My girlfriend wants to go camping without me

[Alice]

Because of the fact that I know my gf had feelings for her and she said that would be uncomfortable.

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Alice said:

Because of the fact that I know my gf had feelings for her and she said that would be uncomfortable.

So she'd rather hurt you and go ahead with this trip than just deal with feeling awkward or maybe even just not go. Yeah, she isn't into this relationship at all. I wouldn't bother anymore.

[Unsure2021]

Sorry to say but your gf has likely been cheating on you with this woman for a while, emotionally, if not physically. I would not take her claim that this woman is not interested in her at face value. If she rejected her, as she says, why is this ‘friend’ still going camping solo with her and why is she spending time nurturing a potential affair? Your gf’s disregard of your feelings and inappropriate cheating behaviour should be enough for you to move on and date someone else.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alice said:

She said that I can .what about the other times that I can go.

Why are you acting like a child and talking about being allowed to do this that or the other?

You're acting as if these two are your mom and dad and wondering if you are allowed to go on outings with them.

What's weird is your extreme submissiveness and putting up with this witch who simply disrespects you.

[Batya33]

Call her bluff -say "I'm cool with the fact that she had feelings for you in the past -I won't feel awkward so that should reassure you -and make you feel more comfortable.  I do things for you even though it's inconvenient or I might feel awkward -or I would -that's what being in a relationship is about sometimes"

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Call her bluff -say "I'm cool with the fact that she had feelings for you in the past -I won't feel awkward so that should reassure you -and make you feel more comfortable.  I do things for you even though it's inconvenient or I might feel awkward -or I would -that's what being in a relationship is about sometimes"

I think it was the other way around...the OP's girlfriend had feelings for this other woman, but this other woman didn't feel the same way.

[Alice]

It was my gf who had feelings for this other woman and the other girl told her she doesn't feel the same way.  I talked with her and she said she disagrees with the fact that what she is doing is wrong.  I told her to ask her friends for advice and she said she doesn't give a *** what her friends think.  I told her that I have some thinking to do.   I can't be in a relationship with someone who is going to disrespect my feelings.  So if we talk tonight I will be ending it.

[boltnrun]

So you two disagree on a fundamental relationship boundary. 

It's good you found out fairly early in your relationship. You can be free to find someone who doesn't pursue someone else while purporting to be in a committed relationship with you.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Alice said:

It was my gf who had feelings for this other woman and the other girl told her she doesn't feel the same way.  I talked with her and she said she disagrees with the fact that what she is doing is wrong.  I told her to ask her friends for advice and she said she doesn't give a *** what her friends think.  I told her that I have some thinking to do.   I can't be in a relationship with someone who is going to disrespect my feelings.  So if we talk tonight I will be ending it.

Why should she ask her friends for advice -why did you advise that? Simply tell her how you feel.  And it seems clear to me the purpose of this alone trip is to see if this woman has changed her mind and feels a spark. Therefore if you were there it would interfere with her plan.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Alice said:

I can't be in a relationship with someone who is going to disrespect my feelings.  So if we talk tonight I will be ending it.

Good call. She is not respecting you, your feelings or your relationship. You can find someone much better than this selfish individual.

[Jibralta]

40 minutes ago, Alice said:

I can't be in a relationship with someone who is going to disrespect my feelings.

Nor should you. I would end it whether you talk tonight or not. Why prolong a bad thing?

[Alice]

Well I ended our relationship.  She still doesn't get the fact that she is in the wrong.  She doesn't even care that this bothers me.  

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Alice said:

Well I ended our relationship.  

Excellent. You saved yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Alice said:

Well I ended our relationship.  She still doesn't get the fact that she is in the wrong.  She doesn't even care that this bothers me.  

Good job. Her true colors have shown themselves. How repulsive. Obviously, you've dodged a major bullet here. Good riddance. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Alice said:

Well I ended our relationship.  She still doesn't get the fact that she is in the wrong.  She doesn't even care that this bothers me.  

It doesn't matter about right or wrong actually -it matters that she doesn't care enough -do you want to be close or right?  If she'd said "I really don't see it the way you do but I am with you and it's not worth it for me to go camping if it's going to bother you this much -how about we all plan a group trip so you can get to know her" or something like that. I didn't feel "wrong" when my then boyfriend told me he felt uncomfortable about me meeting a male friend for a drink for an hour and it wasn't about wrong -it was about me prioritizing him because he comes first.  It's all individual situations but if you give a darn plus communicate that's what a healthful relationship is.

