Please help me get rid of the false hope

[sadgirl_april]

I broke up from a 15 months relationship last Saturday. I thought he loved me. He had trouble expressing feelings so I never pressed him to say the L word. I thought his behaviors said his love already. He called me every week to arrange weekend plans since the first week we met. He took me to fun places restaurants movies. He always let me decide if we wished for different activities. He paid most of the bills without hesitate. He remembered I liked coffee but couldn't get it in the office regularly, he bought coffee in the can for me. He taped ice skating shows when I went skiing with friends. He openned the car door for me every time we went out in his car. He came to carry the new computer I bought when I couldn't carry it to my apartment. He said he always wanted to get married someday. He gave me stuff animals and named them, and played like they called him daddy. I always thought we'd end up together.

 

Well things were a little rocky for the recent 2 weeks. We had some disagreements and he was upset with me for several days. We kind of made up on Saturday and things looked fine. After sex we started chatting, he said marriage had nothing to do with love, people fall in and fall out of love all the time. He said compatibility friendship respect and commitment make good marriage. I was shocked, I asked him if he loved me. He said "I care for you".

 

I was really upset. I got up and told him he should consider breaking up with me. He asked why, I said I could never marry without love. He asked "you don't love me?", I said "you don't love me, I need both". He looked upset and stood there. After a while he said "you won't be happy with me, you should find somebody else". So we broke up. He said many years ago he thought he was in love, now he is not sure what love is, if love is just hormon and needs.

 

I can't believe he didn't love me, but he remained very nice to me. He made me feel loved. Why? What's wrong with me? I always think my guts are quite accurate, how can I be so wrong with observing people?

 

The next day I was crying at home. I sent him an email asking him to remain friends with me. He replied we could give it a try. He said sorry he should have told me how he felt earlier so I could move on. I noticed he removed yahoo messenger -- I have only one person in the chat list, that's him. He basically has only me in his list. I emailed him saying it is a pity I wished the yahoo messenger was still there. He put it back the next day. We are talking one email a day, like the way in the past except these emails are shorter and no future or weekend plan is mentioned.

 

I know it is highly unlikely we will get back together. I can't be in a relationship without the promise of love. He, as a macho guy, probably won't take me back after me initiating the breakup. Especially if he never loved me, he probably felt relief after I left. I don't know if he ever loved me, I can't ask him now. We are just friend now and we can only talk about small things in life.

 

My brain is telling me he and I aren't compatible anyway. We got along but that is because I am easy going with almost everybody. He once said we were totally incompatible. When I asked him, he said that was exaggerating. He liked to criticize me (well he likes to criticize many things to be exact), like I dropped small pieces when eating bread on his dinning table, like I am not aggressive enough to want career promotions, like I make statements such as "I don't need money" as if I am not ambitious as him, like I am a liberal (he thinks so) and liberals don't know economics (in his opinion). YET my heart is still fond of him, despite all the pains I am going through. I want to cut my heart out and donate it!

 

I still have the slightest hope that we'd be together. I miss his hugs.

 

Please somebody tell me I am stupid in keeping that hope. I need people to tell me he never loved me and never will. Please tell me to move on. I know I need to move on.

[daisy215]

I'm in the same exact situation as you! I was with my ex for 1 year and he never said it either. He told me that "it's not that I don't feel I don't know why I can't say it." He also said "I've wanted to tell you before and something is just holding me back." I just feel like if he really loved me and if I was really the one for him he would be able to tell me. It hurts so much, but it's getting easier. (We broke up 3 months ago). I still miss him and I still hope one day he'll wake up and go "I was being so stupid." But I can't count on that either. Hang in there, there's nothing wrong with you! It'll get better!

[DN]

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck - it's a duck!!

 

I wonder if he knows what love is - because everything he said and did seemed like he does but doesn't recognise it or can't or won't admit it.

 

Other than the annoying criticisms (are you sure you could tolerate that long-term?)

 

Anyway, I wouldn't give up on this quite yet. But guard your heart, I hasten to add.

