Farami
-
Posts
23 -
Joined
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Articles
Videos
Blogs
Store
Everything posted by Farami
-
Hi, thanks for the replies. There's 4 kitty boxes in the apartment. And still that's not enough and if we are out for the whole day and the boxes are not cleaned, the cats start pooping everywhere else. @robowarrior, you mean paper or cloth towels? I've tried putting large beach towels on the couch when I'm not useing it so I have less cat-hair there now. I would ask if she can take 2 of her pets back but apparently her situation is pretty poor. She's renting a place that disallows animals. The animals are indoor cats. They aren't let out at all. So I guess that's why there's all the jumping and craziness in the kitchen. To think about it, 8 years is going to be a tough time. (apologies to you cat lovers )
-
So... my bf's ex left behind 6 cats in the apartment when they broke up and the apartment is too small to keep these cats. (Legally, the apt only allows 3 cats.) All of them are adult cats. They have been with him and her for the past 10 years odd. The ex moved to another state and she currently has no means to put in her share of caring for her pets. Hence they are left with my bf. So now comes the problem. When I am staying over at his place for the weekend or vacation, I am getting frustrated trying to clean the house all the time with the cats making a mess everytime I clear something. Like a great quantity of hair on the couch, on the bed, poop in the bathroom and one even pooped and peed on my bed in his place. They get hyper at night and often send things crashing all over in the kitchen. As I am a light sleeper, the noise often wakes me up 2-3 times every night. It really drove me crazy. I think the apartment is way too small for the animals and he doesn't want to give them away since they have been with him for so long. I can't shake off the feeling that they belong to the ex-gf and here I am trying to deal with the responsibility she left behind. I am not a really great animal lover but I don't mind the animals if they belong to me...sort of...since I have two bunnies at my own place. He has asked me to move in with him long-term but when I brought up the issue of the cats, he told me I just have to deal with it and accept that they are here to stay. But everytime I think of the crazy amount of hair I clean everyday, the poop and the noise I suffer at night, I don't know what to do. I will be happy if he gives away 5 of them and just keeps one cat. I can deal with 2 cats even but not 6. But that was suggested and he said he won't do it at all since the shelter will put them to sleep and no one will adopt them since they are old cats. I would love some advise. Somehow I do feel that my dislike for the cat situation is largely due to that they belong too to the ex-gf and it's a big link for her to jump back at my bf. In fact, they are still in contact because of these animals. And then its the hygiene issue with too many cats. Anyone can help?
-
I do feel uneasy yes when I think about it because it is a change that might occur. As this far, we have not discussed this issue anymore and I am leaving him to come up with a responsible solution. I don't work on a "This or nothing" policy, I understand he's going through a dilemma right now as well.
-
It turns into an argument because I tend to get overwrought over it and start crying and it makes him upset and annoyed that I can't discuss it without crying or breaking down, and he starts being angry. He doesn't take her side or my side. He gets annoyed / angry with her as well when she talked to him and begin accusing him of 'taking my side' in things. I've already told him I don't feel good about her being there but I do not want to get into trying to find a solution for her or give her money etc since she is not my responsibility.
-
I'll try to speak with him again. I just do not like it when it becomes an argument. He has not said yes to her and neither is he showing any interest or encouragement towards her return. He did respect my feelings when he told her he'd talk to me first and see how I felt about it. And that was relayed to her. If she forcibly flies back to his town and stands outside his door with her bags, I don't know what he's going to do - no doubtedly he would have to take her in. But this is overthinking on the issue. It is not a small issue but it's not something I wish to blow up when he has no more romantic feelings for her and only wishes to help her out.
-
Thanks for all the help here. I might not be able to use all the advise given but they do give me a varied perspective on my issue. bearhugs to everyone
-
I would say keep him still on the MSN but restrain yourself from speaking to him. I wouldn't say keep him still as a friend but you letting him still see you are coming onto MSN and NOT talking to him after a few times would give him the idea you are simply not interested anymore. I've been through an NC period with my Bf and I know how you feel. It is very difficult. If "seeing" his nick on the msn list makes you itch to type something there - then delete him off. If you don't want to, set your msn options not to allow those pop-up annoucenments when people sign in, so you do not know if he did sign in. Or else create a group and drop his msn inside there and don't ever open that group. "Out of sight, out of mind", if you know that philosophy. Go out more, don't stay at home or near the computer. Erase your call-logs on your phone so his number doesn't appear on your daily-called list. Change his name on your phone to something else or delete it. He just "dumped" you and now he wants back - it could be possibly when you left, it became unfamiliar and he's left with a void and he cannot deal with it, and he just wants that void to be filled so he won't feel upset feelings. I find that men don't like change and he's not different. Good luck!
