I can't seem to fully engage emotionally until relationships have ended

[mustard]

A three year relationship of mine just ended, again, and I'm really emotional about it now. I'd seen this looming and thought I could handle it, but as soon at she came to pick up her things, I felt overwhelming grief. All of the things I'd thought were too much work to do toward the end of the the conflicts I'd let go unresolved, all the petty annoyances that I'd let build, all the complaints or cries for attention on her part, became deafening. Obviously, I've reached out to see if she'd like to try again, but shes done, and I don't blame her. I have this pattern of becoming distant or aloof every 7-9 months as a way of stalling for time on escalating my commitment to her. It has caused her great pain, clearly.

 

I want to fix this so badly. Not just to get back the relationship, because that's likely gone forever, but so I don't fall into this cycle with someone else. I'm a bit of a loner, and admit that I'm wary of the loss of freedom in committed relationships, but I find LTRs to be incredibly fulfilling at the same time, especially my most recent ex.

 

What do I do?

[Hollyj]

What were the issues in the relationship?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. How old is she? What type of commitment? Were you exclusive? Living together? Did she want to get engaged? Boundaries help freedom in relationships by creating space and autonomy. Being joined at the hip is unhealthy.

 

Don't settle down if you don't want, but don't just coast along stringing anyone along.

A three year relationship of mine just ended, again

 

I have this pattern of becoming distant or aloof every 7-9 months as a way of stalling for time on escalating my commitment to her. I'm a bit of a loner, and admit that I'm wary of the loss of freedom in committed relationships

[mustard]

Sorry to hear this. How old is she? What type of commitment? Were you exclusive? Living together? Did she want to get engaged? Boundaries help freedom in relationships by creating space and autonomy. Being joined at the hip is unhealthy.

 

Don't settle down if you don't want, but don't just coast along stringing anyone along.

 

She is 28 and wants to move in together and get married. i want those things too, but I can never tell when I'm "ready." I don't know what those decisions really feel like. I'm not averse to settling down but I'm scared of being very bad at it and making both of us miserable. I understand that I can't keep stringing anyone along. I didn't want to lose this woman but I admit that I made it almost impossible for her to feel secure in staying. i might have self-sabotaged to avoid a decision though. I can be very avoidant and cowardly.

 

Now I looked like an duplicitous idiot recognizing and communicating the true extent of my grief and remorse to her after the fact and she understandably doesn't believe a word I say. It must come across as horribly manipulative. I didn't want to hurt her anymore but I also didn't want to leave those things unsaid.

[mustard]

What were the issues in the relationship?

 

Mostly due my comittment issues. I had a bad divorce ten years ago that turned me off on the idea, and my parents werent very good role models of a healthy partnership. There were some communication problems, but it was mostly about my reluctance to escalate formal commitment. We basically lived together, she's essentially a part of my family, and our lives were pretty well integrated. It made total sense to move in together but i just couldn't do it.

[bluecastle]

Can I ask how old you are? Just curious to get some context here on what "forever" constitutes.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you've written here, having felt that way here and there over the course of life. All in all, I think the reason was pretty simple, if sad: I was in relationships that I just wasn't fully into being in. I treated them as somewhat temporary because, deep down, gun to head, I believed they were just that. When they ended I was devastated—because loss sucks, but also, I think, because it invariably held a mirror to the shortcomings of being in a state of quasi-commitment inside a committed relationship.

 

What helped me? Taking some real time to think about what it is I wanted from a relationship, to get intentional about all, so that whatever I committed to wasn't fueled simply by early juju, sparks, and basic human desires for sex and companionship, but a real faith that we could each offer the other what was needed to thrive: as individuals, as partners.

 

I'm a bit of a loner myself, for instance, fond of marching to the very loud beat of my personal drum. Rather than think of that as some impediment, however, I started thinking about it as something to nurture—as something that could be nurtured inside a relationship, with the right person, rather than some cancer I had to eradicate in the name of forever and ever. Doesn't mean I was looking for someone to give me a hall pass on reckless and inconsiderate behavior, but just someone that I could feel like me around, rather than some version of me that felt like an act being performed on the relationship stage.

