My partner left me after early miscarraige

[Gems03]

Abit broken: reposting reply: i am using my cell phone to post replies. Noticed the werent quoted.

 

A lot of what you say makes sense. Specially about the timing etc. But please do not refer to me as physco. I had to post yesterday (if you havent read) about how i started taking the pill irregulary during the time we were apart which mounted to this. Reckless yes because may be deep down i didnt precieve the reality of its consequences in anyway. And expected things to turn out rosey regardless. I think your earlier post about the honeymoon period hits this in the head.

I chose to get carried away into la la land.

Now that he is saying he doesnt know what he wants from life and not sure why he kept asking for a family. I am hit with a new reality. It is all very confusing when mixed with emotions of loss and grief.

[Gems03]

Thanks Jellybean, i am still in process of making sense of the grief. But your advice is very comforting and gives me hope. Xc

[Annia]

Perhaps you unfortunately learned the hard way that people do not wanted to be tricked into a relationship or parenthood. You didn't "get a little reckless". You deliberately saw a fertility specialist who advised you to go off the pill if you wanted a pregnancy and that is precisely what you did. Not only did you not wait until you were an established couple or living in the same place there was no specific discussion about starting a family. Claiming he "dumped you after a miscarriage" is untrue. He broke up because you deceived him.

 

She could've still gotten out of the pill, talk to him and use condom until they were living together and settled. I agree that he's not breaking up because of the miscarriage but because of the deceit. He wanted to have a family yes, but not like this.

 

That being said I'm very sorry for your loss and I can't imagine how hard it is to go through this alone. I hope you have a support network of friends and family that can help you or if not you can find the right help.

[Gems03]

Annia >His choice to tell me that the miscarraige made him realise he never wanted a family in the first place, maid it more painful. Feels like he sees this as a form of blessing 😢😢😢😭

 

"After breaking up I asked him only this: if he ever loved me if any of the things he used to day true. He said everything was true apart from his desire to start a family. He apologised and said he doesnt know why he ever said it. He said he doesnt know what he wants from life but he is not ready to live with anyone."

[mustlovedogs]

Annia >His choice to tell me that the miscarraige made him realise he never wanted a family in the first place, maid it more painful. Feels like he sees this as a form of blessing [emoji22][emoji22][emoji22][emoji24]

 

"After breaking up I asked him only this: if he ever loved me if any of the things he used to day true. He said everything was true apart from his desire to start a family. He apologised and said he doesnt know why he ever said it. He said he doesnt know what he wants from life but he is not ready to live with anyone."

 

He may still want a family - just not now.

[Wiseman2]

Therapy would help you a lot with this current situation and all the build up disappoints you've had in life. When you are ready date local men who you get to know well and who share your goals. Make sure you don't get ahead of yourself to compensate for the past.

-My ex-husbsnd had fertility problems which lead to our seperations.

-Then I was in a relationship for two years but i miss s carried twice so we took a break.

-The subject of starting a family therefore became a bit of a sore subject for me.

[figureitout23]

It's not wrong nor insensitive. If a man and a woman have sex with the understanding the man will wear a condom, that consent is contingent on him wearing a condom. He proceeds to go in without one, that's a big ol' sexual Bozo no-no regardless of what you want to call it. Or perhaps an analogy that's easier to conceptualize- if he proceeds to raw dog her after getting a vasectomy reversed without telling her. It doesn't matter whether the woman ever wants a kid or not (one of the most ridiculous assertions I've ever read on these forums). If you're having sex with the understanding you're on birth control, particularly if his going in bareback is a dependent variable of it (as stupid a decision as I think that is), you don't just "subconsciously" stop taking it or botch your intervals and call it a day. You've just gotten rid of what's probably the most universal but-for (absent of course being willing to engage in sex) which consent is predicated upon. I'm personally not going to be the one throwing the R word around. Call it what you want, but certainly not deceit "to some extent."