 

Call him up - ask him to talk. If he will then ask him to tell you what he wants from a relationship. Make it about him and what he wants - see what he says.

 

don't hope - but just ask.

[MiquelAngelo]

Listen to your heart. I once met a women who told me she wasn't in love when she got married, Nowadays she's divorced and living alone .

I told her I would NEVER marry a woman who didn't love me. I prefer to be alone (which is what I'll be anyway if I marry without love)

 

You did the right thing, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

[allein]

i'm in the same situation, only my gf used to tell me all the time how much she loved me. she still says it actually, but told me now she doesn't know if she's 'in' love w/me. For me love is pretty straight forward, either I do or I don't. I don't understand those people stuck in the middle. Good luck to you.

[amilasiu]

this is exactly like my ex-boyfriend - no "I love you", odd criticisms all the time, etc etc etc

 

I stuck with him for 3 (wasted) years, so I congratulate you for quitting it earlier - I should have done the same. I just know that men like that will not change - your relationship would have gotten only worse if you'd have stayed.

[sadgirl_april]

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck - it's a duck!!

 

I wonder if he knows what love is - because everything he said and did seemed like he does but doesn't recognise it or can't or won't admit it.

 

Other than the annoying criticisms (are you sure you could tolerate that long-term?)

 

Anyway, I wouldn't give up on this quite yet. But guard your heart, I hasten to add.

 

Call him up - ask him to talk. If he will then ask him to tell you what he wants from a relationship. Make it about him and what he wants - see what he says.

 

don't hope - but just ask.

 

DN: I am having this slightest hope for the same reason: I suspect he loves me but refused to admit it. I already know what he wants from a relationship: a compatible marriage that never goes to divorce. He is 39 and he makes frequent remarks like Jenifer Lopez is such a bad marriage material because she obviously took marriage lightly. I agree that marriage is a comitment for life. However, the lack of love component is his marriage requirements made me nervous.

 

I forgot to mention his online dating profile had been up there all the time. We had disagreements with this issue recently for two weeks. He wouldn't pull it off, saying he had pulled it off in the past and ended up breaking up, then had to post his profile again. He planned to keep it there until he is engaged or married.

 

He said I could call him if I wanted to talk. He also mentioned knowing that I dislike using phones he guessed I probably wouldn't call him. I haven't called him since the breakup, just emails so far. His email mentioned he was sorry he didn't feel the way I wanted him to feel about me. That crushed me, making me feel my hopes are likely false hopes.

 

HOW should I find out if he had real feelings for me? We are friends now, is it appropriate to ask him relationship topics any more?

[Mun]

Wow I could have written this story. Sounds very much like the last guy I dated. He was divorced --his wife cheated on him repeatedly--and he just couldn't or wouldn't love again.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. In my experience we too went back to being just friends, talking about trivial things. Chit chatting but always keeping it on the surface...no more emotional talk. We kept it polite, but I started to move on. Maybe you should do the same.

 

If he doesn't want to be more involved than he already is.. can you live with that? Looks to me like at this moment you want very different things. You can't live hoping he will change his mind... you have to remember what YOU want and not settle.

[goddess23]

i know im young but i can relate. my ex told me he loved me. and he meant it but it was like AT THAT MOMENT. he literally goes from liking me to not liking me to loving me day by day! hes soo messed. and yet i love him. i know i do even though i hate to admit it. we dealt for 9 months (consider it was both our first relatiosnhip and its high school lol)...and then he claimed confusion. i was totally hearbroken. and even though there was the possibility of getting back together (the first couple of weeks after the breakup we were talking and acting like we were together) i had to tell myself theres NO HOPE. right now try and be friends but honestly i think after a breakup you need some time ALONE away from that person to move on. you can be friends later on but not right away. as we drifted and time passed my heart ached watching us drift. but i pretended and told myself it was ok and eventually thats how i felt. well 6 months after breaking up we started talking and flirting again like crazy and sort of got back together and thats been going on for 2 months. but now he knows he doesnt love me anymroe and it hurts really bad but i just cant let go. i dont know your EXACT RELATIONSIHP but as of right now take a break take a bretaher and tell yourself its over. otherwise you're going to hurt yourself and delay the healing process. he seems to be in a place right now where he doesnt appreciate you and you need better. best of luck!! he seems to not know what love is. and you know what as far as him loving you ever....well you can ask him straight up. i asked my ex a couple times....because if you have unanswered questions that will also delay the healing process.