-
I do feel tired to argue with my bf about her issue again. Talking about her always seem to lead to an argument and right now about her thoughts on returning to stay with him, he doesn't know what to do. He seems quite torn about how I feel and letting her come back. That's my guess though when I asked more in depth why he doesn't know, he couldn't answer. Sometimes I sense he feels a huge well of guilt for dumping this woman but he just won't acknowledge it. No, I am definitely not surprised but I am very surprised now she seemed to accept it all and want his help desperately. As for suspecting her, I never stopped that and I never stopped at thinking she would do whatever to try to wrestle him back - since he meant the life to her. All my bf had to say to this was to trust him and that he loves me. I do know that I look at a disadvantage and this whole thing is making me look foolish, in anycase, I do have the choice to drop him and walk away from it all. But I don't want to be impatient and rush this since he's in a dilemma himself and I walking away and demanding we do not help her in any way is not going to help him. OceanEyes, as for him being fair, how would he be fair in this circumstance? I was quite glad he asked how I felt about the issue and wanted to know how I felt and didn't make a decision himself (since he do not know) Being fair I suppose would be to turn down the woman immediately, whatever her situation would be and tell her to deal with it on her own. Again, even I don't think I can do that.
-
Right now she has not decided on it yet. I think she's probably thinking the same things as I am and the awkwardness she's has to handle and probably emotional reminders and pains again since they broke up over my intrusion into their relationship a year ago. I was quite willing to talk to her and such but quite appalled by her acid retorts of hatred and refusal to discuss anything to aid herself since I had wanted to help her, regarding her situation. I might find myself easily bullied or walked over but yes, I do have a great sense of compassion towards this woman or anyone in such particular situations. Looking on the other side of things, if my boyfriend loves me only and all we want to do is to help someone like her who just can't survive, I suppose all I can do is dole out the milk of human kindness and bank up on my karma points. At times I did put myself in her shoes and try to feel how she felt. Though love is selfish and everything, I find it difficult to bite down being humanitarian and trying to be selfish for myself. Wouldn't it be worse to be pitied then to be loved?
-
If it continues for a year or she drops out of a job and starts being dependent or do anything bad towards me, I will be opting out of the relationship. That's my final call.
-
Well, she's going to be ... a really old child. She's in her mid thirties. I have no idea, Bella. Because we both work on jobs that might send us overseas after a certain number of years' contract. So possibly he might be sent off and I am quite mobile to follow, and whatever it is, we have to leave her behind due to her circumstances. He does feel troubled enough and he has told me he would try to help her if she's in trouble, and maybe for life. But how do I tell him that he has to stop being her crutch?
-
That's the bit I fear - she's rather lazy and might end up being dependent again. I suppose things will only be clearer once I stay with him longterm next year and we could maybe find a larger apt, so she can get her own room. I gave you a PM Bella. Thanks for the reply on forum again, your advice is really precise and clear-cut. Thanks all, hugs
-
lol - yea, it had been rather dramatic through the entire year. I believe in living it through what I experienced so I am trying not to drop this and run away from it and find someone else because I love my guy and things are working out good between us. Who knows too, a new guy might come with a ickier ex-gf problem?
-
It's more like a worry. It's bad circumstance I do know and I shouldn't be riddled with this. But, see, I made the agreement and I decided on it. I feel uneasy but it comes with the package and I don't want to throw it away just yet. I left you a PM, Hope, why she can't go home and etc. Well if it is not his responsibility, how do I tell him that it is not? Because he feels that he needs to see that she's at least not in any bad condition. That's some good advice I would think about, Belle. Thank you very much. And yes, we communicate well and he's often honest with what he feels and thinks to me. He has called me several times today to check if I am doing okay and that I am feeling alright.
-
I have set limits. That if its going to get too much for me, or that he gets into hankypanky with her (ex-sex whatever) or she's starts insulting me or well any other thing that makes me feel very bad, I will take the first step out of the relationship. Also another deal is she has to find a job. A low paying one or whatever, but she must find a job to help with the rent and expenses and not live free. I will be living with him come next year. After my work contract finishes... then it will be a scream
-
Well, he will. And that's a decision that won't be changing. I know why he feels responsible for her. Sometimes it is hard to tell a person to stop caring for another whom he had took care of for so long. Like totally leaving her to die in the ditch, I don't think anyone humane enough could. Telling me to leave him is not a working solution. I would rather like to see how or what kind of compromise I might look into.
-
I sent you a PM Hope, regarding the ex's situation. If you didn't get it, please tell me. She has friends but friends who aren't willing to help her out because they aren't in good circumstances as well. I can tell you more about it in a reply later. Aishin, I know in my heart I have to trust him and let him do what he needs to do. Of course my gut doesn't sit easy but I have agreed to this agreement to let her go back cause she is really in bad bad shape. On one hand, I don't want to really feel like a cruel person because she's really pitiful. I do know a lot of details about her because my bf and me talk about her a lot, just so I would feel at ease about what she's doing and how she is.