 

I really don't know where everyone's getting this idea you've taken responsibility. You're upset the decision you made just ended up happening not to work out rather than it having been inherently vile in the first place. It disturbs me that some can minimize your actions because, like 90% of the rest of the world, he's expressed he'd like children. That you thought he'd be elated at the surprise of discovering you'd gotten pregnant unplanned after going off birth control without his knowledge shows a shocking lack of empathy, and I think another poster hit the nail on the head that you truly have been operating on the ends justifying the means.

 

I am sorry that you're learning this lesson in a particularly harsh way with both the breakup and the miscarriage, and I do hope you'll stop blaming whatever this "subconscious" nonsense is so that you can fully do your part to make sure there isn't a recurrence, at least in as far as losing a lover goes. You may deserve getting dumped post-haste, but it should go without saying that the miscarriage is an unfortunate and unnecessary pain. I'm glad many women are coming in supporting you in that event, at least. Still, you need to full responsibility that you don't conduct yourself this way again, "subconsciously" or otherwise. While I'd hope without a miscarriage, this outcome between you and he is pretty much that which can be expected within these circumstances. Any man who would stick with you through all this is one who should probably scare you.

 

Wanting to know the chances - to check yourself out to make sure you don't have a blocked tube or a uterine defect IS good for you to do, but to "start" the process of trying to conceive against the other person's wishes???

 

 

 

The objective truth is that he cannot trust you.

There are many women who poke a hole in a condom to try to entrap a man or because they want a baby so bad - right through the wrapper.

What you did to him was the same thing. It was deliberate and deceptive.

You are absolutely no better than them!

My brother used to talk about "psycho women" who would try things like that.

Seriously, for a lot guys its their worst fear - not an accidental pregnancy but a woman entrapping them.

 

Maybe on some level you were aggravated that he was taking longer to move and this on a subconcious level was your way to force his hand. Who knows?

 

I really hope that he can find some peace and this does not scar him from trusting a woman again down the line. And you can maybe decide that its more important for a relationship to take a course towards commitment and a stable foundation more importantly than a race to the delivery room.

 

 

I agree with the both of these.

 

 

Jellybean your post really helped me begin thr process of grief. So thanks again. Your post also helped me see this reality too:

'this man that runs at the first sign of a grown up relationship'

He has now apologised for asking me for a family when he doesnt think its what he wanted afterall. (Pls see my long post last night). He has gone as far a blaming an older ex for his action. There is a lot to process for me after hearing this.

 

Jellybeans advice is assisting you in taking the victim role but G, you are not a victim here.

 

This was a long distance relationship that began online, you were insecure about waiting for him to settle down, there was a huge age gap, sorry but anytime a woman explains away an age gap as, ‘well I look younger’ alarm bells go off. There’s just so much here that would trigger insecurity in you that it’s hard for me to believe it was simply reckless and not a plot to get the ball rolling on getting your family.

 

I agree with the above post you have not taken responsibility, you want to believe he has wronged you. That’s why you’re taking any advice that hints at that as gospel. Your prerogative but living a life of trapping men is a risky one.

 

Im so very sorry for your loss, I hate to say but, but I am, BUT, it’s the same as a 16 year old shocked her teenage pregnancy didn’t include a while picket fence. You knew your history of miscarriage, you know your age, I know I was told some birth control Ms it takes time to regulate your body so early miscarriage the risk is higher right after all these things you SHOULD have had a partner there with you to walk wihbyou theough all this but the thing is you attempted to force his hand into taking in this role as partner and rock when he was just a dude who shared some pretty words with you. The fact that you hesitated to tell him because he was out on a bike, you KNEW he wasn’t that guy and your relationship wasn’t one to withstand all this.

[Gems03]

Figureitout23

Being anonymous in this space, the purpose of these posts are neither to shame anyone or play the victim, but to use this space to gain perspective on complex situations, that is why I included as many facts as possible like our age and physical appearances and geographical distance.

My post was about what happened but also about how it feels.

I find some truth in all the messages posts most of it things, I already knew and acknowledged but I am now in the process of putting them all together.

Regarding your comment about internet romance that is not correct. I am not sure where that came from? I clarified that in one of the earlier posts.