[DN]

You should be able to ask friends anything so ask him.

[sadgirl_april]

Thank you guys. Thanks DN. Just an update. Well, I met him on Sunday. He was coming to fix some computer problems for me on his way to work out. He ended up playing poker on my computer after fixing my virus software. We played for more than 2 hours (he definitely missed his workout). I was hungry and I tried to heat something in the microwave, he asked to eat outside, so we went outside. He was talking on and on about his work, I listened (just like our regular date in the past). The bill came he was going to pay for me (like in the past), I put my part on the table. He told me I was not allowed to do that. I insisted I'd pay my part. Then we walked back to my place, he asked if he could come up for a minute. I said ok. He came up, sat on the couch and started watching TV. I was hoping he would talk about the breakup or the relationship, but he didn't. But soon he started touching me. I was surprised and told him no. He tried again. I said "no, we are friends we are not supposed to do this". He begged. I was upset he agreed to be my friend in order to have sex with me. He said I shouldn't be upset when somebody finds me attractive. I told him since he had no real feelings for me, no way I'd have sex with him because I would feel bad about myself that way. He disagreed that he had no real feelings for me, saying what he said was he cared for me. He looked a bit upset from the rejection of sex, I told him it was not personal, I wouldn't do this with anybody in this situation, and any girl would want to have sex with him. I started to hold his hand while saying that. All through the night he was just begging for sex. He later said it was difficult to be friends with women and he mentioned the movie "When Harry met Sally". I said I could make myself look ugly in front of him and then we could be friends. He said it would be difficult. Eventually I cried. He agreed to keep contact and be friends. When he was leaving, he said he hardly even said the love word to his ex-gf, whom he was engaged to. He said it was probably once or twice but not often. I answered "at least you felt it once and said it". We hugged and he joked "you miss me don't you". I admitted I did, and asked him if he missed me, he said of course. We hugged again and he left.

My question is, what are his real feelings about me? It is impossible to ask him, he avoided emotional topics all night and kept talking about the TV program or his work. Was he coming for sex? (he had no condm in his pockets, I checked. He thought I was flirting when I checked his pockets. ) I don't want to miss a true love. But he did not say anything remotely close this past week. Maybe I should move on. Please please tell me something negative about this false hope. I need to kill it before I move on.

[DN]

I think you should tell him that, as much as you love him and want to be with him, you can't be in this situation as it is and unless he wants what you want, you have to move on.

[Mun]

You probably see the great relationship you could have and the happiness he could bring, but you need to stay in the here and now. Right now he is resisting you.

 

I think you know what you need to do. He may love you, but if he is not looking for the same thing you are then he is only taking up your time. How much longer are you willing to wait for him to get his act together?

 

In my case it took me a little over a year to move on, but I did and I'm glad. The last time we talked he told me " I just don't want to start over at all -with anyone" Nothing more honest and clear than that. He's been divorced for 2 years now and each relationship he's had he has always kept one foot out the door.

 

I'll tell you this though : It is so "easy" with someone who does want to be with you that you wonder why you wasted so much time...

[stickman]

I understand how hard it is.

 

My exGF broke up with me 7 weeks ago. I ONLY now see more of the signs.... after beating myself up for so long now. She always had one foot out the door. Her guard was always up even when she did say "I love you".....4 1/2 years....

 

As I have have learned here....she had been thinking about the idea for awhile..... then, when I was at my worst and needed her the most, she was gone.... and now with another.

