Feels like I've finally found love in a very unusual place..

[Gmx49]

Tiny dance I am aware that I wrote a similar post the other night. This is my third day on this site and I didn't state that I didn't think the original post posted, I said I thought it got lost and or even further more possibly deleted. I'm not sure how long these threads last as again I am new to the site, and I thought maybe I could get more responses to which I did. I mean really, if you think about it why would I lie about that? I mean I don't understand the benefit you'd think I'd have if I did lie. I so happen to find the first post, and I already gave you a direct response that addresses everything you pretty much rewrote on this one. Yes I am aware of what a stripper's profession entails. Yes I agree that I don't know what romantic love is. And actually I received some great input today. I enjoy this site very much so far. But I find some users that have a subjective sense of what is written, and create false narratives. I'm not here to win a contest, and I'm also not on here to be accused of being a liar. I'm not here to waste my time or anyone else's. I am here because I am troubled and I am reaching out just like a lot of people on here.

[Gmx49]

Blue Castle thanks again, you are a true MVP

[Tinydance]

Tiny dance I am aware that I wrote a similar post the other night. This is my third day on this site and I didn't state that I didn't think the original post posted, I said I thought it got lost and or even further more possibly deleted. I'm not sure how long these threads last as again I am new to the site, and I thought maybe I could get more responses to which I did. I mean really, if you think about it why would I lie about that? I mean I don't understand the benefit you'd think I'd have if I did lie. I so happen to find the first post, and I already gave you a direct response that addresses everything you pretty much rewrote on this one. Yes I am aware of what a stripper's profession entails. Yes I agree that I don't know what romantic love is. And actually I received some great input today. I enjoy this site very much so far. But I find some users that have a subjective sense of what is written, and create false narratives. I'm not here to win a contest, and I'm also not on here to be accused of being a liar. I'm not here to waste my time or anyone else's. I am here because I am troubled and I am reaching out just like a lot of people on here.

 

OK, that is fair enough :) Have you considered trying to go on dates with some other women? Or you don't feel you're ready yet after your split from your wife?

[Jibralta]

I'm just kind of putting this out there since I've decided it best not to share with family and friends. I think this is a great outlet for me so far just hearing out different perspectives.

 

That's good, but unfortunately I think the best perspective you're going to get in this matter is your own, three or four years into the future, when you come back to read what you've written here.

 

I suspect by that point, this girl will be long gone, the feelings will have faded, and you will have had time to logically evaluate the actual situation (and the wreckage that likely ensued).

 

I think these feelings that you describe are very temporary, but since they are also very potent you will not be able to clearly evaluate the decisions you make based upon them. It will take years for you to be able to see your mistakes.

 

I went back and read your first thread. It's good that you told your therapist about this lady. Keep talking to your therapist about her. Keeping her a secret is just making things more of a dream.

[Jibralta]

I guess one of my problems is not grasping the concept of love.. I feel like I'm incapable of loving just anyone, and I think maybe that's where a lot of my problems stem from. I'm not a shallow person, it's not all just because of her looks as I think all women are beautiful in one way or another. Like I said I've never felt these types of feelings for anyone before. Going forward I'm just going to work on myself and really dig deep to see what the hell is going on.

 

I don't think you're incapable of loving certain people or that you are a shallow person. I think that "love between equals" has never been modeled for you by your parents and family. Love seems to have always been a caretaker arrangement in your life. No surprise that, as a result, like you say, the concept of love is hard for you to grasp. And no surprise that you are comfortable with another arrangement where you are basically a provider/caretaker.

 

I think you're posting on here because you've become aware of your patterns and you are questioning yourself. That's good, because you can change your outlook if you want to. You can't change other people, but you can change yourself.

 

Growing up with parents that basically hated each other, I didn't believe there was any value to romantic relationships for a long time. When I saw couples, I always imagined an undercurrent of resentment between them. Fortunately, I see things differently now.

 

My guess is you fear a real relationship with someone you'd have to deal with as an equal.

 

I don't know if you realize it, but being a caretaker puts you in a position of power. Someone else relies on you and you never rely on them. It's similar when you have zero expectations of the person that you fall in love with. To say that she can do whatever she wants while you wait around patiently in love like Forest Gump is again an instance of control and power: you are giving permission ahead of time. To give permission, you have to be an authority. To govern, your decisions have to be worth inherently more.

 

But obviously, this power an illusion when you are governing people who are compromised by addiction, disability, and psychological problems. Power is also illusory when you attach yourself to emotionally unavailable people and make excuses for them. You think you avoid rejection by pre-authorizing their dismissive behavior. But you're really just in denial.

 

The true test of power and self worth is your ability to negotiate a relationship with an equal. That's where rejection becomes an unavoidable risk.

 

The question is, are you being honest with yourself about what you really want in life?

 

Keep investing in something like this and you can basically ensure that, come 35 or 40 or 45, you'll still be thinking of yourself in the same tragic terms you've outlined above.

[reinventmyself]

I don't think you're incapable of loving certain people or that you are a shallow person. I think that "love between equals" has never been modeled for you by your parents and family. Love seems to have always been a caretaker arrangement in your life. No surprise that, as a result, like you say, the concept of love is hard for you to grasp. And no surprise that you are comfortable with another arrangement where you are basically a provider/caretaker.

 

I think you're posting on here because you've become aware of your patterns and you are questioning yourself. That's good, because you can change your outlook if you want to. You can't change other people, but you can change yourself.

 

Growing up with parents that basically hated each other, I didn't believe there was any value to romantic relationships for a long time. When I saw couples, I always imagined an undercurrent of resentment between them. Fortunately, I see things differently now.

 

 

 

I don't know if you realize it, but being a caretaker puts you in a position of power. Someone else relies on you and you never rely on them. It's similar when you have zero expectations of the person that you fall in love with. To say that she can do whatever she wants while you wait around patiently in love like Forest Gump is again an instance of control and power: you are giving permission ahead of time. To give permission, you have to be an authority. To govern, your decisions have to be worth inherently more.

 

But obviously, this power an illusion when you are governing people who are compromised by addiction, disability, and psychological problems. Power is also illusory when you attach yourself to emotionally unavailable people and make excuses for them. You think you avoid rejection by pre-authorizing their dismissive behavior. But you're really just in denial.

 

The true test of power and self worth is your ability to negotiate a relationship with an equal. That's where rejection becomes an unavoidable risk.

 

The question is, are you being honest with yourself about what you really want in life?

wow. . good stuff J