Is it considered cheating when you are not official ?

[Daisy Brown]

Long story short, I was with this guy for 3 years ish. He was very manipulative throughout the relationship. We broke up and got back together many times.

Last time we broke up, he made contact again and we started meeting up. He told me we needed to work on ourselves before getting back together, which kind of made sense in the beginning. But he would only want to meet up for sex and emotional support, and only when it suited him. We didn’t seem to be “working on it”. When I asked why we can’t be together while working for each other, he made excuses. 
He also was there for me only when it suited him, so he acted quite single. F.eks promised me to follow me home from a party since I was scared going alone, drunk at night. He bailed on me and walked two random girls instead of me.

later he admitted we weren’t official because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get back together. 
I told him I felt used, he denied it.

He kept saying I was single every time we met. But he also demanded loyalty. I kind of agreed out of no choice, despite telling him I don’t want to be committing to him in such a way without us being boyfriend and girlfriend.

we often fought and would not talk for short periods of time, when I was left not knowing what’s happening.

one day I was at a party after one of our fights. I was extremely confused on what was going on in my love life and if I was alone or not. I got too drunk and ended up hooking up with someone that night . (it was more complicated than that bc of consent stuff, but thats too personal and I won’t go into that rn)

Next day I told the ex (the guy this whole thing is about). And he told me I cheated. 

I agree that I broke a promise, but I don’t consider it cheating since he refused to be my bf or commit longterm. I felt used and did what I did, not that it necessarily was good.

He was then extremely angry with me and used different ways to punish me the next months.

 

So my question is, who do u think is right? Was it cheating or was I being manipulated by him?

 

 

[boltnrun]

Is this the abusive man you asked about in your other post?

If yes, it doesn't matter what he thinks.  He is abusing you and it's time to tell a trusted family member or friend and ask for help getting away.

[Daisy Brown]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Is this the abusive man you asked about in your other post?

If yes, it doesn't matter what he thinks.  He is abusing you and it's time to tell a trusted family member or friend and ask for help getting away.

Yes, it’s the abusive man…

[SooSad33]

30 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

Long story short, I was with this guy for 3 years ish. He was very manipulative throughout the relationship. We broke up and got back together many times.

Like you said... Manipulative. So why are you still sticking around this??

Breaking up/ making up is messy.  Isn't it? 😞 

If you BU, then be done with it.. that's all.

 

31 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

But he would only want to meet up for sex and emotional support, and only when it suited him. We didn’t seem to be “working on it”. When I asked why we can’t be together while working for each other, he made excuses. 

He's full of it.. right?  Controlling, push & pull.. Etc.

 

31 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

ater he admitted we weren’t official because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get back together. 
I told him I felt used, he denied it.

Yeah, but you knew it.

 

33 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

He was then extremely angry with me and used different ways to punish me the next months.

 

So my question is, who do u think is right? Was it cheating or was I being manipulated by him?

YOU have been mis treated for a longgg time now!

What you need to do is rid of him.. totally!  Get your self esteem back and take care of YOU!  He's a pathetic man.  

 

[Daisy Brown]

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Like you said... Manipulative. So why are you still sticking around this??

Breaking up/ making up is messy.  Isn't it? 😞 

If you BU, then be done with it.. that's all.

 

He's full of it.. right?  Controlling, push & pull.. Etc.

 

Yeah, but you knew it.

 

YOU have been mis treated for a longgg time now!

What you need to do is rid of him.. totally!  Get your self esteem back and take care of YOU!  He's a pathetic man.  

 

You are right. Thank you for your kindness and your long reply :))

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

 he would only want to meet up for sex and emotional support, and only when it suited him. 

Yes. It's time to read up on abusive relationships. It's also time to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Reflect on why you allowed yourself to be used. Don't get that drunk at parties. 

[Daisy Brown]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. It's time to read up on abusive relationships. It's also time to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Reflect on why you allowed yourself to be used. Don't get that drunk at parties. 

Thank you for your advice 

[smackie9]

He never really cared about you. He has always put himself first. You have known this since the beginning so why keep going back? This isn't about BF/GF, this is about his character. A decent man would have made sure you got home safe. Your BF/ex was on the hunt to get laid because he saw opportunity in one of those girls.