 

She did the RITUAL cleaning of her place. Like she did with all of her old boyfriends. Nothing to remind her of me. Only a few photo's in her locked hope chest in her bedroom. Now, when I think about it. She never gave me one thing special that I could keep forever. ONLY A red tie from my first Christmas is all.....and the many photos that only "I" took. The diamonds I gave her......I wonder.....maybe she does not wear those either.

 

I finally cleansed myself of her last night. GOD knows that was very hard. Deleted all the photo's off of my computer.

 

I still dont have all my answers. But, I am very very slowly getting better. I am going to change ME. That has needed done for awhile. That's all I can do. I move to a new place in a week.

 

I will plant a tree or plant to watch grow.....as it grows, I will heal.

[sadgirl_april]

muneca, I am not sure if it is so "easy" with someone who does want to be with you. I hope you are right. With this guy, it is easy to be with him, he did all the caring things, called me, talked to me, arranged fun things for weekends, talked about children, bought me gifts, I thought he loved me! I just have trouble finding out IF he has any feelings more than "care for me".

 

DN: I am not sure if I can tell him I love him. I feel so rejected I am embarrassed to tell him this. I think he knows I will move on. The first email after we broke up, he said perhaps he should have told me how he felt earlier so I could move on. I am starting to feel that maybe he had no love feelings for me, that's why he resisted telling me any. Otherwise why wouldn't he tell me?

 

My emotions are in a mess now. I don't know if I will feel weak on the weekend and want to see him again.

[bittersweetly healed]

stickman i feel the same exact way you do. you and i sound like we were the relationship instead of it consisting of both partners. mine dumped me just like that after 3 years and well its hard to believe they dont think of you at all. im sure it happens. but like you said about planting a tree and as it grows, you grow- see i have a bruise on my arm from when we were play fighting a day before the breakup...when that bruise heals, so will the one in my heart.

[sadgirl_april]

Another update. Yesterday (Friday) after I got home, I started chatting with him online. He was talking quite a bit with me, telling me about his progress at work, his business lunch, his poker winning, recent TV shows, new movie in the theater. Unfortunately when I asked emotional stuff, like why he showed no emotions towards me or towards other women, he resisted answering me. He said "we broke up, do I have to go through this emotion discussion again?" I said no and apologized for pushing him. I said it would help me for the future if he answered my questions. He suggested that we talk on the phone or live, because chatting online isn't his idea of fun. I dislike talking on the phone because he is good at changing subjects on the phone. I am afriad of talking with him in person too, because I may start crying. I told him so. I said I've been too emotional in front of him already. He said he was not looking forward to another emotional discussion with me and asked me if I really wanted to put myself through this. I was shocked and didn't answer immediately. Then he said I was not too emotional compared to other women. He said I tried to supress or hide me feelings, such as sadness. He also said supressing feelings isn't good for personal relationships. Maybe it was true I always tried to be less emotional like a crazy woman, but what is that to do with our relationship? At this point we had been chatting online for 2.5 hours, he was tired of sitting by the computer and wanted to stop. So we agreed to talk another time.

 

Why am I so emotional attached to him when I know he does not love me? Why did he date me for more than a year when he never loved me? I almost wanted to ask him why he does not love me, I know that's a stupid question to ask.

 

Today I went on a date with another guy. I didn't think I would like him, I was thinking about my ex on my way to meet this new guy and I almost started crying on the road. Well, the first date turned out well, I will probably see him again. At least I know I am one step toward moving on.

[Mun]

Hi Sadgirl,

I totally understand where you are coming from and I don't blame you for wanting some answers. You are probably right and there is more that he is not telling you. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to open up

Will he ever tell you what you want to know? maybe...

 

Glad that you are at least getting out there. I know when I finally gave someone else a chance I wasn't sorry ( not yet anyway) It feels great to be with someone and not have all that drama/baggage looming over us and just concentrate on having a good time.

 

Your ex, well he needs to work alot of things out on his own.

 

I wish you much happiness. Chin up!