 

Just going from what you've offered, it may be pretty simple here: you haven't met the right person and/or haven't taken a minute to become the person you want to be, so you can be that person alongside another. All those fears you're describing? About it going south, and so on? Zoom out a few degrees and you may see them as a byproduct of basic incompatibility rather than some personal pathology.

[mustard]

I'm 41. You're right, upon introspection, I always considered the relationship somewhat disposable, especially since it grew out of what I had intended to be a hookup. There were also a few things that made me question her honesty and integrity that I won't go into right now. I felt a good amount of guilt at times in the relationship, knowing that she was, as far as i could tell, fully on board while I had some reservations. It's not that I don't want ot work through things like that, but it's very hard to let go of the idea that since it has happened once, it could happen again.

 

As the relationship moved forward I did feel at times as though I wasn't adequately done "becoming." I didn't linger very long on those thoughts because it's such a vague complaint, and I don't know how to reify the concern and address it appropriately.

[bluecastle]

I always considered the relationship somewhat disposable, especially since it grew out of what I had intended to be a hookup.

 

A lot here to unpack, I suspect. If you drift into something in a state of emotional unavailability, and have that state validated by another, the odds are very slim that the dynamic suddenly evolves into total availability, into something that doesn't feel like drifting. Reason is simple: How can you take a woman seriously who is taking a version of you seriously that you don't even think is so hot, so serious? If a shadow version of yourself is what gets her "fully on board," you're going to be prone to questioning that, surrendering to it. It's like having a mirror held to you that reflects back an image you don't much like, at which point respect (of yourself, of the person holding that mirror) is basically annihilated.

 

I say look at this moment, tough as it is, as a gift. I'll spare you my story, but I went through something shockingly similar: same age gap, same initial expectations, also three years. When it ended, and the smoke started to clear? My whole thing was that if I was going to ever be in a state of heartbreak again—which I was open to, since I wanted love and partnership and all that jazz—it was not going to come after (a) significant time spent on the fence with (b) a woman who would put up with that shellshocked version of myself. To get to that place—well, it required me to get a bit more serious about growing up and scraping some corrosion off the emotional pipes.

 

You got divorced at 31, which leads me to think you got married to a youthful love. Can't help but wonder: In seeking someone much younger than you, could you have been trying to replay that story with different results? It's hard to feel like you're growing alongside someone, and able to keep growing authentically, when you have to grown backwards a bit to connect.

[LaHermes]

At the heart of the matter Mustard.

 

"I had a bad divorce ten years ago that turned me off on the idea, and my parents werent very good role models of a healthy partnership."

 

and

 

" but it's very hard to let go of the idea that since it has happened once, it could happen again.

"

 

Until you work through these issues and make peace with them I fear relationships are going to be difficult for you.

 

It isn't IMO about being what you call a loner.

[bluecastle]

Oh, and just a thought about your title:

 

When a relationship ends, full emotional engagement is "easy" because it's with yourself, the other person rendered an idea, an abstraction. You have all these feelings, without the complexity of another person.

 

It's like the difference between fully engaging with Paris while planning a trip, or looking back at photos of a trip, but struggling to actually enjoy walking around Paris: weird traffic patterns, too much cigarette smoke, whatever. And if you told me that about Paris? I'd say it just wasn't the city for you, or that you should get a bit more intentional about what it is you want from travel: a place to escape yourself, of discover new corners of yourself.

[Hollyj]

Mostly due my comittment issues. I had a bad divorce ten years ago that turned me off on the idea, and my parents werent very good role models of a healthy partnership. There were some communication problems, but it was mostly about my reluctance to escalate formal commitment. We basically lived together, she's essentially a part of my family, and our lives were pretty well integrated. It made total sense to move in together but i just couldn't do it.

 

Perhaps, she is not the right girl.

 

If you think that you have commitment issues, then maybe you should consult a therapist to work through your trust issues.

