Trying not to feel lonely

[junebug123]

I started this job which I had been working towards for the past two years. To be honest it’s sort of a dream for me, but also it’s a lot of pressure and it’s the most I’ve ever made my entire life.

Right now, I’m sort of just studying a lot because I’m going to be working on this really big software project and I’m exhausted like everyday. After work, I just try to exercise as much as I can so I can fall asleep because I have really bad insomnia and I sit down all day.

When I got my first programming job, I told myself I would start dating more and meet people, but I was just tired all the time and on the weekends I didn’t want to stress myself more. I wanted time to decompress and sometimes at night I stay up more because I feel like I don’t have enough time to myself.

I keep lying to myself saying I will change when I get this job, but just like before I just put money in the bank and don’t think about it. Ultimately, I haven’t resolved a lot of the issues I have. Once I get health insurance I will start going to therapy so hopefully soon. The times when I fall asleep on time, my body wakes me up in 3-4 hours and then I stay awake another hour and then I fall asleep but I wake up feeling so tired.

I finally realized that at the root of my problem is being entangled with other people’s identities, and not being able to have a strong sense of self. I always value others before me, and consistently put their needs before mine. It’s no wonder that I can’t stand to be in a relationship because, I have no idea of how to balance my energy and I get way too invested early on and it drains me.

I’ve been keeping a journal and recently I’ve been reading a lot of my old journals. I was depressed to find out that I keep repeating the same patterns over and over without realizing it. Falling in love with girls and being heartbroken, and jumping from relationship to relationship always blaming my partner and never taking responsibility for my own behavior in the relationship.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t feel so lonely at night, but it’s such a long and chronic distress pattern. I keep believing that I can eventually overcome these feelings, but even talking to my friend and sharing my thoughts with him today, he’s surprised at how defeatist I can be and obsessive when it comes to women. I wish I had his attitude, but he has an abundance mindset and he’s so easy going and so invested in so many social situations.

I envy his ability to adapt, I wish I could develop those skills without putting in the time or effort. I have intelligence, health, and work ethic; but I am lacking in every other aspect of my life. Sometimes I feel like it’s not even worth it to be successful if I have to be so miserable all the time.

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this.

It sounds like therapy would do you good. It can be really difficult to break the patterns we've built over the years. That especially includes negative self-talk. 

The good news is that you seem introspective, aware of the patterns, and ready to make productive changes. When does the health insurance become active?

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

I started this job which I had been working towards for the past two years. To be honest it’s sort of a dream for me, but also it’s a lot of pressure and it’s the most I’ve ever made my entire life.

Right now, I’m sort of just studying a lot because I’m going to be working on this really big software project and I’m exhausted like everyday. After work, I just try to exercise as much as I can so I can fall asleep because I have really bad insomnia and I sit down all day.

When I got my first programming job, I told myself I would start dating more and meet people, but I was just tired all the time and on the weekends I didn’t want to stress myself more. I wanted time to decompress and sometimes at night I stay up more because I feel like I don’t have enough time to myself.

I keep lying to myself saying I will change when I get this job, but just like before I just put money in the bank and don’t think about it. Ultimately, I haven’t resolved a lot of the issues I have. Once I get health insurance I will start going to therapy so hopefully soon. The times when I fall asleep on time, my body wakes me up in 3-4 hours and then I stay awake another hour and then I fall asleep but I wake up feeling so tired.

I finally realized that at the root of my problem is being entangled with other people’s identities, and not being able to have a strong sense of self. I always value others before me, and consistently put their needs before mine. It’s no wonder that I can’t stand to be in a relationship because, I have no idea of how to balance my energy and I get way too invested early on and it drains me.

I’ve been keeping a journal and recently I’ve been reading a lot of my old journals. I was depressed to find out that I keep repeating the same patterns over and over without realizing it. Falling in love with girls and being heartbroken, and jumping from relationship to relationship always blaming my partner and never taking responsibility for my own behavior in the relationship.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t feel so lonely at night, but it’s such a long and chronic distress pattern. I keep believing that I can eventually overcome these feelings, but even talking to my friend and sharing my thoughts with him today, he’s surprised at how defeatist I can be and obsessive when it comes to women. I wish I had his attitude, but he has an abundance mindset and he’s so easy going and so invested in so many social situations.

I envy his ability to adapt, I wish I could develop those skills without putting in the time or effort. I have intelligence, health, and work ethic; but I am lacking in every other aspect of my life. Sometimes I feel like it’s not even worth it to be successful if I have to be so miserable all the time.

