Advice on this please

[gm02]

So i’m 19, i’m male, and i’ve constantly felt that any attempt to form a serious relationship with anybody is impossible as i can’t seem to feel one way about somebody for very long, or atleast in context. It sounds stupid putting it shortly but i’ll try to explain it better. 

Throughout recent years i’ve experienced dating but have always found that i get so overexcited super quickly, like nothing else matters and im buzzing all of the time with this new person in my life. Then, in a matter of weeks or if not days, i feel like ive rushed way too quickly into this and i end up hurting somebody. When i first found this out about myself when i was younger, i thought it best to just stick to short or casual relationships until maybe when im older when id develop a want for a more serious relationship. This has been my outlook since and will continue to be, but i’ve unfortunately discovered another fun trait my brain has.

 

Over the last couple year i have been around this girl i had known of since the beginning of highschool (age 11) but did not interact properly at all with until later on (age 16-17). We started seeing eachother but i felt what i described above, overexcitement at first and then within a week or so.. nothing. Honestly i felt worry more than anythjng at having to upset somebody else. So i pull out of it and she’s obviously upset, but continued to text and call and be upset for months. Within this time i had been and slept with her as it wasnt like upset 24/7, more of a constant pestering which i didnt take kindly to but kept falling back to her. I know this was wrong, i shouldnt’ve gone back to her at all because it simply makes the situation worse but i did this on multiple occasions. During university, she had been over multiple times and we established that this was a casual thing, which she agreed to. We were on good terms as friends, speaking somewhat frequently and neither was upset about or felt anything strong toward the other. I was happy bc i was glad she’d found out i wasnt worth being upset over and that i was just there as a friend that would fool around with her and she was happy about that. 

However, as i have seen her less and less frequently, she’s eluded to seeing another lad, which i should be fine wjth because for months and months i have had no desire to see this girl in any other capacity than mates, but as soon as its hinted at that she’s starting to see somebody else, im stunned. I feel constantly upset and i feel a physical hurt in my stomach thinking about her. It’s like i would give up anything to be her’s you know. But this has happened before. Exactly what i have described has happened with a separate person too, and now i barely think about thag person. Because as soon as she became single again, i was over the moon and went back to her… only to discover within a week i felt nothing and had to let her down again. 

So that’s the issue. It’s happened before but i can feel myself right now starting up the “extreme hurt” section again after staying with this girl for the past two nights knowing that shes on the cusp of seriously getting with this other lad. He knows who i am as well, not personally but in relation to the girl. She will have told him who j am as she had a significant period of being stuck on me. 

Ultimately, im worried that im just going to be stuck like this forever… not being able to actually attach myself to anybody for any longer than a ***ing week. And then longing after people when they’re with somebody and unavailable and then not giving a *** when they’re single.

Im really sorry if thats a mess to read, in all honesty i feel like just writing it down will benefit me but i’m posting to see what anybody else would do in my position please. Of course the best thing would be to let her get on with it and move on from me, but then im left here trying to move on from her again. I might deserve it but the period of time of which this happened before was the lowest point in my life. 
 

Thank you, if it doesnt make sense then please just ask to clarify anything 🙂

[LaHermes]

What is totally unclear to me, GM, is why at age NINETEEN, you'd want to get tied into what you call a serious relationship. Enjoy life!  You are so young!  Try not to make things so complicated.  Get out there, see the world, meet people, and you will find your mindset utterly changed in several years' time. 

[LoveConquersAll]

It doesn't make sense. Can you please clarify? Are you avoiding her? Is it your style?

21 minutes ago, gm02 said:

Thank you, if it doesnt make sense then please just ask to clarify anything 🙂

 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, gm02 said:

So i’m 19, i’m male, and i’ve constantly felt that any attempt to form a serious relationship with anybody is impossible as i can’t seem to feel one way about somebody for very long, or atleast in context.

It may seem like an oversimplification, but it sounds like you're not ready to settle down or date seriously.

That's fine. You can play the field, stay unattached and enjoy things a bit.

If and when you find someone you want to be exclusive or serious with you can revisit the situation at that time.

[Rose Mosse]

 

42 minutes ago, gm02 said:

\but the period of time of which this happened before was the lowest point in my life. 

 

Thank you, if it doesnt make sense then please just ask to clarify anything 🙂

Why is this the lowest point in your life? Hold off dating or seeing anyone. If you're not happy with yourself you won't be happy with anyone else.

