LDR. Met in a game during shutdown.

[RiverDust]

Hello friends, 

This is more of a vent then anything. It's been years since I've posted anything. 

for background me 44 her 41, So the Shut down happens. So what else is there to do, play video games and some of my favorites has some IRL friends that I reconnected with after a while. I have been single by choice for 4 years, I didn't want to deal with the BS of relationships and was perfectly ok with being alone. In the Gaming world, a 15 year friend tried playing match maker, I wasn't very happy about it but she introduced me to a person. And she was completely amazing, we hit it off from day one. It might seem silly but we got to know each other very well in a very short time online, playing our game and talking in discord. Her situation wasn't ideal at all, she just got out of a 14 year relationship and her ex boy still lived in the house. They haven't had sex in over 2 years because she was mentally done with their relationship right before the shut down. She mainly paid for everything over the years, and all of it got to her that she felt she needed more. 

Again we kick it off, and after a short time of talking she hints several times that  she needs a vacation, so I say **** it, lets go. Over this time we add each other to all of our social media and well, she tells her friend that introduced us that I am perfect, her at that time wasn't really physically  what I was into but her personality was amazing, so why not. 

Long story short, we met up for 5 days and it was  completely amazing, we had so much fun, my things about her looks were completely on the side lines because we had such an amazing time together, she really made me feel she was ready even though she said she wasn't because of her situation. 

We went back to our homes. Her ex of course being at hers, and she freaked out on me a bit. saying that she has way too much feelings for me and she doesn't know how to handle them because I am far away. I tell her just to take it a day at a time, that comforted her. Then she planned our next trip. 

in the time in between, she seemed completely into me, always texting me when she woke up. sending me really sweet pictures of her smelling my mask that I sprayed my cologne on before we parted last time we met. Constantly telling me she has so many feelings foe me.

The week before we went to out next vacation together, she seemed to start to put some space between us, We played the game we played like 12 hours a day when we could, talked in comms etc. The week before she started getting a lot of attention from a lot of other players. I expressed I was starting to get jealous and she tried to reassure me it was all nothing. But when she starts playing with a certain person for 15 hours a day instead of me.... What am I supposed to think?

I had a bad feeling. 

So we meet up on our next Vacation,   the first two days were awesome except... She was on her phone the entire time. ok cool no problem except I just flew 1,300 miles to hang out with some one you might think they would spend a little bit more time with me instead of the other online gamers and her ex.

So after 2 days she says, *** am I going to do? I have so much feelings for you? I was kind of pissed when she said that (granted we were both drunk) I said well instead of texting your ex and everyone we play with you could actually spend some time with me. She saying I was being aggressive and mean. 

At that point, I said listen. There is a saying, "never let your past *** your future, and to me it looks like you are doing that, are you?" She said yes I am. I was like WHAT?... Then I took a step back, I tried to rationalize things, and she told me I was manipulating the situation.  at that point I was like ok.. 

I woke up the next day thinking she was either intentionally or unintentionally trying to sabotage our connection because she is scared or a long distance relationship. She flirted with everyone under the sun in front of me and claimed it was just her personality. 

 

90% of our trip was really really amazing. the 10% of fighting though not so much. I am not a jealous person, however I feel like she did a lot to justify not being with some one in another state even though I clearly said I would move. 

We get back home, and it was a slow decay. I just left the game we played together cause I am so stressed with work, I don't need to be stressed in a game I try to do for fun, and I was kind of big deal in this game, I have heard no word from her at all. So NC it is. weird situation. 

[MissCanuck]

An online woman who lives far away and lives with her ex?

This was never a good relationship prospect, OP. You two don't know each other well. Gaming all day and spending a couple holidays together is not sufficient to truly know the other person, but what you do know about her is covered in red flags. 

Offering to move to faciliate this relationship was very premature, given how little time you have spent together in person. Vacations are nearly always amazing, but they are not real life, as you know - thus are not a good indicator of how well you would have gelled (or not) in the humdrums of the daily grind. 

Anyway, it sounds like she did the dirty work for you. And it's for the best. She seems messy with a lot of unfinished business with her ex. It does not sound like that relationship is truly over and you were unwise to try to pursue a woman who was not fully and 100% out of her former relationship and the home they shared. Don't get mixed up with such toxicity in the future. 

[RiverDust]

You are completely right, I was foolish to fall for someone like this. Again, I wasn't looking for advice. I was just venting. 

 

 

[RiverDust]

And I wasn't expecting an emotional attachment.  *** Happens. Christ if I want a relationship I can have one, I just didn't want to for 4 years, I let someone in and well shame on me. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Think of it as a vacation fling.

In- person often doesn't match whatever online persona was crafted and filled in with imagination.

Good it inspired you to reflect on getting too caught up in cyber-relationships

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, RiverDust said:

And I wasn't expecting an emotional attachment.  *** Happens. Christ if I want a relationship I can have one, I just didn't want to for 4 years, I let someone in and well shame on me. 

Where you went wrong here was getting emotionally attached to someone with red flags waving all over her from the start. It's not about letting someone in. It's about identifying poor relationship candidates and staying away from them. It's about having better standards for the women you allow in your life. 

Most men would have nothing to do with a woman who's still living with her ex. You need to explore why you did. 

[Rose Mosse]

Who was this 15 year old friend playing matchmaker? I think it set up a false sense of trust around this person and the game you had in common with her was enough to encourage you both on a fantasy romance online. Good of you for leaving that game altogether and spending more time on your real life concerns and work.

Treat this as a learning experience and move forward.

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, RiverDust said:

I feel like she did a lot to justify not being with some one in another state even though I clearly said I would move. 

Seriously?  Whoaa... slow this idea down, totally!

YOU were jumping the gun on someone you hardly know 'for real'.

 

8 hours ago, RiverDust said:

Her situation wasn't ideal at all, she just got out of a 14 year relationship and her ex boy still lived in the house. They haven't had sex in over 2 years because she was mentally done with their relationship right before the shut down.

Yeah, she was in a Long term relation & still living with him.  How good is that?  😕 .

 

She was looking elsewhere for 'some fun'... she found it.. for a little while.

BUT, does not mean she is in the right 'frame of mind' to be involved, again.

If someone is in a 'rebound', whatever you've got ends as fast as it begins.  THEY are far from ready.

Sadly, yeah, she kinda led you on.  Had some fun, but realised she 'can't do it'.

So, you accept what is.  You walk away and respectfully leave her be.

See it as HER needing some down time with a decent guy & that's what she got!

But, there's really too many challenges re: this ever being successful, she knew it.

Chin up!  Let it be an experience.