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My ex [30M] and I [29F] haven’t been together going on 4 yrs now. He’s emotionally and mentally manipulative/abusive. Unfortunately I deal with it because we have a child together. 

It’s hard to coparent with someone who is inconsistent for one. Secondly he tells me things he thinks I want to hear. I admit he’s put in a little more effort recently but it’s just enough to keep his foot in the door. So he can whine to me and say “look I’ve been doing better, I’m trying” 

Then it’s like we get to a point he starts talking about us being a family again, getting a place together (my son and I currently live in a homeless shelter lol !) In my heart I know it could never be a thing. He’s disrespected us to the point I know things would never be the same again. We are here because dad doesn’t pull his weight. Bare minimum child support, barely sees him 5x out of the year. Our son has a disability with no support I’m having to carry all the weight alone. He knows so him 

Crazy because when I met him I had my own place, I let him come stay with me thinking he was just going through ***. Anyways he has a habit of entertaining me to the point he thinks he’s lured me in and then when I show any sign of security/comfort he pulls the rug from under my ass again. Starts the flighty *** all over again. Ghost us, disappears then I’m left trying to figure out what I did wrong. He tries to give me hope that he’s going to do better so our life will get better but never actually means it 🤣

 

 

What is this ? Why can’t I leave him alone ? My esteem is very low so maybe that plays a huge part but I don’t even want him back. I haven’t slept with him or anything. I guess I so badly want to connect with someone I’m lonely no friends or life because my life revolves around being a mom. Just sucks to be hurt so bad and it’s like little by little I lose belief in myself that I’ll ever be strong enough to leave this man alone forever. I’ll always accept his bare minimum

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I am sorry to hear this but I'm glad you're safe for the moment. Is there any way for you to earn an income even if it's to get a foot in the door part time(then increase your shifts or work later for example)? Have you applied for subsidized housing in your area? Are there housing assistance programs or programs to help you get back on your feet? Are there also any counsellors at the shelter you can get advice from on the next steps to secure more safety/stability for both of you? 

Connecting with people is fine but connect with the right people, get sound advice for your situation also. Good and healthy relationships are not just romantic and they don't always involve fun. They can be connections and friendships that are stable, healthy, forward or future-thinking whether it's guidance counsellors or other inspirational figures who have been down your path and offer insight into how to get out and improve your mental health in the process. You might gain more reward that way.

Don't keep going back to the people or situations that kept bringing you down.  

 

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26 minutes ago, Sadlulempathy said:

when I met him I had my own place, I let him come stay with me thinking he was just going through 

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully you have court ordered child support.

You do not need contact with him if he chooses visitation 5x a year. You only need one mode of communication to set that up.

You have also hopefully contacted social services for assistance with food and healthcare for  you and your child as well as career training, mental health support, etc.

 Does he use drugs? What happened from "he moved into my place" to "I'm in a homeless shelter"?

You need to stop wishing and hoping he ever becomes a decent reliable man. This is not "bread crumbing", or some cute dating dilemma, it's a continuation of the abuse. 

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You can establish boundaries and stick to them. Explain that the conversations will be about your child only. If he starts with other discussions, end the conversation. Read articles and books on boundaries. He is a co-parent and that's it. He's not a potential partner, or a friend, so don't engage with him on anything other than co-parenting issues. You teach people how to treat you. If they cross the line, you stop the communication for that one discussion period. He will learn you have a spine and should stop.

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You are hurting your child by exposing him to this.   You know who this guy is, as he has shown you over and over.   Think about your child as you are allowing a lot of horrific behavior.   

 

Do you work?   

Edited by Hollyj
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2 hours ago, Sadlulempathy said:

He’s emotionally and mentally manipulative/abusive. Unfortunately I deal with it because we have a child together. 

This is what you need to remember... and the rest you know is head games 😞 .

He does this because you let him.... he barely associates with your child?  That's sad..  Then, only deal with him when he is doing that - otherwise don't give him the time of day!

I had an ex like that for a while, he'd bein my face within 5 mins of picking the boys up... very manipulating 😕 ... But it came to an end, when I kep tabs with the lawyer.

He is a loser.. simple.  Be strong...  Are you waiting for assisted housing or something?  Can you not stick with family or friends?

 

 

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