 

Hi DanZee, I didn't mention in my post that it wasn't an online romance we met in person at his work place. He introduced me to his entire family and friends in the small village that he is from. Funny enough we became FB friends a lot later into our relationship when he decided to update his relationship status, after I had spent time in his family home.

 

I spent large amounts of time with his family at their family home and time with his colleagues and friends. last summer his father once asked him in front of me when we were tying the knot finally, before he invited me to his 50th to introduce me to their extended family. I mentioned age was not an issue on the surface because no one including his family and our closest friends seemed to care or notice. We forgot about our age difference as we appeared like any other couple. The insecurity began when he finally told me that he is ready to start a family. My immediate reaction was to remind him of my age and the reality of this possibility with our plans to move.

He had promised me to move to UK last summer prior to this conversation however had delayed the move to spring 2018.

 

he was just a dude who shared some pretty words with you. The fact that you hesitated to tell him because he was out on a bike, you KNEW he wasn’t that guy and your relationship wasn’t one to withstand all this.

 

The statement you make above is what I am coming to terms with. It unfortunately took a tragedy like this for me to accept. It would have been easier to see this if had we been just an online romance, and not been formally a couple during this period.

He admittedly used to neglectful of my needs; which should had become obvious during another unrelated procedure I had in hospital, he chose to spend time with the lads. But I never took that to heart as I am used to being independent and did not really sense his absence as much in that instance.

 

Jellybeans comments about some good coming out every situation. As hard as it is to accept it did some good. As he finally accepted that maybe he wasn't ready for starting a family at all. He went as far as blaming it on his experience with an older ex in the past who walked out on him when he did not want children then. (see my second earlier post)

 

I admitted my mistakes to him and apologised and so did he for 'playing' (in his words) with the idea and promises of starting a family before knowing what he really wanted from life.

I told him I have forgiven him for that and I am trying to forgive myself. But the pain of the loss is there and I feel alone in this after he admitted it wasn't what he wanted after all.

[figureitout23]

Figureitout23

Being anonymous in this space, the purpose of these posts are neither to shame anyone or play the victim, but to use this space to gain perspective on complex situations, that is why I included as many facts as possible like our age and physical appearances and geographical distance.

My post was about what happened but also about how it feels.

I find some truth in all the messages posts most of it things, I already knew and acknowledged but I am now in the process of putting them all together.

Regarding your comment about internet romance that is not correct. I am not sure where that came from? I clarified that in one of the earlier posts.

 

Hi DanZee, I didn't mention in my post that it wasn't an online romance we met in person at his work place. He introduced me to his entire family and friends in the small village that he is from. Funny enough we became FB friends a lot later into our relationship when he decided to update his relationship status, after I had spent time in his family home.

 

I spent large amounts of time with his family at their family home and time with his colleagues and friends. last summer his father once asked him in front of me when we were tying the knot finally, before he invited me to his 50th to introduce me to their extended family. I mentioned age was not an issue on the surface because no one including his family and our closest friends seemed to care or notice. We forgot about our age difference as we appeared like any other couple. The insecurity began when he finally told me that he is ready to start a family. My immediate reaction was to remind him of my age and the reality of this possibility with our plans to move.

He had promised me to move to UK last summer prior to this conversation however had delayed the move to spring 2018.

 

he was just a dude who shared some pretty words with you. The fact that you hesitated to tell him because he was out on a bike, you KNEW he wasn’t that guy and your relationship wasn’t one to withstand all this.

 

The statement you make above is what I am coming to terms with. It unfortunately took a tragedy like this for me to accept. It would have been easier to see this if had we been just an online romance, and not been formally a couple during this period.

He admittedly used to neglectful of my needs; which should had become obvious during another unrelated procedure I had in hospital, he chose to spend time with the lads. But I never took that to heart as I am used to being independent and did not really sense his absence as much in that instance.