[mustard]

A lot here to unpack, I suspect. If you drift into something in a state of emotional unavailability, and have that state validated by another, the odds are very slim that the dynamic suddenly evolves into total availability, into something that doesn't feel like drifting. Reason is simple: How can you take a woman seriously who is taking a version of you seriously that you don't even think is so hot, so serious? If a shadow version of yourself is what gets her "fully on board," you're going to be prone to questioning that, surrendering to it. It's like having a mirror held to you that reflects back an image you don't much like, at which point respect (of yourself, of the person holding that mirror) is basically annihilated.

 

I say look at this moment, tough as it is, as a gift. I'll spare you my story, but I went through something shockingly similar: same age gap, same initial expectations, also three years. When it ended, and the smoke started to clear? My whole thing was that if I was going to ever be in a state of heartbreak again—which I was open to, since I wanted love and partnership and all that jazz—it was not going to come after (a) significant time spent on the fence with (b) a woman who would put up with that shellshocked version of myself. To get to that place—well, it required me to get a bit more serious about growing up and scraping some corrosion off the emotional pipes.

 

You got divorced at 31, which leads me to think you got married to a youthful love. Can't help but wonder: In seeking someone much younger than you, could you have been trying to replay that story with different results? It's hard to feel like you're growing alongside someone, and able to keep growing authentically, when you have to grown backwards a bit to connect.

 

The age gap wasn't an issue because, as I said, the relationship was almost purely sexual. I didn't seek out a younger person and didn't intend it to become what it did. We had an incredible amount in common though and I found myself reaching out to her seek advice and get her opinion on things. I was also very new to dating again, having spent the previous few years abusing alcohol and then being a sober gym rat. It was a time of intense transformation for me and I her presence was a reassuring one. The age difference didn't really become an issue at any point in our relationship, outside of a few practical matters about life-long commitment, which were acknowledged and dismissed. To be very honest, I have never felt more comfortable or accepted with a woman in my life, and that was wonderful. This ease I felt around her might have resulted in complacency on my part. I'm very surprised she stayed on that ride for so long.

 

I have to admit that I do not consider myself middle-aged. Being quite bookish growing up, and with a socially awkward father and an emotional hurricane of a mother, I never fully realized the realities or intricacies of interpersonal relations or the sorts of things that I consider adulthood, and am resignedly mystified by them. I'm totally ignorant about the process and emotional sensation of adult decision-making. I have no idea what that feels like or how it should work.

 

I might not have considered myself fully invested in the relationship because I felt quite infantile in it, having remade myself almost entirely in the few years preceding meeting the girl. New job, new body, nearly new everything. Thank you for your very insightful post.

[mustard]

At the heart of the matter Mustard.

 

"I had a bad divorce ten years ago that turned me off on the idea, and my parents werent very good role models of a healthy partnership."

 

and

 

" but it's very hard to let go of the idea that since it has happened once, it could happen again.

"

 

Until you work through these issues and make peace with them I fear relationships are going to be difficult for you.

 

It isn't IMO about being what you call a loner.

 

Perhaps, she is not the right girl.

 

If you think that you have commitment issues, then maybe you should consult a therapist to work through your trust issues.

 

I'm setting up therapy. This behavior has to stop.

[Rose Mosse]

You seem emotionally blocked. I'm not sure if I'm reading this right - you're stuck in limbo. Maybe these are commitment issues as the final byproduct but if it is, go through those layers in private with yourself or with a therapist and ask yourself those difficult questions about your past. You may have left out a big component which I'm learning about myself... forgiveness. It sounds very trite and holier than thou but I'm starting to practice more gratitude and forgiveness for big and little things that don't always go right in life - also forgiving myself for the mistakes I've made (though they be few and far between... just kidding).

 

It sounds like the relationship was a bit neglected and it happens. It is ok to feel sad.

[mustard]

You seem emotionally blocked. I'm not sure if I'm reading this right - you're stuck in limbo. Maybe these are commitment issues as the final byproduct but if it is, go through those layers in private with yourself or with a therapist and ask yourself those difficult questions about your past. You may have left out a big component which I'm learning about myself... forgiveness. It sounds very trite and holier than thou but I'm starting to practice more gratitude and forgiveness for big and little things that don't always go right in life - also forgiving myself for the mistakes I've made (though they be few and far between... just kidding).

