My girlfriend wants to go camping without me

[Alice]

So this is my first time on here.  I have a girlfriend that I had been with for a few months now.  Before we met, she had met another girl online and claimed at one point that she thought that this girl was her soulmate.  She now says that she no longer has feelings for her and that she loved me.  Well she just told me that she is making plans with this other girl to go camping with her and told me that I can't come.  Just to make it clear we are exclusive and this is making me very uncomfortable.  She told this other girl about her feelings but the girl told her that she doesn't feel the same way. My girlfriend started making these plans without asking me about it first.  She said that me being there would be awkward for her because she did tell me about this girl and it would be uncomfortable for her.  It seems to me that she still has feelings for this girl and wants to be alone with her to see if something may happen, or, hoping that this girl would see her in a different light and end up liking her.  That's just my feeling.  This camping trip is being planned for May.  What should I do?  If I try to talk to her about it, she just says I'm reading too much into it.  Please help!

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Alice said:

Before we met, she had met another girl online and claimed at one point that she thought that this girl was her soulmate.   she just told me that she is making plans with this other girl to go camping with her and told me that I can't come.  She said that me being there would be awkward for her because she did tell me about this girl and it would be uncomfortable for her.

End it. She is pushing you away and clearly more concerned with this woman's 'comfort level' than yours.

They are not going camping alone without you to roast marshmallows and sing Kumbaya.

You at some level know this. Trust your instincts and common sense. If you condone this, this woman will walk all over you. 

[smackie9]

Boot her to the curb.

[Rose Mosse]

8 minutes ago, Alice said:

So this is my first time on here.  I have a girlfriend that I had been with for a few months now.  Before we met, she had met another girl online and claimed at one point that she thought that this girl was her soulmate.  She now says that she no longer has feelings for her and that she loved me.  Well she just told me that she is making plans with this other girl to go camping with her and told me that I can't come.  Just to make it clear we are exclusive and this is making me very uncomfortable.  She told this other girl about her feelings but the girl told her that she doesn't feel the same way. My girlfriend started making these plans without asking me about it first.  She said that me being there would be awkward for her because she did tell me about this girl and it would be uncomfortable for her.  It seems to me that she still has feelings for this girl and wants to be alone with her to see if something may happen, or, hoping that this girl would see her in a different light and end up liking her.  That's just my feeling.  This camping trip is being planned for May.  What should I do?  If I try to talk to her about it, she just says I'm reading too much into it.  Please help!

That your girlfriend isn't interested in your input suggests she's not very interested in being with you. 

She dismisses your feelings or concerns and is more concerned about what she wants to do without considering how it affects your relationship. That's also a terrible characteristic to have in a partner overall. It only shows she lacks empathy and consideration, no emotional maturity.

[DancingFool]

It should make you uncomfortable enough to boot her to the curb.

Unfortunately, she is not only being completely disrespectful to you and your relationship, she is being downright shady. She is trying to make you feel like you are in the wrong, when in reality she is completely out of line.

You should be invited, welcome and going on the trip. Camping is the more the merrier kind of a thing and there is nothing awkward about that. The only reason she says otherwise, is because your presence would cramp her style with the woman she is after.

In your shoes, I'd dump her with extreme prejudice and never look back. Don't bother arguing about this. Simply spare your dignity and refuse to waste your time on people who aren't invested in you like you are in them.

[Alice]

Just so people have a clearer picture about this, this girl and my girlfriend have known each other for over a year and only hung out like three times.  They text each other like once a month so if this other girl truly had an attraction for her wouldn't something have happened by now?  My girlfriend posted on Facebook that we are in a relationship and this other girl liked the post.   She posted our relationship on Facebook after she was already making plans with this other girl.  So I don't know.

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Alice said:

Just so people have a clearer picture about this, this girl and my girlfriend have known each other for over a year and only hung out like three times.  They text each other like once a month so if this other girl truly had an attraction for her wouldn't something have happened by now?  My girlfriend posted on Facebook that we are in a relationship and this other girl liked the post.  So I don't know.

If that's true then why are you not invited?

Facebook has nothing to do with reality. It's a social media website and nothing more.

[Alice]

That's exactly what I want to know.  Again she says it would be awkward for her if I was there.

[DancingFool]

11 minutes ago, Alice said:

Just so people have a clearer picture about this, this girl and my girlfriend have known each other for over a year and only hung out like three times.  They text each other like once a month so if this other girl truly had an attraction for her wouldn't something have happened by now?  My girlfriend posted on Facebook that we are in a relationship and this other girl liked the post.   She posted our relationship on Facebook after she was already making plans with this other girl.  So I don't know.

This other girl is not the issue here. It's your gf who is the actual problem. It's your gf's behavior and intentions that are the problem. It's your gf who doesn't want you around to cramp her style. It's your gf who is being completely shady with you.

Also, don't you think it's strange that two women who barely know each other and barely talk want to go camping solo with each other? I love camping, but I would not even consider going solo with a person I barely know and only chat with once a month or so, and only casually. You need much more of a connection than that. I think you are being kept in dark about the extent of their "friendship" and communication. Even if the other girl is genuinely not interested, it's painfully obvious that your gf is hoping to have enough personal/intimate time with her to change her mind.

[DancingFool]

2 minutes ago, Alice said:

That's exactly what I want to know.  Again she says it would be awkward for her if I was there.

It's called gaslighting, aka lying to your face. Again, this isn't about the other girl, this is 100% about your gf being shady and lying to your face.

Please do yourself a huge favor and step away from this mess. I know it's easier said than done when you are invested, but.... I hope you find the strength.

