assumed I intended to ask her to move with me and then tried to LJBF me.

 

As a seasoned dater, you know you just ran up against a clear lesson of push-pull, especially with young ladies: she's happy to chase you when she thinks you don't really care but as soon as she knows you want her more than X% (which she concluded from you reading house listings), she freaks.

[Iceman26]

Agree or disagree, more often than not, women put more emotional attachment into sex than men do.

 

Its easy for her to say that she agrees to have things be casual when she has never slept with you. After she starts sleeping with you is when the attachment began.

[Falucchi]

I'd just have to think that when you decide to get into bed with a person, you open yourself up to ALOT of potential situations that may outweight the initial "fun and games" fling idea.

 

In fact, sometimes a fling can damage the rest of your life.

 

Since the stakes are high: pregnancy, AIDS, STD's, herpes, a person becoming emotionally attached, causing a some really deep pain if that happens, someone going mental/stalker on me --- I'd kind of only want to be with people who I might consider worth the risk.

Since no protection is 100%, I tend to avoid jeopardizing my health and well-being with people I- 1) don't know well and 2) don't truly care about.

 

I'm old fashioned that way though. Or maybe just old.