Had an agreement with my ex to try again later.

[Grapefruitlady]

My most recent ex and I broke up and we wanted to see if things could work out in the future, after we both heal. We called this our agreement. I have my own personal trauma from being cheated on before dating my most recent ex, and it caused a lot of insecurities for me. Unfortunately, i became friends with a guy named G that was in my class after my break up with most recent ex. Coincidentally, gossipy guy is friends with one of my ex’s friends, S. S has always been super flirty with ex, but he never made a move for her, and they were friends long before I knew ex. The first thing G said to me when I met him for the first time was how much he heard about my relationship with ex from S, and how I was “super toxic”. I heard this and I was super upset, and so I texted my ex and ended the agreement of wanting to try again later. I was hurt because supposedly if S gossiped about me, then that meant ex talked poorly about me behind my back. But ex has never been the person to talk poorly about me ever even when he found it hard to support me through my bad mental health and vented to his friends about it. The only thing he said was that “it’s stressful for me to support her, and she must be going through a lot”. I think it’s a red flag that the first time I met G, he tells me gossip that other people said about me to me... so this surely means he gossips about me to others. I think S exaggerates because she likes my ex, and like I said earlier, S is super flirty with my ex. Is it ever worth texting my ex an apology for quickly assuming something I don’t even know if he said, and try to patch up the agreement? This has been hard to let go. I feel like my insecurities made me jump and end the agreement in order to protect myself, but I have no idea what fully went down, and now I think I’m overthinking what happened. 

On the other hand, I have completely and fully been putting myself through therapy, and I’ve been trying to be less defensive in general. I’ve taken up journaling my thoughts, and it has been helping me immensely. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Grapefruitlady said:

My most recent ex and I broke up and we wanted to see if things could work out in the future, after we both heal. We called this our agreement.

I have completely and fully been putting myself through therapy, and I’ve been trying to be less defensive in general. I’ve taken up journaling my thoughts, and it has been helping me immensely. 

Excellent. Continue doing whatever you need to do.

Don't put your life, yourself or your future on hold for an on/off relationship. That kind of limbo is damaging. Set yourself free to grow and change.

[Grapefruitlady]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Continue doing whatever you need to do.

Don't put your life, yourself or your future on hold for an on/off relationship. That kind of limbo is damaging. Set yourself free to grow and change.

Exactly. This is what I was thinking. But unfortunately, a part of me wants it to work. Would it be so bad for me to text my ex after I do some major healing to see where he is at? 

[Kpa]

No, but he might be in a different place from you and that is what you have to be careful about 

[Grapefruitlady]

39 minutes ago, Kpa said:

No, but he might be in a different place from you and that is what you have to be careful about 

You’re absolutely right. He may be. I don’t think there is a harm in texting him and seeing though? Given if he is in a different place, this means I must move on. I think this was a whole stupid thing caused by G because of how gossipy G is. I’m disappointed at myself for falling for it. 😞

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Grapefruitlady said:

that meant ex talked poorly about me behind my back. But ex has never been the person to talk poorly about me ever even when he found it hard to support me through my bad mental health and vented to his friends about it. The only thing he said was that “it’s stressful for me to support her, and she must be going through a lot”. I think it’s a red flag that the first time I met G, he tells me gossip that other people said about me to me... so this surely means he gossips about me to others. I think S exaggerates because she likes my ex, and like I said earlier, S is super flirty with my ex. Is it ever worth texting my ex an apology for quickly assuming something I don’t even know if he said, and try to patch up the agreement?

I say you do not reach out again and try to patch the agreement.

Leave it as is now.

You know you need to continue working on you.  You know you've got some time still to do this.  Then, remain there.

Yes, your ex may have been talking with friends.. people do this.

Yes, this experience may have very well affected your relationship and you know that.

So... I say you remain apart now.  No more expectations.

So you can both work on accepting & healing from this.

Whatever they choose to do or say - none of it is your business.

Let them do/say whatever they want.  How about you avoid ALL that's going on over there.

Don't play he said/she said .  That never goes well 😕 .

 

 

[Grapefruitlady]

9 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I say you do not reach out again and try to patch the agreement.

Leave it as is now.

You know you need to continue working on you.  You know you've got some time still to do this.  Then, remain there.

Yes, your ex may have been talking with friends.. people do this.

Yes, this experience may have very well affected your relationship and you know that.

So... I say you remain apart now.  No more expectations.

So you can both work on accepting & healing from this.

Whatever they choose to do or say - none of it is your business.

Let them do/say whatever they want.  How about you avoid ALL that's going on over there.

Don't play he said/she said .  That never goes well 😕 .

 

 

“Don’t play he said/she said” That’s so true. I’m so upset I already was so sensitive that I played that. 
 

