Ex is really mad at me and I can't figure out why...

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

At some point you have to start accepting that this IS who she is and stop making excuses for her. There are no two people there, just one and at her core, she is abusive.

You say that she is different from your previous relationships and family, but looking in from the outside, she is exactly the same. She may seem different when she shows a different aspect of her personality, but again, ALL of the aspects of her personality are all her all the time.

 

 

Yea and because of her I don't think I can ever trust anyone again.  Normally abusive people show their true colors while still in the relationship.  She waited until after.  This is a whole new thing. 

I don't think I can handle another relationship at this point.  Maybe I was meant to be alone. 

I'm still deciding what to do with her W2 that I got this morning.  I know there is another one coming, too. 

[Cynder]

16 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep, I'm glad you stuck up for yourself, and it's true that you had nothing to lose by doing that.

You've observed that people cater to her, and I'm glad you had the self respect to not do that.

We see a lot of people asking how to go about 'getting' closure, but I think you've demonstrated how to give it to your Self.

Head high.

You know...  this time last week I was so in love with her.  Even after almost 6 months.  And this wasn't one of those, Well maybe I am, maybe I'm not things.  I mean, I knew I was in love with her. 

Now though, I'm not really sure anymore.  It's surprising hoe one week can have that much impact.  The sweet, intelligent, funny, kind, beautiful woman I fell in love with turned into a bully. 

And I'm still sitting here questioning myself... Like maybe it really is me that's the problem.  If you smell crap everywhere you go, check your shoes, right?  Everyone loves her.  She has her legion of groupies who think she's the coolest person alive.  She posts on Facebook about how "ugly" she is, knowing damn well she's not ugly.  And she gets tons of comments from people telling her otherwise.  But me telling her how beautiful she is was one of the reasons she left me.  Like, why is everyone else allowed to tell her?  And her looks are going to start to fade soon.  Then what?  When she can't get everyone to fawn all over her because she's not hot anymore what will she do?

She loved that painting so much when I gave it to her.  She took pics of it and showed it off to all her friends.  She got all excited hanging it up, etc.  And then she just gives it away.  She can just go off on me for no reason when I'm already miserable and in pain with a back injury.  And then when she apologizes I don't just immediately bow down and worship her.  So I'm nothing to her. 

In writing this post it suddenly hit me that it will be Spring time soon and festival season will be here before I know it.  Maybe that's what I need to focus on right now. 

 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

Normally abusive people show their true colors while still in the relationship.  She waited until after.

I don't know. She did something pretty rotten to you right smack dab the middle of your happy relationship. You were both actually talking marriage and then she suddenly and inexplicably dumped you like a pile of bricks. Gave you no warning. Left your house in chaos, ignored you, blocked you, told you she was disappointed in you--knowing you cared, knowing you were worried about her. That's just cold. I know you believe she was having a nervous breakdown, but maybe that was also her nasty streak showing up. Mental illness doesn't make it ok to be downright mean to other people, does it? 

Is your relationship really over? Perhaps not. What stands out to me is that once again, she's trying to put everything on her own terms with more inexplicable anger and blocking. I think that if you follow her lead your relationship will continue. But I think it will probably be a push/pull on-again/off-again situation. A corner has been turned.

As for people showering her with adulation: I was actually just thinking today that social media is very useful for observing modern trends in mindlessness. Lots of people put on public performances, especially when there's a chance of public shaming for having a contrarian opinion (for example, the outright hatred you experienced when posting on a trans partners forum--to the point where someone actually took screenshots of your profile to continue harassing you). Some people are lunatics. Other people are afraid of those lunatics and do their best to appease them.

There's something almost religious about it.

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

In writing this post it suddenly hit me that it will be Spring time soon and festival season will be here before I know it.  Maybe that's what I need to focus on right now. 

Good idea.

[1a1a]

8 hours ago, Cynder said:

See... I hate when people say this stuff... "Oh you've just dated the wrong people..."  The "wrong people" are really good at acting like the right people.  My ex who I dated before her... He was intelligent.  He was accomplished, multiple college degrees.  He was also good looking and came from a really nice family.  And he was really charming and friendly and warm.  Ok... who wouldn't want to date him?  It wasn't until about a year in that he really started showing who he was underneath all that.  And toxic people also have a way of making their victim think everything is their fault.  This man had groupies.  He had a lot of people who loved him and thought he was this amazing person.  On his Facebook business page he has reviewers writing about what a beautiful soul he is, etc.  About 18 months into dating him I'm here scratching my head wondering why the hell no one else sees what I see? 

