Farami

Hi, thanks for the replies. There's 4 kitty boxes in the apartment. And still that's not enough and if we are out for the whole day and the boxes are not cleaned, the cats start pooping everywhere else. @robowarrior, you mean paper or cloth towels? I've tried putting large beach towels on the couch when I'm not useing it so I have less cat-hair there now. I would ask if she can take 2 of her pets back but apparently her situation is pretty poor. She's renting a place that disallows animals. The animals are indoor cats. They aren't let out at all. So I guess that's why there's all the jumping and craziness in the kitchen. To think about it, 8 years is going to be a tough time. (apologies to you cat lovers )

So... my bf's ex left behind 6 cats in the apartment when they broke up and the apartment is too small to keep these cats. (Legally, the apt only allows 3 cats.) All of them are adult cats. They have been with him and her for the past 10 years odd. The ex moved to another state and she currently has no means to put in her share of caring for her pets. Hence they are left with my bf. So now comes the problem. When I am staying over at his place for the weekend or vacation, I am getting frustrated trying to clean the house all the time with the cats making a mess everytime I clear something. Like a great quantity of hair on the couch, on the bed, poop in the bathroom and one even pooped and peed on my bed in his place. They get hyper at night and often send things crashing all over in the kitchen. As I am a light sleeper, the noise often wakes me up 2-3 times every night. It really drove me crazy. I think the apartment is way too small for the animals and he doesn't want to give them away since they have been with him for so long. I can't shake off the feeling that they belong to the ex-gf and here I am trying to deal with the responsibility she left behind. I am not a really great animal lover but I don't mind the animals if they belong to me...sort of...since I have two bunnies at my own place. He has asked me to move in with him long-term but when I brought up the issue of the cats, he told me I just have to deal with it and accept that they are here to stay. But everytime I think of the crazy amount of hair I clean everyday, the poop and the noise I suffer at night, I don't know what to do. I will be happy if he gives away 5 of them and just keeps one cat. I can deal with 2 cats even but not 6. But that was suggested and he said he won't do it at all since the shelter will put them to sleep and no one will adopt them since they are old cats. I would love some advise. Somehow I do feel that my dislike for the cat situation is largely due to that they belong too to the ex-gf and it's a big link for her to jump back at my bf. In fact, they are still in contact because of these animals. And then its the hygiene issue with too many cats. Anyone can help?

I do feel uneasy yes when I think about it because it is a change that might occur. As this far, we have not discussed this issue anymore and I am leaving him to come up with a responsible solution. I don't work on a "This or nothing" policy, I understand he's going through a dilemma right now as well.

It turns into an argument because I tend to get overwrought over it and start crying and it makes him upset and annoyed that I can't discuss it without crying or breaking down, and he starts being angry. He doesn't take her side or my side. He gets annoyed / angry with her as well when she talked to him and begin accusing him of 'taking my side' in things. I've already told him I don't feel good about her being there but I do not want to get into trying to find a solution for her or give her money etc since she is not my responsibility.

I'll try to speak with him again. I just do not like it when it becomes an argument. He has not said yes to her and neither is he showing any interest or encouragement towards her return. He did respect my feelings when he told her he'd talk to me first and see how I felt about it. And that was relayed to her. If she forcibly flies back to his town and stands outside his door with her bags, I don't know what he's going to do - no doubtedly he would have to take her in. But this is overthinking on the issue. It is not a small issue but it's not something I wish to blow up when he has no more romantic feelings for her and only wishes to help her out.

Thanks for all the help here. I might not be able to use all the advise given but they do give me a varied perspective on my issue. bearhugs to everyone

I would say keep him still on the MSN but restrain yourself from speaking to him. I wouldn't say keep him still as a friend but you letting him still see you are coming onto MSN and NOT talking to him after a few times would give him the idea you are simply not interested anymore. I've been through an NC period with my Bf and I know how you feel. It is very difficult. If "seeing" his nick on the msn list makes you itch to type something there - then delete him off. If you don't want to, set your msn options not to allow those pop-up annoucenments when people sign in, so you do not know if he did sign in. Or else create a group and drop his msn inside there and don't ever open that group. "Out of sight, out of mind", if you know that philosophy. Go out more, don't stay at home or near the computer. Erase your call-logs on your phone so his number doesn't appear on your daily-called list. Change his name on your phone to something else or delete it. He just "dumped" you and now he wants back - it could be possibly when you left, it became unfamiliar and he's left with a void and he cannot deal with it, and he just wants that void to be filled so he won't feel upset feelings. I find that men don't like change and he's not different. Good luck!

