Moving on - bullying

[CrazyWife]

Hi there

Well today i had the unfortunate experience of bumping into some old bullies who obviously haven't grown up any as they were saying unkind things to me. I felt bad as I never said anything as it just brought back feelings of inadequacy and fear especially since one is from a family who for want of a better word are just nasty a**holes. Her sister is a b*tch and her brother is a woman beater. 

I just find it embarrassing and wish i could stand up for myself more or just stop caring what they think. My mind is still in overdrive due to the past few months - dealing with a suicide, stopping drinking (6 months sober btw) and trying to look into ways in dealing with my anxiety. 

I feel sometimes that I have done better than them in life (without sounding egotistical!). Got a good career, excelled at university, have a good husband and provide a stable life for my child especially now that I have took alcohol out of the equation. The main ringleader out of them hasn't worked a day in her life and has 8 children to 6 different men. 

I just feel others put me down sometimes and have done most my life. It didn't help me having an abusive mother and sister either. Doesn't do a lot for self-esteem! 

I have tried anti-depressants, counselling etc but somehow always feel quite shameful of my past that i leave stuff out in therapy...sounds silly i know but recently read that it is a common occurence in therapy for people to do that. I prefer writing feelings down rather than speaking so maybe online therapy may be an option.

But yeah anti-depressants haven't worked but taking beta blockers can help. Need to address my thinking pattern more. Plus, stopping my coping mechanism of having a drink makes it twice as hard but i would never lift a drink over them as they are not worth it. I just can't seem to let go of the past and even at times think about my old neighbour from hell from years ago - didn't help when i saw her husband and don this week too! What a week lol. Makes me think that i am best not going out. 

Plus, social media doesn't help as you always seem to come across people more easily and it drags all the memories back up. I just wish i could let go of things and maybe realise there are just some nasty people in the world but it makes me feel like a wimp / soft touch when i try to ignore it and causes me embarrassment. Surely they will just carry on if i try ignoring them or are they just people who try to get a reaction?

Thanks for reading.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. One thing to remember about bullies is that their behavior speaks of them, not you.

It's natural for your after-struggle to include fantasies of launching the best possible comeback to put them in their place, but that only speaks to your discomfort in your own behavior for having not transformed into some super-power that can 'fix' what's wrong with THEM.

You simply can't. So let yourself off of that hook. You'll never change people who view themselves as so fundamentally inferior that they must resort to abusing others who they secretly view as superior.

Attempts to respond to them would only position you as a bigger target, because bullies who befriend bullies to build themselves up can only boost their own perceived value by showing off in front of the other bullies.

So don't play.

Winning that war is not only just a fantasy, it targets the wrong problem.

Your problem is not them--they are their own problem.

Your best revenge is that they will always have to BE them.

Your job is to hold your head up, and if your paths cross again, you can smile knowingly, trust that they won't ever disappoint in displaying their own perceived inferiority, and make your escape as quickly as possible without saying a word.

Boom! Done.

The faster you can teach yourself how to minimize the importance of these people rather than inflate it, the quicker you WIN. 

So that's where I'd work with your therapist. I'd write down the most self-shaming things you've been too resistant to disclose, and I'd challenge myself to reveal at least one of those things per session. I'd create a reward system for treating myself after each session that I disclose, and I'd include a giant bonus for the courage and self-accountability to actually TELL the therapist your plans for this challenge. This, along with a goal of minimizing the importance of these bullies, will reduce your shame in direct proportion to the empowerment you will feel from your successes.

Head high, and write more if it helps. You don't need to suffer this stuff alone.

[Rose Mosse]

8 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

Plus, social media doesn't help as you always seem to come across people more easily and it drags all the memories back up. I just wish i could let go of things and maybe realise there are just some nasty people in the world but it makes me feel like a wimp / soft touch when i try to ignore it and causes me embarrassment. Surely they will just carry on if i try ignoring them or are they just people who try to get a reaction?

Thanks for reading.

First of all, congratulations on staying sober. Keep it up. That's a huge feat in itself. Like you, I also prefer writing. Journaling helps a lot if you're looking at ways to look at thought patterns and remove or strengthen your opinions or explore other perceptions.

That you feel those emotions are not wimpy at all. Consider them blessings. It's what makes you strong. You experience emotions and may feel empathy or compassion for someone else. Maybe you relate better to others who may need your help or perspective on things too. 

I don't know the context in which you "bumped" into these bullies. Was it on social media or was it in person? Work smart and limit your interactions with these individuals. If you're seeing them in regular social circles, keep your interactions brief and cordial. If it's online, limit your time spent online and fill your days with other things you like doing. Actually make a concerted effort to get OFF social media and don't stay paralyzed watching a screen or living by updates. 

You seem to be doing really well for yourself and this is just a small set back. Don't let this take over all the other good things you have going for you.

[Wiseman2]

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Why are you on beta blockers? For anxiety, heart problems or hypertension?

You need to find the right doctor diagnosis and treatment in order to feel better.

You also need to understand that not being forthcoming to your healthcare providers is foolish as well as wasting your and their time.

It seems like you are still hiding even from your therapist who, of course, it bound by law to confidentiality.

You're never going to feel better if you keep being dishonest with yourself and your healthcare providers.

 

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

I .... somehow always feel quite shameful of my past that i leave stuff out in therapy...

Yes, very common! But take it from me, say these things out loud to your therapist. Just do it--even if you have to write them down on a piece of paper, bring it to therapy, and read the list out loud. Speaking these things out loud helps you gain traction on the problem. When the shame stays inside your head, it swirls around in there and you can never quite get a good look at what is actually causing the problem. When you speak them out loud, it gives you perspective. You'll realize that some of these problems are not as large as you thought, and that they can be solved!

