Fiance is visiting ex-wife today and I am down

[Luciana]

Yesterday I went to my marriage counselor with my fiance. We are in therapy before our wedding. I am glad he decided to go with me.

 

We rehashed trhe whole drama that was his ex-wife's interference in our relationship years ago. When he met me, he still was in love with her and very ambiguous. thereforeeee, he made me suffer for not taking a stand against her aggressive pursuit on him once she saw us dating. There are too many stories to write here.

 

Bottom line is, he stayed with me, and she ended up giving up in destroying our relationship and married some guy in another state. She hasn't bothered me since. But I could never forget what she did and how weak he was in making her stop.

 

Well, he decided to buy a car in the city she lives, and is visiting his teenage daughter, consequently, seeing her too. I normally wouldn't have a problem with that but this is bugging me all day, and I know why: after having rehashed with the therapist everything that hurt me so much, I cried my eyes out at the session and felt very emotionally fragile the whole day. Then the next day he is going to see her, after maybe more than a year (the daughter always comes to visit us).

 

I am trying not to let this bother me, and I know he won't do anything wrong, it's just the thought of him talking to the woman who caused me so much grief (and with whom he was so much in love with in the past) is nagging me like a headache.

 

I don't know what to ask when he comes back home: nothing at all or ask him to tell me what went on. I know he won't say a word to me (he knows I dislike her intensely).

 

Any words of wisdom from anyone? It's just that I feel sad in this grisly gray day...the emotions from yesterday are too raw.

[Day_Walker]

I think this is your issue to deal with, it would be in your best interest not to bring it up for the sake of your "raw emotions". She caused you pain but he is going to see her because he wants to see his daughter. I believe that there are still somethings about this issue that you need to talk it out with your therapist and it probably be a good idea until you have worked things out in your head.

[Falucchi]

I usually think that people show who they are from the beginning.

 

I'm sorry you feel so bad, and are in pain. I'm just going to put it bluntly here.

The thing is, you knew the situation with the ex-wife from day one.

You have experienced problems due to this situation all along.

Even though it's supposed to be"over"- you are still experiencing the situation with the ex-wife, and will continue to do so because they parent a child.

 

I would say that, there's really no reason to believe that this situation will stop or change much. It's who he is. It's his past/present/future. Sure, it may change slightly and have some ups and downs, but this is the situation that you're going to be exposed to. Forever.

 

I don't know how long you've been dating/engaged to him, but you have to admit that he's been "involved" with her since the day you met him

and that hasn't changed much.

 

I could never forget what she did and how weak he was in making her stop. It is what it is, and you have to accept it, or leave. Nothing about his/her/their beahvior should surprise you. You signed on for it, and he proved to you from day 1 that "he made me suffer for not taking a stand against her aggressive pursuit " He's been like this from the start, and you knew that.

 

I wonder if you really "love" him, or just feel that since you WON him from her, giving him up would signal some kind of a victory for HER. But is anyone really winning?

 

I can't imagine PRE-marriage therapy involving crying my eyes out all day, feeling raw, hurt, upset, and sad. Honey, you aren't even MARRIED to the guy and you're suffering so much grief. And have been since the day you met!

Why? This is supposed to be your HAPPY time, engaged, in love, planning your future. Maybe you won him, but it's a helluva cost. Your life! When you look ahead 5 years with him, what do you see?

 

What to ask him when he comes home? What difference does it make? You KNOW what went on, you do. What went on is more or less the same as what's always gone one.

 

take care

[Luciana]

Faluchi, I always like your opinions a lot because you are really straightforward.

 

We've been together for almost 7 years. She harassed us for the first 4 years. I sincerely believe he is over her along time ago and made a choice to be with me. He could have chosen her back since she was so available and hitting on him and offering him sex. She was the mother of his only child so he was scared of really blowing her off; plus, he had been madly in love with this woman.

 

This woman moved on with her life and she wasn't an issue anymore. I don't think about her and ocasionally I will see him talking to her on the phone about the teenage daughter and I don't care, it's not my business.

 

But yesterday's therapy session bought back all the hurt from 3 years ago. PLUS he told the therapist his reluctance to get married again and to commit to anyone had been what he went through with her (she cheated on him). His favorite sentence is "once bitten, twice shy". So he never treated me as well as he treated her back then. And he took 5 years to decide to live together with me....making me go through a lot of stress while waiting and waiting for him to finally commit.

 

We are getting married in 2 months but he doesn't seem that enthusiastic. Remember how bitter he is about marriage. So yesterday I finally understoof that this woman's behavior from 10 years ago is affecting MY life, my relationship with him, I paying for HER mistakes!

 

After a hard session, the next day he will go see his daughter and her, it';s just hard to stomach. It would have been better with me going along but I have to work during the week and he is his own boss.

