Is this really trust that I am feeling?

[youaremyeternity]

Hi. This is my first time posting and hope it goes well...

 

Here is a little bit of background of the situation...I have been in 4 long term relationships in the last 7-8 years...Besides the last one that just ended a few weeks ago, the significant other has always lied, cheated, and betrayed me...One relationship was quite abusive in all senses of the word...The relationship I got into my significant other knew of my issues with trust...

 

My big question is how do you know when you trust someone? What does is feel like? And once trust is lost, can it ever be reclaimed?

[Dr]

Trust is when you have no doubts about something or someone.

 

If you have even minor doubts then you don\'t trust. Trust is something that is usually earnt over time and as such is never an instant feeling.

 

Dr

[Millerm]

Awww im sorry Yes trust can be regained. When you trust someone, you will feel like that person would do anything in the world for you. Trust me, the right person will come along someday

[Celadon]

Welcome to eNotAlone!

 

I have a few thoughts: Trust is knowing that when someone says he'll do something, he does it.

 

Trust is not having to check your S.O.'s cell phone to see who he's been calling and who has been calling him.

 

Trust feels like a warm blanket.

 

Trust feels right. You feel the important stuff is being said between you two. And when you bring up an issue, he listens and tries to understand you.

 

Trust means being able to tell the other person about your weaknesses, and feeling safe because he's not going to throw it back in your face. In fact, he'll try to be sensitive about it.

 

Trust makes an effort to build the relationship; it's forward looking, and not about instant gratification.

 

Trust is based on integrity. Look at a prospective BF and see how he treats other people, how he conducts himself, what he manages his work/career/finances.

 

But, trust is NOT blind. It gives itself to the other person when he demonstrates he is trustWORTHY. It is poop when someone says, "If YOU don't trust me, there's something wrong with you." If you have legitimate concerns based on HIS behavior, trust your instincts.

[SilverManic]

But then the clock ticks the other way. Just because you've been hurt in the past don't let the next guy get it. The thing is you might find someone who you can trust and then get all paranoid and lose him. Trust needs to be earned but you need to give someone a certain amount of trust in the first place.

One guy I went out with I told I had a problem he said we could work threw it together and the next week he dumped me because he couldn't cope with it. Some men just don't have the time for you, others want every girl they can get and then there are the ones that are actually genuine. Why should they suffer because of the bad ones?

~S.

[smallworld]

My big question is how do you know when you trust someone? What does is feel like? And once trust is lost, can it ever be reclaimed?

 

Trust begins in the crib. Crying our little hearts out for love, food, diaper changes and seeing if Mom shows up. As we get older, our relationships become more complex, but the testing process is still the same. You'll know you can trust someone when they're trustworthy with the 'small promises' they make you. Do they show up when they say they will? Are they there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on? Do they willing put their ego aside to resolve conflicts? Do they respect your time? property? feelings? Do they have good relationships with their friends? family? Do they pay back others what they owe? Do they take responsibility for their actions when they fail? Do they pride themselves on having integrity in their professional lives? It's these little things that tell you if you can trust a person with your heart and your life.

 

Trust feels calm. You feel calm and strong knowing someone has your back and that they won't abandon you when life gets tough or unpleasant.

 

Trust can be reclaimed, but only if the person who broke that trust is sincerely remorseful and willingly changes their behavior to earn back the trust that was lost.

[freedom]

Hmmm,

Have you thought that the fear of trust is actually something that stems for yourself?

Do you through with all the things you say you are going to do? becasue if you don't and you have excuses for your action, then won't you expect others to have to same excuses like yourself?

This is a perpective not a solution.

[godschld7777]

Sorry for your past. I was raped at 8 years old, 11 years old, and repeatedly almost daily from ages 13-16. I was used by my boyfriends until about the age of 16 when I realized that I cannot find what I am looking for in just letting guys use me. I realized that I had to start sticking up for myself. I do know that if a guy would mistreat me I would break up with them. I did not put up with anything hardly from any guy. The reason why I let them use me is because I didn't have a dad in my life and my mom was too busy for me. I felt that guys using me was their way of showing me that they care about me, cause at least someone wanted to have something to do with me. Around 15-16 years old I realized that I cannot find love by being used.

