Can't seem to make things right..

[Blackwaterlily]

I've been going through a really tough time for a while... I'm about 6 hours away from home staying with my sister and I've been here for months. This is a result of my relationship with my ex if you've read my past posts.

A lot has happened since that situation, but for times sake I'll try to keep this on the topic I'm talking about. But maybe I will make another post concerning those things.

 Ever since that occurrence I've been staying with my sister and her family. I am 22 just for reference. 

Since I've been up here I started going from feeling okay to just wanting to go home. But I'm not allowed to. My mother wants me to be more independent yet she won't allow me to make the decisions I want to. She doesn't like the idea of me applying for my old job. She wants me to prove to her that I am better and then we can talk about me returning home.

I understand that I needed time away but now it's starting to make me feel controlled. She disconnected my phone for a while to try to stop me from talking to my ex but to tell you the truth it didn't do anything except create and inconvenience for me when ever I have to talk to my therapist (we have phone call sessions).

I understand that my family wants to protect me, I'm also scared of making more mistakes. I can only hope that they'll still continue to be there for me if anything happens. But I don't like being told I won't survive by myself, that I'm lazy, that I act like a kid, etc. At this point I'm thinking that I'm the problem, like there's something wrong with me. And I feel like I was only born to experience bad occurrences just to amuse whatever powerful entity is in the universe. This whole thing is starting make me believe that I won't do good living by myself and I'm way to dependent on my mom or family.

 

I don't know what to do, and my paragraphs might seem a bit incoherent because I'm just word vomiting at this point. 

I just don't know how to prove myself to my mother. What else should I do to make em see. My mental started to decline because of this and it's ironic because the reason why I'm up here was supposed to be so I could calm down. But it's been getting stretched out longer than I wanted but my mouth is sewn shut metaphorically speaking.

[Rose Mosse]

You will have to make your own big decisions on your own eventually. What kind of job or plan is your mother proposing? Does she want you to go back to school? 

Sometimes listening and explaining what matters to you to your loved ones is all it takes. Be calm about it and choose the right time.

[SooSad33]

29 minutes ago, Blackwaterlily said:

But I'm not allowed to. My mother wants me to be more independent yet she won't allow me to make the decisions I want to. She doesn't like the idea of me applying for my old job. She wants me to prove to her that I am better and then we can talk about me returning home.

I understand that I needed time away but now it's starting to make me feel controlled. She disconnected my phone for a while to try to stop me from talking to my ex

Okay, good you are dealing with a therapist.  I guess you are doing this for good reason.

In ways, because you are 'an adult', I don't see why your mom is treating you like a child?

You have your own choices to make in your own life....

So you want to go 'home' which is back to their place? Why is that?  You don't like it at your sisters?

In ways, I can see how your mom is looking out for your best interest, but eventually yeah, this needs to settle down some.

At 22 my parents would not have my phone.. yes, I had issue's after a BU, but it was all in my own control.

* How long has it been since your BU - 6 mos?

* Why would you reach out to your ex ( which mom thinks is wrong - was he abusive?).

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Blackwaterlily said:

  I'm way to dependent on my mom or family

Were you living with your mother or the abusive BF before you moved to live with your sister?

Unfortunately at 22 y/o your mother does not have to support you or pay for your phone. Or support you staying with an abuser who you get into physical fights with.

Do you work? Go to school? 

Given your history of raging and violence, you need to get help from a real live in person physician, not zoom talk therapy.

If you do not want to live with family or be in abusive relationships where you assault your BF, you'll have to go to social services and get help with housing, career training, food assistance and appropriate medical and mental health care.

While a discussion forum is good for venting, it's not a substitute for medical care and licenced qualified mental health treatment.

 

[Pleasedonot5]

OP, if I were you, I would not be trying to go back to my family if they were actively trying to control me. Heck no.

