Is my GF under the spell of a Co-Dependendant mother?

[Wiseman2]

Maybe it's time to let it go. Building a federal case against the mother is a huge waste of your time.

[LaHermes]

3 hours ago, JimStewart said:

This is not a cultural thing.  This is a dysfunctional family thing.

I agree. 

There are types like Mommy dearest everywhere. We have them here too.  Rude, abrasive and ultimately saddled with their own mighty inferiority complex, which leads to such unacceptable behaviour.

Directness I value.  Rudeness no.

Anyhow, as I said before, JS, you actually have had a lucky escape here.  Don't give them any more head space.  Just heave a sigh of relief.

And next time round, JS, take a long, hard, investigative look at the family (and its dynamics) behind the person you may be considering for a relationship. Dysfunctional individuals do not have boundaries, so do not naively think you would be able to keep them at arm's length. Anyhow, why let yourself in for such hardship!

 

 

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, JimStewart said:

Thank you for your comments.  I'd note this was my business. My then GF had her foot stung by a bee before her Mother arrived and we (GF and I) were dealing with it together.  The morning of the incident my GF and I were texting and on the phone, and the TM show her reaching out to me, notwithstanding her mother being in her apartment, complaining about the pain in her foot and how she wanted to go to the ER and my stating I would take a look at her foot when I arrived at her apartment.  I shared the TM with a friend who also happens to be Russian and she stated the messages showed the story exactly as I had told her.  So this was my business.

I am a realist and I have traveled more than most non-Russians to and in Russia and I have spent more time than most with Russians in Russia and in the U.S.  This is not a cultural thing.  This is a dysfunctional family thing.

By the way, flights between Moscow and LA can be had for under $800 round trip so expense is not an issue, particularly where the mother is not renting a car nor paying for a hotel.  The mother who claims to be a doctor.

I can tell you growing up as a child my Mother never left me or my siblings for three weeks to go hang out in LA.  I can't imagine my siblings and my father being without my Mother so she can have fun in some far away city.  My GF is 30 something while her brother back home in Moscow is just 14 and soon it will be a month that his Mom has been away from home.  Sorry, in my book, that's not normal.

I have observed both, the now ex GF and the mother, and there is a definite dysfunctional co-dependency.  Another friend familiar with them remarked there was definitely a dysfunctional co-dependency. She noted the complexity as the Mother was the enabler of the physically/sexually abusive alcoholic father.  She states the mother saw me as a threat to her control over her daughter and she  manipulated my GF to push me out of the picture. 

 

Well obviously I don't know anyone in this story including you so you would know better than me what the situation is. I think unfortunately at this stage because your relationship is over you should try as best as you can to move on. I also still think that your girlfriend probably wasn't as in love with you or into you as you'd actually thought. Otherwise I don't understand why she'd break up with you because of a couple of tiffs with her mother when her mother doesn't even live in L. A. and she was just going to leave and go back home anyway and then she wouldn't even be there. I think if you really like someone you would fight for them. As you know I'm Russian myself but I'm bisexual and when I was 28 I had a girlfriend for the first time. I told my Mum who I'm close with who didn't exactly approve of it. She told me not to tell my Dad because he wouldn't accept it, so I didn't tell him. But I was still with my girlfriend for nearly two years because I loved her and I didn't care what my parents thought. 

Also my advice still stands to not do too much for your girlfriends. I think you go too much above and beyond and some people can take advantage of that. I think unfortunately in this case maybe to your girlfriend this may have been more a relationship of convenience. Sure she may be co-dependent and so on but she seemed to have dropped you very fast when you'd already been together for six months. How can this be just because of the mother when the mother is in another country and was barely ever even going to spend time with her or you.

I know you don't like the mother and it's just my opinion but I don't think it's really your business how long the mother is staying in LA. Her son is with his Dad so he's not actually alone. She never gets to see her daughter so that's why she might want to stay long.

I think at this point you haven't heard from your ex-girlfriend ever since and I don't think you should reach out to her either. I know it's disappointing and hurtful but she dropped you like a hot potato and didn't fight for your relationship at all. So why would you want to be with her anyway? 

But again I'd like to point out that her relationship with her mother, mother's relationship with her son etc. doesn't particularly concern you, especially now that you've broken up. So I think it would be in your best interests to stop analysing it all over and over.

[JimStewart]

4 hours ago, LaHermes said:

And next time round, JS, take a long, hard, investigative look at the family (and its dynamics) behind the person you may be considering for a relationship. Dysfunctional individuals do not have boundaries,

This is really great advice as I've seen and now experienced the ramifications of dating a person from a significantly dysfunctional family.  Absent therapy or some other corrective actions, the person from a significantly dysfunctional can logically be expected to be dysfunctional.  

Thank you.

[JimStewart]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

But again I'd like to point out that her relationship with her mother, mother's relationship with her son etc. doesn't particularly concern you, especially now that you've broken up. So I think it would be in your best interests to stop analysing it all over and over.

I think this is a natural part of the closure process.  Perhaps if you recall from my original posts, the Mother's excuse for going beyond her one week stay in LA and changing her plane ticket was she claimed she might have to travel to Indianapolis for work (this is the corporate headquarters for the company she works for while she lives and works in Moscow).   Now, this made no sense to me from the outset, but now, over two weeks later, that representation was clearly false. As one Russian friend told me, you can't believe anything this person says.

