Getting together after 4 months of NC

[Larz]

No contact at all. We were together 7 years, and I did the begging and pleading thing for about 1 month after the initial split. I then decided to change my number, e-mail, etc. This woman was not good to me in the final year of our relationship and I did make peace with the break-up. I cried myself to sleep, but I knew I had done everything I could to hold things together.

 

I lost EVERY bit of semblance for hope. I was in complete despair.

 

I decided to try the dating thing - (mind you, I was not entirely ready). I am a very social person, very outgoing and attractive (something I did not realize until I got OFF OF MY ASS!! - Some of you need to do the same).

 

In short, I met several very interesting women. Being alone or fear thereof is NOT the issue here.

 

Ex calls me out of nowhere (from a private line, or *67 - which really pisses me off... I think that's pompous and self-serving... More than likely a control issue with her, knowing her as I do) but I answer it nonetheless, not knowing.

 

She wants to get together this week. Says she's tired of feeling the way she does. I agree to meet her but I am now thinking better of it.

 

It took me a VERY long time to get over this one. We were very close and I took her back after several breakups through the years. This last breakup was the final straw with me and I believe she knew it.

 

BUT - here she is again.

 

I will be honest, I am not ready to hear of her new life and so-called happiness (she's very inclined to seek response this way) nor am I ready to divulge of my details. I've been very fortunate and met some real class-acts.

 

HOWEVER - (THIS IS WHERE YOU ALL COME IN)

 

I raised a child (not of my own bearing) with this woman. We were family. She wronged me entirely and was always the one to twist things around to make them my fault. I've made peace with this. I never imagined I would hear from her.. I truly "buried" her and grieved through it. Some of you know the real pain that comes with acceptance. It's horrible. But I woke up one day and realized that I was still alive, I hadn't shot myself as I had intended and that I could get a life.

 

Bottom line - I agreed to meet her, as I still do and always will love her. I am not a player or a drama *edited by moderator* so honesty is going to take precedence. What I CANNOT for the LIFE of me figure out is what I am going to say.

 

I want to be my usual happy self, and my gut feeling is to not let her know of my grief. I am fully expecting to hear things from her that will hurt me (IE new b/f's, etc.) although I will admit I wouldn't volunteer such info out of sheer respect.

 

Someone PLEASE tell me how to handle this. I want to be on top of my game (so to speak). I am functioning without this person, but I have missed her deeply. I am so afraid of empowering her by making a false move.

 

How do I handle this? Many of you pray for this moment but when it comes, and you've had significant time to heal as I have, its not too easy to give up the pride that comes with it.

 

Please help me.

 

L

[Wimpy]

Larz

 

Are you really sure you're sufficiently "over" her to do this??????

 

Don't go unless you can be 100% guaranteed that it won't set you back.

 

What do you hope to get from it? What do you think SHE hopes to get from it????

 

If you were replying to a post like yours on this forum what would YOU be advising someone else to do?????

[Larz]

If I were replying to someone in this condition, I would advise them to be cool and *appear* happy. I'm not a game player however and I am really still pretty pissed off. I fear my anger may get the best of me. However, I've taken the necessary steps to healing in terms of working out, looking better, feeling good...

 

There's just that void that I have not yet gained closure on. And to be honest... I am not sure I want closure. I'm a broken man. Just kind of in the "twighlight zone" as I sure you can relate (many of you). But I have to survive, you know?

 

As far as what she stand to gain from this, I have no idea... which brings your question FULL CIRCLE.

 

I have NO F'IN idea what this is going to be about. I have always found success in just being myself. I am scared to death. This woman has no idea (or capacity) to understand the grief I have experienced through all of this. And believe me, I am a communicator.

 

For example, the straw that broke the camel's back:

 

"Leslie, you are everything to me. Counseling, time apart, you name it. It's worth it to me. You are everything."

 

Her response?

 

"How do I become NOT everything to you?"

 

I walked away and haven't spoken to her since. Now this. Please, God don't let me weaken. I am a strong soul and I know that I have much to offer. I'm 33. I know life goes on. I really want this woman back in my life, just will not compromise my hard-earned dignity. (Dignity which by the way, comes with true acceptance and surrender in a situation such as this).