Find a job. If that's your old job, fine. Who cares if your mother does not want you to do it. You are an adult, in your twenties, living away from your parents. After you find a job, make enough money to buy your own phone plan and support yourself. If your mother doesn't pay for your phone plan (and etc.), she can't switch it off on you on a whim.

Speaking of your mother, it is cruel that she demands you prove yourself, but simultaneously she helicopters and restricts your independence. Like I said above, the solution is to break the hold over you. That requires financial independence and you making your own way. 

Your paragraphs were clear and coherent. I hope the path forward (independence) becomes just as clear to you. 

[Blackwaterlily]

11 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You will have to make your own big decisions on your own eventually. What kind of job or plan is your mother proposing? Does she want you to go back to school? 

Sometimes listening and explaining what matters to you to your loved ones is all it takes. Be calm about it and choose the right time.

She wants me to either get a job here where I'm temporarily staying at or school. I am already registered to take online classes at my current college however.

I see what you are saying, and in some cases it is true but for me, we've talked a lot about these issues and as time went by it caused more harm than good. At this point I am not sure when the right time would be.

[LaHermes]

7 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

it is cruel that she demands you prove yourself, but simultaneously she helicopters and restricts your independence. Like I said above, the solution is to break the hold over you. That requires financial independence and you making your own way. 

Best advice OP. You can do it. 

[Blackwaterlily]

7 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

OP, if I were you, I would not be trying to go back to my family if they were actively trying to control me. Heck no.

Find a job. If that's your old job, fine. Who cares if your mother does not want you to do it. You are an adult, in your twenties, living away from your parents. After you find a job, make enough money to buy your own phone plan and support yourself. If your mother doesn't pay for your phone plan (and etc.), she can't switch it off on you on a whim.

Speaking of your mother, it is cruel that she demands you prove yourself, but simultaneously she helicopters and restricts your independence. Like I said above, the solution is to break the hold over you. That requires financial independence and you making your own way. 

Your paragraphs were clear and coherent. I hope the path forward (independence) becomes just as clear to you. 

Wherever I go it seems to do me harm, I want to go back just to feel some sort of semblance of my normal life. But I do not plan to stay there forever. I have family here, and family back home. My mother is planning to move out anyway, and I will eventually have to make big decisions. I remember having the option to move with her, but now I do not I will.

I loved my old job, I was so sad to have to resign due to issues. They have expressed they enjoyed me as their employee too. The only reason why she doesn't want me to is because I'm "comfortable" and should try new things which is not completely wrong. She says there is no guarantee that I will get the job back, and again she is right. Especially if they have enough hires. But I still want to try.

I have been told I won't survive by myself, that I'm lazy, and all of these things that I have grown to believe. It scares me when i think about being on my own but it has to happen at some point.

My mother is doing what she thinks is right. Which I don't blame her for, but she again fails to see the harm. She wants me to grow up, but how can I? Thank you for your reply

[Rose Mosse]

Then have a clear plan for yourself now for school and employment.

If your old job offers stability it also offers you free time and minimal stress to pursue your online courses. It’s up to you how you use that time and energy productively, wisely. 

 

 

[LaHermes]

11 minutes ago, Blackwaterlily said:

I have been told I won't survive by myself, that I'm lazy, and all of these things that I have grown to believe.

There is nothing "right" about telling someone that!  Of course you will survive.  Just like everyone else does.

[Blackwaterlily]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were you living with your mother or the abusive BF before you moved to live with your sister?

Unfortunately at 22 y/o your mother does not have to support you or pay for your phone. Or support you staying with an abuser who you get into physical fights with.

Do you work? Go to school? 

Given your history of raging and violence, you need to get help from a real live in person physician, not zoom talk therapy.

If you do not want to live with family or be in abusive relationships where you assault your BF, you'll have to go to social services and get help with housing, career training, food assistance and appropriate medical and mental health care.

While a discussion forum is good for venting, it's not a substitute for medical care and licenced qualified mental health treatment.