Give yourself a year at least to acclimatize fully to a new position. It may take a year or two more before you really understand the work. Feeling exhausted at a new workplace or with a new employer is normal. You do need adequate sleep so start changing the way you unwind and relax, figure out a new routine before bed or start to wind down 3-4 hours earlier. If it means cutting out a few other things like watching tv or going out with friends, do it anyway. It's a pain but that's the price you pay for accepting this new job. Once you are more settled you can loosen the reins a little. Designate one or two nights a week for going out or doing something extra to treat yourself after your hard work. Things will come together.

Regarding your personal relationships, now that you understand yourself a bit more you can disrupt those patterns or break those cycles, similar to how you break the habit of sleeping late. Change, change the habits and patterns of doing things. 

 

[BrieN]

I understand the feelings of exhaustion when it comes to a new job. I do think hard work pays off, but the tiredness is even more worth it if there are concrete goals for it. If you know you're working towards something, it makes that kind of sacrifice worth it, imo. Have you thought about which future goals you're working for? I've found that it can actually mix feeling tired with feelings of satisfaction because you're moving towards a particular finish line. 

 

When it comes to those relationship patterns. Now that you're aware of what your patterns are, do you know where they stem from? It's a good journaling exercise too. To write out what you think is at the root.

Another is: what can you do differently? Not just romantically but with friends, family, co-workers. Where can you say no? Why are you saying no? Can you quickly identify the type of people that drain you? Can you quickly identify (in the moment) when you're giving too much? What can you do to pace yourself and not get invested too quickly?

I'm in a similar boat and I've had to learn to say no when I'm busy and tired and let others down by not being too available. I've had to do this at work just recently and every time someone asks me to cross my own boundary, I just say no again. It's not easy, it's not done with super confidence but the repetition of that has helped because my co-workers and boss understood that I meant it and that I wouldn't budge on that issue. Practice makes perfect.

[Wiseman2]

Does your insurance cover medical care? That's a good place to start. Get an evaluation from a physician. Get a complete workup. Blood tests,etc.

Talk therapy, journals etc. are fine but it's not working and many of your symptoms are physical.

How many years do you plan on going in circles and thinking "if just this, if just that", before you admit you need medical intervention?

[BrieN]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Does your insurance cover medical care? That's a good place to start. Get an evaluation from a physician. Get a complete workup. Blood tests,etc.

Talk therapy, journals etc. are fine but it's not working and many of your symptoms are physical.

How many years do you plan on going in circles and thinking "if just this, if just that", before you admit you need medical intervention?

A lot of physical issues can also be due to mental and emotional issues. It's been shown that dealing with them or facing them can alleviate those physical issues. Psychosomatic, pretty much.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BrieN said:

It's been shown that dealing with them or facing them can alleviate those physical issues. Psychosomatic, pretty much.

It's not either or. It's And.

Seeing a physician And deal with the lifestyle issues as well as therapy. 

Many people do not have endless funds to self pay for therapy, and insurance typically covers little to none of it..

Even countless more have tried to soldier through medically treatable depression because of beliefs like this.

 

[BrieN]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not either or. It's And.

Seeing a physician And deal with the lifestyle issues as well as therapy. 

Many people do not have endless funds to self pay for therapy, and insurance typically covers little to none of it..

Even countless more have tried to soldier through medically treatable depression because of beliefs like this.

 

Do we know it's depression in this case?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, BrieN said:

Do we know it's depression in this case?

That's what seeing a physician is for. lol. To rule that in or out.

Anyway rather than debate, back to the OP, yes if you are still struggling with insomnia, and feeling chronically down and lethargic see a physician to evaluate all this and see what treatments are available.

[Batya33]

I think these days most employers are more accommodating about employees who need to take time off for medical reasons - no need to tell your employer about getting therapy but yes make appointments -even during a lunch hour or a less busy time of day -and GO.  I had the kind of job you are referring to for 15 years, from my late 20s to early 40s. I am so so thankful I did that crazy job- it was long hours, intense, stressful, unpredictable.  But I made time to date since I wanted to marry/have a child if possible and (duh) I married someone I originally met at work and I dated -almost exclusively -men who had similar lifestyles work-wise and also admired what I was doing and my ambition/work ethic.  You can do both. 

I'm not a fan of people who try to dissuade others from doing these crazy type jobs because yes it's totally ok if your life is very focused on your career/work right now, it's totally ok not to have the 9 to 5 40 hour work week/take all your vacation type "boundaries" certain people want. Let them -they should do what works for them - they likely won't "get" why in the world you'd take phone calls while on vacation (or in my case when I was home sick during my first trimester and tried my hand at a brand new work project), they should have the work-life balance they want. There's not one way to do this and if you're well compensated and/or there are prestigious networking opportunities that will help you later -do it. 