People who have bad luck in relationships are blamed in our society.  Oh, Suzy always dates the wrong men.  It's her fault she keeps getting screwed.  Oh, John always falls for the wrong girls.  It's no wonder he's in a bad situation again...  No one stops to consider that there are a lot of really dysfunctional people out there who are really good at being exactly what someone needs them to be when it's convenient. 

No, I don't believe there are many "rad people" out there.  I've just seen too much in my life to trust anyone.  She was the last person I trusted and I won't make that mistake again. 

 
 

Let me put that another way, we want to become faster at identifying red flags and dropping the person who’s presenting them. 
 

Suze doesn’t know going in that this promising new person is going to turn out to be a source of misery. But once the misery starts happening, does she stay or does she go?

 

I bet you wouldn’t stay with someone like your ex for as long next time. Even now, current ex is being pretty unreasonable and instead of just bowing to her wishes you’re posting here and getting outside perspective. I think you’re leveling up. 

[Cynder]

16 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I don't know. She did something pretty rotten to you right smack dab the middle of your happy relationship. You were both actually talking marriage and then she suddenly and inexplicably dumped you like a pile of bricks. Then she ignored you, left your house in chaos, ignored you some more, blocked you--knowing you cared, knowing you were worried about her. That's just cold. I know you believe she was having a nervous breakdown, but maybe that was also her nasty streak showing up. Mental illness doesn't make it ok to be downright mean to other people, does it? 

Is your relationship really over? Perhaps not. What stands out to me is that once again, she's trying to put everything on her own terms with more inexplicable anger and blocking. I think that if you follow her lead your relationship will continue. But I think it will probably be a push/pull on-again/off-again situation. A corner has been turned.

As for people showering her with adulation: I was actually just thinking today that social media is very useful for observing modern trends in mindlessness. Lots of people put on public performances, especially when there's a chance of public shaming for having a contrarian opinion (for example, the outright hatred you experienced when posting on a trans partners forum--to the point where someone actually took screenshots of your profile to continue harassing you). Some people are lunatics. Other people are afraid of those lunatics and do their best to appease them.

There's something almost religious about it.

Good idea.

Not trying to argue.  What she did was beyond rotten.  But in my opinion that was at the end of the relationship. 

Since she left I've run into a lot of people who have worked with her at past jobs.  She has a history of just flipping out and walking out on jobs for seemingly no reason, too.  And I would bet money I'm not the only romantic partner she's done this to.  But to here her tell it, oh everyone before me treated her so bad.  And every job she ever had was the same.  Oh everyone has been so mean to poor misunderstood Z. 

Idk... my texts to her yesterday might have been a wake up call.  I called her out for her pouting, for her acting like a bully, etc.  Maybe they will wake her up.  Maybe not.  Somehow I doubt it.  I just hope she's not one of those people who realizes their mistakes way too late in life to do anything about them. 

I remember when she confronted her Dad.  Her Dad used to beat her on a regular basis and he disowned her whens he came out.  Well she confronted him via text message.  She sent him this big long thing about how she still has nightmares about him beating her, etc.  (And this is true, she still does.)  But she screenshotted the whole thing and put it on Facebook.  Idk... to me that just seems weird.  I mean, she can do what she wants.  And of course there were tons of people commenting, "Wow , you're so brave and courageous!"  "You're so awesome.  I'm so proud of you!"  And most of them were people she doesn't even actually know.  It was like she was using her childhood trauma just for social media points. Idk... the person who sexually abused me is dead now.  But if I decided to confront him I couldn't even imagine posting it on Facebook.  

I'm really careful what I post on social media because there are just too many trigger happy vigilantes out there who think they have something to prove.  Like you said, I couldn't even post that a trans person hurt me without being virtually crucified.  And it was scary that people posted screenshots and were threatening to go through my friends list, etc.  Right now people like her are seen as above reproach by a lot of people.  And that just feeds right into her ego.  I actually wonder if the text messages I sent her yesterday have been plastered all over Facebook.  I'm blocked so I can't tell.  She could be telling everyone what a bully I am while completely leaving out what she did to cause me to send those messages.  

[Cynder]

15 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

 
 

Let me put that another way, we want to become faster at identifying red flags and dropping the person who’s presenting them. 
 

Suze doesn’t know going in that this promising new person is going to turn out to be a source of misery. But once the misery starts happening, does she stay or does she go?

 

I bet you wouldn’t stay with someone like your ex for as long next time. Even now, current ex is being pretty unreasonable and instead of just bowing to her wishes you’re posting here and getting outside perspective. I think you’re leveling up. 

