abitbroken Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 She asked in bed one morning and I just blurted out a number that was a fib but seemed reasonable. She shrugged and said "decent." To address more questions/comments that have arose... - She is not scrutinizing, she is inquiring which I feel is fair at our age/seriousness/considering living together - Living at home is smart while she figures out her next steps - I never got the vibe she's looking for someone to support her she truly wants to be with me and wants to know if I'm stable financially - Yes, I am gainfully employed and own my own car - My credit score is better than 35% of Canadians (according to a reputable credit bureau) although I'm at a high utilization lately - This is the only thing I've deceived her about. We've been open about previous lovers, goals and family matters. I just haven't had the heart to tell her this but it's eating at me - My next decision is about how much to disclose: monthly budgets with expenditures or simply "I'm living paycheque to paycheque and have no savings kthxbye" Honestly, someone living paycheck to paycheck while paying off their debt AND paying rent and all their bills is financially on par with someone living with mommy and daddy and saving money. Sh e would not be saving if she had rent, renter's insurance , utility bills , etc. You should not disclose ANY monthly budget with er at all. The only time to talk about that is when she is actually going to be your wife. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 She asked in bed one morning and I just blurted out a number that was a fib but seemed reasonable. She shrugged and said "decent." To address more questions/comments that have arose... - She is not scrutinizing, she is inquiring which I feel is fair at our age/seriousness/considering living together - Living at home is smart while she figures out her next steps - I never got the vibe she's looking for someone to support her she truly wants to be with me and wants to know if I'm stable financially - Yes, I am gainfully employed and own my own car - My credit score is better than 35% of Canadians (according to a reputable credit bureau) although I'm at a high utilization lately - This is the only thing I've deceived her about. We've been open about previous lovers, goals and family matters. I just haven't had the heart to tell her this but it's eating at me - My next decision is about how much to disclose: monthly budgets with expenditures or simply "I'm living paycheque to paycheque and have no savings kthxbye" Honestly, someone living paycheck to paycheck while paying off their debt AND paying rent and all their bills is financially on par with someone living with mommy and daddy and saving money. Sh e would not be saving if she had rent, renter's insurance , utility bills , etc. You should not disclose ANY monthly budget with er at all. The only time to talk about that is when she is actually going to be your wife. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 I don’t get why people are saying it’s bad she lives at home. Maybe that’s the best financial decision for her. And I agree with the above. Something does seem off. I'm just going to say what I'm thinking. What seems off to me is her questioning his financial stability when she herself is not holding her own on the basic level. Her life until this point has been a subsidized one. At 29, yes, I think that's a red flag. Being responsible for what are your costs of living - that would be a very bare basic expectation of mine. She wants that from him, and more, but isn't even feigning that she will provide that same. How I see it is she's used to the security net of others being the rocks- facing the tough stuff that sometimes sucks of life in order to do for oneself and be a 'rock' when needed to others. She hasn't yet faced the experience of that responsibility. I think at this stage of the game, she's pretty comfortable being subsidized and may not give that up unless another is lined up. And that's why she wants to know his plans for buying a house, etc, now. That's just what I'm thinking. If I remember correctly, Goodfella was in another relationship previously with a woman who was close to 30 and hadn't left home. There seems to be a pattern there. I wouldn't tell her details, only what she needs to know. No, I'm not flush. I can pay my bills and live, but I'm only starting on working on major financial goals. Days of talking of buying a house together are far away. Days where I could take off to travel, support a baby, etc are far away too. But he shouldn't feel bad. Even if she can't understand. It will be a good gauge of what she really is looking for. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 The difference is his debt becomes her problem if they get married. If she’s at home paying down debt, she’s being smarter. Link to comment