 

Ladies and gents, life does go on believe it or not. I didn't expect this phone call. I wanted it for so long, but never expected it. There is so much to lose if I screw this up. (Not for her so much, for ME). I worked hard to survive and live well following this. Just can't say I'm done. Once again, any help is greatly appreciated. By the way, Wimpy, thank you.

 

- L

[DN]

The problem with this sort of approach is that if you go you risk being hurt, if you don't go you wonder 'what if?'

 

There is a middle course between anger and caving-in. Play it very cool, let her see that you have not forgiven her but are willing to listen calmly but with a healthy dose of scepticism to what she has to say.

 

Too late now but I would have asked why she wanted to meet and insisted on something more specific that 'wanting to catch up' or similar. Maybe you should phone and ask that.

 

If it were not for the child I would probably advocate not seeing her - but where children are involved I think you have to take more of a risk.

[Larz]

"There is a middle course between anger and caving-in. "

 

This is the mindset I am trying to achieve. It's tough bro. Thank you.

[DN]

"There is a middle course between anger and caving-in. "

 

This is the mindset I am trying to achieve. It's tough bro. Thank you.

 

Yeah, advice is easy to give - hard to implement. I don't envy you. Good luck and keep your wits about you. Don't let emotion cloud your judgment.

[brando]

If i were in your shoes, i would

 

1.) Act HAPPY. Put on a big ol smile for her to see.

 

2.)As you mentioned give no details of what you were / are up to. It is none of her business.

 

3.)Be positive. Make happy talk.

 

4.) End the meeting first. Keep it short say goodbye before she does. Tell her you have an appointment,plans, meeting a friend, whatever. Dont hang on every word she says, be skeptical, and walk away first. If you don't she will have this so called power over you still. You can be nice, smile. The idea is for her to see that this break up was the best thing that happened to you. Regardless of whether she wants you back or not , and you are still enjoying your life.

 

5.) Be confident. This will be hard. You already know what you went through when she ended it, but that is in the past. Every thing you do is being monitored by her. Believe me, she is looking for you to crack, and this will justify her reasons for leaving the relationship.

 

6.) Don't take anything she says personally. Also very hard to do. It is only her words, her thoughts, they mean nothing to you. If their were boy friends she had since you split, so what, not a big deal. She chose to do the things she did in her own best interest. You had the same opportunitys. You need to suspend the belief that she was trying to hurt you.

 

Their are no guarantees in life, but at least some of these things i mentioned will show her you are confident, undevestated, and mature to conclude that maybe she was right.

 

From what you wrote you sound as if you made some changes and learned some lessons, but it also sounds like you havent internalized them yet, that is left for time.

 

Their is no game playing here. I think what i listed is just a persona to display, rather than the typical dumpee persona. Keep in mind you met other women, keep those women in mind when you see her.

 

It is hard facing an ex. From her one comment about "How do I become NOT everything to you?" sounds as if she has some issues she isn't dealing with. Actually sounds like my ex.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Remember take what you want and leave the rest.

[Scout]

If I were you, I'd let her do the talking. She's the one that wanted to see you, so she's the one that needs to be initiating the conversation and doing most of the talking. Be polite, neutral, but don't give too much of yourself in words. It's really her responsibility to say what she has to say. And there is no need for you to put on a big act of happiness because she'll see right through it.

 

Seriously, protect your feelings and don't give too much of yourself away when you meet her. Of course, you'll want to make a point of asking about the child and so on, but other than that, I'd make sure she leads the conversation and she is the one that brings up whatever subjects need to be talked about.

[evy38]

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't even go thru with this. She hurt you badly and you're healing. Also, you're adorable. You will find love again if you are as nice as you look.