Well, I know people are going to read this and say I'm arguing/making excuses/being defensive, whatever.  But in that case by the time I knew I wanted out, we were traveling around working at festivals together.  This was in Sprint time when the season was just starting.  We had hotels booked and paid for.  We had all these places to be over the next 6 months.  So I felt like I had to at least fake it and finish out the season with him.  People are probably wondering why I didn't just bail and say screw doing those festivals?  Well it's not that easy.  This is my job.  When you sign up to vend at an event you are basically contracted to be there.  If you don't show up it's a contract violation.  Festival organizers will usually blacklist someone who does this.  And say I paid $500 to rent my space.  Ok, I don't get that back.  So just for practicality reasons, I stayed with him until that season was over and ended it as soon as it was.  Our last show was a Halloween show.  I dumped his ass on November 6th.  I blocked him everywhere.  He got me blacklisted from a series of shows.  He got me booted from a consignment shop I sold at for years.  He threatened to sue me.  But I survived. 

Ironically it was through him that I met my current ex.  There wasn't any cheating or any of that going on though.  When I met her she was dating a friend of his.  We were both single when we started really talking, though. 

[maritalbliss86]

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

Yep, you're remembering it way wrong.  It was after we broke up that people started coming out of the woodwork telling me what a nasty person he is.  A bunch of other vendors all had a pretty nasty nickname for him that they all called him behind his back.  A lot of the vendors who live in my area are friends and get together outside of work.  Some of them told me they always wanted to invite me to their parties and stuff but never did because they didn't want him there, etc. 

I think in that case a lot of people thought I was already dating him when I started showing up at festivals.  When I first started on that scene he took me under his wing.  A lot of people didn't know me.  So I think people probably thought I already came in with him, so there was no point in trying to tell me he was bad news, if that makes sense. 

You're right, I remembered wrong.  

I think the overall point though is that you're picking really emotionally/mentally messed up people, if that makes sense.  

People who *other people* can look at from a distance, maybe with more objectivity, and say, "Wow, that person is an a$$hole."  

So you're doing it subconsciously if that makes sense... I'm sure you don't want to pick someone with issues, but you're drawn to them at the same time.  This can be totally normal though.  A lot of people can feel strong sexual attractions to people they know seem like they have mental health issues, but the difference is that when they get confirmation this, "Hottie," lol is off mentally, they run.  There's no amount of hottness that will make a person that takes care of themselves put up with it, in other words.

Hugs to you, at least you can see it and aren't staying stuck in the cycle.

[Cynder]

18 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

You're right, I remembered wrong.  

I think the overall point though is that you're picking really emotionally/mentally messed up people, if that makes sense.  

People who *other people* can look at from a distance, maybe with more objectivity, and say, "Wow, that person is an a$$hole."  

So you're doing it subconsciously if that makes sense... I'm sure you don't want to pick someone with issues, but you're drawn to them at the same time.  This can be totally normal though.  A lot of people can feel strong sexual attractions to people they know seem like they have mental health issues, but the difference is that when they get confirmation this, "Hottie," lol is off mentally, they run.  There's no amount of hottness that will make a person that takes care of themselves put up with it, in other words.

Hugs to you, at least you can see it and aren't staying stuck in the cycle.

Idk... my family and my friends all really liked my recent ex.  And everywhere we went she ran into people she knew and they are were really happy to see her, talked like they had known for so long.  I know she has several life long friends.  Idk... usually one of the biggest red flags about a bad person is that they don't have many friends, if any at all.  I had multiple friends tell me they had never seen me so happy. 

And a lot of the problems she started having when we were together started when she started on HRT.  So it was easy to blame that.  And I read all this stuff online about how HRT can cause that.  So I figured in time it would all balance out. 

I'm not saying you are wrong.  Not saying I'm not stuck in a cycle.  But it was easy to not see it with her. 

[MissCanuck]

She sounds insanely immature for a grown adult as well. 

Her attention-seeking social media activity is seriously cringe-worthy for people over the age of 18. 

[Cynder]

31 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She sounds insanely immature for a grown adult as well. 

Her attention-seeking social media activity is seriously cringe-worthy for people over the age of 18. 

Yea, and she's older than I am.  

[MissCanuck]

And what attracts you to an adult who behaves that way?

That's a sincere question, by the way. 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

And what attracts you to an adult who behaves that way?

That's a sincere question, by the way. 

Well looking back, the things that attracted me to her had nothing to do with her social media posts.  One of the biggest things was her intelligence and her sense of humor. And how multitalented she is was a big thing.  And also her social media presence was different then.  When we first started dating she wasn't even online that much.  And what she posted was really different then.  

