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Confused about our friendship and my feelings

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Around 2 years ago I met this girl at a part time job (we’re both girls) We immediately clicked and got close. She started to confide in me and soon enough we became good friends. Hanging out, talking a lot etc. we used to get physically intimate. If I was laying around she’d ask me to put my head on her lap and stroke my forehead. Once she said to me “I think I’ve a crush on you. Is it weird?” She had a bf so I laughed it off. Another time while laying beside her she said she’s falling for me and again I laughed.


We had our first argument where she believed that I turned people against her, but it was just our group preferred my company more. She said she wanted to end us but it was hard bc I’m like an addiction to her. She did screenshot our chats and send them to our mutual friends to make me look like a harasser, and when I confronted her, her excuse was “I can’t control myself when it comes to you.”

After a while we made up, and she said she was happy we were back together.

She used to ask me to come over to her room while her parents were asleep after 1am. We’d smoke hookah and cuddle on her bed. The first time I was over, she said she loved me and that she’ll miss me when she leaves for uni. She gave me a kiss on cheek and asked “where’s my kiss?” Then she leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose. A few days later a peck on the neck. A while later, I slept over and her mom knew I was there. Her mom liked me a lot until she walked in on her leaning on my shoulder. Her mother insulted her and screamed at her to get off me and beat her. I wanted to explain

She travelled for college but then later got kicked out as her family didn’t pay. We kept in touch and spoke to each other everyday for hours on the phone and got closer than ever. To the point where her bf was jealous of our friendship and wanted her to cut it off with me. She picked me over him saying it was too late for us to break up, and that she couldn’t live without me. She always said she missed me and my cuddles, how comfortable safe and warm I made her feel. And when she’d miss me too much just send me videos/selfies of herself. She also mentioned she had a dream where her and I fought and then kissed. She repeated it several times but I didn’t know how to feel about it.


Then she decided she wants to start a new life with me and move to college and live together. I offered to support her financially (I work part time in events) by helping with the dorm , flight ticket and leisure. She was hesitant but said she will pay me back and work and support us both. She left her bf and came but without telling her parents that she was there with me.

In the beginning problems started. We would fight as she was ungrateful and I had an alcohol addiction, and I was recovering from trauma of my past Sometimes she'd slap me or bite me really hard which drew flashbacks on me from my parents physical and emotional abuse. I overdosed on ecstasy and ended up in the hospital. She broke down and stayed there all night.

After I got released, we started over. She took care of me, fed me, and slept next to me. After a few days,our mutual friend joined us. One day we got in a disagreement where I picked alcohol over her, and I blacked out. The next day she told me I tried to kiss her, and asked me whether I had feelings for her. I was sober and said no. Then we decided she would move in with our other friend.

She looked for excuses to argue,like getting angry that I accidentally told 2 guys she wore colored contacts when they asked me whether her eyes were real or fake. She ran off with some guy and kept texting me saying she vomited because of me.

Soon, we got in a bigger fight, which resulted in her telling me to kill myself. I got drunk and I laid a hand on her. We started hitting each other on the street

She began screaming for help.

I ended up at the cops again. And the uni began a disciplinary hearing against me.


For the next 2 months it was a series of push and pull game. We sat down to speak once after the police incident. She said “I was in love with you.” I said what? She rushed “as a friend.”

Later that day I saw her sitting alone, crying in the corridor and I sat beside her. She didn't say anything, just leaned her head on me.

A few days later, she b*tched at me and made me cry. The next day, she sits with me and has a casual friendly talk over coffee. She was telling me she was sick at the hospital and she wished it was me to be there beside her, rather than the guy she was with. Then at night, she ran into me at my guy friend’s room and she started to fight with again for no reason. We sat talking for a long time, she held my hand and said she loved me so much, that she picked me over her boyfriend twice, but now her heart feels nothing for me anymore.


I broke down and she said she wants to leave. The next day, she ran into me at the elevator and saw me holding a teddy. She punched me in the chest and walked away. I left the teddy for her at the door and later gave her a bracelet. I said it was a symbol of our friendship and I’ll move on and forget her. I kissed her forehead and said goodbye.

2 hours later, she came in the room and saw that me and the mutual friend were going out so she asked to join.


She was quiet and we held hands under the table. Before we were about to leave, she told me she felt sick and leaned on me for support. We got a cab, I took her and the other drunk friend to their room and told her I'll bring her some chocolate. I fed her and told her I'll leave bc I had to see my guy friends. She said she's not feeling well and asked me to stay with her. Then she wrapped her hand around my waist and cuddled me onto her bed and spoke to me till she slept. In the morning we woke up together and left the room. Later she thanked me for taking care of her. And after that she started a whole fight where she broke down and accused me of destroying her.

I got drunk and broke a bottle against the wall which results in my hand getting stitches. She knew about it. Instead she sent me some cruel texts saying she knew I spread rumors about her (which I didn't). When a guy pulled a sick prank on her and told her I’ve committed suicide, she insulted him and gave me a last hug and decided to leave

Few days later I found out some terrible things: She had told her "boyfriend" about my history of abuse and mental issues, and he proceeded to investigate my past.

She tried to ally herself with the man (my ex bestfriend) who had sexually abused me 3 years ago to extract information of him (even though she hated him). She called me a wh*re and a sl*t and accused me of wanting it.

She claimed that when I was drunk I tried to sexually abuse her. But what actually happened was, I was drunk yes and I remember kissing her neck. She moaned and pulled me closer to her but then I got aggressive and pushed myself off her and yelled at her. She spread all this among my male friends, adding that I used my charm and looks to get under their skin as I was a psychopath.


I defended her in my statement at the disciplinary hearing and left at the of the semester back home. The day I travelled, we met up coincidentally and we spoke. She said I ruined everything between us and that we were over. I held her hand and hugged her for the last time and left. However when I was at the airport, she kept calling me. She told me "I'm going back to my ex. Even though he cheated on me, atleast he didn't lay a hand on me. He gave me love and protection which you never did, you only gave me money. Which I'll give you back. You loved yourself more and because of you I hate everyone."

Then she continued to call me at random times just to insult and swear at me. The last conversation we had was her telling me we were toxic and bad for each other, and that I’ve scarred her for life and it’s difficult to forget all the bad.


I’m confused. I’ve become emotionally numb. I don’t know what I feel towards her or why she did what all those things. Help please

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  • 1 month later...

Big hugs. This made me feel so uneasy. I know you mentioned being addicted to her but you know deep down you need to cut her out at least for awhile so you can focus on yourself. I know it’s easier said then done but she’s manipulating you with her words to get you to feel this way so you can be in her control. Her erratic behaviors speak volumes! I know you care for her but seriously, run! Run and don’t look back. You need healthy loving kind people who say kind things and are selfless. I’m kind of going through something similar right now but it’s in the beginning stages. Her behaviors are wild and she has been giving me a lot of attitude and trying to start fights and all i can think is ? We use to be so happy! Always laughing about everything... now it’s a daily struggle! Fights all the damn time. I’m going insane. Feel free to message me :)

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You need an inpatient rehab and a very good attorney on speed-dial. The rate you're going, the trajectory is ERs, Jail or the morgue. Your future looks quite dim at this point. Don't charm/deceive anyone into being with you and drag them through your life. Get help and stop being a rebel without a cause or blaming your parents. You're over 18, help yourself.

-I overdosed on ecstasy and ended up in the hospital.

-I got drunk and I laid a hand on her.

-She began screaming for help.

-I ended up at the cops again.

-uni began a disciplinary hearing against me.

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