Is There Any Chance She Might Come Back?

[Guest]

Can you reactivate this and other apps with a new fresh profile and pics and start browsing, then messaging and meeting women who seem interesting for a low-key coffee?

 

I did and have, decided to take the rest of the year off dating. I went on a few dates over the past couple of months, some good and some bad... I even slept with a couple of the women but it just made me ending up missing my ex more so it was kind of a lose-lose situation. I need to be fully over her I think before I can begin dating again.

[Guest]

I had a major breakthrough in my therapy session yesterday when we discussed Attachment theory. It was almost like a Eureka moment. I basically came to the conclusion that my last relationship was a Anxious-Avoidant relationship' with me obviously having a 'anxious attachment style', It's why I found it so hard to get over my ex and why she acted in the way she did (not that it excuses her behaviour).

 

There are basically three different types of attachment in adults; secure, anxious, or avoidant. They can be broken down further and if you google attachment types you can find definitions. Depending on what type of attachment type you have compared to your partner can help you see how compatible you are and how toxic the relationship might end up becoming, this link and many others out there kind of explain what I went through; aloftyexistence.wordpress.com/2011/02/09/anxious-avoidant-trap/

 

Over the last few months I have been wondering how my ex could treat someone so badly but now I can understand why, it was her attachment style and even though I won't forget I can sort of now forgive. Of course because she was on the rebound from her divorce it would have been hard to spot her attachment style as she lovebombed me in the beginning but as soon as she returned to normal the whole avoidance came into play whereas due to my anxious attachment I became needy and insecure (although with good reason) as I just wanted that intimacy back. Now I can see it was never really there with her in the first place. Also reading about how 'avoidant-anxious' relationships are the types that usually end up those types that are always off and on. Exactly what I went through.

 

I can now also see why her marriage became loveless and sexless, she was married to another avoidant.

 

I now realise her ending it was nothing to do with me and I can forgive her for ending it by text and using the words ‘I need to fancy someone more’. The sad thing is she will never find that person she is looking for as he doesn’t exist. Until she figures out and works on her issues she will always avoid relationships. Having an anxious attachment type myself my initial instinct is to want to help her and try to fix her but I know this is impossible, if I told her about her attachment style her initial reaction would most likely be to run away - avoidance again.

 

I think knowing all this has given me some sort of closure as I now feel ready to move on and not have that hope there that she will get in touch again.

[Guest]

Well despite doing so much better over the last few weeks and months, I did something I shouldn't have done out of curiosity and had a look at her Facebook page.

 

I saw a photo of her with another guy from a month or so ago, they are quite clearly a couple and it must be pretty serious as she had gone on holiday to the Caribbean with him along with her kids. I assume they would have got together fairly soon after we broke up as 4 months would be a fairly short amount of time to introduce a new partner to your children, let alone go on holiday with them I would have thought.

 

Anyway I am still doing ok, guess I'm just a little sad about it. In a way it might help me get the closure I've needed as she's clearly moved on and isn't coming back. Seeing this a couple of months ago would have floored me but I don't feel too bad considering. Despite the sadness I even thought to myself upon seeing the photo 'I hope she is happy'.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry, OP. That must have stung.

 

However, maybe in some ways you needed to see that she has truly moved on. You can release yourself from the holding cell which you've been in (emotionally-speaking)

[Wiseman2]

Although it was "intense", it would be best to forget this since it was just a sexual fling that lasted a few months. She was in the throes of divorce so having all sorts of flings/ affairs is par for the course.

 

Delete and block her from all your messaging apps and social media. Then stop questioning all this or coming up with all sorts of theories about gold diggers, other flings she's having, etc. and just get on some dating apps and meet more appropriate women who are ready, willing and able to date and form some sort of stable relationship.

I'm 38. we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband

[DaisyMayPorter]

Although it was "intense", it would be best to forget this since it was just a sexual fling that lasted a few months. She was in the throes of divorce so having all sorts of flings/ affairs is par for the course.

 

Delete and block her from all your messaging apps and social media. Then stop questioning all this or coming up with all sorts of theories about gold diggers, other flings she's having, etc. and just get on some dating apps and meet more appropriate women who are ready, willing and able to date and form some sort of stable relationship.

 

Agreed. This woman has way too much going on in her life. She’s with someone else, then is still living (still?) with her ex. You need to stop worrying about her and pay attention to yourself or someone else who doesn’t have so much baggage.