[alphonsefa]

Pretty simple course of action dude, trust me on this one, I've been through it. First and foremost, meet her like you planned. Secondly, screw the games that so many advise playing. Many people advise to play it cool, not talk about the relationship, and act like you're very happy. I'll tell you exactly what this does, it excuses her bad behavior and opens the door way too wide, for her to stroll back in your life. When someone treats you bad, you need to hold them accountable. Now you don't have to act bitter or mad to do this, you just have to be brutally honest with her. By being brutally honest you have a much greater chance of gaining her respect. Very early in the conversation, tell her that you were very surprised to hear from her, and ask her why she called you. Don't let her give you a lame answer like, "I just wanted to see how you were doing". Call her on it if she throws that one at you. Respond with, "after all of these months apart, now you're worried how I'm doing? I don't buy it, why did you really call me?" Make her be honest with you and yourself dude, don't make it comfortable for her like so many advise. Again, I speak from experience here. If you make it easy for her, you again relinquish control to her, because she feels that she can then pick you up and put you down anytime she wants, and she will either turn you into her safety net, or worse yet, just flat out take you for granted. That comment she made that broke you two up, should be put right back in her face. Tell her that you didn't appreciate it and it wasn't the response you expected. Tell her that you've always treated her with kindness, but that she had mistaken your kindness for weakness. Trust me on this, screw the games, say the things you need to say. Be totally honest with yourself and with her. The reason it's better this way is that if she walks again, which they usually do, at least you have a total clear conscience and have no regrets. If you play a game to get her back, it will end up blowing up in your face because she will have you walking on egg shells, trying not to say the wrong thing. You went 7 months with N/C, trust me, you've proven to her that you don't need her. That was a major blow to her ego! Congratulations to you for being able to do that! Call her on her BS, flat out ask her, what do you want with me? And be sure to tell her, "I'm too close to you to just be your friend. I still care for you but I won't let anyone treat me the way you treated me that last year of our relationship". You don't have to use my words, but it's important you say what you need to say, and that you understand the intention of this meeting isn't for you to turn yourself into her door mat. Get all of that garbage that has been built up in you out, and put her on the spot. If she walks she walks, if you cave, she'll wind up playing you again.

[RainaBabe]

You'll forgive me for being the odd man out here, so to speak. The one thing I noticed is that you said she was everything to you, and her response is that she didn't want to be everything to you. You also pretty much blamed her for everything.

 

Now, no relationship break up is without blame on both sides. I think you're angry, but I think that you may be putting everything on her unfairly. And to address my other point, it seems like she may have felt suffocated. No emotionally health person wants to be "everything" to someone else. It's a lot of pressure, it's frustrating, and it turns off the attraction. Believe me, I've been on both sides of this fence, and making someone the center of your life (unless it's your kids) or treating them as though they are is a quick way to mess up.

 

Just my $.02.

[chai714]

Lars,

Be vague in everything that you tell her. There's a difference between being honest, and telling all. I always encourage honesty (because that's what all healthy relationships should be built on), but I discourage telling all (i.e. how many women you've seen, slept with, etc.).

 

Smile when you see her. This is probably the most important piece of advice you'll receive. Smiling conveys confidence, comfortability, and ease. I'm not sure why she wants to meet up with you, as apparently she told you that she's tired of feeling the way she does. I assume she is considering getting back with you. If she asks how you feel about getting back together, a good response would be, "I think it's unlikely, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility." Why? Because you know that you can't jump when she tells you what she wants. I suspect you still want her back, but are there issues that she needs to overcome and you need to overcome, so that you won't have an off/on relationship? Think about this one.

 

One last thing - don't cout 'em before they hatch. Keep your hopes down, and if you're seeing someone, continue seeing them. Do not allow any person pressure you to make a choice. You CAN choose to date your ex, while dating others. This is not game playing, it's called protecting yourself. So, make sure that you don't jump at her call, or your love for her won't be appreciated. Remember, humans tend to value that which is rare or hard to obtain, so help her appreciate you by slowly coming her way. I'd even pull away at times to create some doubt. Doubt is what creates passion. Anyhow, that's my piece for now. Good luck.

[Scout]

There's a lot of terrific feedback on this post, but I have to say at this point, I'd go with what Alphonsefa is suggesting. It seems to me there is a growing tend in everything in our society - from politics to relationships - for people to be vague and not directly address a situation or give an honest answer.