[1a1a]

Not argumentative at all, just teasing out different lines of thinking 🙂

I’ve got to admit, if I was on the cusp of a big work tour thing with a partner who was starting to turn mean, I would try and see through the work thing too. 
 

I wonder if there are common tells for people who turn out to (not necessarily have but at least act like they) have a personality disorder? A question for google as that’s beyond my data set. Like they’re charming all your friends but in private they do x, y, z seemingly mundane things that belie the innately selfish character. Www.chumplady.com archives would probably be a treasure trove of learned wisdom. 

[Jibralta]

23 hours ago, Cynder said:

Not trying to argue.  What she did was beyond rotten.  But in my opinion that was at the end of the relationship. 

It's ok to disagree--as a1a1 says, we're just teasing out different lines of thinking. It's good to explore different perspectives on troubling problems. Doesn't mean you have to agree or even make a decision about whether you agree or not. 

And on that note, I think it's worth pointing out that there were two people in this relationship. Yes, she chose to end it and that was her right. But you were still completely invested in the relationship when she ripped the rug out from under you. 

Sure, in retrospect, it's clear that her departure marked the end of your relationship. But you're not some inanimate object. Your perspective at the time of her departure counts. You were still in the middle of your relationship.

[Cynder]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

It's ok to disagree--as a1a1 says, we're just teasing out different lines of thinking. It's good to explore different perspectives on troubling problems. Doesn't mean you have to agree or even make a decision about whether you agree or not. 

And on that note, I think it's worth pointing out that there were two people in this relationship. Yes, she chose to end it and that was her right. But you were still completely invested in the relationship when she ripped the rug out from under you. 

Sure, in retrospect, it's clear that her departure marked the end of your relationship. But you're not some inanimate object. Your perspective at the time of her departure counts. You were still in the middle of your relationship.

Yes, when you look at it that way it makes sense.  There has been another development in this.  I will post the update here shortly.

 

[Cynder]

So, I'm sure I will get some judgment for this.  But tonight I went to the gas station to take her the other W2.  I didn't even know if she would be there.  But she was.  And we talked.  She claims she doesn't even remember blocking me.  (Yes this is what she said, but idk, I have doubts.  She went on this whole thing about how she doesn't even remember talking to me the other night and how lately her mind has just been messed up, etc.  She also said she should have just kept her mouth shut and not told me she still has feeling for me.  She blamed drinking for all of this.  I didn't say it, but all I could think was "Well, maybe it's time to lay off the drinking then."

Idk... she claims she wants to be friends and doesn't want to fight.  But apparently that all goes out the window when she drinks.  SO I guess I will just proceed with extreme caution and not talk to her when she's drinking. 

And, the whole conversation was recorded.  I know people will think that's bad.  But I had my phone in my pocket recording because I know how she can be.  She might try to play the victim and say I went in there to harass her.  There was no one else there.  There wouldn't have been any witnesses if I did harass her.  But I have proof just in case she tries anything stupid. 

Let the lynching begin, lol...(That word is just a figure of speech.  Nothing hateful meant by it.) 

[MissCanuck]

You keep going back for more and somehow expecting a different outcome from her. 

I'm not sure what sort of advice you're looking for at this point. You know how she is and yet you keep returning and doing things that you know you could lead you right back into heartache. 

So, what is it you want help with here? 

 

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You keep going back for more and somehow expecting a different outcome from her. 

I'm not sure what sort of advice you're looking for at this point. You know how she is and yet you keep returning and doing things that you know you could lead you right back into heartache. 

So, what is it you want help with here? 

 

Well when I started this thread she was really pissed off at me and I had no clue why.  The situation has changed now.  Now she is saying she doesn't even remember any of this.  To me her being blackout drunk multiple times in a week is a bigger problem than any drama between her and I.  

I still plan on putting distance between us.  I'm not going to be her emotional punching bag and accept "Sorry, I was drunk." over and over again as an excuse.  

When the time is right I plan on talking to her about her drinking.  She didn't drink like this when we were together. 

I'm on my phone.  Sorry If this is sloppy. 

 

[MissCanuck]

46 minutes ago, Cynder said:

When the time is right I plan on talking to her about her drinking

This is what I'm talking about. 

You keep looking for ways to stay in her life. You won't have happy relationships as long as you keep going to back to toxic people. 

She's a big girl. She doesn't need a talk from her ex about her drinking. 

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

I still plan on putting distance between us.  I'm not going to be her emotional punching bag and accept "Sorry, I was drunk." over and over again as an excuse.  