-
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and we are long-dist, and I have been shuttling back and forth to his city for 4 times just to get together and stay for manageable periods (2 weeks to a month). Both of us are in our late twenties and working full time, well-paid jobs. Recently his ex (he's been with this girl for a long time, like 8-9 odd years) asked if she could go back to stay cause she's lost her job for like the 4th time and she doesn't have anymore money to live on. We have an agreement before, me and him, that she can go back if she's in financial difficulties cause she is alone in this country. So, now she's deciding if she wants to return. He told me about this and wanted to know how I felt about it. I told him do feel uneasy because I don't trust her. I am trying to trust him because I do not know what's going to happen if she's back there. And she dislikes me. I don't want to be a totally cruel person cause she might be turned out to sleep on the streets that was why I said ok to the agreement. Some of you might think that I am nuts for putting up with this sort of agreement but she did lose a lot. I love this guy a lot, and we have always worked out the kinks in our relationship well and talked about how to align our lives together in the future. He tells me he loves me and I do feel reassured but can't seem to rid that uneasy feeling in my gut. So I am left to thinking, he loves me but he would have to help her cause she has no one else left to turn to. My concern is am I not trusting him now or more like not trusting what she's intending? And what else should I do about this arrangment if it happens? Right now, I am working on a contract bond in another city so I cannot go to him as freely as I like. I really dread the situation when the 3 of us have to live in the same apartment, squeeze and can't have any form of privacy. This isn't the sort of 'Friends' scenario you would see on sitcom TV. Would love replies or a PM. Thanks so much for reading - even so, writing this out helped a bit.
-
I broke up with this horrible man and I'm not gonna go to US anymore and give him a free bootycall. I'm just appalled that he even asks to keep in contact and as a friend, and I could tell him my problems and he would listen. Why would I even want to tell my personal stuff to a guy who hurt me so much. How would he have time to listen to me now when he didn't even bother about it when we were closer? It's terribly superficial. He's also mentally unstable and verbally abusive. And if I asked what was he doing, or oh are you watching TV again? To him, it comes off as demanding and controlling and he felt "the need to justify it to me" and he blamed me for making him feel bad about doing things and "wanted his space". It really threw me off because we were in a long-distance relationship and I would like to know what he's up to and doing what and he blamed me for how he felt and his feelings, and I was held responsible for all the feelings he was going through that I was making him feel bad, feel guilty etc. I was told by him if I made him feel bad with my questions, I have to apologize and make sure he feels okay again. This guy is not looking for a girlfriend or a wife. He darn needs a mommy!
-
Well, I was thinking of another route to go visit a friend there and bunk over. After all - I shouldn't waste the ticket. It's expensive.
-
Thanks for the reply. Yeah this guy is horrible but I am in the denial stage right now cause it's like I'm pissed this break up sort of messed up the holiday I was looking forward to with him and just having fun. I am unable to cancel this ticket I bought so I'm sitting here with a ticket in my hand and wondering about the money too.
-
There were more issues of situations when I pushed him about things he didn't want to talk about, he got more and more annoyed about it and we would end up fighting over the phone, and I will cry and he will feel very bad about hurting me but he will just yell at me more cause he said that he will not comfort me when he feels annoyed at me for pushing. But the next day we would always make up again. There were some good things he had done like calling me whenever he could spare a break in his work and he does give me some attention before he watches TV or eats. I thought it wasn't enough and when I 'asked for more' he got annoyed. He also accused me of not considering his needs and want to relax or do work because I just kept on talking and demanding attention from him and he had to reply if not he will feel bad. So it did feel like I messed the whole thing up and made him give me such horrible conditions to work for.
-
Hi! I have lurked here for sometime and found the advice given by everyone here really well thought out. I have a problem of my own now. I had a long distance relationship with a man whom I met on the net and I visited him last year in the States. We had an ongoing relationship for 4 months after I returned, and before the 5th, I got into a really bad fight with him, threatened to break up and then he gave it to me and said he was tired of several things about me which over the months, he had been warning me to change because he couldn't change his personality. It was stuff like I was too needy and clingy to him and didn't give him space to do his own stuff. We are on different timezones and when I'm at home, he's working, when I'm working he's at home and wanting to relax and just watch TV and he hated it when I try to talk to him either on the phone or MSN and he said I just couldn't leave him alone. The day after we broke up, I felt I was so stupid to threaten break up (I did it a lot of times and it made him more and more unsure to be with me) He tended to yell when he got upset even it has nothing to do with me and he gets annoyed easily. After we broke up, he said he still wants contact and not to cut him off. So I asked if I could get back together again. He was very unsure and said he doesn't believe I can change myself. Then finally he gave me conditons that if I can fulfil and comply, he said he will see if he wants me back again. He also said he didn't care if I still told people I am his gf. And I shouldn't bug him about this situation and don't push him and annoy him. So the conditions were that I have to comply to things he says, I cannot be clingy, I have to give him space, I can't talk back to him or be sarcastic. These are all fine, but there was the last one which I didn't know if I should believe him, which was, if he wanted to go out with girls and flirt with them or sleep with them, I must accept it. I have already bought a ticket to visit him again and he said he wanted to see me again but he thought it will just make us more attached to each other and he rather that I don't go. The next day I asked again and he just said he didn't care anymore if I wanted to go there, he just told me to do what I want. Right now he's still talking to me, he calls, and he still says he misses me, and he loves me. I'm confused and also very not sure what to do regarding the part about accepting him sleeping with other girls. Or whether I should proceed on my trip.