 

I think you should take the tact he advises, if you really, truly want and need closure. And also, take heed of the other poster's comments about owning up to your own actions/behaviors that contributed to the demise of your relationship.

 

Good luck - it's a tough situation, but one that most people on this forum would like to have: a direct answer from the ex on why he/she left, and what they felt the problems were in the relationship. Maybe you'll actually be able to find this information out and learn & grow from it.

[Larz]

You have all given such amazing and profound advice. I took something from every post. We'll see how tomorrow pans out. I will gladly share the results.

 

Thanks again everyone, sincerely.

 

L

[chickenlegs]

I think it would be a good idea to inform her that the way she treated you was inexcusable, but it might be important to be able to do so without becoming too emotional. Let the words do it for you, but be as calm as you possibly can. Don't flinch, even if she starts to get upset. If she gets upset, it will likely be for 2 reasons: 1) she will begin to fully regret treating you poorly or 2) she will use the hurt that your words cause her to escalate the situation by being mean, a weird kind of one-ups-manship that is pretty common in situations like these. Very importantly, though, preface whatever you have to say with an acknowledgement of the things you might have been responsible for that led to the break up, whatever they are, and apologize for them.

 

But yeah, I think talking about how you feel is very important. I'm almost certain the reason Iam still so upset about the ex, even a year after the event, is that I never called her on the things she said and did during the breakup. My respect for her and her wishes allowed her to get away with everything, and now I am alone with that hurt she put into me. If you don't let some of what you are feeling out to her, it will get you. Its got an actual physical mass and weight somehow.

[jewelzrn]

in my opinion she is playing you...I have a sister(not proud to say) that years ago played two men for years...doing what your ex is doing to you...my thoughts...she is unstable and will go to and from different men and back again...you are a very nice man to raise a child from another father...wow...can i have a date??....nice guys always finish last until you find a woman that knows how to appreciate a nice guy....well maybe there is that slight chance that she found out nice guys are hard to come by...i hope that's the case so that you don't get hurt again...fill us in ....oh by the way had you broken up and gotten back together in the past...and if so how long did your break ups last and how long did you stay back together?....look at my posting under "he went back to his ex" and tell me what you think.....

[Larz]

Well. I would love to tell you all that things were completely re-kindled and that she had realized her mistake.

 

She did realize her mistake. Truth is, I spent MONTHS wailing over the love of my life only to find once we met that she hasn't changed a bit. She is still a dream-chaser, still in the exact same place... I was completely unimpressed and to be honest, somewhat turned off.

 

All of those thoughts of our ex's partying it up and making new friends really don't amount to anything in terms of reality. I'm really feeling good about things now.

 

I still miss her at times, but this meeting was a true eye-opener. Three months (although it seems like an eternity) really isn't any time at all. I hope this gives hope to those of you who think one week of no contact is an eternity. It's not even a drop in the bucket, trust me.

 

Keep busy and do what's right. It comes back ten-fold. I am looking forward to seeing where things are three more months from now.

 

: )

 

L

[melrich]

Hi Lars,

 

I wish I hd a dollar for everytime I have heard of his happening. Our partner leaves us...we remember only the good stuff, put them on a pedestal, we get back together with them or meet them and find out they are not what we wanted afterall.

 

Good luck

[DragonGirl724]

Larz, i dont know if this is an old topic which has already been dealt with already but you seem to have a strong head on your shoulders (and quite an attractive one at that ) you should show off your confidence & let her know that this wasnt the end of you. which you clearly acknowledged. and much props to you for helping raise a child not of your own barings. that is a wonderful thing you did.

 

im sure whatever happens will happen for the best & you will continue to find happiness each day.

 

-DG724

[DragonGirl724]

oops just read your update. its good you met up now & saw that things just simply werent meant to be with you 2. she is still the same person she was & is no longer the object of your desire. its best you saw it now, so a year down the line you dont have to pull the old; "hmmm i wonder how things could have been if..." thing.

 

best of luck in all you do, not like youre going to need it.

 

-DG724