Goodfellas Posted January 9, 2019 Author Share Posted January 9, 2019 The difference is his debt becomes her problem if they get married. If she’s at home paying down debt, she’s being smarter. Yes, but I needed to move out of my parent’s basement for work and sanity reasons. If I remember correctly, Goodfella was in another relationship previously with a woman who was close to 30 and hadn't left home. There seems to be a pattern there. Incredible memory! Difference is the ex was a 34 year old, established teacher for a decade who’d never flown the nest while my current is a recent grad who’s lived abroad. I never considers my failure to launch trend though. 🤔 I just got off the phone with her and she wants to book flights to Chicago for March this weekend. I think that’s a perfect time to tell her my current situation. Here’s hoping she’s receptive to the news. 🤞🏽 Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 Agree. Comparing how a grown adult man handles finances/debt responsibly and how a spoiled child mooching off mommy and daddy sees the world is like comparing apples to oranges. It's not about who has what in savings, it's about significant immaturity and inexperience. The worst part will be the shock she feels having to act like a responsible grown up with real life bills when she moves out from mommy and daddy's protective next. What if she has to conserve electricity or not buy a fancy new phone every year? What if her money has to go toward groceries, toilet paper, etc instead of clothes, makeup, etc? You can expect a plethora of arguments if you live together. Her concept of responsibility and living independently is nonexistent. someone living with mommy and daddy and saving money. Sh e would not be saving if she had rent, renter's insurance , utility bills , etc. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 OP, I didn’t say you made a bad decision. I wouldn’t want to live at home either. But she’s allowed to want stability. Sounds like OP is working on it and the only issue is a bit of a fib on amount of debt. Fine! Just clarify. OP had a good post summarizing this many posts ago - I feel like now we’re beating the dead horse Link to comment
PerkyGreek Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 A lot of good points were brought by these people, I just want to go back to your original post. This is your main problem: I don’t have the heart to tell her I’m living pay cheque to pay cheque with no savings. ... we’re talking about moving in together in 2019. Consider not to bank on My only saving grace is my credit is very good and I’m in a potentially lucrative career Credit runs out and your potentially lucrative career is still just potential. You will need to find all the courage to tell her the truth, just as many here have already advised. And this is where the rubber meets the road. You have the right to know who is this person you are committing to but she also has the right to know who is this person she is committing to. Doubts, things you have not discussed, change in plans or preferences, harsh words, are what break up relationships. Finances, job, etc are just the kindle. If she cannot accept who you are and what you have right now, that is better [for some] rather than suffer daily with “you did not tell me this,” “You promised so and so,” “I did not sign up for this,” and so on. This is the reality: finances affect relationships because money-related problems are guaranteed to come and strain the relationship. What more when you have kids. This is, of course, just my opinion, and I hope it helps in some way. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 If you want to marry her, don't move in with her -- instead plan an engagement and a wedding (she can move in while engaged if its more convenient to do so when a wedding date is already set). Before anyone jumps on me - i get it - some people don't get married and just want to live together, but if you want to get married -- rushing to move in - don't be so quick. to me, if someone, particularly a woman is pushing to move in with their significant other - they are trying to force/create a "step to marriage" or sort of make their claim. wait another year - don't move in this year. you don't have to get engaged either - but just take more time getting to know eachother. I don't think you should tell her your entire budget - just say very matter of factly that you would like to do this more often -- booking rooms, trips, because you know she likes to travel, but after your student loans and rent that you don't have a lot leftover. And leave it at that. And see if it goes somewhere or not convo- wise. Link to comment
Goodfellas Posted January 10, 2019 Author Share Posted January 10, 2019 As usual, eNA comes through. I was planning on telling her EVERYTHING before valentines day but now I feel better telling her the main points this weekend. Thank you all! Link to comment
Normm Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Maybe don't thank us until after this weekend. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 I wish you good luck and hopefully you'll update:) I think it will be a relief off your shoulders to no longer be keeping up that bit of front about what you can actually afford. It's awesome you are going for some financial advice too. The combo could see you making strides in 2019! Link to comment
Goodfellas Posted January 10, 2019 Author Share Posted January 10, 2019 I wish you good luck and hopefully you'll update:) I think it will be a relief off your shoulders to no longer be keeping up that bit of front about what you can actually afford. It's awesome you are going for some financial advice too. The combo could see you making strides in 2019! Grazie! 🤞🏽 Link to comment
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