Good for you. You have the ability to make a neat and graceful exit from this. Distance doesn't mean you don't care about her. 

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, Cynder said:

And, the whole conversation was recorded.  I know people will think that's bad.  But I had my phone in my pocket recording because I know how she can be.  She might try to play the victim and say I went in there to harass her.  There was no one else there.  There wouldn't have been any witnesses if I did harass her.  But I have proof just in case she tries anything stupid.

I actually did this when I worked for crazy people. It never came to anything. I didn't play back the recordings to anyone except my boyfriend, and that was only the first recording I ever did. 

The thing is, I realized the recordings had limited value. The two places in question were so crazy that it didn't matter what I had recorded--they'd ignore it anyway!

It turns out that people who ignore reality also ignore recorded reality.

BUT! I found the recordings were amazingly helpful for ME! I rarely if ever replayed them even for myself. But just knowing that I had proof that someone said one thing and did another was so incredibly reassuring. It actually kept me from being swept away by someone else's crazy. 

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is what I'm talking about. 

You keep looking for ways to stay in her life. You won't have happy relationships as long as you keep going to back to toxic people. 

She's a big girl. She doesn't need a talk from her ex about her drinking. 

I'm not looking for ways to stay in her life.  I said I still plan on putting distance between us.  But that doesn't mean the next time she tries to have a conversation with me when she's completely bombed I can't say something to her about her drinking.  I've seen multiple relatives drink themselves to death.  Both my Dad and my step dad drank themselves to death.  I had an uncle who did.  My Mom probably would have if she didn't finally get smart and quit.  I just don't want to see that happen to anyone I care about.  But like I also said, I'm not going to be her punching bag when she's drunk either. 

[Cynder]

52 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I actually did this when I worked for crazy people. It never came to anything. I didn't play back the recordings to anyone except my boyfriend, and that was only the first recording I ever did. 

The thing is, I realized the recordings had limited value. The two places in question were so crazy that it didn't matter what I had recorded--they'd ignore it anyway!

It turns out that people who ignore reality also ignore recorded reality.

BUT! I found the recordings were amazingly helpful for ME! I rarely if ever replayed them even for myself. But just knowing that I had proof that someone said one thing and did another was so incredibly reassuring. It actually kept me from being swept away by someone else's crazy. 

Yea, this is true.  I walked into the gas station not knowing what to expect.  I mean, this is the same person who completely blew up at me twice in one week over nothing.  And there's no one else in there.  Am I going to walk in there and get cussed out and called names?  And then is she going to turn around and tell everyone that I harassed her/was so mean to her?  Well, I wanted to have proof, just in case. 

But it turns out the conversation was really friendly and she apologized profusely and made a lot of excuses about drinking.  She also said three times when we were talking that she wants to quit drinking. 

Yes, having proof of things is really validating.  My other ex, D, who I've written about here, he was the king of gaslighters.  He was a Starbucks addict.  And he was one of those people who pulls up to Starbucks and takes forever to order because he was super picky about everything.  I'm sure his coffee probably got spit in a couple times because he was so rude to the workers.  But he used to go off on me about how I didn't appreciate him because I never paid for his Starbucks.  Well, when I was doing my taxes at the end of the year and had to go through all my bank statements, etc... just for the hell of it I tallied up all the money I spent that year on Starbucks.  I rarely got anything from there.  So to see that I literally bought him hundreds worth of Lattes in a year was really validating.  Like, yep... I did to pay for your damn Starbucks you ***. 

[catfeeder]

On 2/9/2022 at 6:57 AM, Cynder said:

But that doesn't mean the next time she tries to have a conversation with me when she's completely bombed I can't say something to her about her drinking. 

Hi Cynder. Sure, to get out of the conversation, but beyond that it would be wasted words because she's not going to remember it.

Did you know that she was bombed when you had this great-turned-ugly convo with her?

I ask because we can't always tell. Well, until.

[Cynder]

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Hi Cynder. Sure, to get out of the conversation, but beyond that it would be wasted words because she's not going to remember it.

Did you know that she was bombed when you had this great-turned-ugly convo with her?

I ask because we can't always tell. Well, until.

The night she called to cheer me up when I was hurt, I couldn't tell.  She sounded normal on the phone.  But it was way later in the evening that she blew up at me in messages.  Then I had my suspicions but I wasn't entirely sure. 

When she apologized and blocked me like 2 seconds later I didn't know.  But I mean, how could I?  That conversation was so short.  She claims she didn't even remember it. 

I haven't talked to her since I went to the gas station, if anyone is wondering.