[Alice]

I am going to talk with her tonight and let her know how I feel.  I will keep you posted.

[Batya33]

She knows how you feel. I’d tell her what you plan to do. If she wishes to date others or look like she is that’s fine and then you think it’s a good idea if you try to date others while you go your separate ways. I get that she’d feel awkward if you were there - because she and this other person want to explore their romantic interest. You’d be a third wheel.

By contrast if she wanted to have lunch with a friend who had very personal matters to discuss I’d understand why you shouldn’t go.  See the difference ?

[Alice]

Well this other girl told my gf that she does not have an attraction towards her so I don't understand why now they would want to explore their romantic interest.

[Rose Mosse]

Just decide whether the friendship is inappropriate.

Yes, it’s inappropriate: Let her know how you feel and be prepared to part ways. Don’t seek to change anyone. 

No, it’s not inappropriate: Carry on. 

[Smile4me]

Your GF is using you to try and make the other girl jealous. Drop her now and stop being a pawn in her game.  There is no other logical reason for why this girl would want to be alone camping with her unless she had an ulterior motive.

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, Alice said:

Well this other girl told my gf that she does not have an attraction towards her so I don't understand why now they would want to explore their romantic interest.

Your girlfriend is "hoping'. That's why she doesn't want you to go. And that's why it would be "awkward" for her. She couldn't freely try to make moves on this other woman in front of you. You might complain or protest and she doesn't want to deal with any interference from you.

I would tell her it's completely fine for her to go on this trip, but you won't be waiting around for her when she gets back. You have some self esteem and will not beg or play the "pick me!" game with anyone.

[Andrina]

Your feelings are on a high with your new love, and they are making you want to come up with reasons why everything is on the up and up even though your gut is telling you otherwise.

This is a watershed moment when you see that you and your partner's relationship boundaries don't match. When that happens, and it's important to find this out early, it's a clear sign you will live a life of upset with a person who either has the opposite mindset as you, or knows she's in the wrong but doesn't care if her primary relationship fails.

So think about this really clearly. Your gf knows you know she had a crush on this lady. This lady is someone she has probably physically seen a handful of hours since they've hung out 3 times over a period of 12 months. And yet she has no fear that she will lose a new gf, one she should be in the honeymoon period with where two people can't get enough of one another? Why wouldn't she let this minor, barely-there friendship slide to the back burner to preserve what should be an all-important romance with her new love?

And yes, people who are exclusive are accountable to one another, and should be acting as a team in the best interest of the relationship. She's gone against this on every count.

You can see the overpowering opinions sway to exiting a relationship that's not healthy for you. You're too close to the situation and infatuated with your gf, so I know you wanted a magic pill to fix things, but she doesn't want to be "fixed" and she doesn't care that she'll lose you. Free yourself to meet someone who is so crazy about you that she'll treat you like the treasure you are.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Alice said:

Well this other girl told my gf that she does not have an attraction towards her so I don't understand why now they would want to explore their romantic interest.

So... this other woman told this to you?  Has this other woman tried to meet you, to go out with you as a couple - or did your gf tell you what this woman said? I agree your gf hopes the great outdoors, being alone will spark an attraction.  And if this woman had no attraction don't you think she'd be suspicious of being invited to go camping alone and you're not even invited? Wouldn't she want to be supportive of her friend's relationship with you?  Isn't that what real friends do?

When my husband and I started dating exclusively I had a male friend P for the previous 2 years.  We never dated.  I'd been attracted to him when we first met but realized it wouldn't ever work out for unrelated reasons.  I was content to be friends. So was he. 

I invited P out with my boyfriend plus maybe some other people for a Friday night.  P called me and asked if we could meet alone an hour earlier as he wanted to have a personal conversation and had never met my boyfriend. 

My boyfriend said he didn't like that at all -he found it disrespectful of P to ask.  Especially on a "date night".  So I told P and he apologized -he felt badly for putting me in an awkward position. He said he was looking forward to meeting my boyfriend.  We all went out.  P went out of his way to be friendly to and get to know my boyfriend -it went really well.  After that he'd invite us out as a couple.  Sometimes P and I talked on the phone but social outings were all with us as a couple.  To me that's how it should be.

[Alice]

I don't know if my gf even told her that I wasn't coming.  And no my gf told me that this girl has no feelings for her in that way.  That conversation took place before me and my gf locked it down.  But yes, you are right.  I wonder what this other girl would do if she knew that I wasn't going.

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, Alice said:

I don't know if my gf even told her that I wasn't coming.  And no my gf told me that this girl has no feelings for her in that way.  That conversation took place before me and my gf locked it down.  But yes, you are right.  I wonder what this other girl would do if she knew that I wasn't going.

Right -you don't know.  Have you been given the opportunity to meet her?

[Alice]

No not yet.  I don't know if we ever will.

[boltnrun]

Ask your girlfriend if she knows you're not going. If she says yes, ask her if she told her she specifically told you not to go.

Context is key.

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Alice said:

No not yet.  I don't know if we ever will.

So your girlfriend is going to go overnight camping with this woman and she's never suggested that -even if it's not during camping -that she'd like you two to meet? 

[Alice]

She said that I can go every other time they go hiking but not this particular camping trip.  She said it would make her uncomfortable but what about the other times that I can go?  That's weird to me.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Alice said:

She said that I can go every other time they go hiking but not this particular camping trip.  She said it would make her uncomfortable but what about the other times that I can go?  That's weird to me.

Why would it make her "uncomfortable"?