Reunited with ex after a LDR breakup

[freshstarts]

I'm a college student who had been doing a long-distance relationship with a guy from my small hometown for 2 years. We began dating right after I graduated high school. I thought that he and I were a match made in heaven. We understood each other, we had the same sense of humor, we gave each other the love and support that we both needed. We were truly in love, and we both believed that marriage was a possibility in the distant future. However, due to family problems/conflict, I moved to a different state thousands of miles away for college, so we couldn't be together for the majority of the year.

 

Long distance took a huge toll on me. We had very different schedules, me being extraordinarily busy with academics and college life, and him having a bit more free time. We got into a lot of fights because of that, him getting upset at me (understandably so) for not making enough time to skype him/call him. I also suffer from depression, largely due to growing up in an unstable home environment. As a result, I was always reluctant to go back home for vacations, even if it was to see my (now ex-) boyfriend. So, trying to start a new life in a different state, pushing myself to make new friends, all while maintaining a long distance relationship took a huge toll on my mental health.

 

Because of that, a couple months ago, I broke it off. Life was a little more smooth sailing after that, I didn't think about him or home much, and I recently entered a new relationship with someone from my college. Even though it's still a bit turbulent back at home, I went back home for the summer to visit my family. My ex contacted me to have a talk in person and get the closure he needed for our relationship. I talked to him about why I couldn't maintain the relationship and that I don't think I'm the type who can handle LDR for an extended period of time. We talked it out for a couple of days, until he finally accepted that our relationship was over. We decided to remain as friends, and we hung out here and there over the summer.

 

The more I spend time with my ex, the more I think that the chemistry we had could never be repeated, even with the person I am currently dating. I realize that I am still in love with my ex (although I haven't told anyone this, including him).

 

I also did not tell my ex that I am currently dating someone new, because I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to break his heart any more than I already have, but I know this is completely unfair to the person I am currently dating. I realize that I am just making one mistake after another:

 

1) Was it a mistake to end things with my ex? Should I have held out longer in our LDR?

2) It was a mistake to enter a new relationship so soon

3) I should have told my ex that I am with someone new

 

Although I feel all of these conflicting feelings now, I keep thinking to myself that once summer is over and I go back to school, I'll starting forgetting about my ex again. Yet, another side of me wants to give up everything and start a new life with him. He's the type of person that I could see marrying, and I know he feels the same way. I left home to start a new life for myself, but now I want to leave everything to start a new life for us.

 

I feel like a horrible person, and I think I am a horrible person. I just want to do what's best for all parties, with the least amount of feelings getting hurt. What should I do with the position I am in?

[SGH]

It was not a mistake to end your LDR. Sometimes we have to let go of people we love when they no longer fit into our lives. Your relationship wasn't working and you were both dissatisfied. It's hard to accept that the two of you could have been compatible without the distance, but you are indeed living quite far away from one another.

 

Perhaps it was a mistake to enter a relationship so soon, but the answer is not to go back to a relationship that clearly wasn't working for you. Take some time to grieve the end of your relationship with the LDR boyfriend. It sounds like you avoided dealing with breakup emotions, which is likely why you are having a delayed reaction. Don't meet up with you ex anymore while you grieve and cut all contact again for the time being. You can't be friends with him as long as romantic feelings are still present.

 

Finally, I think you should stop worrying about what is going to hurt your ex and worry more about how your actions might affect your current partner. You have crossed the line by hiding your meetups and the by emotionally cheating. Your behavior indicates that you need to end your current involvement to sort out your own baggage. Don't hurt another person just because you are hurting.

[DanZee]

Well, there's a bunch of different issues here. If you were fighting all the time with your boyfriend over him not paying you enough attention, the relationship sounds rather toxic. Someone was being clingy and possessive, perhaps even controlling and manipulative. These are not good things, so I wonder exactly what spark you were feeling and whether he was feeling the same.

 

If you have depression, this is going to affect all of your relationships, so you have to keep in mind that this will color your perception of how people feel about you and how you feel about them..

 

Lastly, it is very unfair not to tell your old boyfriend that you are seeing someone new. Your ex has to be given time to heal and move on, and you're not allowing that to happen. Instead, you're holding him hostage as a back up plan. It's not fair. Let him go. It may actually be a relief to him too.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Don't beat yourself up. No need to second guess yourself. LDRs are hard. Maintaining a high school romance is hard at college even if it's not a LDR. The mistakes are not those you listed.

 

1) Trying to maintain a LDR when you wanted to go 1000s miles away to start a new life is a mistake. Would have been best to free each other when you made that choice. It was wise to distance yourself from whatever toxicity you felt.

2) It was wise to make new friends, get involved in your local new life and college life and eventually date local guys. Staying friends with your exbf is a mistake.

3) No, never tell an ex that you met someone new. Why? It's a huge mistake.

 

Have you considered that you've outgrown things and your old bf and the guilt trips are all part of the toxicity you left behind?

1) Was it a mistake to end things with my ex? Should I have held out longer in our LDR?

2) It was a mistake to enter a new relationship so soon

3) I should have told my ex that I am with someone new