 

Jellybeans comments about some good coming out every situation. As hard as it is to accept it did some good. As he finally accepted that maybe he wasn't ready for starting a family at all. He went as far as blaming it on his experience with an older ex in the past who walked out on him when he did not want children then. (see my second earlier post)

 

I admitted my mistakes to him and apologised and so did he for 'playing' (in his words) with the idea and promises of starting a family before knowing what he really wanted from life.

I told him I have forgiven him for that and I am trying to forgive myself. But the pain of the loss is there and I feel alone in this after he admitted it wasn't what he wanted after all.

 

Oh geez sorry, I misread that as you met online. How did you actually meet? I guess it’s not a fact that needed in the story, I guess my reading that was a combination of glossing and assumption given your distance, In curious how you two met. You probably stated it answers I missed it, sorry again.

 

He deffinetely didn’t sound like the most present partner and again, I personally am assuming that’s part of what drove you to force things forward.

 

If it makes you feel any better it’s a risk many women and some men take. They think a child will magically fix things and I’m not even going to lie, I actually know a few people who got married because of an unexpected pregnancy or came closer together because of a child so it happens but like another poster said the element that’s different isn’t you kinda decided on your own to ‘control the narrative’ of your love story. Having an oops pregnancy is daunting enough having an oops on purpose pregnancy can be devestating to the unknowing partner. I hope you realize the gravity of that.

 

I’m so sorry you are grieving alone. Please reach out to friends and family, post here if you need to, the grief process will be hard but you can get through it. Focus on healthy habits and being comfortable with yourself and decide what you truly want in life. If that’s a family and children focus on men your age ( younger men probably are going to want more time before starting a family) who have similar goals who will be there for the highs and the lows because you made a mutual decision to become parents and you’re team through thick and thin. Don’t settle.

[Gems03]

I agree with the both of these.

 

Jellybeans advice is assisting you in taking the victim role but G, you are not a victim here.

 

This was a long distance relationship that began online, you were insecure about waiting for him to settle down, there was a huge age gap, sorry but anytime a woman explains away an age gap as, ‘well I look younger’ alarm bells go off. There’s just so much here that would trigger insecurity in you that it’s hard for me to believe it was simply reckless and not a plot to get the ball rolling on getting your family.

I agree with the above post you have not taken responsibility, you want to believe he has wronged you. That’s why you’re taking any advice that hints at that as gospel. Your prerogative but living a life of trapping men is a risky one.

Im so very sorry for your loss, I hate to say but, but I am, BUT, it’s the same as a 16 year old shocked her teenage pregnancy didn’t include a while picket fence. You knew your history of miscarriage, you know your age, I know I was told some birth control Ms it takes time to regulate your body so early miscarriage the risk is higher right after all these things you SHOULD have had a partner there with you to walk wihbyou theough all this but the thing is you attempted to force his hand into taking in this role as partner and rock when he was just a dude who shared some pretty words with you. The fact that you hesitated to tell him because he was out on a bike, you KNEW he wasn’t that guy and your relationship wasn’t one to withstand all this.

Oh geez sorry, I misread that as you met online. How did you actually meet? I guess it’s not a fact that needed in the story, I guess my reading that was a combination of glossing and assumption given your distance, In curious how you two met. You probably stated it answers I missed it, sorry again.

 

He definitely didn’t sound like the most present partner and again, I personally am assuming that’s part of what drove you to force things forward.

 

If it makes you feel any better it’s a risk many women and some men take. They think a child will magically fix things and I’m not even going to lie, I actually know a few people who got married because of an unexpected pregnancy or came closer together because of a child so it happens but like another poster said the element that’s different isn’t you kinda decided on your own to ‘control the narrative’ of your love story. Having an oops pregnancy is daunting enough having an oops on purpose pregnancy can be devestating to the unknowing partner. I hope you realize the gravity of that.

 

I’m so sorry you are grieving alone. Please reach out to friends and family, post here if you need to, the grief process will be hard but you can get through it. Focus on healthy habits and being comfortable with yourself and decide what you truly want in life. If that’s a family and children focus on men your age ( younger men probably are going to want more time before starting a family) who have similar goals who will be there for the highs and the lows because you made a mutual decision to become parents and you’re team through thick and thin. Don’t settle.