Abuse or not, your bf /ex is a jerk. You my dear need to locate your self esteem and self worth. You need to know you deserve better.

[DancingFool]

17 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

He kept saying I was single every time we met. But he also demanded loyalty. I kind of agreed out of no choice, despite telling him I don’t want to be committing to him in such a way without us being boyfriend and girlfriend.

OP, nobody can demand loyalty from you without providing loyalty and commitment in return. It is never a one way street. So to answer your question, no you didn't cheat.

What is deeply concerning to me is that you seem to have a deeply internalized idea that you cannot make decisions for yourself. When he demanded what you knew was wrong, you did have a choice to tell him NO. NO is the most powerful word in the world and you can wield that power as needed, especially in situations like these.

You always have the choice to tell a guy like that to get lost and never contact you again and mean it. Kick him out of your life. When people try to abuse you or manipulate you or simply demand something that you know is wrong or unfair, you always have the choice to refuse to comply and to walk away from that situation or that person.

What's even worse is going by your other thread, you were tolerating physical abuse and violence and still continued to stick around him.

You know everything he is doing is toxic, abusive, violent, manipulative and so on. What's going on with you that you have trouble walking away for good? I sincerely hope that you actually take a good time out from dating and find a good therapist and start unpacking what's been driving you to put up with and cling to an abusive psycho. People with healthy boundaries walk away and decide for themselves that fighting and silent treatment for days is not acceptable behavior in a relationship and therefore end the relationship. Somehow you don't seem to realize that you should be making that decision and instead kept looking at him to tell you what to do - you've got to fix that. Only person who tells you what to do should be you. You have to start making decisions for yourself that benefit and protect you and not look to anyone else for that.

[Daisy Brown]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He never really cared about you. He has always put himself first. You have known this since the beginning so why keep going back? This isn't about BF/GF, this is about his character. A decent man would have made sure you got home safe. Your BF/ex was on the hunt to get laid because he saw opportunity in one of those girls.

Abuse or not, your bf /ex is a jerk. You my dear need to locate your self esteem and self worth. You need to know you deserve better.

Thank you so much for your reply 🥺🥰

[Daisy Brown]

9 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

OP, nobody can demand loyalty from you without providing loyalty and commitment in return. It is never a one way street. So to answer your question, no you didn't cheat.

What is deeply concerning to me is that you seem to have a deeply internalized idea that you cannot make decisions for yourself. When he demanded what you knew was wrong, you did have a choice to tell him NO. NO is the most powerful word in the world and you can wield that power as needed, especially in situations like these.

You always have the choice to tell a guy like that to get lost and never contact you again and mean it. Kick him out of your life. When people try to abuse you or manipulate you or simply demand something that you know is wrong or unfair, you always have the choice to refuse to comply and to walk away from that situation or that person.

What's even worse is going by your other thread, you were tolerating physical abuse and violence and still continued to stick around him.

You know everything he is doing is toxic, abusive, violent, manipulative and so on. What's going on with you that you have trouble walking away for good? I sincerely hope that you actually take a good time out from dating and find a good therapist and start unpacking what's been driving you to put up with and cling to an abusive psycho. People with healthy boundaries walk away and decide for themselves that fighting and silent treatment for days is not acceptable behavior in a relationship and therefore end the relationship. Somehow you don't seem to realize that you should be making that decision and instead kept looking at him to tell you what to do - you've got to fix that. Only person who tells you what to do should be you. You have to start making decisions for yourself that benefit and protect you and not look to anyone else for that.

I really appreciate all effort you put into that answer, thank you

[Batya33]

You're not married or in a court of law so who cares if it's "considered cheating" - what matters is -if you are in a healthful, committed relationship -which you were not - you remain true to your promises to each other whether that is to promise not to date outside the relationship, a promise not to ever eat the last bite of cake or ice cream left over - whatever- and in general you act consistently with being in a committed relationship.  So for example you don't play with fire -if you're committed you don't choose to get drunk in a situation where you might then choose to have sex with someone -because if you choose to get drunk you choose the consequences (no, you don't choose to be raped- I'm talking about people who blame their choices on 'well I was drunk") - but all of this has no relevance here because you were not in a committed relationship.