Cheating

[RandomVlogger]

Hi, I'm wondering if anyone had any advice on my current situation.

 

I met my partner about 6 months ago now, and when we met we immediately hit it off. There was an attraction, she was really cute and the chemistry was just there for both of us to see. Admittedly, neither of us were looking for a relationship at that point but we both just went along with it, for what it was at that moment. We had one date then she had to travel back to her native country for the holidays for two weeks. In that time, she told me she had an ex-boyfriend who she hadn't completely cut the ties with, to which I said finish what you have to do and just let me know when you're done (assuming that meant to end the relationship with him). She tells me she tried to tell me at the time, however has since apologized for not being more clear as it was only about 2 months later I discovered, there was sexual contact between her and her ex-partner, not full sex but contact.

 

I felt a few things when I found out, hurt and confused and unsure why she would do that to me. Given that we only had one date, we were texting a lot during the period away to which she was telling me she was thinking about coming back sooner, she missed me and we were Skyping and texting a lot during that period, so to find this out was a shock. I asked her post seeing on the first occasion, do you want to keep this exclusive or would you like to continue seeing other people (of which I didn't mind at that point the outcome) and she more or less said she would keep it between us. The reality is, I was much more independent then and I feel like in myself, I would have ended the relationship then if I had found out sooner. Now I've committed my love to her and it's difficult.

 

She explains to me, she was really drunk and it was an accident, something she regrets entirely and if she could take it back she would have no hesitation and in some sense, I was the third wheel because she still had something on going with him. I asked her why she met me in that case she said I didn't expect to find someone like you in truth. I was speaking with a relationship therapist about this as well as quite a few friends, one said even though your head knows what's right sometimes your feelings doesn't always agree, which I think is where I am with this. Sometimes I have really irrational thoughts and even, it's difficult to image our first date now to think after kissing me, she then had sex with someone else to then come back and kiss me again, which really hurts me.

 

Anyway so that's my story if anyone has any advice. Thanks for reading!

[MissCanuck]

Unfortunately, you got involved with someone who evidently wasn't over her ex or maybe not even single yet when she met you.

 

What is the situation with them now?

[RandomVlogger]

Thanks for the response! That was the last time she saw him, it ended then. I have no doubt she is faithful to me and has no feelings anymore for that person, it's just a case of the damage being already done.

[LifeasMe]

One drunken escapade is hopefully forgivable, especially so early in a relationship when you are still finding your feet.

 

To give you a perspective from the other side, I am that cheater. I'd been dating my, now boyfriend, for only a few weeks. I deeply regret it. It was a moment of sheer stupidity. A drunken mistake. I have zero feelings for the hook-up and it does not mean I care about my partner less. If anything it made me realise how much I wanted a future with him. I made an error of judgement by drinking so much and allowing myself to be in that situation. All I can say is it was in no way a reflection of how I feel about my boyfriend. It was random, it was stupid, it was selfish.

 

I hope you get over this feeling of hurt and build a happy relationship.

[DanZee]

You had one date. You're going crazy on an online fantasy romance. And you didn't mention what country she's from. Cultural differences do mean something in relationships.

 

All I can tell you is to stop pursuing this girl, get your head on straight, and go out on a date with a real girl who lives near you. I don't think you're in love with this girl. You've just attached yourself to her. You're needy and clingy and this guy she saw might be her actual boyfriend back home. People can tell you anything online. Get over her and go out and meet a nice local girl.

[MissCanuck]

And is she back in your country now, OP?

[RandomVlogger]

One drunken escapade is hopefully forgivable, especially so early in a relationship when you are still finding your feet.

 

To give you a perspective from the other side, I am that cheater. I'd been dating my, now boyfriend, for only a few weeks. I deeply regret it. It was a moment of sheer stupidity. A drunken mistake. I have zero feelings for the hook-up and it does not mean I care about my partner less. If anything it made me realise how much I wanted a future with him. I made an error of judgement by drinking so much and allowing myself to be in that situation. All I can say is it was in no way a reflection of how I feel about my boyfriend. It was random, it was stupid, it was selfish.

 

I hope you get over this feeling of hurt and build a happy relationship.

 

Thanks for the response and absolutely, I completely take your points into account. I try and tell myself it was an ex-partner and not a 'hook up' as such and nothing that hasn't been done before I was in the picture, but just an ending of another relationship. I suppose it's just a bit mentally scaring and perhaps what's logical to the mind isn't so much to your gut feeling but yes, I would love to build a happy relationship with this person, it's just overcoming this mental barrier I have. I hate when we reminisce moments about our first date because, that was a significant moment in our relationship that I can't think straight without associating it to other feelings, nor can I can celebrate our anniversary on that moment now but instead the moment we started a relationship.

[RandomVlogger]

And is she back in your country now, OP?

 

Yes she lives in my country, she was just visiting home for the holidays.

[LifeasMe]

Thanks for the response and absolutely, I completely take your points into account. I try and tell myself it was an ex-partner and not a 'hook up' as such and nothing that hasn't been done before I was in the picture, but just an ending of another relationship. I suppose it's just a bit mentally scaring and perhaps what's logical to the mind isn't so much to your gut feeling but yes, I would love to build a happy relationship with this person, it's just overcoming this mental barrier I have. I hate when we reminisce moments about our first date because, that was a significant moment in our relationship that I can't think straight without associating it to other feelings, nor can I can celebrate our anniversary on that moment now but instead the moment we started a relationship.

 

It's a sh*tty thing for sure... but try to not let it define or mar your memories. It meant nothing to your partner and is no reflection on how she feels about you.

[Flip00008]

@RandomVlogger Hey! Sorry this happened. I can remember my dating day and the stress that followed. I have been hurt several times and I have also done the hurting as well. We grow and learn from our mistakes. I had a very similar experience with one of my friends. She was at a party with me and I had never seen her as more than just a friend. She kissed me and for some reason and I fell for her. It got me off guard. We started talking more and hanging out, to only find out that she couldn't pursue a relationship with me, because she was in love with someone else. It did bother me, but it just made me a stronger person. A few years later I met the girl I now call my wife. God sure did bless the broken road for me. I will be praying for you!