 

Dear Figureitout23, thanks for replying to my post. I tried to post as much as possible but obviously every reader cant read all post and can only advice based on the part of the picture they have seen. so no worries :)

 

about how we met I am hesitant to get back into it also hard to reply to every ones posts but may that's what its about re-telling your story in the process of healing. I read somewhere about grief that 'you know you are healing when you can eventually tell your story without tears'.

 

so here we go: a while after my divorce when I felt I had healed, I began to live life to its full, travelling, out doors activities painting all the things I had dreamt of doing. I finally found a beautiful village in Alps as a place I felt home for once in my life. I was fit healthy and full positivity about life. I was so engaged in the beauty of that village and my life that I had not considered prospects of meeting anyone new let alone starting a family. I had found well paid job to sustain this lifestyle but it was not something I am trained tod do. I had a few encounters with David about everyday stuff but never thought anything of it. Despite his very handsome looks he had not made an impression as he is very reserved and quite. I discussed possibilities of extending my contract or taking the offer of a job in my own profession back in UK again with friends there. In the end I decided to return to UK. Before leaving David finally plucked the courage to express his feelings for my it came as a surprise. He seemed a lot more mature than his age as after all he had been married for 6 years and divorced and fathered a son. Unlike what I expected underneath his reserved appearance he was genuine and affectionate and we managed to maintain the relationship at long distance.

 

As he already had a son I did not seem to think he would desperately want a family and that felt perfect with how I felt back then. I enjoyed our family time with his son that I adored.

 

We travelled a lot too but on every trip his hope starting a family began to dominate every conversation. Until he put the question straight to me.

About Abitbrokens comment of medical checkup: I did go for a through checkup, the results where remarkable. I shared this report with him and we were both trilled.

 

About your comment: Having an oops pregnancy is daunting enough having an oops on purpose pregnancy can be devastating to the unknowing partner. to be fair on him he never accused my of purposely trapping him. He saw it as oops pregnancy, I saw it as my own recklessness and once the intial shock was over he was very still affectionate and optimistic about the future. We were still in a romantic relationship until the day I broke the bad news and he began ghosting me.

 

so it was extremely hard to compute what had happened. I couldn't make sense of his reaction but I had plenty of time to analyse my own action. I reached the conclusion that I am not normally an irresponsible person therefore there must have been an underlying reason why I did not take further action to prevent the pregnancy. This is where I included the 'subconscious' element I mention in my original post. And following that was naturally blaming my self for my actions leading to deceiving both of us. Which honestly pushed me right to the edge. So comments like A-man and some of Abitbroken did not help very much as I had reached that conclusion already on my own. Had I not already gained this insight, with the details I included it would have been a post about 'an oops pregnancy where the fathered ghosted'. But that wouldn't have been very objective.

 

Oddly it was bluecastles comment that helped me understand him and forgive him.

 

 

I agree with Holly that this guy is showing his maturity level, which is low. He may also be showing something else—a lack of character when it comes to conflict—that can be a forever thing.

 

Whatever genuine feelings he has for you—and I believe he has them, even now—he can't harness them alongside what has become reality. He is still kind of stuck in idealizing a future and his future self, so when the present butts in with a wrench—as it always does, forever and ever—he can't hang. He's kind of combusting, shutting down, going into sabotage mode, and as a result you're getting torn up[/i]

 

 

And post from people like Jellybean helped me come to terms with the grief and the not so perfects parts of our relation. Like his general absence to real issues which would have not lead to an ideal relationship on the long-term anyway.

 

Like you said I need to focus on healthy habits and interests again as apart of the healing. Sadly his small village was my safe place where I had had found myself before meeting him, I cannot return to that village again now but I hope to find that safe place with in myself now.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. You mentioned that having fertility and miscarriage issues in the past with past partners disappointed you and led to the demise of both those relationships. You also mention that you have no children and are concerned about your age and prior ob/gyn history. So getting pregnant from him was important to you, even if it meant accelerating things because of your age and deceiving him to facilitate it.

there must have been an underlying reason why I did not take further action to prevent the pregnancy.