I do feel tired to argue with my bf about her issue again. Talking about her always seem to lead to an argument and right now about her thoughts on returning to stay with him, he doesn't know what to do. He seems quite torn about how I feel and letting her come back. That's my guess though when I asked more in depth why he doesn't know, he couldn't answer. Sometimes I sense he feels a huge well of guilt for dumping this woman but he just won't acknowledge it. No, I am definitely not surprised but I am very surprised now she seemed to accept it all and want his help desperately. As for suspecting her, I never stopped that and I never stopped at thinking she would do whatever to try to wrestle him back - since he meant the life to her. All my bf had to say to this was to trust him and that he loves me. I do know that I look at a disadvantage and this whole thing is making me look foolish, in anycase, I do have the choice to drop him and walk away from it all. But I don't want to be impatient and rush this since he's in a dilemma himself and I walking away and demanding we do not help her in any way is not going to help him. OceanEyes, as for him being fair, how would he be fair in this circumstance? I was quite glad he asked how I felt about the issue and wanted to know how I felt and didn't make a decision himself (since he do not know) Being fair I suppose would be to turn down the woman immediately, whatever her situation would be and tell her to deal with it on her own. Again, even I don't think I can do that.

Right now she has not decided on it yet. I think she's probably thinking the same things as I am and the awkwardness she's has to handle and probably emotional reminders and pains again since they broke up over my intrusion into their relationship a year ago. I was quite willing to talk to her and such but quite appalled by her acid retorts of hatred and refusal to discuss anything to aid herself since I had wanted to help her, regarding her situation. I might find myself easily bullied or walked over but yes, I do have a great sense of compassion towards this woman or anyone in such particular situations. Looking on the other side of things, if my boyfriend loves me only and all we want to do is to help someone like her who just can't survive, I suppose all I can do is dole out the milk of human kindness and bank up on my karma points. At times I did put myself in her shoes and try to feel how she felt. Though love is selfish and everything, I find it difficult to bite down being humanitarian and trying to be selfish for myself. Wouldn't it be worse to be pitied then to be loved?

If it continues for a year or she drops out of a job and starts being dependent or do anything bad towards me, I will be opting out of the relationship. That's my final call.

Well, she's going to be ... a really old child. She's in her mid thirties. I have no idea, Bella. Because we both work on jobs that might send us overseas after a certain number of years' contract. So possibly he might be sent off and I am quite mobile to follow, and whatever it is, we have to leave her behind due to her circumstances. He does feel troubled enough and he has told me he would try to help her if she's in trouble, and maybe for life. But how do I tell him that he has to stop being her crutch?

That's the bit I fear - she's rather lazy and might end up being dependent again. I suppose things will only be clearer once I stay with him longterm next year and we could maybe find a larger apt, so she can get her own room. I gave you a PM Bella. Thanks for the reply on forum again, your advice is really precise and clear-cut. Thanks all, hugs

lol - yea, it had been rather dramatic through the entire year. I believe in living it through what I experienced so I am trying not to drop this and run away from it and find someone else because I love my guy and things are working out good between us. Who knows too, a new guy might come with a ickier ex-gf problem?

It's more like a worry. It's bad circumstance I do know and I shouldn't be riddled with this. But, see, I made the agreement and I decided on it. I feel uneasy but it comes with the package and I don't want to throw it away just yet. I left you a PM, Hope, why she can't go home and etc. Well if it is not his responsibility, how do I tell him that it is not? Because he feels that he needs to see that she's at least not in any bad condition. That's some good advice I would think about, Belle. Thank you very much. And yes, we communicate well and he's often honest with what he feels and thinks to me. He has called me several times today to check if I am doing okay and that I am feeling alright.

I have set limits. That if its going to get too much for me, or that he gets into hankypanky with her (ex-sex whatever) or she's starts insulting me or well any other thing that makes me feel very bad, I will take the first step out of the relationship. Also another deal is she has to find a job. A low paying one or whatever, but she must find a job to help with the rent and expenses and not live free. I will be living with him come next year. After my work contract finishes... then it will be a scream