[CrazyWife]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you. One thing to remember about bullies is that their behavior speaks of them, not you.

It's natural for your after-struggle to include fantasies of launching the best possible comeback to put them in their place, but that only speaks to your discomfort in your own behavior for having not transformed into some super-power that can 'fix' what's wrong with THEM.

You simply can't. So let yourself off of that hook. You'll never change people who view themselves as so fundamentally inferior that they must resort to abusing others who they secretly view as superior.

Attempts to respond to them would only position you as a bigger target, because bullies who befriend bullies to build themselves up can only boost their own perceived value by showing off in front of the other bullies.

So don't play.

Winning that war is not only just a fantasy, it targets the wrong problem.

Your problem is not them--they are their own problem.

Your best revenge is that they will always have to BE them.

Your job is to hold your head up, and if your paths cross again, you can smile knowingly, trust that they won't ever disappoint in displaying their own perceived inferiority, and make your escape as quickly as possible without saying a word.

Boom! Done.

The faster you can teach yourself how to minimize the importance of these people rather than inflate it, the quicker you WIN. 

So that's where I'd work with your therapist. I'd write down the most self-shaming things you've been too resistant to disclose, and I'd challenge myself to reveal at least one of those things per session. I'd create a reward system for treating myself after each session that I disclose, and I'd include a giant bonus for the courage and self-accountability to actually TELL the therapist your plans for this challenge. This, along with a goal of minimizing the importance of these bullies, will reduce your shame in direct proportion to the empowerment you will feel from your successes.

Head high, and write more if it helps. You don't need to suffer this stuff alone.

Wow! Thank you very much 😀

[CrazyWife]

7 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

First of all, congratulations on staying sober. Keep it up. That's a huge feat in itself. Like you, I also prefer writing. Journaling helps a lot if you're looking at ways to look at thought patterns and remove or strengthen your opinions or explore other perceptions.

That you feel those emotions are not wimpy at all. Consider them blessings. It's what makes you strong. You experience emotions and may feel empathy or compassion for someone else. Maybe you relate better to others who may need your help or perspective on things too. 

I don't know the context in which you "bumped" into these bullies. Was it on social media or was it in person? Work smart and limit your interactions with these individuals. If you're seeing them in regular social circles, keep your interactions brief and cordial. If it's online, limit your time spent online and fill your days with other things you like doing. Actually make a concerted effort to get OFF social media and don't stay paralyzed watching a screen or living by updates. 

You seem to be doing really well for yourself and this is just a small set back. Don't let this take over all the other good things you have going for you.

Thank you.

[CrazyWife]

4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, very common! But take it from me, say these things out loud to your therapist. Just do it--even if you have to write them down on a piece of paper, bring it to therapy, and read the list out loud. Speaking these things out loud helps you gain traction on the problem. When the shame stays inside your head, it swirls around in there and you can never quite get a good look at what is actually causing the problem. When you speak them out loud, it gives you perspective. You'll realize that some of these problems are not as large as you thought, and that they can be solved!

Thank you

[CrazyWife]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Why are you on beta blockers? For anxiety, heart problems or hypertension?

You need to find the right doctor diagnosis and treatment in order to feel better.

You also need to understand that not being forthcoming to your healthcare providers is foolish as well as wasting your and their time.

It seems like you are still hiding even from your therapist who, of course, it bound by law to confidentiality.

You're never going to feel better if you keep being dishonest with yourself and your healthcare providers.

 

Thank you.

[Cherylyn]

Hi CrazyWife,

I'm sorry about your unfortunate experience of bumping into old bullies and how they haunt you to this day. 🙁  Are these bullies remaining in your life nowadays or did you bump into them and they're no longer in your daily life?  I hope it's the latter and not the former! 

It sounds like you have a great life with your marriage and family.  As someone who had been bullied a lot both during childhood and beyond,  I've found the best "revenge" is to live a good life and happily ever after.  Divert your attention away from bad experiences, focus and concentrate on what makes you happy such as your career, husband and children because in the big picture, nothing else really matters. 

Don't care about the bullies.  Let everyone live their own lives.  Bullies are insecure and miserable so let them remain that way.  Continue forging ahead with your own life.  Get busy, stay healthy and do everything positively. 

When I attended a high school reunion years ago, popular kids and bullies who are now adults didn't fare so well.  There are very high divorce rates, many of them hadn't amounted to much and were miserable with their lot in life or the cards they were dealt with whereas I prospered, settled in the suburbs, happily married and have two great sons.  I was the envy of many. 

When I was 8 or 9 years old, I bribed school kids to like me by giving them candy.  I was briefly popular.  After several weeks, I stopped giving them candy and resumed my unpopular status again.  I was bullied, taunted, mocked and ridiculed.  I had clods of dirt thrown at my face as I walked home from school.  I had never forgotten.  I was bullied by mean girls later.  At my full time night shift job, I was bullied by my boss and several co-workers.  It was all very bad. 

Don't feel embarrassed about regretting how you could've stood up for yourself.  It's in the past and keep moving forward.  No sense dwelling on the past anymore. 

What helps me is concentrating on health, fitness, eating well, hobbies and healthy distractions.  I tend to avoid social media, FB, IG and the like because they're all time traps.  Nothing gets done and you waste time when you could otherwise be productive and industrious. 

Nasty people try to get a rise out of you or they want to get a reaction.  Simply ignore.  When you get busy with your own life, you'll have positive distractions.  When you're busy with your own life, you'll no longer have time nor energy to care about negative people.