Sparkle1234 Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 I was with my ex for 10 years and we have children together. Just over a year ago we broke up for pretty much the whole year we have talked over text message every day just as friends nothing romantic. I did hint a few times that I missed him but it was mostly ignored. Things went bad just recently in that I said I wanted him back but he said no and after this I felt I hadn't allowed myself to move on by keeping such a close relationship with the text messages. I found out last week that earlier this year he had a relationship he won't go in to details will only say it wasn't serious and didn't go anywhere. I was devastated mostly because I thought the texts were saying we both ultimately wanted to be back together. I hadn't asked before now because he is having therapy and I thought that was important he does that before we tried again. We argued a bit after I found out as I felt he should have told me or stopped the messages to me while seeing someone else. He felt I had moved on because of things I changed last year but never have I had anything to do with finding a new relationship. Now I feel stuck I desperately want him back but I know I am a jealous person and will find the fact He was with someone else really difficult. Any advice? Adding in an edit. Since speaking these last couple of days we do both want to be back together. Link to comment
Annia Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 You need to keep contact to a minimum with him and just related to the children you have together. You really need to detach, and keeping contact and tabs on his relationships will only make it worse and harder to move on. Link to comment
thornz Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 He doesn’t want you back. Why torture yourself with some fantasy that he wants to be with you, when he clearly doesnt. Tell him to stop any contact that is not related to collecting or dropping off your children. Start healing and move on. Focus on your own life. Who he is dating is none of your business and is delaying your healing. Link to comment
Sparkle1234 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Sorry I should say he does want to be back with me too. We have agreed to meet up I am just worried how to get past things that happened while we wernt together. Mostly his relationship. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 Have you sought couples counseling? The previous issues are still there. Link to comment
Carus Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 ......but I know I am a jealous person and will find the fact He was with someone else really difficult. Any advice? I'm sorry but only you will know if you can or can't leave that in the past and move forward.... And the only way I guess to know is to try and see how you go.....It will take time and work..... Jealousy is a curse and a wasted energy so perhaps you should work on that in general.... Congrats on (possibly) getting back together....It's something many of us here could only wish for* Wishing you the best of luck* Carus* Link to comment
bluecastle Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 Wise words from Carus. If your relationship is going to work a lot of things need to happen. But one of them, and one you can control, is that you have to be able to let the past go. That's a general skill that serves people well, and in your shoes I'd make sure to explore that on your own. Yes, therapy. You were apart for a year, you were both single, both free to do whatever you wanted. Most grown adults don't spend a year being celibate in a cave, and most don't find texting with an ex a fulfilling form of romance. That's just fact, no different than the planet being round. It's not mysterious. Sounds like you were open to new romance as well, but didn't meet anyone you fancied. Well, he had a thing. Happens. Not everyone can get over this stuff, and that's fine too. Not fine is entering a relationship and then having a zillion needling discussions about something in the past until everyone hates each other and themselves. He probably had some things before you ever knew he existed—it's really not different, though the mind can make it so. Challenge your own mind a bit and maybe you can find calm, even if calm means being big enough to know you can't get back together without being a wreck. We live in a terrible age where no one knows how to disconnect from people, where past and present get blurred thanks to phones. You've learned the drawbacks of this: all that texting kept you frozen in an emotional purgatory. Sucks, but that's no one's fault, just a misguided dynamic. A lot of wasted energy, as Carus said. It was all a lot easier before texting. I remember getting back with an ex back in the dark days of the early aughts. What was she doing during the gap? No idea. Hardly thought about it because I had no access to her, no illusion that she was "near" me because of a vibration in my pocket. It's better that way, healthier. Link to comment
Sparkle1234 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Thank you I am currently seeking counselling for myself to help with issues I have such as the jealousy. I know I am lucky in that we both hopefully want the same thing which is to be together. Link to comment
Sparkle1234 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Thank you I think I needed to read that and you are right I do need to learn to let the past go it has always been a problem for me and hopefully with the help of therapy I will be able to do that. Yes also true we both had relationships before we knew each other and also true that texting an ex wouldn't be enough for most people. I in all honesty haven't looked for anything in the time we have been apart but again I know just because I haven't it doesn't mean he can't. Thank you. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 I think you need to do it together. Link to comment
smackie9 Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 Is therapy really working for you two? Because I find when you have to ask for advice on the internet you are either not getting the help you need or you are not actually seeking therapy. I suggest finding a better therapist, and or be more honest with your therapist. A bunch of stranger can't help you at this point because this is way too complicated. Link to comment
Sparkle1234 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 I haven't started therapy yet I am waiting for an appointment. I do agree it was just about finding different points of view. Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 I hope things with therapy offer some answers for you in the long run. We can't control what our partners think or feel. It seems there was not enough understanding about what your separation meant or it meant different things to both of you. In the end, it might help if you asked yourself whether you want him to be happy (even if it's without you). When we love someone, we always want what's best for that person. If that person is hurt or sad, we also feel hurt or sad. Do you want him to be happy? You may have to let go of those feelings of resentment regarding the separation misunderstanding in order to move into the realm of good faith (in each other) and wanting happiness for each other. You'll have to forgive yourself for the misunderstanding and forgive yourself for the lost time and learn to laugh it off and brush it off and just live again. Don't lose heart. In my experience, it is not helpful to spiral down a darker path bearing resentment and misgivings. If you have love for someone, let that be your first step and then also your guide. Love yourself too. I hope you find peace. Link to comment
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