Need help in this situation She broke up, but still living together. Long read, labeled part 1 and 2.

[Lawndarts]

PART 1:
Been together for almost three years now. Live together.

Its been three days since she said "i'm done".
The reasons: Shes unhappy. Said she doesnt think she has any fight left in her. Why?
Many reasons: She felt like she brought out the worst in me. Anxiety, insecurity, blaming myself, even for the things she did. And for the most part shes right...but what I never could tell her is that it was her strange behaviors that brought those things out of me. Those behaviors didnt start till about 4 months ago.

Mainly with her phone. Turning off her notifications, taking her phone to the bathroom at 2AM, leaving me on read, not greating me when I come home from work. Overthinking things, getting over emotional..
I know she wasnt cheating...I looked...I know...bad.
Other stupid things I did.
There was never any cheating.

She also lied about several small things and large like being happy, going out to get nails done when we were finacially unstable at that time(who she went with she didnt lie about the nails, she said she went with family..as far as I know she went alone), lied about wanting to be engaged(a 2 year lie).

Despite it all I appologized for all of the things I did and how I acted several months ago, and shaped up..but I guess it was to late.

Sooo...heres the delima. She has nowhere to go at the moment, has no real friends, has High functioning aspergers, major depression, anxiety, social anxiety, bad short term memory, and problems expressing herself in words the first time clearly.
For instance it took several conversations for me to compile a list in my head of why she was unhappy over the course of a couple of weeks, and even then I didnt fully understand it all till she texted she was done, explaining that she already told me all the reasons.

I simply cant kick her out, nor do I want to, I dont want her to go...its selfish, but also I worry.

She as far as I can tell doesnt make enough on her own to make tripple the income requirement to get her own apt.

Has no bills in her name, and credit last time I knew was not good. She does have rental history because shes on the current lease.
We have some debt together..I financed some appliances, phone...little stuff...she agreed to help pay that down first before saving to get her own place..
I dont know what I can do for her though.

She hasnt had the greatest life growing up. Shes gone through alot. Shes never been 100% independant.
I told her I would not abandon her, I cant go back on my word.

What can I do?
Are their options that I havent thought of regaurding helping her eventually to move out if that is indeed what will be the final out come.


PART 2:
Second set of questions.
Is there any repairing us. Since shes still talking to me, being cordial, still being around me, still buying grocieris for "us" wanting me to go with her.
She also has two face books. One of them still says engaged(new one created a few weeks ago), the old one recently reactivated, relationship status recently hidden.(a week ago).
She become upset at me for confiding in a 15 year plus best friend...saying it was none of his business...
However in speaking with him I learned that I was doing unhealthy things to myself and putting 100% of my focus on her and not my life, hobbies, enjoyments..ect..I wasnt being being true to myself, and keeping everythinf bottled up, not setting boundaries, being 100% honest...which probly caused me to act the way I acted.

He has also gone through something very similure recently as well. Its not like I was bad talking her...I just wanted another perspective.
She hasnt told anybody that she left me, that I know of, I'd know. I would get questions if she did.
Still sleeping in the same bed, at my request. I didnt feel it fair that she slept on the couch, but it was her choice. I told her I wouldnt touch her, and I havent.

I want to tell her about my own revalations but at the same time were still living together, she will see me engaging in my own activities so should I have to say anything at all? I written her letters and texts alot in the past. Words are pointless without actions behind them.


Is there ANYTHING I can do?

[Wiseman2]

All you can do is develop a fair exit plan. Either you stay in the place until the lease is up or one of you pays the other off and finds another place.

[Lawndarts]

So are you saying theres no saving this?

 

I cant get another place and iv put myself out too much already. I had to get a cosigner just to get us in there...im not leaving to go live at home again...im too old for that.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Lawndarts said:

...im not leaving to go live at home again...im too old for that.

Ok, where did she live before? 

[Lawndarts]

Her parents. Was a bad situation.

[smackie9]

Obviously you want this resolved and keep everything the way it was....but that isn't up to you nor do you have any control over that. If she's done, she's done. She will eventually find her way out of there. So you may as well start the process of finding a roommate, and give her the proper allotted time to vacate.

[Lawndarts]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

Obviously you want this resolved and keep everything the way it was....but that isn't up to you nor do you have any control over that. If she's done, she's done. She will eventually find her way out of there. So you may as well start the process of finding a roommate, and give her the proper allotted time to vacate.

I make enough to stay on my own, just not enough to get a NEW apt. And allow her to take over the old one, I have thought of that option.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lawndarts said:

Still sleeping in the same bed, at my request. I didnt feel it fair that she slept on the couch, but it was her choice. I told her I wouldnt touch her, and I havent.

Are you sure it's a breakup or just another stand-off/bad fight?  Hopefully neither of you are dating others with this going on.

So she shops, plays house and "at your request" sleep in your bed? Sounds like you're hoping this turns into a roommate with benefits situation?

[tattoobunnie]

Tell her she must be out in 30 days.  It doesn't matter what health conditions or type of parents she has.  You're not her parent, and even if you were, are not obligated to take care of a grown woman.  She can take the time to find a roommate at another place.  

Be sure to find anything of value that you don't want her breaking or taking at a friends or family member's home for the time being.