The fact is the more time progresses, the more the unhealthy dysfunction of my former GF and her mother is revealed.  As noted, the mother has a 14 year old son who has not seen his mother in three weeks now going on one month.  Her husband has not seen his wife for three weeks going on a month.  Sorry, but in my book that is not being a good mom or a good wife.

My Ex-GF who is 30 something and without a car has now been living in her studio apartment and sleeping with her mother in her little twin bed for three weeks and now going on a month.  (Also odd the mother/daughter haven't even rented a car as cars are pretty much a necessity in LA).  

I grew up with a brother and sisters and of course a mom and a dad. I have had many friends, including Russians who moved to the U.S. so the more time that passes, the more the dysfunction is revealed, the better off I realize I am by escaping that family before I invested even more of my time. 

And I agree with you.  She dropped me like a hot potato....and over really nothing.  Her BF before me cheated on her with her friend and yet with him she refused to acknowledge he cheated on her (despite him posting proof on instagram) and states she was severely depressed after that break up.  Yet with me she she had no problem walking away from our relationship and not looking back. 

That she had the ability to be that way only serves to underscore her dysfunction to me, and again, makes closure that much more obtainable.

[LotusBlack]

10 hours ago, JimStewart said:

I think this is a natural part of the closure process.  Perhaps if you recall from my original posts, the Mother's excuse for going beyond her one week stay in LA and changing her plane ticket was she claimed she might have to travel to Indianapolis for work (this is the corporate headquarters for the company she works for while she lives and works in Moscow).   Now, this made no sense to me from the outset, but now, over two weeks later, that representation was clearly false. As one Russian friend told me, you can't believe anything this person says.

Honestly, OP, you’re focusing too much on the mother staying longer than intended. It’s true that it is not any of your business what the mother’s choices are or why she is making them, especially now that you and your ex are exes. You have, in my opinion, an unhealthy attachment to this aspect of the situation. Let it be; it really doesn’t matter anymore as you and your ex are done, and so is your involvement with her mother.

You’re beating a dead horse here; it’s time to let it go now. Learn from the experience, grow, and use all this to create a better relationship with someone compatible next time. I wish you all the very best luck going forward!

 

[Wiseman2]

It's ok to do the sour grapes thing for a while, but after dating this briefly, you need to let go of this mental autopsy on the mother and postmortem on the relationship.

 Maybe it's time to reflect why you're inordinately bent out of shape about all this and the ridiculous power struggle with the mother.

[Capricorn3]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok to do the sour grapes thing for a while, but after dating this briefly, you need to let go of this mental autopsy on the mother and postmortem on the relationship.

 Maybe it's time to reflect why you're inordinately bent out of shape about all this and the ridiculous power struggle with the mother.

^ I second this entire post.  It' really time you look within.

[LaHermes]

OP.  I wouldn't give mommy dearest any more space inside your head. She isn't worth it.  And maybe her albeit temporary appearance in your life was, as I said earlier, a blessing in disguise.  It was the detonator to get you out of a toxic situation.  Look at it like that.

And you have nothing to envy there either.  Nightmares are best forgotten but they can leave a lingering bad taste.

To some extent I do understand OP. Blatant rudeness can rock one back on one's heels. Sure you went OTT with the hospitality. But a gracious person would maybe smile wryly to herself and simply say "thank you for going to so much trouble".  How much easier is it to say those few words?  Rather than snapping and barking.

Again, remember this, OP.  You will never get pears off an elm tree.

 

 

[JimStewart]

On 9/12/2021 at 5:42 AM, LaHermes said:

OP.  I wouldn't give mommy dearest any more space inside your head. She isn't worth it.  And maybe her albeit temporary appearance in your life was, as I said earlier, a blessing in disguise.  It was the detonator to get you out of a toxic situation.  Look at it like that.

And you have nothing to envy there either.  Nightmares are best forgotten but they can leave a lingering bad taste.

To some extent I do understand OP. Blatant rudeness can rock one back on one's heels. Sure you went OTT with the hospitality. But a gracious person would maybe smile wryly to herself and simply say "thank you for going to so much trouble".  How much easier is it to say those few words?  Rather than snapping and barking.

Again, remember this, OP.  You will never get pears off an elm tree.

 

 

You make good sense LaHermes.  Given the current circumstances, unlike anything I've ever experienced before in a relationship or break-up, the Mom is fading fast in the rear view mirror.  Now its just a matter of coming to terms with who or what my now ex GF is.  Friends who know the situation well state "obvious narcissistic gold-digger."  

Regardless, my feelings were real so its just a matter of time to heal and move on. Time for my heart to come back in line with my brain.  Ultimately you are likely correct that this was a blessing in disguise.  Thank you.

[LaHermes]

8 hours ago, JimStewart said:

my feelings were real so its just a matter of time to heal and move on. Time for my heart to come back in line with my brain.

Of course, Jim. And realisation is very painful too.  There are all kinds out there.  Prudence and caution are the key. Very best of luck going forward.