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Gaze into the abyss...


Fudgie

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14 hours ago, Fudgie said:

Lo,

I agree with you - I think we are really disconnected as a society and it is hurting us. My happiest times, in memory, are from when I was a child. I had a couple (still do) lifelong friends, my age, and we grew up together. We used to get together with our families regularly and eat loads of pizza and run around outside in gigantic yards/woods, playing games until the late hours. Our parents would be talking and drinking and so we just kind of ran free. That unstructured time was so important to me.

Life is just very different now. I work a lot although with my new job, it won't be quite as much, thankfully. But my goal is to maximize my leisure time and spend as much time doing hobbies and other things that I love.

I do think humans, just by our nature and ability to think in certain ways, struggle with exsistential angst, which I've definitely been struggling with from time to time. I think religion can provide some people with comfort but I am not religious at all. I think having social support, religious or not, helps a lot, as people can lean on each other. Eastern philosophies tend to be more accepting of the notion that there are many things that we just don't know for sure and never will. There's comfort to be had in that. 

For me, I am still trying to find what works for me. I don't have children to place my hope in and I have accepted that my existence is, for all intents and purposes, finite to a T, genetically, socially, physically, everything. I would wager that I have maybe 30-50 years max after my death before my name is meaningless and memories are gone, no matter what I do. How do I make it count? What will my life look like? 

I am in the process of buying a plot in a very old cemetery - my favorite cemetery actually - for myself one day. It can fit 2 people (if both ashes) or just one (ash/body). The plots around it are mostly late 1800s/early 1900s and there are lots of trees and moss. I like to go there and think: this is where I'll be at the end of my days, I know where I will be but how will I get there? What will do before I end up here in the ground? 

Fudgie Fudgie Fudgie!

 

I am not religious either. It’s an observation but, religious or not, when someone dies, we are all just as sad and religious or not, generally we all go through a phase or time at least of fearing death.

 

As you say Fudgie, it is the human condition! And blessing and a curse of consciousness! 
 

I mean if you ever come up with an answer to deal with this please tell me - HA! 
 

I think your beautiful home keeping you busy and work helps? I know for me, I do need to be around people and feel a connection to neighbours and things. As much as I think I need these vast moments of alone time; I often crave them but come out of them much more troubled than I went in! I am your typical, annoying extrovert - HA! How irritating! 🥲

 

I think, rural life, or any life closer to nature sounds ideal! I say, keep on, keeping on!

 

Love reading your journal as well Fudgie! 
 

We are mega in the middle of our renovation. It’s a building site. I wish it were done. Costing so much more money than we ever thought and taking so much more time. We can’t just go camp out and live there because of the kids. We did it last time round because we had zero bambino’s and that made everything easier! 
 

Talk of a massive housing crash is hitting the UK news! People I know are selling up! Or trying to buy rentals or air bnbs. The coastal town we live in a massively a summer tourist town. So you get people from London buying up these properties and doing them up and then renting them out as holiday homes. I can see why they do it, for sure; but I also understand the long term locals anger at this because although it elevates a town to a certain extend, it reduces that “know everyone small town” feeling!

 

x

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I've told you, Fudgie.  There is 0 point worrying about death.  It's an inevitability for all of us unless some technical marvel happens.  But that may have already occurred, right?

Death doesn't scare me at all, and you know more of why that is.  What terrifies me is the possibility of infinity.  That you and I have exchanged this exact conversation countless times and will continue to do so forever.  I'd much rather a true end than that, but would we even know the difference?

There's not much point in questioning or worrying about any of it.  We don't know for sure and that's that.  We don't even know if what we perceive is the full picture.  Likely it isn't but it's all we have to go on.  I think it's better to not get your head wrapped up in any of this and instead focus on the here and now, and that version of you is doing great!  So enjoy it, because not everyone's present is the same.  

