Are age gaps in relationships inherently immoral?

[makenzie23]

I'm an 18 year old college student living at home who has been seeing a man 40 years older than me. Lately, I have seen a lot of discourse regarding the morality of age gaps in relationships. Does anyone have any advice on whether this relationship is "weird"? I don't feel weird about it. He's wonderful and the most amazing man I've ever met. However, I have been sneaking abound with him so as not to have to tell my parents about him just yet. I would like to eventually tell my family about him, I'm just not sure how to navigate that yet.

[Seraphim]

Personally, I don’t see what people with massive age gaps would have to relate about .

[mustlovedogs]

I would bet this man is older than your dad. That makes it weird. Is he a person in a position of trust in your life? Teacher, professor, coach? How did you meet?

[makenzie23]

We actually have a ton in common. Morals, values, interests, hobbies... I don't relate particularly well to people my age so I know that has something to do with my interest in him, I get along better with older people.

[makenzie23]

He is older than my dad by a few months, which is a little weird I'll admit. No, he is not any of those things. We met on a dating website, OkCupid.

[mustlovedogs]

He is older than my dad by a few months, which is a little weird I'll admit. No, he is not any of those things. We met on a dating website, OkCupid.

 

Ethics aside. Let’s say you stay together and have a baby in 7 years (when you’re 25). He will be 65.

 

When the kid is 10, he may be using a walker.

 

When the kid graduates high school, there’s a pretty high chance he’ll be dead.

 

How does that sound?

[MissCanuck]

Legally speaking, there is no issue as far as consent goes.

 

However, a man nearing retirement age and a teen have nearly zero chance to make it as a serious couple. You are inherently inexperienced with life, while he's already been there and done that, and got the tshirt. You might have some surface interests that match up, but you are miles away from each other in terms of life stages which would make a relationship very difficult.

 

Please, protect your heart, OP. A guy who's nearly 60 years old is flattered that a very young wants him but you are more than likely going to get hurt here.

[makenzie23]

All good points. Of course that doesn't sound great. I just can't imagine I would ever break up with him now, simply because there's a good chance he will pass away before me.

[Seraphim]

We actually have a ton in common. Morals, values, interests, hobbies... I don't relate particularly well to people my age so I know that has something to do with my interest in him, I get along better with older people.

 

What I mean is say I am talking about the Berlin Wall with my partner they have the same generational references. They were old enough to remember it. There is a difference living through something as opposed to reading about it.

[makenzie23]

Legally speaking, there is no issue as far as consent goes.

 

However, a man nearing retirement age and a teen have nearly zero chance to make it as a serious couple. You are inherently inexperienced with life, while he's already been there and done that, and got the tshirt. You might have some surface interests that match up, but you are miles away from each other in terms of life stages which would make a relationship very difficult.

 

Please, protect your heart, OP. A guy who's nearly 60 years old is flattered that a very young wants him but you are more than likely going to get hurt here.

 

I have heard this before. Of course he is more experienced in life than I am, I see that. I suppose I am just missing how I will wind up getting hurt in this sort of relationship, as opposed to any other sort of relationship.

[mustlovedogs]

All good points. Of course that doesn't sound great. I just can't imagine I would ever break up with him now, simply because there's a good chance he will pass away before me.

 

You don’t want to break up because his lifespan is shorter than yours?

 

Do you want to be with a dying old man?

 

Statistically the life expectancy in the US is 75 years approximately. Keep that in mind.

[makenzie23]

What I mean is say I am talking about the Berlin Wall with my partner they have the same generational references. They were old enough to remember it. There is a difference living through something as opposed to reading about it.

 

Do you often discuss historical events (the time, place, where you were, etc.) with your partner? Or do you more often discuss current world happenings? I would be more inclined to think it would be the latter, though I don't know you personally.

[makenzie23]

You don’t want to break up because his lifespan is shorter than yours?

 

Do you want to be with a dying old man?

 

Statistically the life expectancy in the US is 75 years approximately. Keep that in mind.

 

You're absolutely right, that is the life expectancy. He happens to be in astonishingly good health, though that truly doesn't matter. The future isn't guaranteed to anyone and we should be happy while we can, no?

[Seraphim]

Both. We are both serious history buffs.

Do you often discuss historical events (the time, place, where you were, etc.) with your partner? Or do you more often discuss current world happenings? I would be more inclined to think it would be the latter, though I don't know you personally.