 

I know this is a small thing, but sometimes small things make you feel down....maybe I am just angry at him for visiting someone I hate so much.

[itry]

hi luciana... reading ur post makes me think about myself...

 

ive been with my bf for about 3yrs now... last year.. just last year we had major problems... a lot of fights.. a lot of break-ups to make-ups... during an intense break up.. he began seeing his sons mother again. oh my God did that hurt. after him basicallly lying about it and a lot of crying hurt and sincere reconciliation... i still want so bad to punch this woman in the face a couple of times... (all in my head though )

 

bottom line... i know it HURTS.. but its MY issues.. when i accepted his apology and when we went through our own form of therapy... i was back and forth... always uncomfortable.. always suspicious.. till i was depleted of insecurity. i had to make a choice. i had to get over it and move forward....because i want to be with him and in my heart i believe him and will put effort into our relationship.. and no more effort into the negative emotions i feel for this other woman.

 

ur gonna have to try and channel how u feel constructively... im still new at it since this new approach is just recent.. but i can tell that its working...

 

i can also tell u that he's probably tired of hearing about it..esp. if he has decided to be committed to u.

 

nothing but ur way of thinking along with TIME, will help in this situation...

 

take some therapy for urself also.... that will help u in dealing with what ur dealing with.. u can speak freely without having to worry about what he thinks...

 

good luck[/u]

[Luciana]

Thanks Itry, that helps. it is always good to hear from others that have felt the same.

 

The worse is that he could have assuaged my fears and said: I will try not to see her, or don't worry about it. He has no emotional intelligence.

 

Instead, he told me to shut up. Great, isn't it? His goal is getting this car no matter the emotional cost.

 

My fiance has always been one to put material things ahead of people.

He's the kind of guy who will hear that I suffered a car accident and willl ask the cop first what damage the car had....

[SimoneTiger]

Luciana, he divorced her for a reason. He asked you to marry him because he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

 

My two cents: get over it. Be an adult and stop worrying about and trying to analyze things that simply do not exist.

[Falucchi]

Thanks-- I hope it helps.

 

But okay, enough about him.. let's talk about you:

 

When you look ahead 5 years with him, what do you see?

Realistic: How do you see your life?

How do you see him behaving with you?

With his ex?

What do you imagine you'll feel on a daily basis if you marry him?

What do you think Christmas 2008 will be like for you?

 

Marriage is about your future, as in, the rest of your life.

How do you think it's going to be with him?

"So he never treated me as well as he treated her back then. And he took 5 years to decide to live together with me....making me go through a lot of stress while waiting and waiting for him to finally commit. ..this woman's behavior from 10 years ago is affecting MY life, my relationship with him, I paying for HER mistakes! "

 

Do you think this is how your husband and marries life should be? If it hasn't been all that good in the past, why will the future be any better? I mean, based on HIS CURRENT behavior that you'll have a happy, joyful, fulfilling life with this man?

Is he really worth it? Honestly?

[Luciana]

Even though this is a minor problem (nevertheless bothering me), it would have been better if he had assuaged my fears.

 

1) He saw how emotional I became while telling the therapist about what happened.

 

2) He knew he was going to see his ex-wife when I am especially sensitive about this subject.

 

3) I tell him this morning before he left for the airport how I felt unconfortable that he was going to see her. He told me to shut up.

 

4) what he should have done is said something like: "I will try not to see her", or "don't worry about it, I don't care about her", etc. Instead, he said nothing when I asked if it was possible to see his daughter without seeing her.

[SimoneTiger]

She is the mother of his child. Even though his reaction was not especially gracious, your request for him to not see his ex-wife sounds unreasonable to me.

[Luciana]

There is no need for him to see her. The daughter is 14 years old.

In the past he would hang out at her house and have innappropriate conversations with her, telling her all about hsi present relationships. he and her used to love bad mouthing his GF's (!). When I started dating him, I told him he should have a parental relationship with his ex (talk exclusively about the daughter with her). Because he LET her into his life like that, she felt she could abuse his GF's. He was whipped by her.

 

Especially after a sensiitve day with the therapist reliving all the 4 years she abused me, I asked him one simple request. I did not want him to see that woman when he went to see his daughter.

 

He came back and refused to answer if he had seen her or not. I asked him and he ignored me. After seeing me so upset, he blurted out he hadn't see her. I hate him right now. That is mental cruelty.

[melrich]

I can understand your emotions about this. But as someone else posted, you knew the situation at the beginning of your relationship and what you were buying into. He has to be able to see his daughter and for his daughters sake he has to be able to have a working relationship with the mother.

 

You have to have some confidence in your relationship. At the moment you are pushing him into a place between a rock and a hard place and I'm not surprised he is clamming up about things.