abitbroken Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Did she know you were married?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pablo360 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Share Posted November 14, 2018 I agree that if the information is wrong there are serious consequences. This is why I put in a disclaimer that the advice is based on the current story. In his story he says: and at the hotel she kisses him back for a second. So from the time she says this and till after he's married she's still attracted to him. Also when she says he has a special place in her heart that would also mean she's pretty interested. Now, if there's new information on this mystery guy, or when she says she feared rejection knowing that he loved her could mean a new guy as opposed to him saying no when he started dating, then yes. That would be a totally different guy and he's just been a friend she was attracted to but not in love with. Need more details. Bottom line though is if he's not going to treat the wife well and go chasing after her then why is he married to her? If she reciprocated the kiss and it went further would he just divorce his wife right there? If he can treat his wife well, stay married. If not then divorce, and then maybe Manami. If he's going to keep thinking Manami all the time then whether or not he gets Manami, he isn't going to be able to make his wife happy. His wife is going to need options on how to break up, so it's easy for her, assuming Manami stays in his head. But if it's possible to be in love with Manami and his wife then stay married and treat the wife well. Some people can do this, others cannot. I'm waiting a bit more before starting with my responses, but there is something that I would like to make absolutely clear: I will never, ever divorce my wife over this and that thought has never, ever crossed my mind. The point of that last conversation I requested is simply to ease the process of achieving peace with everything that happened. One way or another I'll make every effort to end contact before the end of the year (of course, my own process to get over it, which will involve professional help, will take longer). But even if I do meet Manami in a few weeks and she says that she has been secretly loving me all this time or that she has just realized she actually feels something for me (she won't because it's not true) I will probably just smile sadly, shrug and say "pity, we could have been great". My intention is to make every effort to leave this behind and focus on my marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 This is the problem people marry the wrong person because of there desires, everyone will always tell you to hide your, feelings, most likely your feelings for this other lady will not go away at. is marriage by force. How can you have a successful marriage your heart is not there at all. So, you should tell your wife, the truth and contact the other women and express to her how you are feeling. Its not about marrying the wrong person - its not allowing life to be lead by your wiener. we don't know if they met after he was already married or he married somewhere in the middle unless i missed it. When you marry, you forsake all others, including but not limited to, not going on dates with people other than your spouse, putting your spouse's well being ahead of others - in other words, reducing any chance of temptation. you "choose" your spouse when you marry them. You don't hide that you are married, even if its by omission. Any friend you can't introduce to your spouse/are hiding from them is an inappropriate friendship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherrySher Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 It comes down to this, and it is very simple...this woman had years and years and years to scoop you up, so to speak, if she thought you were "the one" or thought you were worth it. She walked away, every single time. How much more do you need to know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pablo360 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Share Posted November 14, 2018 We met 5 years before I got married. She knew I was married the moment it happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pablo360 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Share Posted November 14, 2018 Tinydance: Thank you very much for taking the time to give me your thoughts (that goes to everyone) Please see below my comments / thoughts: - Yes, she has been seeing other guys. We've discussed it several times (we have also discussed other girls I have seen and, of course, my wife). One thing that I probably should have included is that, after NYC, I never again told her about any feelings I had for her and I treated her like a friend to the extent I could (except, of course, when I tried to kiss her). Funnily enough, she never told me about a long-term relationship or serious relationship of hers. The description I remember best was "I see guys...they don't mind if I see other guys, I don't mind if they see other girls". If she had a boyfriend (I means someone with the actual title), she hid it from me. - Like I said, I found it weird that she brought up the boss story. But, if you ask me, that incident seemed to make her feel pretty good about herself when she told me. - Was she ever interested romantically?... gun to my head, I would say only once. During the NYC dinner, her mood was rather flirtatious. For example, I did tell her that I had realized that I wanted a Japanese wife. When I said that, she gave me... you know... that smile and said "good to know". And she did go upstairs with me. That's why I had so many regrets about it. I think that, even if just for one night, she had wanted something to happen and I blew it by being romantic, rather than seducing. - Yes, I agree, this is really messed up. The reason I'm asking for help is because I'm decided to end this sooner rather than later. It's just that I feel I do need that last conversation to ease the process of being at peace with the past. - I feel horrible about what I've been doing to my wife. The best I can say is that I'm determined to start the process of leaving this other woman behind and focus on my marriage, never to stray again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pablo360 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Share Posted November 14, 2018 I'm in my early 30's. One of the reasons I'm getting this wake up call, is that I realized I'm way too old for this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 - Yes, I agree, this is really messed up. The reason I'm asking for help is because I'm decided to end this sooner rather than later. It's just that I feel I do need that last conversation to ease the process of being at peace with the past. - I feel horrible about what I've been doing to my wife. The best I can say is that I'm determined to start the process of leaving this other woman behind and focus on my marriage, never to stray again. No, you don't need one more conversation. How do you "start the process of ending it". It ends right now. You don't call or write her ever again. If she calls or writes you, ask her to please don't contact you again - you are going to be faithful to your wife. The closure you need is inside. She already told you to get over her. Unfortunately, you waited until she told you she doesn't have feelings for you instead of stopping this while you and your wife were courting. She was VERY CLEAR that she had no feelings - because she told you she dates other men - and she doesn't care if men she dates see other women. That seems to me like the gavel has dropped. The chapter has closed with that and with you deciding you are too old for this and its unfair to your wife. If you see her one more time, you risk trying to make a move. And you need to start today being the husband your wife deserves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherrySher Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 The process of ending it and needing one more conversation? Again..complete disrespect to your wife. It all should of ended the day you said "I do"!!! This other woman should be deleted, blocked and never again allowed in your life. You are absolutely right...you're too old for this crap. God help your poor wife. What did she do to deserve this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 I'm in my early 30's. One of the reasons I'm getting