 

I didn't trust anyone with my heart. I was married before my current marriage and during the entire 10 years I didn't trust him to be close to him. I without realizing it wouldn't let myself love completely. After 10 years we were divorce when I ended up leaving him for someone else. With this guy in which is my husband I trusted COMPLETELY and I let myself love without walls. Before I knew it my everything was consumed in him. I put up with way too much from him while we were dating, but I didn't suspect any need for distrust.

 

After we were married my son and stepson told me that they found something on my husband's computer that I need to look at. They had found several pictures of women and porn. I would have never thought that my husband would be doing that. With my past I have very good insight, but I didn't see it. I guess because we weren't living together for the first year and a half of our relationship. I found out about the photos and porn just four months after we were married. He said that he likes looking at women and admitted that he had a problem and that he wanted for us to go to counseling. We went to counseling for a little over a year and he kept lying to me when I would ask if he looked at someone. I for some reason put some trust back into him cause I did not keep my eyes open fully. After fighting with this and counseling he confessed to me one night that he had cheated on me a little over a year ago. The timing made it that he had cheated on me after I found the photos and we were going to counseling. Two weeks after he confessed I was on his computer and found a weird profile name for yahoo. I went to yahoo and looked at it. It made me get more curious about the yahoo account, so I went to yahoo email and found in his sent folder some emails to other women asking when he can come over to their house. When I asked him about it he admitted to it and asked me if I had seen Yahoo Messenger on his computer and I said NO. He told me that the reason why is because about two weeks before he confessed the cheating he had deleted it. He said that he had realized how much he loved me and stopped the chatting.

 

We discovered that he has a Sexual Addiction. He is now in recovery and is in a support group. He seems to be trying REALLY hard, but I still don't close my eyes and I never will whether with him or not. He can earn my trust back, but he will have to do exactly that. EARN IT!!! He knows that if he EVER does ANYTHING that I WILL leave. There will be NO asking for a reason just simply OK well you know what you need to do, the suitcase is in there.

 

From what I have read you need to do what I have needed to do; start working on yourself. I suggest that you do some research on Codependency and learn about the recovery of it. Since you seem to keep a pattern they're may be a reason. One thing that I discovered a long time ago is that people will treat you however you allow them to. You probably need to work on your self-esteem, so that you can become a stronger person. If you learn to become a stronger person mentally then this will be sensed by men. You have to first respect yourself before you can be respected.

 

As for your question on can you trust again. The answer is Yes, but if I were you I would make guys earn it and always keep your eyes open. We are all human so people do make mistakes even the ones that we would think to be the last to do so. I feel that we are placing too much confidence on a person if we completely close our eyes. Should you research him or watch him every second NO, but just stay alert.

 

I suggest that you focus on how he treats you. While my husband I were dating I sensed that he didn't Truly love me, but I thought he loved me enough. A guy who truly loves you will want to spend time with you every second that they can. They need to be totally honest and open, so you may want to keep an eye on whether or not he is expressing his feelings. It needs to be both good feelings and bad feelings. If you sense a wall or barrier you may want to reconsider the relationship if it is all the time. I would look at the characteristics of your previous boyfriends and see what they had in common and then keep an eye out for these in new boyfriends. You may want to pay attention to how he treats other women when you go out in public. Does he seem to look at other women alot, cause if so he may be a risk?

 

I hope that I didn't come off too harsh. I was trying to help by being completely honest. If you have any questions feel free to email me at email removed

[Drizown]

okay, so you have this crazy quirk that somehow makes you able to sniff out the men that are going to end up being emotionally unavailable to you. We can talk about why that is and what priorites are that make these men seem attractive to you. However, what we can most quickly rectify is how long you stick around once you know that he's just not that into a committing trusting and loving relationshio. A lot of guys, good and bad, are going to fly in your direction. Which ones you pick to invest your time in is hwhere you have your control. immediatley. being in a good relationship is much better than being in a bad relationship, and you'll never be able to be in a good relationship if you're sticking with mr. crappy bf. Only you can know if the relationship you're in isn't good enough for you. A good indication that it's not is if you're staying with whats his name because ur scared.