What I did for 15 years did involve a lot of stress, did cause some health issues plus sleep deprivation.  So did motherhood -and still does. 

Yes motherhood is "worth it" more but wow -the rewards from me doing what I did -financially, sense of self, knowledge, job related skills, ability to network, ability to have options to be home with my child for 7 years (both financially plus knowing it would be easier for me to reenter the work force later with all my contacts/ skills/resume) - wow.  

I hope you feel better and I'm sorry you feel lonely!! Definitely seek counseling, please.

[junebug123]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does your insurance cover medical care? That's a good place to start. Get an evaluation from a physician. Get a complete workup. Blood tests,etc.

Talk therapy, journals etc. are fine but it's not working and many of your symptoms are physical.

How many years do you plan on going in circles and thinking "if just this, if just that", before you admit you need medical intervention?

You are indeed a wiseman. I used to believe that my exhaustion stemmed from me being anemic. I know there are people from my fathers side that have sickle cell.

The truth is that in the past I’ve had blood work done and none of these things ever came back in any tests. Later on I realized that the exhaustion was more due to my lack of activity and unwillingness to go out and move my body.

Since I’ve started exercising more and eating healthier, I’ve noticed that I can recover faster when I’m tired. There was also the problem of my addiction to caffeine. Having a reclusive personality means that I’d rather stay inside a lot read books, or watch education/recreational videos. 

Times when I had to study would be unbearable because reading technical books can be very dry especially when most of them are 250-500 pages long. I would usually read 6 - 8 of those books a year. So drinking energy drinks or caffeine would make it fun, but it would ruin my adrenal gland and disrupt my sleeping patterns.

As another commenter said, I think it’s largely mental, waking up feeling like how I can make it through this day and having thoughts just makes me tired. On days when I am excited and looking forward, my energy levels are almost manic and it’s extremely hard for me to calm down.

Sometimes I think I have borderline with my mood shifts. Either way, I will get the blood work done. As another poster said I need to break my old habits. Thing is, the negative thoughts usually flood me at night time.

I was neglected a lot as a child to a single mother who worked and went to college. So even in my dreams beautiful women reject me. In real life, I reject myself most often not realizing that I am capable of being loved. I often delude myself into thinking she just using me for attention/money there’s no way she could really be attracted to a disgusting creature such as myself.

I place too much value on looks, never realizing it was my personality pushing people away the entire time. Also, I realize I need to set goals. I need something to look forward too, I guess your right give myself some time to get acclimated and eventually I can start to be more proactive.

If I am getting tired and staying up late it is also because my brain is being engaged a lot, and transitioning from reading documentation and watching videos on programming all day, to doing relatively nothing afterwards is difficult. I think I am just addicted to stimulation and attempts at cutting back have always faired well.

When I stop engaging in instant gratification, my mood is boosted and I am often happier. But my only coping mechanism for dealing with depression is these types of things. So the feelings just come and I can fight them off for a few days at a time doing puzzles or going for walks. 

Yet, it’s a chronic distress and eventually the negative thoughts become so overbearing that I cannot bear to keep doing puzzles or journaling. It’s so sad, because I know what I need to do, but overcoming the neglect just makes me feel lonely, and if I just get stuck in this loop of feeling lonely and bored all the time...

[SooSad33]

Yes, good you're considering therapy.... to work on these issue's.

We NEED to learn self care.. and stressors can add up 😕 .. we burn out, etc.

Maybe try different ways to try & get your sleep... melatonin or sleepy time tea?  Is also good, within last hour before bed to not be in front of a screen (PC). So your mind can settle a bit.

As for dating, don't go there.. not until you're more 'settled'... as you seem worked up for a few different reasons.

And as you mentioned yourself, it takes energy.  If you are stressed/ depressed etc, that can show.

Maybe your world just needs to slow down for you... especially if expectations are too high & you're always on demand re: your work.

If you can try & set aside at least an hour of 'down time' each day, can help.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Since I’ve started exercising more and eating healthier, I’ve noticed that I can recover faster when I’m tired. There was also the problem of my addiction to caffeine. Having a reclusive personality means that I’d rather stay inside a lot read books, or watch education/recreational videos. 

Yes but what you'd rather do isn't working for your loneliness.  Easier said than done but you have to get out of your comfort zone to reach your goals.  I had to and it's not easy.  But so very worth it.  Exercise is awesome for all of this -I've been working out regularly since 1982 and it makes a huge difference physically and mentally.  Keep it up!!

[Wiseman2]

Wean off caffeine gradually or you'll have side effects. It's significantly contributing to insomnia, agitation and all that.

Yes get blood tests and find out what's going on with all that.