There're things we'll never understand, that's just truth.  But what you can understand, appreciate.  :)

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  • 1 month later...

Hey everyone.

Been a long time since I posted, just wanted to say hello. Things are continuing to go well, still decorating/doing stuff with my house. It's a real "bachelorette pad" if I do say so myself. 2 livings room - one dedicated to TV/video games/electronics and the other one all about quiet comfort (read: awesome sectional) with good music system, with art EVERYWHERE? Hell yeah.

I'll post more later. I'm donning my straw hat and I'm going to go look at local garage sales. Wish me luck. 

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  • 1 month later...
5 hours ago, Fudgie said:

Wow, it's been about a month since I checked in. Loving my new job and my house as well. I feel like I really have it made. I can't complain. 

Maybe it's part of getting older but I feel like I could just "stay" here? In terms of income, I have secured the pay I wanted for myself, with TONS of room to go up, good work/life balance. I feel that urge to settle down (not in terms of a partner) and just enjoy myself...family, hobbies, material pleasures, etc. 

I don't want to run the rat race and I'm okay with not striving for something higher. 

I can feel the content settledness beaming at me from your journal Fudgie!!!

 

This is fab! We’re in our new abode too! By the sounds of things, yours is much further on and in a finished state than ours! 
 

You followed your own path and you have worked hard for it - definitely have earned your straw hat autumnal browsing!! 
 

Enjoy enjoy enjoy! 
 

I can foresee you having a beautiful Christmas!

 

x

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Lo, 

Yes, I definitely feel very snug! I still have some things I'm working on but they are coming along. 85% of my art is hung on the wall, I am fully ready for winter, HVAC is all upgraded. I am getting the last part of my roof ventilation done in a couple months and then I don't anticipate doing anything until spring next year. I hope to build my savings more. Luckily, cooling / heating this house doesn't cost much.

Next year, I may try to get the stove/oven upgraded. I hate the one that came with the house and it's partially broken. I want to get a nice, solid one (bells and whistles not needed) and have it on the gas line. 

How is your house coming along? What are you working on now? 

 

In my job, I have a massive office all to myself (YAY). I am in the process of decorating THAT, right now all I have are my professional and academic credentials on the wall. 

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  • 1 year later...

FUDGIE! 
 

Just noticed you’re back for a smidge!!!!

 

How goes it?! I missed you! How’s work and your lovely house?! 
 

I’ve realised I ignored your last post on here, the questions! I must have not read it for some reason! I’m sorry!

 

Hope you’re well, ENA isn’t the same without you!

 

x

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 2/11/2024 at 6:40 AM, mylolita said:

FUDGIE! 
 

Just noticed you’re back for a smidge!!!!

 

How goes it?! I missed you! How’s work and your lovely house?! 
 

I’ve realised I ignored your last post on here, the questions! I must have not read it for some reason! I’m sorry!

 

Hope you’re well, ENA isn’t the same without you!

 

x

Lo! How have you been?? How are the kids and the husband?

Was back for a smidge, now back for another smidge!

Life is good. It's busy, but good. I really have tossed myself into my career, my work. I truly didn't understand, before I went into this field, just HOW mentally and emotionally taxing this job can be. Most of my patients are very sick, chronically ill, even with many medications and taking them on time, many still have some degree of hallucinations that will never go away after years of relapses and illness. Loads of trauma, getting to hear the worst stories and then listening to patients re-live them, again and again. Some live in special housing, just for those with mental illness. Sometimes, I feel like a chew toy when I come home, internally that is. Takes me some time to wash and iron myself out again. 

But each day, I feel so motivated to go back in and do it again. My caseload is growing. I have developed good, therapeutic relationships with my patients, even the "difficult" ones. I work hard to do my research, keep up on pharmacology, to find them the medications that work best for them, together, so that they can feel better. It is a driving force for me and it hits upon something primal, almost spiritual, for me. This is some of the most important, gratifying work I have ever done - to work hard to do my best for my patients, to advocate for them in this s___ system we have for healthcare. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm saving the world or anything (I'm totally not) and I'm certainly not changing this awful system but if I can make my patients' lives better, more livable, more able to engage and do things that they enjoy (even if those are things that I do not enjoy!) then I am happy and damn, does it feel good. 