 

Yes you are right in some of the things you've said. Due to the pandemic most places are not open to the public, and there is also the issue of which one can take my insurance. I speak with a psychotherapist on the phone once a week or every two weeks and I have also gotten an evaluation by a psychiatrist and have been put on medication.

To answer your first question I have been living with my mother up until recently. 

I know she doesn't have to support me or pay, and I am grateful that she does sometimes. I had to resign from my job, but i am registered for classes that start tomorrow.

A lot has happened since the break up and I recognize you as one of the people that have responded. As such a lot has happened between me and my ex. In terms of being "abusive" I have done work since then. I know myself and that is not who I am. We don't get into physical fights at all, and have not until I slapped him. But I recognize it does magically make things better.

[Pleasedonot5]

1 hour ago, Blackwaterlily said:

Wherever I go it seems to do me harm, I want to go back just to feel some sort of semblance of my normal life. But I do not plan to stay there forever. I have family here, and family back home. My mother is planning to move out anyway, and I will eventually have to make big decisions. I remember having the option to move with her, but now I do not I will.

I loved my old job, I was so sad to have to resign due to issues. They have expressed they enjoyed me as their employee too. The only reason why she doesn't want me to is because I'm "comfortable" and should try new things which is not completely wrong. She says there is no guarantee that I will get the job back, and again she is right. Especially if they have enough hires. But I still want to try.

I have been told I won't survive by myself, that I'm lazy, and all of these things that I have grown to believe. It scares me when i think about being on my own but it has to happen at some point.

My mother is doing what she thinks is right. Which I don't blame her for, but she again fails to see the harm. She wants me to grow up, but how can I? Thank you for your reply

Thank you for your reply. 

I understand you want your life back (living at home, etc.), but it sounds like mom will not let that happen. 

I am sorry she insulted you in the ways she did. Given that she wants you to make your own way but then telling you you will not survive on your own and cancelling your phone plan, it is like she pushed you out of the nest with a bungee cord attached. 

You list her reasoning here, but her reasons do not really matter, do they? You are your own person: your own adult. Do you want the job back? Do you think there is a solid chance the employer would hire you? If so, go for it. The worst that happens is that they do not hire you: the status quo.

You asked about how you can grow up? Well, easier said than done, but (1) refrain from putting so much stake into what mom says; yes a parent's harsh words will hurt, but I mean that you do not need to obey her commands anymore, (2) find a job and make some real money, and (3) use that money to support yourself (your own phone plan; eventually, your own place). 

[DarkCh0c0]

I'm sorry. Your mom telling you basically she doesn't believe in you or love you unless xyz is sad and toxic.

Perhaps, it's better to stop clinging to her and best to find a room in a flat-sharing asap.

If you want that old job, go back and get it. I know so many employers who'd be happy to have their former employees back. You'd hit the ground running and that will be one part of your life that is stable.

Listen to you, your healthy supportive voice- not the inner critic your mom has transferred to you. Trust yourself and things will fall in place with time.

[Blackwaterlily]

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'm sorry. Your mom telling you basically she doesn't believe in you or love you unless xyz is sad and toxic.

Perhaps, it's better to stop clinging to her and best to find a room in a flat-sharing asap.

If you want that old job, go back and get it. I know so many employers who'd be happy to have their former employees back. You'd hit the ground running and that will be one part of your life that is stable.

Listen to you, your healthy supportive voice- not the inner critic your mom has transferred to you. Trust yourself and things will fall in place with time.

Thank you for your reply. Our relationship has struggled a lot ever since I can remember, my two sisters and I suffered through our parents divorce. Since I am the youngest and therefore the last one to leave the nest I still feel like I'm being controlled in what I do. As I've said I've grown way too dependent and I don't know any other life. There are things I want to do that I'm scared of all because of what she will think or my family will think.

It's exhausting to even think about let alone type. I will try to follow your advice kind stranger, I just hope I am strong enough.

[Blackwaterlily]

18 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, good you are dealing with a therapist.  I guess you are doing this for good reason.

