Should I continue engaging with this "friend"

[Rose Mosse]

11 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

So, after my message yesterday, I ended up blocking her because I personally didn't want to deal with her anymore. Since I had already removed her from my WhatsApp contacts after she ignored me in public and had removed my "last online" visibility months prior, there was pretty much no way she'd know I blocked her. The only give away would be the one check on WhatsApp if she responded (one check could be due to your phone being off or out of range etc as we all know). 

Anyways, fast forward, she went ahead and removed me from her LinkedIn contacts first thing this morning. I didn't even think about removing her from my contacts because I personally do not care. She wasted no time when for what we know, the non-delivery could be to my phone being turned off.

Next time, she should think twice about ignoring someone in public after they politely helped her out and the suddenly reappear like a flower asking for "advice" after utter disrespect. It doesn't work like that. That's how little minded she is. She clearly is not conscious of her actions. I bet she has no clue why I suddenly went cold, but then again, I think my response was polite enough, not confrontational.

I have to say, she really negatively impacted my week, but who cares. She might even bad-mouth me to common "friends" and say I let her down at a moment where she needed advice the most, but again, if she cared about me, she would have contacted me at times other than when she needed something. Those common "friends" we had already warned me about her and they were right. 

Don't worry about that type of behaviour from someone else - it usually buries them into their own hole. Go about your days and enjoy what life has to offer you. I'm very sure she was aware of all her actions and their effect on others. She just didn't care. Move forwards. 

[RuedeRivoli]

I agree, she definitely dug and buried herself in her own hole. 

In all fairness, every since this "fallout" happened on Friday, I've been feeling like a dead weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The anxiety and annoyance I felt when she started texting me at 7am after ignoring me is now gone. 

I believe the reason why I found it "difficult" to cut her off was because she's insecure and portrays herself as this fragile person, so I felt sorry for her. The issue is that people like her are often not as naïve as they portray themselves to be. She definitely took advance of my "niceness" and the fact that I allowed her to just talk about herself all the time. This is not friendship though. I agree, friends are people you can have fun and laugh with as well as be open enough to talk about anything. If somebody only approaches you with the same specific topic/complaint every single time they talk to you, then you should question the nature of this dynamic. 

I'm not often used to being direct or saying "no" to people, at least not anymore. I've become far less assertive with people in the last few years out of fear of confrontation or hurting them. The truth is, when someone disrespects you or sees you as a mean to an end, they already don't care about your feelings, so why should you care about theirs? I need to learn to stop feeling guilty when I tell or cut someone off for genuine reasons. I have this tendency to be assertive then feel guilty about it and apologize. I literally apologize for anything and everything. It wasn't until a few weeks ago when I asked myself why do I even keep apologizing? When you always apologize for no apparent reason, people like this girl see it as a weakness and pounce. 

As harsh as it may sound, it felt good that I for once took a more assertive approach in my relationships to say no say I can't help you. It's a stepping stone for me. I normally just ghost or keep giving people chances because when I act assertive, I always feel guilty afterwards. I didn't this time around though because my mind was made up weeks ago and I just needed the push to call it quits. 

I agree on the fact that my thought pattern is highly codependent. I want people to like me because of the way I was brought up. Because I didn't get the "love" every child deserved, I was trying to surround myself with just anyone who seemed somehow decent even if they showed little interest in me, like this girl. However, it is far best to enjoy your peace alone than have parasites like her who project their stress and problems upon you. Of course, if this were a genuine friend, I'd 100% be willing to help, but if the relationship is one sided, it will always be the same. 

Genuine friends are hard to find but I strongly believe the good ones somehow appear once you've cleared all the toxic and rotten ones from your basket. If you keep the toxic/rotten ones around, you'll only attract flies. 

It somehow felt liberating to take control and end this "acquaintanceship". I know now I can put my foot down when necessary. I sincerely appreciate everyone's input as this is what gave me the courage to actually action this. I probably would have gone down the same circles had I not asked for your advice. 

[LaHermes]

4 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Genuine friends are hard to find but I strongly believe the good ones somehow appear once you've cleared all the toxic and rotten ones from your basket

No. Rivoli, Genuine friends are to be found, and by that I mean sound, stable and independent people, once YOU give off the right vibes, once you are in the right place yourself.  There should be no rotten or toxic ones in that basket in the first instance. 

[RuedeRivoli]

Hi all, 

An update on this topic:

After she and I stopped talking, she was approached by an internal recruiter at my firm who had kept my reference and her CV on file and she is now moving into a role at my company with a higher title than mine (good for her, but I have more experience than her) and of course, I'm not getting a referral incentive because it's not the role I had originally provided my reference for.

As a result, I got disrespected by this opportunistic person and she now got a role nonetheless and I'm not getting any appreciation or incentive for putting her in touch with the recruitment team.

I have to say, as bad as this sounds, I'm definitely annoyed at this. It's not about the money, but it's about the fact that I helped someone out and was definitely instrumental to her getting this job yet I'm the one left in the dust. 

[Kwothe28]

34 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

As a result, I got disrespected by this opportunistic person and she now got a role nonetheless and I'm not getting any appreciation or incentive for putting her in touch with the recruitment team.

 

I read something today that might reflect on your situation: "Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude."

Meaning that you expect too much from people. Especially from opportunistic ones that will discard you as soon as they get what they want. Even if you helped her for the new position you would still not get appreciation you want. You have to be able to "read" people like that on a whim. With opportunistic people like that, "scratch my hand so I would scratch yours later" wouldnt work. Meaning that you would still get disrespected even if your referal was there. Meaning that you shouldnt help in the first place.

Also, dont be "salty" about it. As much as opportunistic she was, she got herself out there and did everything she can to get that place. You did nothing to maybe get yourself that place even though by your words you have more experience from her. Take it as an incentive to maybe be more "proactive" if you want promotion or moving to different company for better position. 

[Batya33]

I’d not let myself indulge in how you got her the job. It’s a bad mindset and could bleed over into other interactions you have. 

[RuedeRivoli]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I read something today that might reflect on your situation: "Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude."

Meaning that you expect too much from people. Especially from opportunistic ones that will discard you as soon as they get what they want. Even if you helped her for the new position you would still not get appreciation you want. You have to be able to "read" people like that on a whim. With opportunistic people like that, "scratch my hand so I would scratch yours later" wouldnt work. Meaning that you would still get disrespected even if your referal was there. Meaning that you shouldnt help in the first place.

Also, dont be "salty" about it. As much as opportunistic she was, she got herself out there and did everything she can to get that place. You did nothing to maybe get yourself that place even though by your words you have more experience from her. Take it as an incentive to maybe be more "proactive" if you want promotion or moving to different company for better position. 

I was with you until the last paragraph. You're making an assumption, which happens to be incorrect. Saying I did "nothing" is not correct at all. After all, I never specifically outlined how I managed my career. 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

I was with you until the last paragraph. You're making an assumption, which happens to be incorrect. Saying I did "nothing" is not correct at all. After all, I never specifically outlined how I managed my career. 

Hey, dont be rude you ravioli. (sorry, its too good username pun not to use lol)

Also its just a suggestion to focus on something else, not on some insignificant person.

[RuedeRivoli]

47 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Hey, dont be rude you ravioli. (sorry, its too good username pun not to use lol)

Also its just a suggestion to focus on something else, not on some insignificant person.

I wasn't being rude. I was simply answering your sentence which I found rude: "You did nothing to maybe get yourself that place even though by your words you have more experience from her."