IT IS absolutely non of my business in regards to what he says about me. I really don’t think it’s necessary for someone who I thought was a new friend to gossip so much. 
 

I really like ex though! I think we both really liked each other, but my insecurities definitely were a big deal to why we couldn’t work it out. I’m assuming you are telling me to never reach out again? 

Part of me still holds on though, the other part just wants to heal. 

[SooSad33]

13 minutes ago, Grapefruitlady said:

I really like ex though! I think we both really liked each other, but my insecurities definitely were a big deal to why we couldn’t work it out. I’m assuming you are telling me to never reach out again? 

Part of me still holds on though, the other part just wants to heal. 

Right.  Do not reach out.  Remain focused on YOU only.

16 minutes ago, Grapefruitlady said:

I say you do not reach out again and try to patch the agreement.

Leave it as is now.

 

You know what you need to work on - and you need to do this on your own, so you CAN improve.. not have issue's over & over.

And trying to have a relationship just causes more stress 😕 .

I get it... and you will be holding on for a while - as it's hard to just 'let go'.

But, in order to do this.. you don't contact them again.  Will do you no good.

 

[Tangentblack]

I understand your frustration, Graprefruitlady. I'm in a similar state of limbo and I can say it does get easier over time.

[Grapefruitlady]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Right.  Do not reach out.  Remain focused on YOU only.

 

You know what you need to work on - and you need to do this on your own, so you CAN improve.. not have issue's over & over.

And trying to have a relationship just causes more stress 😕 .

I get it... and you will be holding on for a while - as it's hard to just 'let go'.

But, in order to do this.. you don't contact them again.  Will do you no good.

 

What if I heal and I still want to reach out? Is reaching out really that bad of a thing? The least that happens is that he says no, and I just gotta move on. 😕

[Batya33]

I don't think this agreement is a healthy one -it's too vague, too open ended and tells me that even if you do try again your reaction -or his- to being in a challenging place will be to break up again to "heal" - but there are ups and downs and rocky/challenging times and healthy couples work on "healing" while they are still together.  If the healing requires separating that means it's a breakup and having a vague/limbo agreement is counterproductive.  In the future if he wants to be with you again he'll contact you.  If you want to be with him again I'd simply reach out in the future -not because of some agreement, because you want to be with him again.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Grapefruitlady said:

What if I heal and I still want to reach out? Is reaching out really that bad of a thing? The least that happens is that he says no, and I just gotta move on. 😕

Well, no, because if you reach out too soon it might create more distance, more disappointment, more negative stuff.  One of the reasons my husband and I successfully got back together after being serious in the past (but not married) was because he said no to trying again a month later -had he said yes my sense is we would have broken up after a short time and minimized any chance of ever getting back together.

Also I'd change the mindset of "my insecurities made me" to "I chose to react in this way to my insecurities"

[SooSad33]

5 minutes ago, Grapefruitlady said:

What if I heal and I still want to reach out? Is reaching out really that bad of a thing? The least that happens is that he says no, and I just gotta move on.

 

 (heal as in your mental health - or to heal re: getting over him?)

Your healing on yourself - mental health takes a while.. and by time you do feel 'healed', I am sure you will also be well over him... and not want to 'reach out', anymore.

You will know you're healed when you have no more feelings for him. And also, by that time, he'll most likely have moved on as well.

I suggest you just remain focused on YOU.

work on accepting this with him is done.  And you NEED to focus on yourself.  To get yourself better and to be able to move on again - in a healthy manner.

 

[Grapefruitlady]

15 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

 

 (heal as in your mental health - or to heal re: getting over him?)

Your healing on yourself - mental health takes a while.. and by time you do feel 'healed', I am sure you will also be well over him... and not want to 'reach out', anymore.

You will know you're healed when you have no more feelings for him. And also, by that time, he'll most likely have moved on as well.

I suggest you just remain focused on YOU.

work on accepting this with him is done.  And you NEED to focus on yourself.  To get yourself better and to be able to move on again - in a healthy manner.

 

Ah yes, I mainly meant my mental health. It has been getting a LOT BETTER, and I definitely think bad mental health was a major contribution to having a poor relationship. 
 

Yeah, my relationship with him wasn’t healthy. I’m glad I’m finally doing something for myself now. Still can’t shake the hope off though.

[Grapefruitlady]

46 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well, no, because if you reach out too soon it might create more distance, more disappointment, more negative stuff.  One of the reasons my husband and I successfully got back together after being serious in the past (but not married) was because he said no to trying again a month later -had he said yes my sense is we would have broken up after a short time and minimized any chance of ever getting back together.

