When does a relationship become "committed"?

[Batya33]

I'd view his behavior in front of mutual friends as a hostile nose rub, and his defense about it only amplifies the disrespect. I'd laugh, tell him he can keep that, and I'd wish him the best. I'd be civil if our paths cross in public, but beyond that, I'd view him as a manipulator and no match for me.

 

I'd use this experience to gain clarity about What I Want. If that's a committed relationship, I'd make sure to put that on the table, up front, as a screening device before I'd even start dating someone.

 

This doesn't mean some demand for a commitment to me before dating, but rather, I'd use the getting-to-know-you conversation to raise that I consider myself long term relationship material, and I'd ask whether he views himself the same way. If so, then it's a go. If not, or "he doesn't know," then I'd thank him for his honesty, but I'm only interested in dating men who feel the same as me about learning whether we're a long term match. If he ever changes his mind and would like to try dating for that purpose, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up.

 

It makes no sense to position myself for an investment in someone who's not commitment minded. Period. He may be fabulous, and I may be ultra-attracted, but there's no way that I'd pretzel myself 'around' someone in the hope of manipulating What I Want from him. That's for kids.

 

Head high, and I hope you'll come out of this feeling comfortable and confident in holding out for What You Want. There's no shame in that, and there's no point in settling for anything less.

 

I completely agree with how this is put. OP you deserve and can do better than someone who would behave this way.

[nutbrownhare]

Regardless of the other woman, if someone tells you after eight months that they're not committed to you - it's time to ship out and find someone who would want to be.

 

The incident with the other woman is just a taste of what that lack of commitment is going to mean for you.

 

I once knew a guy who had been in a relationship with a woman for a couple of years; she had to go abroad for three weeks to support her daughter, who was on some kind of tour. He slept with someone else while she was away, justifying it by telling her that 'he had never said they were exclusive.' She got out of the relationship very quickly after that!

 

If you want to be in an uncommitted sexual relationship (aka FWB) then carry on as you are. If you stay with him, you are setting yourself up for more of this kind of behaviour because, by implication, you will be tolerating it. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and will assume you're fine with it, too, even if you protest - because you haven't walked away.

 

Don't be that girl!

[Batya33]

Regardless of the other woman, if someone tells you after eight months that they're not committed to you - it's time to ship out and find someone who would want to be.

 

The incident with the other woman is just a taste of what that lack of commitment is going to mean for you.

 

I once knew a guy who had been in a relationship with a woman for a couple of years; she had to go abroad for three weeks to support her daughter, who was on some kind of tour. He slept with someone else while she was away, justifying it by telling her that 'he had never said they were exclusive.' She got out of the relationship very quickly after that!

 

If you want to be in an uncommitted sexual relationship (aka FWB) then carry on as you are. If you stay with him, you are setting yourself up for more of this kind of behaviour because, by implication, you will be tolerating it. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and will assume you're fine with it, too, even if you protest - because you haven't walked away.

 

Don't be that girl!

 

I don't think uncommitted sexual relationships are necessarily friends with benefits. Just might mean casual dating and they happen to have sex - she has to decide if that works for her -sounds like right now it doesn't in particular because he feels comfortable being in her face about it which is tacky/rude IMO. She never brought it up and assumed and he assumed differently. Now she knows what he assumed.

[katrina1980]

I have been seeing my partner for 8 months (we are both over 40).

We see each other several times a week, spend most weekends together (often with his son), holiday together, have met each other's families, attend family functions together, talk about future travels, and are referred to as a couple by our friends.

 

However we have never formally stated that we are in a committed relationship.

 

 

Nevermind commitment, agree that takes time, but what about exclusivity?

 

You've been consistently dating eight months, at least twice a week, met and spent time and holidays with your families including his son, attend family events, are considered a couple, etc etc yes I think it's safe assume that at the very least you were exclusive.

 

But yet because you did not have some formal conversation, he feels he's justified becoming physical with another woman, in front of your mutual friends??

 

What a bunch of BS.

 

My long term ex and I (together six years, lived together, engaged) never had a formal "talk" re exclusivity but it was quite clear by virtue of our actions as outlined above that we were

 

Using your partner's logic (guess we can't even call him your bf can we), if lets say after 5 years and living together, if my bf had stepped out on me, it's justified because we never had "the talk"?

 

This is the biggest bunch of BS I've read in awhile, the guy is a POS.

 

I think it would be safe to conclude you were at the very least exclusive by virtue of his actions, consistently over eight months.

 

His actions, your actions.

 

It's interesting cause while I would find it difficult to forgive his indiscretion especially in front of mutual friends, the way he is gaslighting you now in an attempt to make you believe he did nothing "wrong" would be worse and a total deal breaker for me.

 

And in front of mutual friends? I'm sorry that's just beyond the pale.