5 year relationship just ended and i'm heartbroken. Any advice

[sam6]

I just broke things off with my girlfriend and i feel absolutely gutted. I feel very empty inside. I was could tell that things were not going super well because we didnt miss eachother when we were away for small periods of time. I know thats healthy sometimes but I just thought it was a little odd. We had a lot of fun times as well as almost an equal amount of hard times but we always found a way through it. I did end things with her because she started to treat me like I wasnt important and she stopped trying as far as maintaining the relationship. It's both of our faults but she fell out of love before I did and thats what hurts. I am still very much in love with her. 

One thing I did notice about myself when i am reflecting now (its been 2 days) is that I relied on her too much for happiness. I was so reliant on her to make me happy and i think that put pressure on her that she ended up not liking. It pushed her away I think and that really hurts thinking that if only i was more independent this would have never happened.

Another thing that was a road block for a successful relationship I think was that she did not like herself and was very insecure. This was probably very hard for her because I know it was very hard for me to try to be happy when with her. She was very cynical and defensive about everything. She had a lot on her plate as far as finishing her thesis paper which she was not enjoying, as well as running for a d1 track program that she was also not enjoying. I tried my best to try to help her relax, although I think a lot of the time it made it worse. Both of us also dont really know exactly what we want our career paths to be which may have added to the stress pool.

I talked with her over the phone and after a few days we were remarkably calm talking about the relationship and what maybe went wrong and how we currently feel. As i said before, I am very much still in this with this person, although they seemed to fall out of love with me slowly before the break up happened. We laughed at everything that seemed to be serious a few days earlier and I seemed to cry a little more than she did because I think she had moved on by now. 

WHAT I AM STRUGGLING WITH

is why i feel so much love for her even though she treated me poorly? I know I deserve more love than this but I just cant seem to get over her. Why?? I would fall on the sword for this person when im not sure they would do the same for me. I know I need to keep myself busy and let myself feel emotions, but I just still love her so much. She told me that she still loves me and cares for me but she just doesnt want to date me right now because she just doesnt feel attracted to me the same way, as well as trying to find her own path in her messy life. I understand and accept her reasoning but its so damn painful to deal with this reality when just a couple days ago I thought we were gonna get married at some point. 5 years is a long time to have a best friend taken from me.

[SherrySher]

You are mourning and when in mourning, you can make the person out to be superhuman and everything perfect, when it's not the case.

Your reality of her is all skewed, because it's the end and because your ego, and your heart is also very hurt. 

It's not just a knock to your heart but also a knock to yourself esteem and self confidence.

So you're dealing with many emotions right now and that can feel overwhelming as well as convince yourself that she's perfect and there won't ever be anyone as good for you as her.

But it's not the truth.

It's part of the mourning process.

Give yourself time. She wasn't a good partner, she treated you badly, she wasn't interested in your feelings or trying to work things out with you.

Her head and her heart has already moved on.

In time, you will come to accept this.

But for now, be gentle with yourself, mourn, but don't allow yourself to sink too deeply into it.

Realize that you will heal from this and you will move on from this.

 

[SooSad33]

Yes, 5 years is a good while, so is not like one can just push it all aside and say they feel nothing.

You two were involved... you tried, you had issue's.

Sadly, there is no guarantee when it comes to relationships.

There are expectations and it draws your energy.

You two came to realize it wasn't working out anymore.

 It takes two to make things work out.. and can be especially challenging if her mental health is challenged 😕 .

I am sorry this is not working out, but is maybe best if her heart isn't in it anymore.

And yes, it best to just back away and respectfully let her be now.. I am sure it's difficult for you both to work on accepting what is and heal.

Distance is what will help you do this... Take time and take care of YOU now. Be easy on yourself.  

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, sam6 said:

I just cant seem to get over her. Why??

Well, you need to be patient here. From what you describe, the break-up was very recent. It's going to take much more time to get over her. You can't expect it to happen within a few days. 

Unfortuantely, this is part of dating. Sometimes we grow apart, and it doesn't work out. It's hard. It will hurt. We have to lean into the experience and trust that the pain will diminish over time. And we have to trust that we learn to live with a new "normal" without the ex. It will feel frightening and unfamiliar and sad, but over time, we usually start to see that it's not as horrible as we imagined. We have time to reflect and see why the relationship maybe wasn't right for us, either. 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, sam6 said:

 5 years is a long time to have a best friend taken from me.

Sorry this happened. Have you broken up before? 

How old is she? Do you live together?

Let the dust settle. It seems she feels suffocated and overwhelmed by both demands she puts on herself academically and with athletics as well as demands from you to make you happy.

Step back and relax and reflect a bit. Heartaches hurt there's no getting around it, especially if it's all you've known for the past 5 years.

In the meantime, talk to your doctor about moods and anxiety and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, sam6 said:

It pushed her away I think and that really hurts thinking that if only i was more independent this would have never happened.

Its a thing we do. "If only I did X, Y would never happened". In reality its way more complicated. While if you were being "clingy" certanly didnt help, I would say that you seeking love from somebody who is very cynical is recipe for dissaster by itself. No wonder you dont feel very "loved" by her. Also, no, she doesnt love you. Relationship has run its course for her and she left. But its OK, its been a few days, you are still in denial part of grieving. It will get better in time and you will be able to move away.

[sam6]

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Have you broken up before? 

How old is she? Do you live together?

Let the dust settle. It seems she feels suffocated and overwhelmed by both demands she puts on herself academically and with athletics as well as demands from you to make you happy.

Step back and relax and reflect a bit. Heartaches hurt there's no getting around it, especially if it's all you've known for the past 5 years.

In the meantime, talk to your doctor about moods and anxiety and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Thank you, I have never had this magnitude of a break up and been so emotionally invested in trying to fix it. I lived with her this summer and it was a stressful time in life for the both of us. We weren't really there for eachother how we shouldve been. I have accepted that she is moving on although the thought of her with someone else is lethal. There are a lot of things that I found great about her, and like many of you said, thats part of the process of grieving. 

We called last night. We laughed about how down the line we might have feelings for eachother still, or maybe she would miss me and i would have already moved on, and the timing would be off. Whatever it may be, we were talking about that and it gave me hope which I should let go of. It was a light hearted convseration. It was painful when I realized that it may be the last one. She seemed to be much stronger than I was when talking. We were both very calm because we knew it was over. I need to tell myself that its over so I dont keep hanging on forever.

She told me that she could not imagine herself dating anyone else , but she knows she doesnt want to date me. I know this is the case because its early and I dont want to be fooled by thinking she is going to call me crying that she made a mistake and is on her way to me right now. Realistically, she moved on before I did. She is also at a stage of grieving and she too will get over this probably more quickly than I will because I was invested much longer. 

I guess what i'm trying to convey is I just cant see myself without this person. They were such a source of happiness to be and I feel so empty that they are gone. I know I should be working on creating happiness for myself, so I am more suited to be in a relationship but man it hurts.

Does anyone have advice as far as getting over this? I have thought about therapy, and currently are talking with friends, family, and trying to distract myself as best I can. I just having a hard time trying to see why she wasnt worth it in the long run because I cleary had a moment of realization when I initially cut ties 2 days ago.