Messed up with ex - what to do?

[Farami]

Hi! I have lurked here for sometime and found the advice given by everyone here really well thought out. I have a problem of my own now.

 

I had a long distance relationship with a man whom I met on the net and I visited him last year in the States. We had an ongoing relationship for 4 months after I returned, and before the 5th, I got into a really bad fight with him, threatened to break up and then he gave it to me and said he was tired of several things about me which over the months, he had been warning me to change because he couldn't change his personality.

 

It was stuff like I was too needy and clingy to him and didn't give him space to do his own stuff. We are on different timezones and when I'm at home, he's working, when I'm working he's at home and wanting to relax and just watch TV and he hated it when I try to talk to him either on the phone or MSN and he said I just couldn't leave him alone.

 

The day after we broke up, I felt I was so stupid to threaten break up (I did it a lot of times and it made him more and more unsure to be with me) He tended to yell when he got upset even it has nothing to do with me and he gets annoyed easily. After we broke up, he said he still wants contact and not to cut him off. So I asked if I could get back together again. He was very unsure and said he doesn't believe I can change myself. Then finally he gave me conditons that if I can fulfil and comply, he said he will see if he wants me back again. He also said he didn't care if I still told people I am his gf. And I shouldn't bug him about this situation and don't push him and annoy him.

 

So the conditions were that I have to comply to things he says, I cannot be clingy, I have to give him space, I can't talk back to him or be sarcastic. These are all fine, but there was the last one which I didn't know if I should believe him, which was, if he wanted to go out with girls and flirt with them or sleep with them, I must accept it.

 

I have already bought a ticket to visit him again and he said he wanted to see me again but he thought it will just make us more attached to each other and he rather that I don't go. The next day I asked again and he just said he didn't care anymore if I wanted to go there, he just told me to do what I want.

 

Right now he's still talking to me, he calls, and he still says he misses me, and he loves me.

 

I'm confused and also very not sure what to do regarding the part about accepting him sleeping with other girls. Or whether I should proceed on my trip.

[melrich]

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and your "partner" sounds like a potentially nasty guy.

 

I don't think you should go on this trip to meet him under these conditions. You cannot change who you are and even if you could he is just going to make more and more demands of you into the future.

 

Really you should just cut your losses and all contact with this guy.

[Farami]

There were more issues of situations when I pushed him about things he didn't want to talk about, he got more and more annoyed about it and we would end up fighting over the phone, and I will cry and he will feel very bad about hurting me but he will just yell at me more cause he said that he will not comfort me when he feels annoyed at me for pushing. But the next day we would always make up again.

 

There were some good things he had done like calling me whenever he could spare a break in his work and he does give me some attention before he watches TV or eats. I thought it wasn't enough and when I 'asked for more' he got annoyed. He also accused me of not considering his needs and want to relax or do work because I just kept on talking and demanding attention from him and he had to reply if not he will feel bad.

 

So it did feel like I messed the whole thing up and made him give me such horrible conditions to work for.

[charlotte_skye]

First off, i know what its like to love and do anything for it, i know what it feels like when u feel uve done everything worng........i understand all this, n so i dont judge u on what your putitng up with but seriously girl i mean SERIOUSLY........

 

i promise in a yr or whatver u will read back your post and go OH MY GOD what was i even thinking even CONSIDERING even beginning TO believe............

 

this guy is the WORST guy i have heard of yet, n ive been with a few bad guys,cheaters liars etc but this guy is being honest about his PATHETIC AND SHALLOW AND EVIL AND DISGUSITNG WAYS and you will be none the better if u allow this to hapen to you.......

 

pls, no girl deserves this....no person........he DOES NOT, I REPEAT DOES NOT give care for ou, he doesnt even have one inch of care towards you, he DOES NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT LOVE YOU AT ALL

 

you need to tell him you wil not accept his sexist, degrading ways n u deserve more n can get SOOO much more then walk away forveer......

 

you have done nothing wrong, some girls are clingy but thats somehting you can work on n that usualy comes with time trust, he should not tell you WHAT NOT TO FEEL AND DO, every feeling is valid.

 

your bein abused here n i hope os bad u listen to this.........

 

do not start to make exscuses for him in which you are, dont keep lying to yourself in hope of holding on n praying that maybe you are just being horrible n it isnt him at all n that he does in fact love u and care about u, because he doesnt........not at all n im sooooooo sorry to say that but i can push it enough......

 

i think u know deep down your makin exscuses for him n that this isnt ght, isnt fair, isnt your fault

 

dont worry we have all done it, ive made exscuses for guys, but you always know deep down.....him ringing and saying he misses u n loves me means a whole lot of nothing.......what about the times he tells u how he can sleep with other ppl , how you shouldnt be who u r, how u can not talk back to him.........far out..........can i ask is HE ALLOWED to talk back to u.........i bet i know the answer

 

i hope this guy gets only what he deserves........NOTHING

[Farami]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah this guy is horrible but I am in the denial stage right now cause it's like I'm pissed this break up sort of messed up the holiday I was looking forward to with him and just having fun.

 

I am unable to cancel this ticket I bought so I'm sitting here with a ticket in my hand and wondering about the money too.

[seren]

DONT worry about the money.....my last ex was a real class act, he owed me money, i was so mad about being let down i wasnt about to also let him take my money n ruin my fun............BUT in the end i said to him 'uknow what keep the money, its my money im payin u to get out of my life'! i had never felt better.......

 

rrying about money your loosing, or trip ur missin out on just hold u back , get empowered n dont go show him HOW MUCH your not givin in to him by even wqastin the ticket

[Farami]

Well, I was thinking of another route to go visit a friend there and bunk over. After all - I shouldn't waste the ticket. It's expensive.

[Farami]

I broke up with this horrible man and I'm not gonna go to US anymore and give him a free bootycall. I'm just appalled that he even asks to keep in contact and as a friend, and I could tell him my problems and he would listen. Why would I even want to tell my personal stuff to a guy who hurt me so much. How would he have time to listen to me now when he didn't even bother about it when we were closer? It's terribly superficial.

 

He's also mentally unstable and verbally abusive. And if I asked what was he doing, or oh are you watching TV again? To him, it comes off as demanding and controlling and he felt "the need to justify it to me" and he blamed me for making him feel bad about doing things and "wanted his space".

 

It really threw me off because we were in a long-distance relationship and I would like to know what he's up to and doing what and he blamed me for how he felt and his feelings, and I was held responsible for all the feelings he was going through that I was making him feel bad, feel guilty etc. I was told by him if I made him feel bad with my questions, I have to apologize and make sure he feels okay again.

 

This guy is not looking for a girlfriend or a wife. He darn needs a mommy!