Girlfriend help

[Wiseman2]

You want the answer to be that she wants to get back together. However you know deep down that's not it. You are in the friendzone, she feels guilty and sorry for you so you are also in the pitifulzone. If you hope this contact means reconciliation, why can't you just ask her?

why would she be calling/ texting me saying she wants to meet up, is sorry for everything and misses me?

[boltnrun]

Has she actually followed through with meeting up?

 

You said she "goes cold". Would you "go cold" with someone you wanted to reconcile with?

[No1]

Nice story you got there. "I was going to propose" is pretty convenient to say after the break up. Question is why does it have to be on her birthday? To make it special? A birthday is already special, a proposal is already special, you don't need to combine the two to make it more special. Just my view, but a proposal on a birthday, New years eve or Valentines day is pretty cheesy. If you really wanted to propose, you would of done it. In fact you would of done it since the break up, but you haven't. So sorry my friend, I have to call BS on your story. But if that helps you, then okay.

Understand that this is hard for her. She loves you but needs more of a commitment from you. She wants security that you will be there thru thick and thin and even tho you might say it, she is telling you that she needs more than just words. Her family has a lot to do with it but they are only looking out for her. They want the best for her and she is going thru a mental battle. There is what her heart says vs what her brain says. So that's why you get the calls then the silence.

Your issue is very simple. If you don't see her as your wife, then just let her go. Just tell her that you don't see a future with her and let her go and that way she can find someone else after she heals from this. If you do see her as your wife, then follow thru, but don't play with her emotions, don't reason, bargain, convince, or talk her into coming back. But before you can be honest with her, you have to really take a deep look and be honest with yourself.

[BreadStick]

I am no expert but I can give you a few opinions. I don't know what the usual age is for people to get married where you are from, or how many of her friends are already married, but this might be a good thing to think about. Your relationship was long, and you said good, so it does not seem to be any other reason why she would leave. Or, do you feel there might be something else she is waiting for? Has she expressed any unhappiness about anything else?

 

You two are young, but have been together for a long time, so it is natural for her to assume you would make a move by now, especially if she told you she wanted to get married before. How long ago has she first voiced this desire? If a lot of her friends are married then she might be feeling like you two are the odd ones out and something is wrong, as you have been pretty void of action in this sense. Depending on where you are from, sometimes true commitment is viewed as marriage, and since you have yet to assure her this is your goal too, she might have thought you were never going to get married to her.

 

As for the message - she probably had some time to cool off and think what she wants more - marriage or you. If you love her, give her a chance to talk it out, but be advised that her desire to marry won't disappear just because you two might get back together. Don't rub it in her face, that you were going to do it on her B-day, because this could have been done long before, and you know that. It will only ruin chances of a happy ending.

 

Go talk to her, tell her that you love her if you really do, that you want to be married to her at some point and acknowledge you took your time. Then you can talk about why she chose to believe her father over you, whether or not your relationship was committed. Maybe this has something to do with lack of communication between you two and maybe you did not show her your affection enough so she panicked and believed the wrong person.

 

Good luck OP!

[Bob789]

Thanks for the replys. As you all can appreciate I have not been in this situation before so didn't know that I was meant to propose sooner etc... I thought it would be an extra special birthday to do it on. I am man enough to take it all on the chin. It's frustrating that her parents (dad) has to pass his comments especially when he's not a commited man himself, I mean I have never even seen him kiss his wife and they don't even sleep in the same room.lol.

[No1]

Thanks for the replys. As you all can appreciate I have not been in this situation before so didn't know that I was meant to propose sooner etc... I thought it would be an extra special birthday to do it on. I am man enough to take it all on the chin. It's frustrating that her parents (dad) has to pass his comments especially when he's not a commited man himself, I mean I have never even seen him kiss his wife and they don't even sleep in the same room.lol.

 

and its very possible that they are telling her this to avoid the mistakes they made. We are not perfect, we all make mistakes. But do you honestly want to be married to this woman? That is a very honest question to ask, but is the answer an honest answer?

[BreadStick]

It sounds like her father might be projecting his failures on you. He is not committed, so no man is committed and marriage is the only thing keeping him with his wife (maybe, I don't know of course but it is worth thinking about).

 

Don't focus too much on her parents, they are obviously toxic to your relationship. You two must set boundaries with them - this is something she has to do mostly, as it would seem she tends to do what they say a lot. If she wants to be a good wife, she needs to learn to form her own opinions and do what she thinks is right and not what her parents think she SHOULD do or SHOULD feel. Also a must in order to be an adult.

 

You should know that once you are married, they will be in the picture for good, so you should think about whether it is possible for you to be happy with this in the background and if you decide you love her and don't care about her parents (good for you!!) being there, then you two should proceed with pushing them out of her life enough so that they don't meddle in your marriage. Tell your girlfriend this, if you truly believe it will hurt your happiness, that her parents are destroying your relationship and her wishy washy behaviour and no back bone in this situation also made you nervous.

 

She needs to put you and your actions first, if you really did show your affection enough, then she had no reason to doubt you.