In ways, because you are 'an adult', I don't see why your mom is treating you like a child?

You have your own choices to make in your own life....

So you want to go 'home' which is back to their place? Why is that?  You don't like it at your sisters?

In ways, I can see how your mom is looking out for your best interest, but eventually yeah, this needs to settle down some.

At 22 my parents would not have my phone.. yes, I had issue's after a BU, but it was all in my own control.

* How long has it been since your BU - 6 mos?

* Why would you reach out to your ex ( which mom thinks is wrong - was he abusive?).

 

I have been told I act like a child therefore they treat me like one. At this point I am not sure, maybe I do and I just don't see it. 

I want to go home because in some sort possible "fantasy" maybe I want to try to go back to normal life. It is not that I don't enjoy being here, more of the fact that I am "forced' to be here until I prove myself mentally better.

I agree, she is only looking out for my best Interests but sometimes her ways are harmful, mentally and sometimes physically. My break up was in February, I understand how parents or guardians are, they take your side and tell you never to go back or tell you a bad experience they've had when they choose to go back. 

He was not abusive, especially not physically. We started to have communication issues and eventually found him with porn and certain pics on his phone and websites such as cam girls. Plus a few other details that I just want to leave behind. The issue at hand is since I am far away, he doesn't want to make any huge decisions concerning we get back together or not.

And he is understandably wary of my family. They have become too involved in this and it is partially my fault, and as such I ended up here.

[DarkCh0c0]

Okay. You forget about that ex (he's horrible to you! Good job on leaving him), and you start making a plan.

I'm sure you can make it with time and effort. I come from a similar background, and my sister is also the youngest of both of us and she is more dependent than me. But I always tell her "if you want it, you can get it".

Perhaps, staying at parent's place brings comfort, less stress, and less worries about adult life. But at some point, it has to end. You choose how, however.

In your case though, your mom needs to be supportive. You tell her that you're staying at the "family" house until you will successfully get back up. And say it with confidence.

I also suggest you read about "inner critical voice" online. Those who grow up with toxic parents tend to have that voice that makes us believe we aren't worthy of love/good things in life and that we aren't going to "make it". But good news is, with some work, that voice can fade away and your courageous voice and character will rise. Head held high. You can do it @Blackwaterlily

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Blackwaterlily said:

I have been told I act like a child therefore they treat me like one. At this point I am not sure, maybe I do and I just don't see it. 

I want to go home because in some sort possible "fantasy" maybe I want to try to go back to normal life. It is not that I don't enjoy being here, more of the fact that I am "forced' to be here until I prove myself mentally better.

I agree, she is only looking out for my best Interests but sometimes her ways are harmful, mentally and sometimes physically. My break up was in February, I understand how parents or guardians are, they take your side and tell you never to go back or tell you a bad experience they've had when they choose to go back. 

He was not abusive, especially not physically. We started to have communication issues and eventually found him with porn and certain pics on his phone and websites such as cam girls. Plus a few other details that I just want to leave behind. The issue at hand is since I am far away, he doesn't want to make any huge decisions concerning we get back together or not.

And he is understandably wary of my family. They have become too involved in this and it is partially my fault, and as such I ended up here.

When you get back on your feet let it not be for a partner but every bit and part for yourself. Stay focused and work on that plan. You’ll have it for yourself and no one can take that from you, your resiliency. Be strong. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Blackwaterlily said:

 I don't enjoy being here, more of the fact that I am "forced' to be here until I prove myself mentally better.

Unfortunately you use a lot of hyperbole indicating you're a victim.

However you physically assaulted your BF, your mother seems afraid of your raging and anger.

It sounds like you were given the option and hospitality to live with family. 

Frankly no one owes you anything. Housing, phones,etc. and you come across as quite spoiled and ungrateful.

The same way you went ballistic because your BF watched porn and you smacked him "only once", according to you.

It's good you are under psychiatric care and working on getting a job and schooling.

Focus on that not what everyone else "owes" you and how "unfair" everyone is.