[Kwothe28]

24 minutes ago, gm02 said:

However, as i have seen her less and less frequently, she’s eluded to seeing another lad, which i should be fine wjth because for months and months i have had no desire to see this girl in any other capacity than mates, but as soon as its hinted at that she’s starting to see somebody else, im stunned. I feel constantly upset and i feel a physical hurt in my stomach thinking about her. It’s like i would give up anything to be her’s you know. But this has happened before. Exactly what i have described has happened with a separate person too, and now i barely think about thag person. Because as soon as she became single again, i was over the moon and went back to her… only to discover within a week i felt nothing and had to let her down again. 

Its called "mimetic desire". Valuing something because somebody else values it. You are like a kid that doesnt want a toy. But when he see somebody else plays with that same toy it wants it back. But gets bored with it and throws it away fast after it gets it. In other words, you are only putting value on those girls because somebody else had them. Otherwise, you dont like them. Which suggests you still havent developed your own taste, what you want, what you dont want from the girl, from relationship in general and stuff like that. Which is OK, you are young, you have plenty of time to find that out.

[SooSad33]

You need to give yourself time.

Maybe avoid getting involved with anyone for a while, knowing how you can be.

And do NOT be using them for fun, as you know you can hurt them.  Remain single for a while and NO expectations with anyone.

You probably feel some sort of attachment to them, since you let it linger on and on, in which case, you can end up with a little emotions this way.

So, IF you are done with them, then just be done.

And as for getting involved with 'friends', how about not?  Is best to keep friends as just that and don't cross those lines.

In time, as you figure yourself out, you may just have that mentality to feel you are actually really into someone to where you feel 'ready' to be fully involved ( considering your own mental ability).  You're still young and have not fully matured..yet.

Slow down.. give it time.. and remain on your own as you learn & grow and I am sure someday you will feel right with someone special!

If you do find it doesn't change for you over time, then consider looking to seek some counselling on this issue.

[LoveConquersAll]

OP, is it a timing thing? Did something happen in your life before meeting her that made you so conflicted? Does she know?

If you are still in contact, a good idea would be to sit her down in a quiet place and explain the context as she might be very confused herself. 

Ultimately though, it seems as though something keeps drawing you to each other, and that's a rare thing. I would strongly encourage you to open up and be vulnerable to her - it'll help you get closer to each other, and she would only ❤️ you more for it.

[Batya33]

It's because you're self absorbed -you're focusing on how strong your feelings are and overexcited/on the edge of your seat to you means "strong" rather than infatuation, or, yes, love but the "high" part of lasting love - you want that constant feeling of thrills and excitement and you feel that especially when a woman is a challenge or pulls away.  You don't (yet) value the excitement that comes from feeling at home with someone, from feeling secure and like that person gets you, from knowing that even if at that very moment you don't feel a spark, it's there, it will return. 

Loving is giving more than a feeling.  The giving part is what makes relationships last.  Giving is other-centered and focusing on how excited you are is self-absorbed to an extent.  The excitement of a challenge helps love last -but the challenge of being with a person who you love and who challenges you in a good way -who challenges you to step up to the plate, to see the world maybe a slightly different way - not the challenge of "does she really want me? will she leave me? is she interested in that other guy??"  Those types of challenges fuel strong feelings but not the sort of feelings that form the foundation of a longlasting relationship. 

At some point you will become the right person to find the right person - meaning you will value the chemistry, passion, caring, kindness from someone who wants you as much as you want them and who keeps you on your toes not because she might leave you but because she also is invested in supporting you while you grow (which never stops!) and who won't back down if she sees you acting inconsistently with your values or goals -she's unafraid to speak up and step up because of your commitment.

I absolutely do not think 19 is too young.  My mom was engaged at that age, my high school best friend was almost engaged and serious (and married at age 21, late 1980s), one of my friend's daughters married 8 years ago at age 17 to a 19 year old and they now have two kids, one on the way and love each other and are committed to each other.  Sure many 19 year olds -and many 40 year olds -are not ready -sometimes it's a maturity/brain development thing for teenagers but age is not the reason.  I think -humbly- the reason is what I wrote above.  Good luck.

[smackie9]

 

That's addiction to the chase...dopamine is what you actually chase. It's what's released in the brain when we fall for someone. And yes I agree that's your focus is that hit of dopamine that creates what you are feeling in the moment, and has nothing to do with the person you are with. To fix this, you need to rein in these emotions, and actually get to know the person. Learn to admire them, like how pretty her eyes are, the sound of her voice, her laugh, etc. Discover and slow savor. Find your feelings through those little things of attraction.

It's true we desire most what we can't have...it's in all of us, but what happens to you is on a different level. This should be looked into by a therapist to help you control it better. You obviously are noticing this, and you are concerned. We can only advice, and not provide you treatment of any kind to resolve this.