I'm glad you ended it.  

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, Alice said:

Well I ended our relationship.  She still doesn't get the fact that she is in the wrong.  She doesn't even care that this bothers me.  

That was the best thing to do.

She "gets" that her decision to go on this romantic trip with another woman wasn't conducive to a committed and trustful love relationship, but she wants that other woman badly enough to lose you over it.

So basically, you aren't losing anyone who was all that into the relationship.

Good for you for doing the best thing for yourself.

[Alice]

I know I did the right thing but at the same time I am so crushed and heart broken 😢  I really and truly loved this girl and I thought she truly felt the same way.  So sad

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Alice said:

I know I did the right thing but at the same time I am so crushed and heart broken 😢  I really and truly loved this girl and I thought she truly felt the same way.  So sad

Of course. No one thinks you'll be happy about it. But in the long run after some time has passed you'll realize you did the right thing. You deserve someone who is faithful and knows she loves only you, who isn't trying to get something started with someone else right under your nose.

[ReadTreadRedemption]

Hi Alice,

So strange, I logged on because my question is I have a camping related question too.  I'm not sure how to tell my husband I want to try doing solo trips (just me and the dog). And that's hard enough.

In your case, I think your instincts are spot-on.  I think she's saying she's not interested in a former potential 'soulmate' because she doesn't know if the other girl likes her back.  She's trying to keep you as a back-up, but is hoping she and the other girl have a connection on this trip.

Btws, it bites to hear that you are the 'back-up', but try not to let it bother you. It's not any proof that the other girl is better than you. It means the other girl is a "shinier object" right now, but don't take that to mean she's better. Lots of folks make that mistake.

And, just for argument's sake....let's say there was a person who believed it was reasonable to commit to a partner, then ban them from a camping trip with someone they once described as a "potential soulmate."

I'm married. My husband trusts.  I trust me.  But I wouldn't ban my husband from a camping trip between me and a male friend without knowing it would rupture any savvy person's trust.  And the anyone who would demonstrate such suspicious behavior while expecting you to just magically be okay with it either (A) doesn't have much emotional intelligence or any idea how foster trust in a relationship with a discerning person or (B) doesn't care if it does break your faith in her, because she doesn't prioritize you.

Again, don't take it personally.  But my advice is to end it and be #1 to someone else.

You can even tell her that from the outside, you can perceive what she needs.  If you want, you can give her your blessing to pursue her heart's desire.  At worst, she's an exploitive manipulator. At best, she is young and seriously lost. Give her a French press (<-essential for camping) and encourage her to find the truth of where she stands with this girl.  Do it as a favor to her, then go find your own path.

PS. I wholeheartedly encourage you not to be waiting if she comes out of the woods single, however.

  

 

 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, ReadTreadRedemption said:

Hi Alice,

So strange, I logged on because my question is I have a camping related question too.  I'm not sure how to tell my husband I want to try doing solo trips (just me and the dog). And that's hard enough.

In your case, I think your instincts are spot-on.  I think she's saying she's not interested in a former potential 'soulmate' because she doesn't know if the other girl likes her back.  She's trying to keep you as a back-up, but is hoping she and the other girl have a connection on this trip.

Btws, it bites to hear that you are the 'back-up', but try not to let it bother you. It's not any proof that the other girl is better than you. It means the other girl is a "shinier object" right now, but don't take that to mean she's better. Lots of folks make that mistake.

And, just for argument's sake....let's say there was a person who believed it was reasonable to commit to a partner, then ban them from a camping trip with someone they once described as a "potential soulmate."

I'm married. My husband trusts.  I trust me.  But I wouldn't ban my husband from a camping trip between me and a male friend without knowing it would rupture any savvy person's trust.  And the anyone who would demonstrate such suspicious behavior while expecting you to just magically be okay with it either (A) doesn't have much emotional intelligence or any idea how foster trust in a relationship with a discerning person or (B) doesn't care if it does break your faith in her, because she doesn't prioritize you.

Again, don't take it personally.  But my advice is to end it and be #1 to someone else.

You can even tell her that from the outside, you can perceive what she needs.  If you want, you can give her your blessing to pursue her heart's desire.  At worst, she's an exploitive manipulator. At best, she is young and seriously lost. Give her a French press (<-essential for camping) and encourage her to find the truth of where she stands with this girl.  Do it as a favor to her, then go find your own path.

PS. I wholeheartedly encourage you not to be waiting if she comes out of the woods single, however.

  

 

 

She already broke up with her. It's in the thread.