No Contact Question

[bluecastle]

I'll riff on this, and the connections between these two things, in hopes it pertains to OP or anyone else stumbling about the forum.

 

I don't understand why people can't just be open and clear and honest in their intentions.

 

I don't think people always know their intentions when going about the business of life. It's hardly a crime, but very human. Our viewfinders get a little fuzzy thanks to our ability to hold an extraordinary amount of thoughts and feelings in our brains at any given moment, many of them contradictory. It's what makes us interesting, of course, if quite frustrating.

 

I will admit I get stuck in circular reasoning which is one of the reasons I have begun reading this message board, to try and figure out why my brain goes there and to learn how to think more appropriately.

 

It's a coping mechanism, a way of avoiding the full weight of pain, uncertainty, and reality. It's basically trying to outthink reality, or rethink reality into a shape that is more bearable, even pleasurable. Very human as well, like trying to stay warm on a winter night by imagining a fire rather than sitting next to one. It'll work for a bit, get you through a cold night. But hypothermia is hypothermia: stay out too many nights and it will eventually win the battle against the fire your imagination was building.

 

In this story? When all you've got for warmth is Facebook and what a third party said about potential interpretations of Facebook activity you are basically hypothermic. Time to accept that real warmth is going to be found elsewhere: within, for starters, and then, likely, alongside another person once the real logs are crackling again.

[MaybeThen]

 

I don't think people always know their intentions when going about the business of life. It's hardly a crime, but very human. Our viewfinders get a little fuzzy thanks to our ability to hold an extraordinary amount of thoughts and feelings in our brains at any given moment, many of them contradictory. It's what makes us interesting, of course, if quite frustrating.

 

This is very true, but also makes things more difficult, IMO. How do you (in general) shell out advice, when we really truly don't know what the hell is going on in people's brains, when even they don't often know. In this situation, OP tells us his observations, which are riddled in his own biases/hopes which has the potential to poison the advice received. I suppose that's why it's important to be able to say things like, "Maybe she felt 'such and such way', but we cant presume to know, so we need to toss that aside and deal with the facts we can make out"

 

In the end, isn't all the advice still based on trying to determine what is true, or taking things for face-value as the truth? People lie. Then you have to try to decode that, too.

 

It's a coping mechanism, a way of avoiding the full weight of pain, uncertainty, and reality. It's basically trying to outthink reality, or rethink reality into a shape that is more bearable, even pleasurable.

 

I personally started doing it after I found out I believed a lie for many, many years. I never wanted to believe a lie again, so I take situations and try to break them down and pick them apart, and look at every possibility as to not ever be taken for a ride. Predominantly, I catastrophize situations. But I end up going down a rabbit hole I can't pick my brain out of, and I wonder how other people are able to see things so clearly.

 

In this story? When all you've got for warmth is Facebook and what a third party said about potential interpretations of Facebook activity you are basically hypothermic.

 

This is actually a good comment into the mind of investigating what might actually be going on. In OP's case, I suppose there really isn't anything but hopefully "possibilities" via "what ifs" and "maybes"

[MaybeThen]

Have you seen the Tarantino movie where Aldo the Apache (Brad Pitt) says something to the effect "I don't like fighting in a basement... because it involves fighting in a basement"?

 

The OP started with a paragraph about -

 

[1] the ex saying something (which may well have been not really truthful) to mutual friend who

 

[2] proceeded to translate/interpret it and tell the OP, which

 

[3] the OP has then interpreted in his own mind and produced a summary version here.

 

I strongly recommend OP, that you do not base anything you do now on third hand hearsay ... because it is third hand hearsay.

 

Good, simple, explanation. Makes perfect sense.

 

So, if we take what we do know about his situation, things she has said directly to him: "I'm overwhelmed," "I feel like I'm living for other people," and then she cut contact - How do you decode something like that as her genuinely being done with him? I know that sounds like a ludicrous question, as those statements are very bold and straight forward, but read on:

 

Many moons ago, I had met a girl I really, really liked. I had a sudden death in my family, and went into mourning. I knew how I mourned. I knew I couldn't give her any of my time, but I really liked her. So, I told her that: "I really like you, but I just suffered a loss and will probably not see the light of day for the next 2 months and it isn't fair for you." I remember saying something to the tune of I'd get in contact with her down the road. Thing is, I meant it, and I did contact her a couple months later. And we ended up having a relationship that lasted for several really lovely years. But, I have seen this similar story pop up over and over, all of the time on relationship boards where someone says the typical "We should go our separate ways" variation, especially the ones where they add in, "Maybe in the future..." . And everyone says that person is done. But, I said that, and I wasn't done. I wonder if the girl I said that to had posted on a message board, what wouldn't have became of us. Because everyone would have likely told her "If he wanted to be with you, he would, move on!"