The house is going well! I have switched around my art a few times. I have filled most of the wall space. I've done a fairly good job at keeping things neat, although in my bedroom and "woman cave", I am way more lax. I finally have a good gaming PC setup, something I've always wanted for many years. Next up: I want to get a contractor to redo my tub upstairs, put in something with some jets and a warmer, it's a huge bathroom, I have the space. I want something I can slide into with a glass of wine. 

Recently, I installed ethernet backhaul (yes, I ran and secured the cables) - did a lot of it through the basement, securing to ceiling there, then ran it along (not in) my HVAC ducts. 

I walk more, listen to more audiobooks, got back into crocheting (I have some projects I'm working on), got back into some older academic interests here and there, started going back to the local library, walking of course. 

I really need to socialize more but it's so hard sometimes, just like coming back to my place, truly my safe space, my home. I've never felt this attached to a place before, because I have not owned property before now. 

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I want to leave this page here and urge people to read. Written in 2011 and I still think about this post:

https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

 

I spent some time just now reading my "old stuff" on ENA. In some ways, I've changed a lot (I joined this site when I was in my late teens! Now I'm mid 30s) but in same ways, I haven't. Interests largely remain the same, long-term goals as well, but my perspective is radically different. Reading about the trials and tribulations of my last relationships, the struggles I went through, the things I really tried to understand or wrap my head around, the affection I felt towards these men. I can recognize the woman who wrote those lines but I don't recognize the world she hails from, the place that she describes in her words. 

I won't lie, there's a part of me that still wonders about that ghost ship. I want to love and be loved but also to be free in every sense of the word and to be in control. I went with what I could live with, hence I am here, 5+ years and counting singlehood. I can take the loneliness but I can't take sharing the reins in my life and I know myself well enough to know that no amount of therapy (yes, I still go) is going to change that. 

Either path we choose, there are things that we gain and things that we lose. I salute my ghost ship and I wonder if she feels the occasional pang I like I do and, knowing her, I know she does. 

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What  you wrote about your work and how you feel at the end of the day reminds me of the book I'm currently reading about nurses who served in Vietnam during the war -it's a novel but seems to be so well researched -called The Women by Kristen Hannah.

Thank for your service and hard work and for sharing here.

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On 3/7/2024 at 1:16 AM, Fudgie said:

Lo! How have you been?? How are the kids and the husband?

Was back for a smidge, now back for another smidge!

Life is good. It's busy, but good. I really have tossed myself into my career, my work. I truly didn't understand, before I went into this field, just HOW mentally and emotionally taxing this job can be. Most of my patients are very sick, chronically ill, even with many medications and taking them on time, many still have some degree of hallucinations that will never go away after years of relapses and illness. Loads of trauma, getting to hear the worst stories and then listening to patients re-live them, again and again. Some live in special housing, just for those with mental illness. Sometimes, I feel like a chew toy when I come home, internally that is. Takes me some time to wash and iron myself out again. 

But each day, I feel so motivated to go back in and do it again. My caseload is growing. I have developed good, therapeutic relationships with my patients, even the "difficult" ones. I work hard to do my research, keep up on pharmacology, to find them the medications that work best for them, together, so that they can feel better. It is a driving force for me and it hits upon something primal, almost spiritual, for me. This is some of the most important, gratifying work I have ever done - to work hard to do my best for my patients, to advocate for them in this s___ system we have for healthcare. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm saving the world or anything (I'm totally not) and I'm certainly not changing this awful system but if I can make my patients' lives better, more livable, more able to engage and do things that they enjoy (even if those are things that I do not enjoy!) then I am happy and damn, does it feel good. 