 

It sounds like the relationship was a bit neglected and it happens. It is ok to feel sad.

 

I do feel blocked, like things build up and then some event happens and it's all there. I agree that the relationship became a bit neglected or taken for granted. We'd spent a lot of time together under quarantine and I felt a bit restricted generally, but not because of the relationship. I spent a one or two nights a week at my place just to make use of it and have some alone time. On one occassion, my ex wasn't feeling well and I went back to my place. I asked her if this was okay and if she'd be alright on her own, and she said it was fine. ONly after the breakup did she reveal that she really needed me there, and felt unimportant. She says she didn't want to seem needy by asking me to stay.

[Rose Mosse]

Do you mean to say that you were spending 4-5 days and nights at her place at a time? Or most of your time there? That seems exhausting. Why, do you mind me asking, were you spending so many nights over there? It's good to recharge and spend the majority of time at your own place. This seems to be a bit of a gray area - both of you were neither living together but pseudo-living together.

 

I don't think it falls completely on you. If she needed you there, she could have communicated it as well and both of you should be balancing your time a little better or not joined at the hip, so to speak. She needs to stand on her own two feet also and not expect you to be a mindreader. Ultimately her issues are her issues. It's not on you to fix her. Work more on communicating clearly. If you're not sure you can always ask someone if they'd rather have your company or be alone. Past that, it's not on you to be her safety net or parent. Don't slip into that unhealthy place. I feel like you're assuming a lot of the burden and guilt in the break up.

[mustard]

I am carrying a lot of guilt. Yes, I spent at least 4-5 days and nights at her place for the last three months of the relationship. It was easy and for the most part conflict-free, but I do need a little breathing room. With everything closed and cold, rainy weather, the only real way to get some alone time was to go back to my own apartment.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I'm not sure how she didn't feel stifled herself. There should be some degree of independence in the relationship too. I'm not a fan of one person solving another's issues or swooping in to micromanage in a relationship. Both of you are adults. She can take care of herself.

 

Take care of yourself now.

[mustard]

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I'm not sure how she didn't feel stifled herself. There should be some degree of independence in the relationship too. I'm not a fan of one person solving another's issues or swooping in to micromanage in a relationship. Both of you are adults. She can take care of herself.

 

Take care of yourself now.

 

I keep thinking of other ways I could have handled our conflicts. Just before she called it quits, I'd had a conversation with her about her weight which almost certainly pushed her over the edge. Over the course of our relationship, she'd made comments about how she feels like I'm out of her league and that when we go out in public people wonder why I'm with her. At first I thought she was complimenting me or seeking some reassurance, but over time I began to see it was a real issue. She is carrying about thirty to forty extra pounds and it wasn't an issue for me. I tried to tell her that I thougth she might feel better about herself if she made some positive changes and that I'd support her in this. She asked me if I would find her more attractive if she were thinner and I answered honestly, saying that yes, I would enjoy being able to see more of her hips and musculature, but that I still thought she was gorgeous. Though she was very upset, her early response was promising, counting calories and joining me on bike rides. Over a few days, something went south and she became almost inconsolable at one point. She said I didn't love her unconditionally and that she would never be confident with me.

 

I was trying to help and I repeatedly said I wasn't considering ending the relationship over this issue. I don't know what else I could have done. I obviously could have let it slide but I felt like we were at a turning point and that her insecurity/inadequacy would worsen over time. I tried very, very hard to have an extraordinarily sensitive conversation and I failed.

[Wiseman2]

Ok this is a valuable lesson. The woman you are sleeping with (or hope to) is always beautiful and fine just the way she is. You now know that the answer to the "does this make me look fat?" question is Never, under any circumstances, "well sorta".

She asked me if I would find her more attractive if she were thinner and I answered honestly, saying that yes

[mustard]

It's been a month since the breakup, and three weeks since I've heard from her. The urge to reach out is unbearably strong. i've started therapy and it helps me understand why I'm feeling this way and why i made the choices I did. I'm hopelessly avoidant. I've started sleeping with someone and I'm upfront about where I am emotionally, and she understands. It helps to have a connection, however tenuous and borne out of triage.

