What should me and this girl do? We like each other a lot but it's complicated

[Jeff Sutton]

A couple months ago back in May of 2021 we started hooking up and falling in love, but later in the month she had to return to the army for 3 more months. In September she came back and we started seeing each other right away. I could tell from the start that she was not in a good mental place and that she wasn't happy when I was not around and even some times when we were together she would breakdown and not speak. I didn't know how to console her at the time but this week we spoke about it. She wasn't happy with the way things were going and wanted to say something before we ended up hating each other. So last night we sat down and spoke. In the end, there were 2 outcomes of what we could be.

1) We could start dating right now officially - but we both agreed it would not end well and that we don't want to feel like we did before.

2) We could be a "friends with benefits". Meaning, we hang out less and speak less but we will still hookup and be friends, just not in the public eye. I said I did not mind this except I would need to be exclusive. (I told her the truth and said that if we weren't exclusive, I would not be able to be even friends with her because my feelings for Rachel are too strong and it would hurt too much to think of her being with another guy.

3) We end things right now and distance ourselves for a little bit and see what happens. But I told her again that if we were not exclusive and she goes out with other guys then I don't see us having a future in terms on a dating relationship or even a friendly relationship.

We both agreed that we want a relationship and want to be with each other in the future, but it just did not work the first time in terms of me and her being ready for a relationship.

After hours of being sad and crying because we both didn't know what to do, we chose option 2, but she was not sure about the exclusivity. She said that most of her friends are guy friends (and they are), and that she would be in an awkward situation to reject a guy because she technically does not have a boyfriend. This kind of pushes me away but I love her so much. She agreed to be exclusive after thinking about it.

I feel as though I lost her and there is no hope for a future relationship. What can I do to help us? and do you think staying "friends with benefits" is the right move?

Again, we both confirmed last night that we still have feelings for each other.

[SooSad33]

31 minutes ago, Jeff Sutton said:

I could tell from the start that she was not in a good mental place and that she wasn't happy when I was not around and even some times when we were together she would breakdown and not speak.

She is confused.. unsure what she wants.

You two were only together a short time before she left for a few months, so, in that time, your relationship was not able to flourish, causing some distance between you.

 

33 minutes ago, Jeff Sutton said:

we chose option 2, but she was not sure about the exclusivity. She said that most of her friends are guy friends (and they are), and that she would be in an awkward situation to reject a guy because she technically does not have a boyfriend. This kind of pushes me away but I love her so much. She agreed to be exclusive after thinking about it.

One thing you should not do is pressure her to accept your terms, this may bite you in the end, causing resentment. So, don't be surprised if she doesn't follow through.

Sounds like what she wants & what you want are two different things.

I am not sure if she should even be looking at her 'guy friends' that way.. this could cause a mess for her 😕 .  My guy friends are just that.. 'friends'. But, is her choice and is for her to face in the end.

 

As you know fwb comes with no expectations, so I feel YOU will be the one hurt here.  As I mentioned, you two never were able to have your relationship progress much before she left for a while. I feel she is still young and wanting to mingle.

So, this may hurt you more.. In time, I am sure you will see the light and have no choice but to accept she is not as interested same way as you are.. sorry 😕 .

In which case, you would need to walk away and have no more to do with her, for your own good.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jeff Sutton said:

2) We could be a "friends with benefits". Meaning, we hang out less and speak less but we will still hookup and be friends, just not in the public eye

we chose option 2, but she was not sure about the exclusivity.

Sorry this is happening. It seems like she wants you as a friend but wants to date other men.

Perhaps there is someone she became interested in during her military deployment. There is definitely someone else in the picture if you are a secret and she doesn't want to be exclusive.

Whatever the case choosing nonexclusive hooking up is the worst option. Condoms, constant STD tests, disappearances when she's with others, etc.

 Sounds like a lot of headaches and heartaches for some random sex, no? 

More likely she just didn't know how to end things cleanly but when she secures someone else, you'll end up hurt all over again.

What is it you want? This seems like a raw deal.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Jeff Sutton said:

She said that most of her friends are guy friends (and they are), and that she would be in an awkward situation to reject a guy because she technically does not have a boyfriend.

Oof. Run. I am fine by men/women friendships. There are even some women who better mash up with men(she is in the army so there is that also). But that sentence by itself, its such a huge red flag that it really shows her character. She couldnt turn down her guy friends because she technically doesnt have a boyfriend? What? What kind of friends she has? Does she purposely surrounds herself with people who would have sex with her when she wants to give them a chance? There is so much wrong with that sentence alone it hurts. 

If you cant handle to share her, dont do FWB. Its a string with no attachments, as soon as one side develops feelings, that is it. And you are entering with feelings for her and how she should be only yours. It wont work. Especially because she seem to plan for you to be just another one of her "guy friends". 

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, Jeff Sutton said:

I could tell from the start that she was not in a good mental place and that she wasn't happy when I was not around and even some times when we were together she would breakdown and not speak. I didn't know how to console her at the time but this week we spoke about it. She wasn't happy with the way things were going and wanted to say something before we ended up hating each other.

But what does this mean? 

What does not in a good mental place mean or what is she describing? Why is she not happy? 

You know that anything ongoing with an unhappy person is overall an unhappy situation so why pursue this? Be respectful and step away. Lovey feelings are besides the point. You can't make up for an unhappy person or someone who is inherently discontented or displeased with themselves.

[MissCanuck]

You are setting yourself up to get hurt, OP. 

FWB only really works when neither party has feelings for the other, and that is very clearly not the case for you. I guarantee you she will re-neg on being exclusive as soon as the next interesting guy rolls into her view. 

I'm sorry, man. You're wasting your time on her.