The house is going well! I have switched around my art a few times. I have filled most of the wall space. I've done a fairly good job at keeping things neat, although in my bedroom and "woman cave", I am way more lax. I finally have a good gaming PC setup, something I've always wanted for many years. Next up: I want to get a contractor to redo my tub upstairs, put in something with some jets and a warmer, it's a huge bathroom, I have the space. I want something I can slide into with a glass of wine. 

Recently, I installed ethernet backhaul (yes, I ran and secured the cables) - did a lot of it through the basement, securing to ceiling there, then ran it along (not in) my HVAC ducts. 

I walk more, listen to more audiobooks, got back into crocheting (I have some projects I'm working on), got back into some older academic interests here and there, started going back to the local library, walking of course. 

I really need to socialize more but it's so hard sometimes, just like coming back to my place, truly my safe space, my home. I've never felt this attached to a place before, because I have not owned property before now. 

FUDGIE!

 

Kids and husband fine! My youngest daughter is 2 now, it’s so crazy to think that, my middle girl 4 and my eldest boy 6! They are such beautiful happy little chiddlers!!! I can’t believe I got so lucky Fudgie! 
 

Can I ask; I think I may have asked this before - are you in psychotherapy? Psychology? That area of field? 
 

I think Fudgie what you do and how you do it, how you feel about it, always amazes me. You are rock solid! A truly unique force to be reckoned with! But so warm at the same time?! Anyway, I always find you an ocean of calm! 
 

Your house sounds fantastic! I secretly wish I could have The Tour! Or see some snippets! But I know that’s not possible on public platforms like this! 
 

Fudgie - I so wish you all the best, I really do; and adore it when you briefly swing on by with your cape of calm and sense and humility and humour and the leave us loons all here once again for another year! 
 

The financial situation here in the UK is outrageous. My husband feels the stress of this massively running his own business. It’s definitely taking a toll. I’m trying to take a chill pill myself but Y’know what I’m like. I’m so bloody stupid and materialistic. I put so much importance on money. Trying to step back and stop constantly consuming and working for the next thing or dreaming about the next thing or what next?! What next?! Seems to be this hectic internal mantra!

 

I am so glad you are healthy and well and flying, personally and career wise! 
 

If I were your friend, being the annoying hyper neat freak I am, I’d come happily spruce and tidy for you for say, a hunting lesson!!!! 🤣

 

All the best, always! 
 

x

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On 3/7/2024 at 1:34 AM, Fudgie said:

I want to leave this page here and urge people to read. Written in 2011 and I still think about this post:

https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

 

I spent some time just now reading my "old stuff" on ENA. In some ways, I've changed a lot (I joined this site when I was in my late teens! Now I'm mid 30s) but in same ways, I haven't. Interests largely remain the same, long-term goals as well, but my perspective is radically different. Reading about the trials and tribulations of my last relationships, the struggles I went through, the things I really tried to understand or wrap my head around, the affection I felt towards these men. I can recognize the woman who wrote those lines but I don't recognize the world she hails from, the place that she describes in her words. 

I won't lie, there's a part of me that still wonders about that ghost ship. I want to love and be loved but also to be free in every sense of the word and to be in control. I went with what I could live with, hence I am here, 5+ years and counting singlehood. I can take the loneliness but I can't take sharing the reins in my life and I know myself well enough to know that no amount of therapy (yes, I still go) is going to change that. 

Either path we choose, there are things that we gain and things that we lose. I salute my ghost ship and I wonder if she feels the occasional pang I like I do and, knowing her, I know she does. 

Sorry to bombard Fudgie,

 

I have read the article. So interesting, I’ve never come across this site! Refreshing perspectives. The almost meditative tool of stepping back and viewing you life from the bleachers is such a simple but creative bend. I mean, really, that isn’t a half bad way to go AT ALL. And my eyes have been opened! 
 