 

Sure you say "but i have standards" well your standards arnt working so lets raise them. Lets put you in charge of how its going to end next time. A standard is setting a level for yourself of what you will or won't tolerate. You get to decide how it's going to be for you. You can now design the person you want to be in the future, and the standards you want to have.

 

standard suggestions

 

i will not go out with a man who hasn't asked me out first

 

An exuse is a polite rejection. men are not afraid of ruining the friendship.

Dont get tricked into asking him out. if he likes you he'll do the asking

if you can find him, then he can find you. if he wants to find you he will.

Just because you like to lead doesnt mean he wants to dance. some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason. "hey lets meet at so and so's party/any bar/friend's house" is not a date.

Men don't forget how much they like you. so put down the phone. you are good enough to be asked out.

 

i will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.

 

If he's not calling you its because you're not on his mind.

If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on the litte things, he wont for the big things. be aware of this and realize he's ok with disapointing you. dont be with someone who doesnt do what they say they're going to.

if he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesnt respect your feelings and needs. you deserve a freakin phone call.

 

i will not date a man who isnt sure he wants to date me

 

guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. i dont want to be in a serious relationship truly means i dont want to be in a serious relationship with you.

If you dont know where the relationship is going it's ok to ask. murky is not good. theres a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he's ur bf. quit wasting time and go find him.

 

I will not stay with a man who cheats on me

 

there is no excuse for cheating.

your only responsiblity to someone elses lapse in judgement is to yourself. cheating is cheating. it doesnt matter whom it was with ir how many times it happened. cheating gets easier every time its donw. its only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

cheaters never prosper.

a cheater only cheats himself because he doesnt get to be with you.

 

i will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesireable

 

people tell you who they are all the time. when a man says he cant be monogamous you should believe him. companionship is wonderful, but companionship with sex is better. call a spade a spade or more fittingly a friend a friend, and go find yourself a friend that cant keep his hands off you.

 

i will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me un

 

it doesnt count unless he says it when he's sober. an I love you or any semblance thereof while under the influence of anything stronger than grape juice wont hold up in court or in life.

drinking and drug use are not a path to ones innermost feelings. otherwise people wouldnt smash empty beer cans on their skulls or stick their finger in fire to see if they can feel anything.

if he only wants to see you, talk to you, have sex with you etc when hes inebriated it aint love its sport.

Bad boys are actually bad.

 

 

i will not be with a man who's afraid to talk about our future.

 

doesnt want to get married and doesnt want to get married to me are two different things. be sure of what category he falls under.

if you have different views about marriage what else are you not the same page about. time to take inventory.

if you dont feeling like ur rushing why are you waiting?

 

 

i will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me

 

You cant talk your way out of a breakup its not up for discussion. a break up is a definitive action not a democratic one.

break up sex still means ur broken up.

cut him off. let him miss you.

he doesnt need to be reminded that you're great.

classy doesnt mean break into his answering machine.

theres no mystery hes gone and he wasnt good enough for you.

dont give him the chance to reject u again.

let his mother yell at him ur too busy.

 

i will not date a man whos married

unless he's all yours he's still hers.

there are cool, loving single men in the world

if a guy is yelling about his ex wife or crying over his last gf, try to find someone else.

dont be the other woman.

you are note easily forgotten. let him find you when hes ready.

 

i will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.

 

life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

you deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time (but u have to be nice too)

you already have a butt hole u dont need another.

 

 

 

** in conclusion, this was to help you make smart decisions so u dont end up with these men. when you do and yes im certain enough to say when you find the good guy you're trust question won't be an issue. have faith what other choice is there? you're fabulous and you deserve it/ good luck**