 

I miss my ex incredibly and my mornings are psychological chaos: I'm angry and hurt and guilty and grieving all at once. I open an email several times a day and just write, letting them sit in my drafts folder. I'm incredulous that I put myself back in this place again.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. Whatever the circumstances, I think what you're experiencing right now is kind of how it goes for the first month. Kind of how it goes, really, until you get through this moment. Not words that make it easier, I know, but maybe they can help you judge these feelings less, react to them less, and instead just sit with them as they fester and eventually pass.

 

On the subject of reactions? I understand how a new sexual companion can be something of a salve—been there, plenty. But if you reflect back, is this not similar to how the relationship you're presently mourning started? You finding someone who would be "okay" and "understanding" with your state of complete emotional unavailability? A night becoming a week becoming a month becoming years? You feeling kind of good, in the moment, while also being kind of surprised that someone would "stay for the ride" given how little you had to offer? Might be worth thinking about, or not, as you see fit.

 

Validation is powerful stuff, and there's no validation quite like sex and affection. But when what's being validated is a version of ourselves that we're not happy with, the very validation can become a bit like an anchor, pulling us down and away from where we want to go. You're 41 right now. Great age. (I'll be right there with you in a few months!) Take a moment and think about where you want to be at 42, at 45, and what kind of connections (with yourself, with others) you want to define that period. Then ask if the choices you're making right now are getting you closer to that, or further.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm sorry. I didn't see your response on Jul 6. Perhaps the relationship wasn't as enjoyable or fulfilling on both sides, regardless of weight or size. I think it's better to voice differences if you can't get past them or if you don't find the other person attractive anymore. It may hurt for a bit but the other person will get over it and both of you are able to lead happier (separate) lives. What I want to address most is the guilt you're feeling.

 

This is all still very fresh too. The mess is normal. Feeling out of sorts, psychologically screwed up, upset, crying all the time and going into withdrawals and panic attacks are not unusual. Keep writing if it helps you but don't send any emails.

 

About that guilt: Let go of that. I think guilt is the most damaging of the emotions you've mentioned above because it implies that you've done something so wrong that you are unable to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is the gateway, to me, in rebirth or renewal. If we turn the tables around, she too eventually will have to forgive your comments in order to move on with her life without being bitter and angry towards others or, worse, towards herself and the way she looks.

 

You, on the other hand, should also understand that she's an adult and able to govern her own actions, moderate her own behaviours and emotions and her life, weight, body, mind, soul does not belong to you and nor is it dependent on you whether she thrives or not. She is her own person so let go of that guilt.

 

The way I see it is this: two different people on two different paths. Appreciate the memories but try not to let them get in the way of you experiencing more and living a full life. This isn't the end for you. Work through that guilt and travel light. Don't carry that around.

[mustard]

Thanks for the reply bluecastle. I suppose this is all pretty standard stuff to experience. Therapy has been incredibly illuminating, talking about why I struggle with true intimacy, why I might stifle expressions of love and affection, why I seem so indifferent as the relationship fails but feel so terrible after it all ends. It's pretty textbook avoidant attachment behavior.

 

I'm unsure if this new girl is the right thing to do, but she's communicated to me that she finds talking to and being around me to be a healing experience for herself, getting back into the dating world after an extended hiatus following what she tells me was a very rough relationship. I check-in on her feelings about me occasionally to make sure we're not getting into places that can damage anything. It may be selfish but I definitely feel a little steadier as I process everything.

[mustard]

You, on the other hand, should also understand that she's an adult and able to govern her own actions, moderate her own behaviours and emotions and her life, weight, body, mind, soul does not belong to you and nor is it dependent on you whether she thrives or not. She is her own person so let go of that guilt.

 

The way I see it is this: two different people on two different paths. Appreciate the memories but try not to let them get in the way of you experiencing more and living a full life. This isn't the end for you. Work through that guilt and travel light. Don't carry that around.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying to let go of that guilt but it's hard. I know she makes her own decisions about how to respond or otherwise handle being hurt, but it's hard to think I shouldn't have done things differently. In many respects the relationship was the best I'd ever had.