laura1987 Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 So, how to put this in a nutshell… I met a guy online and we dated for a little while. I didn’t feel a spark or connection when we met but conversation flowed, he made me laugh and we got on really well. I wasn’t attracted to him and still fresh out of an old relationship. Due to mental health problems, I was quite needy and this guy took me under his wing to help me feel better. Kind, understanding, thoughtful and supportive. I stated to him all the way through the relationship that I was not sure about us and that I didn’t love him. He always persisted though and begged that we try. The first night we slept together it wasn’t as special as it should have been as he was pushing all night to try and have sex, so in the end I gave in and just tried to enjoy it. We have now been together nearly 9 months and I cannot even remember how many times I have broken up with him. I just don’t feel the intense love that I know I should. I don’t look at him with admiration and deep, pure love. I don’t go out of my way to make him happy, I don’t feel pure joy or happiness. We get on really well and have a good laugh and fun though. Everytime I try to break up with him he always wins me back and begs me to try again. He says, buys and does such sweet and thoughtful things and goes out of his way to make me feel safe, happy and loved. I tell him that it is unfair and that I should be reciprocating this, that our relationship isn’t right, but he just says yes but I love you and know its because of your mental health. A few months ago, I finally thought that I felt something. I agreed to moving in with this guy and we talked about children and marriage. Ive always wanted to settle down and was being offered everything I ever wanted so thought I should stop being ungrateful and go for it. I am now a month in of coming off my antidepressants after 8 years, and am having all the doubts again. I no longer want to move in with him and feel like I am wasting both of our time as my heart isn’t in it. I ended up messaging another guy and explaining to him how unhappy and trapped I felt. My boyfriend unbeknown to me was signing into my messages and read every message sent and received. This obviously caused upset. Yet still he wants us to try again. Hes turned up at mine with gifts, flowers, cards and dinner, offering me all the love and future I could ever want. But instead of feeling excited and in love, I just feel numb. Shockingly I don’t feel as bad as I should about messaging the other guy as im so unhappy and confused. My boyfriend and I have made lots of memories together and now planned for the future. He goes out of his way to help me and is always there for me. Hes changed his appearance, lost weight, tidied up his act, all to try and please me. Yet I still feel no passion and no desire to kiss him. Of course im grateful and pleased to see him everytime, but I don’t feel the way I should. Hes adamant its my medication and illness and that things will be ok. Everytime I break up with him, I feel so awful as hes so depressed and sad, like someone has died, so we get back together. Of course I would miss him, hes part of my life now. Im so stuck and confused. Do I love this guy? Do I let him free? (which is impossible…) Please help Laura Link to comment
IamPoetic Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 So, how to put this in a nutshell… I met a guy online and we dated for a little while. I didn’t feel a spark or connection when we met but conversation flowed, he made me laugh and we got on really well. I wasn’t attracted to him and still fresh out of an old relationship. Due to mental health problems, I was quite needy and this guy took me under his wing to help me feel better. Kind, understanding, thoughtful and supportive. I stated to him all the way through the relationship that I was not sure about us and that I didn’t love him. He always persisted though and begged that we try. The first night we slept together it wasn’t as special as it should have been as he was pushing all night to try and have sex, so in the end I gave in and just tried to enjoy it. We have now been together nearly 9 months and I cannot even remember how many times I have broken up with him. I just don’t feel the intense love that I know I should. I don’t look at him with admiration and deep, pure love. I don’t go out of my way to make him happy, I don’t feel pure joy or happiness. We get on really well and have a good laugh and fun though. Everytime I try to break up with him he always wins me back and begs me to try again. He says, buys and does such sweet and thoughtful things and goes out of his way to make me feel safe, happy and loved. I tell him that it is unfair and that I should be reciprocating this, that our relationship isn’t right, but he just says yes but I love you and know its because of your mental health. A few months ago, I finally thought that I felt something. I agreed to moving in with this guy and we talked about children and marriage. Ive always wanted to settle down and was being offered everything I ever wanted so thought I should stop being ungrateful and go for it. I am now a month in of coming off my antidepressants after 8 years, and am having all the doubts again. I no longer want to move in with him and feel like I am wasting both of our time as my heart isn’t in it. I ended up messaging another guy and explaining to him how unhappy and trapped I felt. My boyfriend unbeknown to me was signing into my messages and read every message sent and received. This obviously caused upset. Yet still he wants us to try again. Hes turned up at mine with gifts, flowers, cards and dinner, offering me all the love and future I could ever want. But instead of feeling excited and in love, I just feel numb. Shockingly I don’t feel as bad as I should about messaging the other guy as im so unhappy and confused. My boyfriend and I have made lots of memories together and now planned for the future. He goes out of his way to help me and is always there for me. Hes changed his appearance, lost weight, tidied up his act, all to try and please me. Yet I still feel no passion and no desire to kiss him. Of course im grateful and pleased to see him everytime, but I don’t feel the way I should. Hes adamant its my medication and illness and that things will be ok. Everytime I break up with him, I feel so awful as hes so depressed and sad, like someone has died, so we get back together. Of course I would miss him, hes part of my life now. Im so stuck and confused. Do I love this guy? Do I let him free? (which is impossible…) Please help Laura This was a fail from the start. Sorry. The interest just wasn't there. Doesn't matter how great someone is if you're not interested or they just don't do it for you. Looks don't always do it either, nor does sex. It's like a cologne; the stench might go away for a while, but eventually it'll return. Break it off. Use your single time to get your life back in order and then date someone that intrigues you. Good luck. Link to comment
Apna Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 My advise will be a bit different as I don’t believe in should(s) but is only my viewpoint. What if you do meet a person and feel super sparky but he doesn’t treat you well afterwards or you just loose the spark? Similar thing can happen with this one too Most of the relationships are need, bond based (not necessarily be mutually exclusive) ... Love is independent if nature loves you it gives you rain regardless. My advise would be to live in present and make the best suited decision. Who knows what future holds? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 It's not working out, just end things. Stop using each other. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 Life is way to short to waste it on someone you are only half interested in. There are hundreds of nice good people out there but doesn’t mean you should marry them. I think as hard as it will be you should end it and find someone who does make you excited to see with them and be the best version of yourself. Link to comment
Tinydance Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 This one should be simple really - you are totally not into him and you need to end it. You were never into him and trust me, if you have a bad gut feeling from the start, it's usually right. I also think that it would be difficult to respect someone who is so desperate and forces you to be with him, when you've told him so many times that you don't love him. This is someone who has no self-respect or self worth and will beat himself into a pulp to try to be everything you might want (e.g. lose weight). He has never listened to your feelings and essentially doesn't care how you feel because HE wants to be with you. But what you've been doing is wrong because you've been leading him on and sending the wrong messages. Actions speak louder than words and you've always taken him back and even moved in with him. So obviously your actions are not actually matching what you're saying and you have been fuelling this situation. Link to comment
laura1987 Posted April 23, 2019 Author Share Posted April 23, 2019 Thankyou everyone. That really helps. Ive tried to leave so many times. Just not sure how im going to do it and scared that he will selfharm x Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.