 

So when I see these similar scenarios pop up, and everyone is quick to say it's over, that's not what is meant every single time. In my mind, in OP's case, the facebook scenario throws me off. If I had said that, and intended to be back, but the individual removed me from social media, I would be alarmed and just move on with my life assuming she was done, even though I wasn't. (Which, halt! Ok, I see I can't project imagined scenarios and what I "would have done" onto someone else)

 

But, how are you guys figuring scenarios like this out? In OPs case, is it the potentially-shaky foundation of the relationship, the lack of intention to follow-up on her end, and how opened-ended it is that basically puts him in a position of limbo he just needs to move on from?

[RayRay63]

But, I said that, and I wasn't done.

 

But that doesn't sound like there was a relationship at that point; if there was, you ended it so it was done.

 

After you did your grieving, and perhaps learned and improved as an experienced person, and possibly she learned some things herself, there was a new relationship that happened to have the two of you in it.

 

BTW, I would have said, give him the time and space he asked for, do not contact him, and when he gets in touch decide then - but do not hang around waiting for him.

[dr_loomis7]

Hello all,

I really had no idea this thread was still going but I appreciate the conversation. It has been about 5 weeks since she ended things with me and hopefully I can provide some more details now that I've healed a bit. We have not talked since our final email 5 weeks ago and haven't seen each other since that one night running into each other in public.

 

I'm going to try to clear up some confusion or least explain it better.

 

She did tell me she needed to "find herself" and that she was afraid if she stayed with me she wouldn't go after things she that would be good for her because she could possibly inconvenience me. The main example was being if she found a job in a different state, she wouldn't go for it because it might inconvenience me. She also said that she lost touch with her friends since dating me and her life pretty much was my life and of course about how she started dating me too soon after her breakup. I told her I didn't want to break up and I hoped she found someone who made her happy and that she was a great girlfriend and I enjoyed our time together.

 

After she left was when I unfriended her and I didn't unfriend her out of spite or anything malicious, I knew if I didn't, I was going to check her profile. Blocking wasn't an option nor hiding her from my feed because I'd still look her up and I knew that. In retrospect, I regret that decision because with that and telling her I hoped she found someone who made her happy, I may have inadvertently closed the door. And that is my big fear. Yes she can contact me but if she thinks I hate her or am angry (which neither is true) I could see why she wouldn't.

 

Both of us had had issues with communication in the past. We had tried working on it and being more open but we both failed in various areas.

 

Our mutual friend met with her (without my knowledge) after the breakup and told me what she said about taking a break vs breaking up and the FB thing. I'm still not sure any details other than that and it is hearsay.

 

As to the years comment, we've known each other 2 years. We became good friends and then started dating after she broke up with her bf.

 

So much I wish I would've asked if it was a break or break up or if I should reach out to her. I get that she could always reach out to me but if she thinks I've moved on, why would she? I also feel that reaching out to her would break her request of giving her space. I may be way overthinking it but I want to honor her wishes.

 

Hope that gives a little more clarity.

[ThatwasThen]

Breaks are just the preliminary to an actual break up. Do your best to stop thinking it COULD be anything else.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, unfortunately this is the case. "Breaks" are like getting something pre-approved.

Breaks are just the preliminary to an actual break up. Do your best to stop thinking it COULD be anything else.

[RayRay63]

Doc, and I am referring right back to your first post where you said you realized the things she said were "code" -

 

How long after the prior BF did you two get together? If it was a rebound for her, it has run its course, that is all.

 

You need to stop worrying about whether you "shut the door" etc.

 

Her reasons for breaking with you sound like excuses to me. Or only part of the truth. If she truly wanted to be with you she wouldn't look for a job in another town.

 

She ended it, not you. Nothing you did, in cutting her off, adversely affected any chance of reconciliation. What would affect that chance, negatively, would be staying in contact and validating her decision, by being a doormat.

 

Stick to your guns. You are going OK.

[dr_loomis7]

Doc, and I am referring right back to your first post where you said you realized the things she said were "code" -

 

How long after the prior BF did you two get together? If it was a rebound for her, it has run its course, that is all.

 

You need to stop worrying about whether you "shut the door" etc.

 

Her reasons for breaking with you sound like excuses to me. Or only part of the truth. If she truly wanted to be with you she wouldn't look for a job in another town.

 

She ended it, not you. Nothing you did, in cutting her off, adversely affected any chance of reconciliation. What would affect that chance, negatively, would be staying in contact and validating her decision, by being a doormat.

 

Stick to your guns. You are going OK.

 

We got together very shortly. Too shortly and you're most likely right about me being the rebound (although I hate to think of it that way).

 

Other friends of mine has said the same thing about her reasons being excuses. She pretty much threw every cliche at me "it's not you, it's me", "I need to find myself", "I don't want to be in a relationship right now".

 

Thank you for the validation, I've been beating myself up thinking I've done the wrong thing. I would love to try to work this out but I know that I need to heal and start to move on as well.