Also I'd change the mindset of "my insecurities made me" to "I chose to react in this way to my insecurities"

Batya33,

how long where you apart then? I think I need AT LEAST 6 months more (we’ve been broken up for 3ish months now). I will wait longer to see if the feelings are still there then. 
 

also, I’ll take your advice on how to phrase my insecurities! And yes, I did choose to react poorly when I could have reacted better. At least I know now, and I’m working on it. 
 

thanks. 

[Grapefruitlady]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think this agreement is a healthy one -it's too vague, too open ended and tells me that even if you do try again your reaction -or his- to being in a challenging place will be to break up again to "heal" - but there are ups and downs and rocky/challenging times and healthy couples work on "healing" while they are still together.  If the healing requires separating that means it's a breakup and having a vague/limbo agreement is counterproductive.  In the future if he wants to be with you again he'll contact you.  If you want to be with him again I'd simply reach out in the future -not because of some agreement, because you want to be with him again.

I see where your concern for the agreement is coming from. We have definitely tried to be together and work things out before, but alas it did not seem to help so much. 
 

and thank you, I feel like the agreement is like a forced obligation, so I kinda didn’t want it. We will see if I want to be with him in the future, because that would really stem from my heart and feelings, not because of some agreement 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Grapefruitlady said:

I see where your concern for the agreement is coming from. We have definitely tried to be together and work things out before, but alas it did not seem to help so much. 
 

and thank you, I feel like the agreement is like a forced obligation, so I kinda didn’t want it. We will see if I want to be with him in the future, because that would really stem from my heart and feelings, not because of some agreement 

But there's no trying.  There's doing and not doing.  Whether you two get back together isn't just about heart and feelings.  It's about head too -feelings come and go -it's how you choose to react to those feelings, what actions you choose to take, how your head fits into it so that the reactions you choose are healthful and beneficial to your commitment.  Love is essential and it's not everything.

[Grapefruitlady]

35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But there's no trying.  There's doing and not doing.  Whether you two get back together isn't just about heart and feelings.  It's about head too -feelings come and go -it's how you choose to react to those feelings, what actions you choose to take, how your head fits into it so that the reactions you choose are healthful and beneficial to your commitment.  Love is essential and it's not everything.

Of course, gotta make sure I’m level headed first.

 

Is it so bad to try again later though? Assuming both parties have had personal growth?

[Batya33]

I married my ex fiancee so .... no.  Just be really specific and don't indulge in um psychobabble.  Personal growth?  Depends what that means specifically - get down to basics, be simple and honest with yourself.  Had I "grown" in a different direction I might not have been compatible with my ex when we got back together.  Trying again -it's not about "trying" -there is doing and not doing. How do you feel when your loved one says "ok I'll try harder next time" if you've told your loved one "when you do ___ it hurts my feelings".  Don't you want the person to say "I'm sorry  It's not going to happen again" not "I'm going to try not to forget to take out the garbage".  No.  If you don't want to forget to take out the garbage you take an action to insure that -you put a reminder on your phone or a sign on the fridge- whatever it takes.  Then if you mess up because your phone dies you can show your partner "see I put a reminder on my phone because it was important to me not to forget". Rather than some vague "Ok i'll try to remember next time."  

It's good to try again if (1) you both want to be together for the right reasons; (2) you both want to be together for the same reasons and with the same goals; (3) you've both changed in ways that what broke you up before is highly unlikely to happen again; (4) you've had enough time apart - and months usually is not enough time apart - so that all these things are true.  Of course there are couples who impulsively break up and realize how stupid it was to break up because she forgot to take out the garbage and the next day they're ready to shop for engagement rings - but if it's deeper than that, then slapping a label on it like "I've evolved in the last few weeks and I miss you so let's try again" or "I am in touch with my innermost feelings now and I've been doing yoga and my new life coach tells me that you are my soulmate and I feel that you are like an essential oil to me".  

If you're afraid to get down to the nitty gritty and get really specific and be humble about it - then you're not ready at all.  

[Grapefruitlady]

@Batya33

that is a great reply. Of course, I’m kinda generalizing on this forum page, but I do know the specifics of what I need to work on. I know where my insecurities stem from, which was being cheated on before, and in my most recent relationship, I struggled to be vulnerable. There were times where I would argue with my ex about silly things like hanging out with friends because I was insecure that said silly thing was going to hurt our relationship. It was the arguing, actually, that hurt our relationship. 
 

I would suppose that true getting back together and working together on a relationship requires honest, open, conversation, and not just a “I’ll try next time!” but an actual “yes, I hear you, I will make sure it doesn’t happen again”. 

[LaHermes]

11 hours ago, Grapefruitlady said:

What if I heal and I still want to reach out? Is reaching out really that bad of a thing? The least that happens is that he says no, and I just gotta move on.

It is precisely that kind of "hope" that will stall your healing process.