My friend died.

[Chubby Chub]

A dear friend of mine died on Tuesday. We were thick as thieves when we first met. Years went by and my that friend I cared about so much started changing.   She became an alcoholic.  Lived recklessly.   Put herself in harms way all of the time.  I tried for years to help and nothing helped. The more I tried to help the more we drifted apart. For my own mental sanity I had to create distance. I reached out from time to time to check on her.  Always up to her old ways, but she was alive.  I always hoped she would get it together.  I received the call that she died last Tuesday.  Somehow I've prepared myself for this call for a while.   But it actually happening has left me in shock. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I didn't know how bad it was.  I still don't believe it.   I feel sad, angry, guilty.  I feel like maybe if I was there more this wouldn't have happened.  Everyone close to me tells me not to feel guilty.   They know everything I've done to help in the past and there's nothing I could have done.  But it still hurts so bad.  Her services will be on Thursday and I can't even be there.   Her family is having a small private service due to covid and the service will be shown on YouTube.  I have to see my friend one last time laying in a casket via YouTube.   Idk what I'm searching for here.   Perhaps I just needed to get this out. Between this and my recent breakup, I just feel so broken.  How do I get thru this? 

[Seraphim]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with yourself . It takes time to process and that is ok. 
 

Please don’t feel guilty. The only people we can save is ourselves . She was the captain of her own life . I can sort of understand my dad was pretty self destructive and I had stayed out of the way a good 30 years and just over a year ago he chose to end his dialysis and die. I felt so horrible and sometimes still do for not being more in his life . However, we have to realize being around toxic people who are abusing themselves leaves us at risk of being abused and self destruction. 
 

You did nothing wrong. Grieve and be gentle with yourself. 

[Kwothe28]

I feel for you. I had a close friend die two months ago. He was in different town so we didnt saw each other frequently but we always heard on the phone and talked a lot. He was young, sports fanatic, didnt smoked and do drugs, even drinked alcohol very rarely and died unexpectedly due to desease discovered in a very late stages of it. We heard few days before that, he told me about what they discovered and couldnt talk a lot because of it so I didnt want to disturb him anymore. Anyway, few days later I saw a Facebook status from his sister that tagged him. He unfortunately passed away from complications due to ilness. Still feel guilty for not maybe reaching more to be there for him even though I know he barely could talk. Anyway, since he was a college friend, one other friend from college that was from his town attended the funeral and payed for flowers on behalf of our college group. Rest of us did donate some money for charity in his name. I chose one related to basketball, he loved that sport. So I would recommend that, since your friend troubles were alcohol related, you choose something related to battling alcoholism and donate to that in your friends name. It is something nice you can do even though you can no longer help her personally.

Also, dont feel guilty, you tried to help. Some people are just like that, self-destructive. Even though we try to steer them up, they always end up with the head banging against the wall. In a situations like that, there was very little you could do to actually help. Change comes within ourselves, if the person doesnt really want to change, its pointless to steer them up on the right way. Take care for yourself.

Also, if you have real difficulties in getting through grief, search for grief recovery groups in your area. It might be beneficial to share that grief with somebody that could help you get through this in time.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm sorry to hear this and keeping her and her family in my prayers. I'd find a way to celebrate her life. Gather a group of close friends or remember her on your own.

[melancholy123]

Give yourself time to process this.  You did what you could but you cant save someone from themselves.

I had a friend die from ALS, a horrible way to die.  He was like a brother to me and it shocked me and tore me apart.  nobody could have saved him and it ws an atrocious way to go.

Find a way to celebrate her life.

 

[SooSad33]

Sorry for your loss ... it's never easy. ❤️ 

You will go through the process (denial, anger, sadness etc).

Eventually it won't be as heavy.. but it'll come in waves as you work through this and eventually you'll reach  'acceptance'.

For now, I'm sure it is just the shock & reality.

But try hard to not see this as a 'fault' on yourself.  If she spent a long time struggling through her challenges, was not on anyone else but herself.  We can only do so much in issue's like this.

So, be easy on yourself.  You did what you felt you could, but you can't save someone who struggles with things like this.

All takes time.. to accept & heal from loss. ( Mom just lost a really good friend last week). Yes, it hurts.

Self care in this difficult time ❤️ . Take it easy, get your rest. and yes, as mentioned, maybe put together a keepsake of your friendship?  Frame a picture or put together a folder of her...etc.

 

TC 

 

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for your loss and pain.

Try not to feel guilty at all.  You've tried your best and it's all anyone can do.  She was responsible for her own life.  Not everyone was meant to be compatible toward one another.  Once you accept this fact, you will ponder about how everything in her life transpired including your disintegrated friendship with her which was beyond anyone's control.  You will learn that not everything in life was meant to be.  I hope your new mindset will dissolve your guilt one day.

I've tried to make certain friendships and relationships with others thrive and work in my favor all to no avail.  Whenever there are differences in personality, character, values, health, lifestyles, habits and preferences, not all friendships or relationships will endure.  Usually, relationships or friendships are doomed for failure whenever conditions are not optimal.  It's bound to happen sooner or later. 

Take a step back to reassess and reevaluate.  Then this will all make sense to you.  Hopefully, you will begin to heal after perceiving situations with a new lens and different perspective. 

[greendots]

I'm sorry for your loss.

12 hours ago, Chubby Chub said:

How do I get thru this? 

Honestly, do anything that helps you cope with it, like journalling, drawing, walking, grief recovery groups, talking to friends, etc. If you feel like crying, then so be it. Everyone deals with loss differently, so just do whatever works for you.

I wish for you to have peace and strength get through this. ❤️

[ignite]

I'm sorry to hear this 😞