[Gems03]

I agree with the both of these.

 

 

 

 

Jellybeans advice is assisting you in taking the victim role but G, you are not a victim here.

 

This was a long distance relationship that began online, you were insecure about waiting for him to settle down, there was a huge age gap, sorry but anytime a woman explains away an age gap as, ‘well I look younger’ alarm bells go off. There’s just so much here that would trigger insecurity in you that it’s hard for me to believe it was simply reckless and not a plot to get the ball rolling on getting your family.

 

I agree with the above post you have not taken responsibility, you want to believe he has wronged you. That’s why you’re taking any advice that hints at that as gospel. Your prerogative but living a life of trapping men is a risky one.

 

Im so very sorry for your loss, I hate to say but, but I am, BUT, it’s the same as a 16 year old shocked her teenage pregnancy didn’t include a while picket fence. You knew your history of miscarriage, you know your age, I know I was told some birth control Ms it takes time to regulate your body so early miscarriage the risk is higher right after all these things you SHOULD have had a partner there with you to walk wihbyou theough all this but the thing is you attempted to force his hand into taking in this role as partner and rock when he was just a dude who shared some pretty words with you. The fact that you hesitated to tell him because he was out on a bike, you KNEW he wasn’t that guy and your relationship wasn’t one to withstand all this.

 

Agree. You mentioned that having fertility and miscarriage issues in the past with past partners disappointed you and led to the demise of both those relationships. You also mention that you have no children and are concerned about your age and prior ob/gyn history. So getting pregnant from him was important to you, even if it meant accelerating things because of your age and deceiving him to facilitate it.

 

He saw it as oops pregnancy, I saw it as my own recklessness and once the initial shock was over he was very still affectionate and optimistic about the future. We were still in a romantic relationship until the day I broke the bad news and he began ghosting me.

so it was extremely hard to compute what had happened. I couldn't make sense of his reaction but I had plenty of time to analyse my own action. I reached the conclusion that I am not normally an irresponsible person therefore there must have been an underlying reason why I did not take further action to prevent the pregnancy.

 

In some way under other circumstances is liberating to gain insight into ones own actions but also a dangerous place when facing it alone, which pushed me to the edge.

As looking back we were happy with what we had,before the subject of starting a family had propped up, I thought I was happy with never having children again unaware of the reality of the unaddressed disappointments buried underneath.

[Gems03]

Figureitout23

 

sorry

I accidently quoted your previous comment in Wiseman's reply. I read your second comment and replied separately. I am still getting a hang of posting with quotes in here.

[Wiseman2]

Was it recklessness or the fact that you claim he mentioned wanting more kids one day?

[Gems03]

I am not sure which post you are referring to. But he let me off on basis of recklessness. Underlying reasons for this action is something I had to dig on my own. As I said to be fair on him he did not accuse my of anything. I reached this painful conclusion upon reflection as I know my past better than him.

Regarding the fact that he wanted kids: I have to express: It wasn't one day: It was very near future. (spring) As I reminded him of my age. I had my self checked out for underlying medical issues.

About Abitbrokens comment of medical checkup: I did go for a through checkup, the results where remarkable. I shared this report with him and we were both trilled.with no obvious medical reasons it was only matter of age and probability now.

In hindsight I feel that (asides from his personal past, tradition in family to start a family early this may had put more pressure on him ). My age became an extra factor in his commitment for something he was not quite ready for admittedly now. We can go over this forever but the things we have both admitted are the key.

[Jellybean9]

And post from people like Jellybean helped me come to terms with the grief and the not so perfects parts of our relation. Like his general absence to real issues which would have not lead to an ideal relationship on the long-term anyway.

 

Like you said I need to focus on healthy habits and interests again as apart of the healing. Sadly his small village was my safe place where I had had found myself before meeting him, I cannot return to that village again now but I hope to find that safe place with in myself now.

 

Aww this was really touching. Glad it has helped.

 

You will find that safe place again for sure.

 

Hope you've been well and focusing on you x