Don't know what to do

[Idontevenkno]

Hi,

 

I just need some advice and reassurance that this will get better.

 

I've broken up with my boyfriend of 3 years, I chose to end it but feel like it was the worst decision I've ever made.

 

We met 3 years ago and for the first 2 years everything was perfect, we spend most of our time together, he loved all my friends and they loved him, we spent weekends together he stayed over all the time and basically had an amazing relationship. He wanted to move in, we were going to try for a baby (I have a child from a previous relationship) he help out with my child and after ending things with my child's father, he was the complete opposite of him and everything I'd ever wanted, committed, trusting, reliable.

 

From when he was young he was really good at a sport and spend all this time doing this, he got an injury and couldn't continue which devastated him, after this he gained weight and when I met him he was overweight.

 

About a year and a half into our relationship he decided he wanted to lose the weight and took the sport back up but just as a hobby to lose weight as he couldn't do it to the level he had before due to the injury, I was really happy for him that he was able to do this again and supported him.

 

As time went on he got fitter and managed to see a professional to fix his injury. This resulted in him spending more time training and less time with me, this has went on for the last year until now where he now spends only 3/4 hours with me twice a week and a few hours on a Sunday. He's always tired due to training and is on a strict diet with no alcohol or anything, this stopped us doing any of the things we used to together I.e nights out, socialising with friends and he also stopped staying overnight with me, we haven't slept in the same bed in months. It's also taken away from the time that he used to spend with my child and now some weeks he doesn't see him at all. I've tried throughout the last year to express how I feel and that I feel like I've lost him to the sport and that the things that I used to enjoy in our relationship, weekends away together, sleepovers, just being able to make plans together are now all gone, we've had to turn down invitations from friends on numerous occasions due to his strict training schedule.

 

When confronted with how I feel his attitude has always been that this is how it is, he's doing what he enjoys and I should support him, I've repeatedly told him I'm happy he's back doing what he loves and support him 100% (I've been very supportive and will listen to him talk about the sport for hours, watch him it on tv, ask him about his competitions etc) however all I've asked of him is that he put me first sometimes. I've suggested many things like letting me know his weekend schedule in advance so we can make plans, keeping one weekend a month free just for us, seeing me even when tired (I'll goto his), he point blank refused to free a weekend a month for me and half heartedly agreed to the others but never followed through.

 

We've broke up and got back together a few times due to this but Everytime it's been through me giving in and saying I'll accept less than I really need.

 

Last weekend I asked him his shedule for next weekend he said he was unsure and would let me know, I asked when we could next go out for dinner and a couple drinks and he basically told me never and that we could do something else, I asked when he would next stay over and he said he didn't know. A few other things were discussed and I knew in my heart I was never going to be happy with this new version of our relationship.

 

I ended things that night and it was hard for both of us. Apart from this we have no other issues in our relationship, we're best friends, we share the same sense of humour and I genuinely thought he was my soul mate.

 

I managed to get through last week reminding myself that it was for the best then this weekend came and I broke down. We ended up texting all weekend, he said he still loved me and was hurt but knew I wasn't happy and he couldn't change because he enjoyed what he was doing. I had a complete meltdown yesterday begging him to see me and eventually saying I wanted him back and only one small change and everything would be fine. He basically told me no and that I need to remember why I finished things.

 

I regret how I acted yesterday and deep down know I wasn't happy anymore with the relationship, I'm just finding it hard to accept that if he loved me and is hurting as much as me why he wouldn't be willing to make a few small changes.

 

(We also had a date set for him moving in over a year ago and then his home that he owned and wanted to rent out had some structural damamge that needs fixed, he used to spend his free time and money working on this but now that's stopped as all his free time and money goes on his hobby, and all talks about the future and babies etc have ended)

 

I feel like I've made the biggest mistake ending things and now he's so fed up with me going back and forward saying I want to be with him and then bringing up all these problems again.

 

Have I been a fool?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You did the right thing ending it. He is simply not as invested as you are. Particularly living together babies etc. It sounds like there is someone else in his life.

[charity]

You've done the right thing. Its natural that you're hurting and feeling scared and desperate but long term this isn't going to work.

 

You've been unhappy and willing to compromise but he is not willing to compromise and that says it all really.

 

He is either really selfish or his feelings are not as strong as yours.

 

One question - do you have your own social life and hobbies?

 

You will probably be heartbroken for awhile but I really think you've made the right decision for both of you.

[Idontevenkno]

Hi thanks for the replies.

 

I'm 100% sure there is no one else we have fitness apps connected and I know the time that is involved in his training etc and also the type of person he is and that he would not do this. He has made a few sacrifices i.e turning down full weekend trips with his sports friends etc but just not enough to make the relationship what it was.

 

I just miss the old relationship how it used to be and it's hard to accept that he doesn't want that back too.

 

Yeah I have my own hobbies and friends, I work 2 jobs and I'm studying a degree as well as having a child, so I had lots to keep me busy. I have spend the last year filling up the time I used to spend with him with other things.

 

Through the week I'm really busy and was quite happy just spending a couple hours together after work. It's weekends that got to me the most, All I wanted was one weekend a month of his time where we could enjoy each other's company.

 

I guess this was the right thing to do it just sucks that he doesn't seem to be hurting as much as me.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you were both on two entirely different wavelengths. He seemed to get obsessed with one thing or the other and avoided the whole family life, moving in, babies thing on a continual basis. He may have been nice to you and your child, but certainly never had the same goals as you.

[MissCanuck]

You did the right thing, OP. I know it's hard when you love someone and you're not getting the same level of investment from your partner anymore. It seems he was losing interest in the relationship in addition to getting back into his sport.