[mustlovedogs]

Both. We are both serious history buffs.

 

And even if you didn’t talk about it, experiencing something is still different. Still life altering.

 

OP - you’ve never lived in a world without Google.

 

Your boyfriend has mostly lived in a world without.

 

You probably don’t know what a floppy disk is

 

You probably never saw crank car windows.

 

You have never experienced a war.

 

This won’t last. You’re better off breaking it off now and finding someone your own age. There are mature people your age. And, believe it or not, I would bet your boyfriend is exceptionally immature for his age.

[MissCanuck]

I have heard this before. Of course he is more experienced in life than I am, I see that. I suppose I am just missing how I will wind up getting hurt in this sort of relationship, as opposed to any other sort of relationship.

 

Because this has a very low likelihood of making to the serious stage. Most old guys are not going to be interested in a teenager for much more than some fun and an ego-boost. The chance that he sees you as a serious dating prospect is slim.

 

You would have a far greater chance of success of a sustainable relationship with a boy in your age group.

[makenzie23]

Both. We are both serious history buffs.

 

That sounds like fun (: Yes, it's true I never got to see the world he grew up in. In a way I find that charming though, he knows so much and can teach me about it all. He's extremely intelligent, which I love. In a way, he hasn't seen the world I grew up in either. Instead of seeing it as something we DON'T have in common, I would rather look at it as something we can learn about each other.

[mustlovedogs]

I know I’m double posting. I’m sorry.

 

OP - imagine if your dad starting dating one of your friends. Would you support that?

[Seraphim]

And even if you didn’t talk about it, experiencing something is still different. Still life altering.

 

OP - you’ve never lived in a world without Google.

 

Your boyfriend has mostly lived in a world without.

 

You probably don’t know what a floppy disk is

 

You probably never saw crank car windows.

 

You have never experienced a war.

 

This won’t last. You’re better off breaking it off now and finding someone your own age. There are mature people your age. And, believe it or not, I would bet your boyfriend is exceptionally immature for his age.

Yes, this is what I mean. My son who is 21 never experienced what it felt like to live in the Cold War. How terrifying it felt. The atmosphere of what “ might be” or what “ could happen.” I try to explain it to him and all I get is a blank stare . People can read about the Cold War all they like but unless they lived in the same time they aren’t going to know what it “felt” like .

[mustlovedogs]

Yes, this is what I mean. My son who is 21 never experienced what it felt like to live in the Cold War. How terrifying it felt. The atmosphere of what “ might be” or what “ could happen.” I try to explain it to him and all I get is a blank stare . People can read about the Cold War all they like but unless they lived in the same time they aren’t going to know what it “felt” like .

 

Agreed. I just wanted to emphasize that you don’t have to be a history buff for it to be impactful :)

[makenzie23]

And even if you didn’t talk about it, experiencing something is still different. Still life altering.

 

OP - you’ve never lived in a world without Google.

 

Your boyfriend has mostly lived in a world without.

 

You probably don’t know what a floppy disk is

 

You probably never saw crank car windows.

 

You have never experienced a war.

 

This won’t last. You’re better off breaking it off now and finding someone your own age. There are mature people your age. And, believe it or not, I would bet your boyfriend is exceptionally immature for his age.

 

I like the comparisons you mentioned (: Yes, I've never lived in a world without Google, but I do happen to know what a floppy disk is and there's a truck with manual windows sitting in my driveway at this very moment.

 

It's possible it won't last. And it's possible he's immature for his age, but I've never noticed anything that indicates that.

[makenzie23]

Because this has a very low likelihood of making to the serious stage. Most old guys are not going to be interested in a teenager for much more than some fun and an ego-boost. The chance that he sees you as a serious dating prospect is slim.

 

You would have a far greater chance of success of a sustainable relationship with a boy in your age group.

 

Mhmm, I see. Now what do you make of him saying he would be open to marriage and children with me?

[MissCanuck]

It's possible it won't last. And it's possible he's immature for his age, but I've never noticed anything that indicates that.

 

And that's precisely how your own inexperience works to his advantage.

[makenzie23]

And that's precisely how your own inexperience works to his advantage.

 

Well, are there any signifiers that a man is immature for his age other than the obvious ones? I suppose it's possible I'm missing something.

[MissCanuck]

Mhmm, I see. Now what do you make of him saying he would be open to marriage and children with me?

 

He knows it won't actually happen.