this wake up call, is that I realized I'm way too old for this. Thanks for the response, I guess you can get over her and be friends later. Good luck with your marriage, I hope things work out between you and your wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pablo360 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Share Posted November 14, 2018 I'd rephrase it more accurately as in love with a fantasy. I do think that your creative mind kind of needs that fantasy, a muse of sorts. So I'd suggest that you frame your mind around that and remember to live in the real world and not let it pass you by as you pine over what doesn't actually exist but for in your head. I mean yes, Manami is a real person, except that she is a person you don't really know all that well at all. You've literally built this very romantic fantasy about her...but that's not love, OP, even if it feels like. It's more like an addiction. It's exciting, makes your heart beat faster, but it also takes away from your real life just any drug does and if you allow this to continue, eventually it will simply drain you and destroy your marriage, your wife, your real life. Maybe figure out other sources for creative inspiration and that adrenaline rush that doesn't involve another woman. Plenty out there to choose from and ultimately will be better, more exciting and more sustainable in the long run. As for the addiction, only cure is cold turkey. No more meetings, no more talks. Delete contact and choose to do so. God knows she has rejected you enough. Time for you to accept it and move on. I think there is a lot of truth to that. The song I wrote for her that time is the best I ever wrote. Moreover, I started to write another song a year ago. It was ok, I guess, but too short. These days I managed to complete the lyrics, because my experiences from the last few days inspired me. One of the things I'm doing to try to take my attention away from this issue is to go back to writing and recording music. That is what I'll get myself busy with over the weekend (as of now, my job is helping a lot in that area). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pablo360 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Share Posted November 14, 2018 Thank you very much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pablo360 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Share Posted November 14, 2018 Either way, that will happen before the year is out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 Is your wife Japanese? I had realized that I wanted a Japanese wife. - I feel horrible about what I've been doing to my wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pablo360 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Share Posted November 14, 2018 Is your wife Japanese? Yes, she is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 Yes, she is. There you go. At least your wish of a Japanese wife came true :). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annia Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 Ok, in that case I'll put in my two cents. It seems to me that the secret person that Manami was in love with is you. Both of you never ended up in the same city at the right time. Most of her life she's gone from one high end position to another high end position. Times that she has wanted to meet you have appeared to you as weird. She wanted to see you in Texas but felt guilty for you coming out and not getting much time with her. She said that and you took it as a lack of interest. She took it as it was not worth it for you to see her since you were getting little time with her. The time in Boston she may have been too busy for a relationship at Harvard so it was not a time to get started. She spent much of her time pursuing career and now that it's coming to a close she's realizing she chose career over you, and over having a good relationship. When she says she's liberal and doesn't care about the ring she doesn't mean take her to bed. She means she was willing to see you to see what would happen despite you being married. You are, however, married. So you two went from being too distant in terms of location, not available in terms of time, to you being married and locked in a relationship. At this point if you divorced your wife it would have to be because you don't want to be with her. Not because you want to be with Manami. There is a very real chance that even if you were single now, things would not work out with Manami or that 2 years into the relationship you may feel that she's just too busy too often. The feelings you have right now are stronger because you feel like you missed out. If you were actually with her and that relationship ran it's course with her focusing on her studies and not having much time, you would be very happy that you met your wife. On the other hand, if you didn't meet your wife, it may be that Manami is now looking for a spouse and may have enough time to devote towards a relationship. I don't see her as someone that's manipulative. I think she chose career and now is realizing what it cost her. I say all this based on the story you told me. You may have details you haven't told me that would change my response. If you think you can treat your wife well, then be with her, get over Manami and enjoy your life. If you're going to give your wife a bad marriage because you just can't stop thinking about Manami for the next 20 years, you may need to talk to your wife and see what she would like as options. It is possible to be in love with two people and only be with one. You need to see where you can do the most good. I see no clue in anything he wrote that she has has any type of feeling for him. Not even friendship. She seems not to care about the OP at all. Maybe she's flattered by his almost decade long obsession (yes, obsession) but anything more than that is reaching. We're probably not reading the same thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annia Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 I'm waiting a bit more before starting with my responses, but there is something that I would like to make absolutely clear: I will never, ever divorce my wife over this and that thought has never, ever crossed my mind. The point of that last conversation I requested is simply to ease the process of achieving peace with everything that happened. One way or another I'll make every effort to end contact before the end of the year (of course, my own process to get over it, which will involve professional help, will take longer). But even if I do meet Manami in a few weeks and she says that she has been secretly loving me all this time or that she has just realized she actually feels something for me (she won't because it's not true) I will probably just smile sadly, shrug and say "pity, we could have been great". My intention is to make every effort to leave this behind and focus on my marriage. Why do you need to wait for the end of the year? Why not cutting contact right now? This meeting you're pursuing with her for "closure" is just an excuse for you to stay connected to her and because you secretly hope she'll reciprocate. You should've went no contact many years ago. You've been procrastinating the unavoidable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jhain Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 You can't possibly be. Check yourself before you spoil things Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starrdeal1 Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 Sounds to me very typical. Man gets Married, man has lust, man indulges, man gets shocked he's in trouble, mans wife all of a sudden not the one. (I'm speaking in cave man accent). You've already betrayed your wife right? This woman has no respect for your vows. The devil knows our weaknesses. Cheating isn't my personal weakness. Depression is. So that's what he plays on. Clearly you now know (or have always known) that even though you entered into a covenant perhaps you didn't really understand or take the actual vows to heart. Are you brave enough to share this with your wife? What should you do? You should place yourself in your wives shoes. What If she went to Disney holding arms and more? It would destroy you. This other woman, believe it or not..you will grow tired of her too. Than you will blame her for your first divorce. Make sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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