 

I could see why he wouldn't be keen to eat or drink like he used to, but actively avoiding spending the night with you doesn't make a lot of sense if it were down to his training only. There are also plenty of ways to continue building a future together while he pursues his new lifestyle - if he had truly still wanted a future together. I don't think you were asking for a lot. Not many people would be happy with their partner checking out to the degree that he did.

 

You are going to find this is best in the long run. He wasn't able or willing to put forth the effort to maintain the relationship, and has rearranged his priorities in such a way that it was no longer conducive to staying together.

[Idontevenkno]

Yeah you're probably right, thanks.

[Idontevenkno]

Thanks Miss Canuck,

 

I've just felt that maybe I've been asking too much.

 

I know the sport he does takes up a lot of time and that his friends who also do the sport have wives that have the same complaints.

 

He's said in the that it would be easier if we lived together as would have more time together, as he lives a 30 minute drive away, when he gets home from competing its often late and he's exhausted, he's said he would of been happy for me to come to him but didn't want me wasting my weekend watching him lie around on the couch and goto bed early and never asked me to come, the one time I offered the night before an event he told me he was too busy getting things ready and there would be no point.

 

In the past he had said had if I was willing to move in to his apartment that would be easier, but I have a child who goes to school in this town and my childcare only picks up from this town, his apartment also has no garden and has problems with damp etc so would ever really have been an option.

 

He did always take time to not book up his whole weekend and kept one day free for me. But at the same time it was usually a Sunday which meant no overnight stays and due to shared custody of my child with my ex meant having to be home or go and pick up my child at a certain time so restricted the things we could do.

 

I just feel like I've messed up so bad and maybe he did want to be with me and I just needed to have more patience and do my own thing.

[RayRay63]

actively avoiding spending the night with you doesn't make a lot of sense

 

Ms Cannuck's point makes a lot of sense. Even if he really wanted to pursue the sport - while he still can, and remember, eventually us fellows have to retire and do something less physically taxing - he would still want to spend the night with you. Sounds like he was easing away.

[MissCanuck]

I just feel like I've messed up so bad and maybe he did want to be with me and I just needed to have more patience and do my own thing.

 

You're questioning this now because it's hard to accept the reality: he made less and less time for you, which isn't the behaviour of someone who really wants to be in a relationship. The way I see it, you were willing to compromise, and he wasn't exactly meeting you halfway. He was slotting you in where he had free time, but not otherwise making it a priority to spend time together anymore.

 

Yes, living together would certainly have taken care of the issue of not seeing each other much. But, if he was no longer really open to discussing the future, you were at a dead end.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I think it’s great that he was training to lose weight and make himself look and feel better, it’s too bad that the training took up most of his time. I also think it’s great that he has been refraining from alcohol, but that shouldn’t change the two of you going out and socializing. But what makes me think that he was trying to get out of the relationship is the fact that he wasn’t spending the night. He should be able to find the time to spend the night and the fact that he wasn’t speaks volumes. I think that you did the right thing and maybe he was hoping you would break things off.

[singingstick]

Your lives are going in different directions. A relationship can seem great at first, then wane down after a while. I dated a guy who seemed great for me, but he became so busy and addicted to work, he couldn’t trouble himself to spend time with me. Who wants a relationship like that?

[Giblesp]

My training comes first, without a shadow of doubt. No way I'd put a woman first, because that would make for an unstable relationship. A man always puts his purpose in life first, and trusts that the right person will enter his life. His source of health must come first, so that he can share that with others in a healthy way.

 

However I will also allocate time to a GF, and if I'm only seeing her a couple of times per week will be with her completely for that time. Sounds like the problem here is that he has stopped dating and courting you.

 

If you are still into him, tell him that if he comes to a point where he is willing to give some of his time to you, he can give you a shout. But in the meantime your moving on completely. Total NC, live your life and see other people if you like.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it wasn't "perfect" at first because he never intended on living together, being a family, etc. Sorry but he has completely checked out. It's not about his sport, training schedule etc. It's about not wanting to be with you or moving in or starting a family.

 

It sounds like he was your rebound so you were willing to overlook a lot of subtler signs of his resistance to your trying to replace your ex and restart and rebuild a family. That is what this is about. Not sports and training and tired and so on.

the last year until now where he now spends only 3/4 hours with me twice a week and a few hours on a Sunday.he also stopped staying overnight with me, we haven't slept in the same bed in months. I asked when he would next stay over and he said he didn't know.he point blank refused to free a weekend a month for me

[bluecastle]

I'm sorry you're in pain, but I do think you know, deep down, that what you did is for the best. You can analyze his actions and emotions until the cows come home—and you will, that's natural—but the most important thing is what you've known for a long time now: you have not been happy, not getting enough of what you need to feel secure. That's not your fault, not his; it just IS.

 

People change over the course of a relationship, and so do their feelings. With him, it sounds like he was maybe more depressed about his state (no sport, overweight) than either of you knew when you first met. The relationship, early on, was probably a great salve to that depression. He was having fun, feeling desired, and so on. But that truth was still there: he was inactive, overweight, and not happy about this. He waited so long to address it that when he did it became a kind of plate shift in your shared universe. Instead of seeing that his newfound engagement to fitness could coexist with the relationship, he saw it as being at odds with the relationship, and so he divested in the relationship to invest in himself and that remains his primary investment right now.

 

And that sucks, and I'm sorry.

 

Still, what's important now is that you recognized your unhappiness and took action to find greater happiness. The road ahead is going to be a hard one, but it's the road you need to be on.