I’m fan girlin’ away and I realise my own thoughts and opinions are ricocheting about my mind. I’m thinking, regarding the OP’s question on children, and with it being pretty much THE question and THE decision in life - that with this question, the torment and bitter sweetness of the very thing (“to have children, to not have children”) comes down to the fact that, you will never know what you are missing if you didn’t experience it. And this could be a bad experience, a breathtaking one. A bit inbetween. But, you are sacrificing the “never knowing”. Because, unlike jobs and other things we can logically imagine and get to know the ins and outs of, parenting is one completely different thing on another emotional plane on another universe, and until you’ve been there, you can’t possibly know how it feels. 
 

I’m still learning about it, still discovering new human emotions that become tapped and opened up to me simply through having children, and I’m only 6 years deep into this, plus three babies in 🤣 I have to say, I’m full of emotions, but this has been something beyond. The bad and the good, and all the glorious inbetween.
 

And what some modern articles on the child debate decision never acknowledge for me is that, there is so much primal animal still in us - and what more basic primal and essential urge is there than to pass on your genes? Create the next generation? Raise them, and therefore ensure the survival of your species?! This guilt we feel, this guilt! I almost think part of it is the primordial ringing out in us. We may not be having to deal through a famine anymore. Two out of five of our children may not so sadly die anymore under the age of 2. But this urge! This prehistoric urge, is still there.

 

And the latte me time silence bubble bath jazz music Mongolian hike stuff? That can be picked up once the kids are left and young adults. And, it can be navigated around whilst you still have them, as well. That stuff all totally negates the point of it to me anyway. That latte alone time eyelashes done stuff is, the fluff of life. Not the actual beating heart of it. That stuff is biding time and entertainment for adults. It’s chewing cud till the farmer gets home. It’s the Cartoon Network on Saturday for a 25 plus. What really makes us happy is - a purpose, being needed, and responsibility. Kids will give you that in sack loads. And also, love. Purest love. A child’s innocent, heavenly love. 
 

I can lament, a couple times a year, about the times I could do all my selfish things for me me me. Did it really make me truly happy? I don’t know. I think we know the answer! I think we do. 
 

What do I dream about now? Who do I look for first thing in the morning? Who would I die for, a thousand times over? Who causes me the hardest pain and the most amazing beauty, all because I need them so? And I can’t possibly give up? Who do I owe this pleasure too?! 

 

My kids! 
 

Love!!!! To me, that’s what this time here is all about. It wasn’t about the promotion, the interior, the salary, the car. I thought it was. Sometimes I still kid myself that those things deeply matter. To put those silly things above the real things will subdue the dragon for a bit. But, what are people acknowledging on their death beds? When we’re the good times? Or more like, with who were the good times spent! And with who helped you through the bad? 
 

Not everyone is cut out for kids. But most I think, are. As our ancestors were before us. We are created to raise and have children. It’s the most selfish, selfless, thing, a human can do.

 

There are no words for it, actually, and the melancholy and grief is, when you opt out, you’ll never know what you missed. And ignorance is often bliss. And, you just don’t know.

 

My gut feeling is you’d make an absolutely magical Mum. But, sometimes life doesn’t take us down that route even if we want it too. 
 

Sometimes I think, what if I’d gone to Oxford? What if I’d never met my husband and married young? What would have become of me? What if I’d write ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ like I always touted I would - LMAO. What if, what if, what if! Painfully, what if I’d never had an abortion at 22? What if. I would never of had the children I have now. The eggs in line that created them and my husbands sperm at those exact times would not have been themselves then. How bizarre. What if I’d become a nun instead of a stripper? 
 

HA! 
 

We all have those ships but, you just don’t want to let a serious one go by, those ones I feel cause the problems. We know it when we see it. 
 

I think a lot of people have a hard time being straight up and honest with themselves! 
 

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