[Lawndarts]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you sure it's a breakup or just another stand-off/bad fight?  Hopefully neither of you are dating others with this going on.

She told me through text that she was done. I asked her what her plan was and she wanted to get an apt.

[Lawndarts]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you sure it's a breakup or just another stand-off/bad fight?  Hopefully neither of you are dating others with this going on.

So she shops, plays house and "at your request" sleep in your bed? Sounds like you're hoping this turns into a roommate with benefits situation?

No, I dont want that. I was giving specifics of current behavior.

What I want is a rivival of the relationship, advice on how to do thst with the specifics given. At the same time options for miving her out without putting her to the street if that failed.

[DancingFool]

Her future and living arrangements are none of your business. Sorry to be so blunt, I feel it needs to be said just so.

In your mind, you've placed yourself into a position of her knight in shining armor, except that she isn't that disabled in reality and is actively choosing to leave you of her own free will.

As for the phone and suddenly caring about her appearance, I think you already know what that's about. She already has or is lining up another soft spot to land in, another "white knight" who will provide for her. So yes, your relationship is over and she has already made that decision and informed you accordingly. All that's left now is just physically separating the household, the bills, and so on.

Stop asking her to sleep in the same bed with you when you have already broken up. That's just messed up on your end. It doesn't matter if you won't touch her. What matters is that you need to start dealing with and accepting reality and step out of her way so she can move on as she wants to.

Truly the best thing and the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself is to rip off the band aid fast. Tell her she has 30 or 60 or 90 days to get out. Be sure you check local laws on that. Part ways and keep it clean.

[Lawndarts]

22 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Her future and living arrangements are none of your business. Sorry to be so blunt, I feel it needs to be said just so.

In your mind, you've placed yourself into a position of her knight in shining armor, except that she isn't that disabled in reality and is actively choosing to leave you of her own free will.

As for the phone and suddenly caring about her appearance, I think you already know what that's about. She already has or is lining up another soft spot to land in, another "white knight" who will provide for her. So yes, your relationship is over and she has already made that decision and informed you accordingly. All that's left now is just physically separating the household, the bills, and so on.

Stop asking her to sleep in the same bed with you when you have already broken up. That's just messed up on your end. It doesn't matter if you won't touch her. What matters is that you need to start dealing with and accepting reality and step out of her way so she can move on as she wants to.

Truly the best thing and the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself is to rip off the band aid fast. Tell her she has 30 or 60 or 90 days to get out. Be sure you check local laws on that. Part ways and keep it clean.

Most concise reply I have ever read. Me and blunt work well.

I guess your right I just hate it, and hate it for her. If she cant appreciate what I have done, who I am while together why would she apart but living together.

I guess I'll go tje you have so many days to leave route. It will crush her, seeimg as she only has the one bad option, and possibly force her into another abusive relationship...but what else can I do to regain my self respect and dignity.

 

[DancingFool]

5 minutes ago, Lawndarts said:

Most concise reply I have ever read. Me and blunt work well.

I guess your right I just hate it, and hate it for her. If she cant appreciate what I have done, who I am while together why would she apart but living together.

I guess I'll go tje you have so many days to leave route. It will crush her, seeimg as she only has the one bad option, and possibly force her into another abusive relationship...but what else can I do to regain my self respect and dignity.

 

The thing is that you are not forcing her into anything. SHE chose to end your relationship, not you.

If she thought that you will continue to support her and pay her bills while she breaks up with you and goes off with someone else, what does that tell you about how little respect she has for you??? That alone would make your relationship not viable.

[Lawndarts]

7 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

The thing is that you are not forcing her into anything. SHE chose to end your relationship, not you.

If she thought that you will continue to support her and pay her bills while she breaks up with you and goes off with someone else, what does that tell you about how little respect she has for you??? That alone would make your relationship not viable.

To clarify, she is still paying 50/50.

Will continue to until everything is paid.

But your right she does have the choice. She has exercised it already in the form of being done with me.

 

I tend to still blame myself as it seems..

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Lawndarts said:

. It will crush her, seeimg as she only has the one bad option, and possibly force her into another abusive relationship..

Yeah, you are not doing any of this. As mentioned, it's HER choice.

And not sure why you'd think she be jumping into 'another abusive relationship'?

.......

I agree, that you do not be in same bed/room.  Why don't YOU sleep on the couch?

As for her finances, can she not get any assistance, if she does not make much & just rent a room or bachelor apt?

Anyways, she does have family, from what I understand, they can kick in if need be.

As for her actions online- is none of your business and doesn't really matter.  Stop focussing on all she is doing.

And as for all your friend has said.. is time you realize this and start focussing on yourself more! Seriously, so often we don't, we get lost in so much & life becomes so overwhelming ,etc 😕 .

She has no right to react on how you deal with anything, nor who you choose to speak to!  You have every right, as does she.  That's ridiculous- so many examples of lack of respect and trust.

So,,, you back off and let her be now.  No more expectations and yeah, go hang with your buddy more & get your life back!

[Tinydance]

You could only work it out and save the relationship if she wanted to. If she wants to break up then there's not much you can do. She'll have to move out and take care of herself on her own. Don't help her too much when she decides to move. It's not your responsibility.