My BF said "i love you" to his ex in a text

[cbzfmoc]

Something happened last night that made me really upset. My BF and I were out and he was trying to show me something on his phone. While he was doing that I happened to see a text from that girl he was dating before me. We have been together 2.5 years. He dated this girl for a year, they broke up 6 months before he met me. They broke up mutually because they are good friends but not anything more- no romantic interest on either side.

 

There was a text on his phone from that girl and the only thing I saw was “I love you too...”. So obviously I started freaking the out and asked to see his phone.

So he has worked with this girl for the past few years and they are friends which I’ve never been super happy because I'm not a fan of the idea of people being friends with their exes. He is leaving his job now so they will no longer be "work friends" like they have been. Anyway so of course I asked to see everything and this is what the texts said:

 

Her: “I love you so much. I am going to miss you. Thank you for everything. We will always be friends.”

Him: “I love you too. We are more than just work friends.”

 

I went through a bunch more of the texts between them and they were harmless. However this made my BF mad because he says I need to trust him. I agree with that and I DO trust him but when I see such texts on his phone I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE THEY ARE ABOUT, ya know?

 

My BF thinks this is fine and that he tells his friends he loves them and I that I need to consider the context and that obviously he only has romantic feelings for me. However I am super mad because I feel like it is never appropriate to say that to an ex regardless of “context”. I don’t think he is cheating on me or doing anything "wrong" other than saying this to this girl.

 

Things I need help with:

- I am not sure how much I am overreacting here. I've talked to friends and they said that he cares about me and would not do anything to hurt me, but these texts are inappropriate.

- I am trying to work with him to set BOUNDARIES with this girl. I don't get how this girl could say "i love you" to my BF and not think that would piss off his current girlfriend when she knows we have been together for a long time.

[j.man]

Being bilingual, one thing I've always appreciated Spanish for is having both "amar" and "querer" when it comes to expressing love to someone. Too often you can't say you love someone who's not family without it being seen to have romantic connotations. I'm very fortunate that my lady understands me and accepts that nuance. Last year, when my lung collapsed, her coworker whom I happen to get on quite well with came to visit in the hospital. She went to leave, gave me a hug, and I said "Love you, [x]" right in front of my then girlfriend, now fiancee. Yeah, you could say it's a hospital setting, but I'd say the exact same thing were I saying goodbye to her after enjoying her company at a party.

 

Two things stand out that I'd give him the benefit of trust on:

 

1. Her saying "I'll miss you a lot." You might see that as "omg how close are they?" I see it as dude did a damn good job compartmentalizing their dynamic and establishing boundaries if him leaving the job means she thinks whatever personal relationship they have is effectively over.

2. You went through his messages and didn't find anything incriminating. To be honest, I'd have dumped you right there. Not necessarily because I don't think your skepticism was unfounded, but that I'm-- even if stubbornly-- unwilling to set any precedent that trust is even vaguely dependent on going through my private correspondences. Still, it is what it is, and you found nothing when afforded the opportunity to find something. If that doesn't count for anything to you, then I'm unsure the point of asking him for access to begin with.

 

Being raised disproportionately around women, having dated quite a few, and having many as friends, does it surprise me at all that she said "I love you so much?" If she legit regards him as a good friend, or even just a welcome reprieve at work... no, not really. If a gun were to my head and I had to guess either way? I'd say there's a good chance she still digs him. I have no idea how "mutual" their breakup was. Regardless, his response strikes me as simply being kind, even if arguably too kind. The other supporting evidence would seem to support that's all it was.

 

But, at the end of the day, you've got to trust him, which includes not policing him on how to set up boundaries you think are necessary. You've seen personally, and he's explicitly told you, that these are his affections towards others. If that doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. That's fair enough. But you might want to consider your exit, then.

[RedDress]

I think it’s a little bit of everything.

 

I understand wanting to see the texts when you see “I love you”. I would want to see them too! Lol!

 

I understand how that can make you uncomfortable.

 

... but to me, it sounds like a goodbye text. If she’s saying “I’m going to miss you”, she is saying she doesn’t intend to see him regularly. For him to reply “we are more than just work friends” implies that lately they have only really been work friends. Given that all the other texts were also harmless - it doesn’t sound like anything is going on. The “I love you” was probably just an “I love you as a friend”. It doesn’t sound like romantic love was implied.

 

Has he given you any reason not to trust him before?

 

I think you are overreacting a little, unless they intend to spend time outside work together anytime soon.

 

For what it’s worth, I doubt she was thinking about you at all when she sent that text. Personally, when I send a text to someone, I don’t assume their partner is reading those texts. It also doesn’t sound like she meant it in a romantic way, so the thought that it could upset you probably didn’t even cross her mind.

 

I think it’s a reasonable boundary to ask your BF not to say “I love you” to friends or other women as you find it upsetting and disrespectful... that’s fine... but if this relationship is basically dying anyways, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

[MissCanuck]

Well, does he say "I love you" to other friends?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. At best...an emotional affair. At some level you know he's never gotten over her.

Him: “I love you too. We are more than just work friends.”

[singingstick]

I don’t think you’re overreacting necessarily. I can see how this might be upsetting. Look at it this way, they had the option to be together. They tried to be together. It didn’t work out. Love is a funny thing... it’s never enough to keep a romantic relationship in tact because there are so many other logistics that go into making a relationship work. There is a good reason she is an ex and he’s moved on with you.

 

I have a guy friend whom I love dearly. He’s handsome and sweet, but he will never be my boyfriend. We tell each other we love and miss each other, but it’s not like a romantic thing. It’s a friendship thing. We are both straight and attracted to each other but we both realize that the relationship is not logistically feasible and romance is off the table. It’s a weird dynamic but I do find it possible. That’s what makes me believe your bf.

Perhaps you need to put him in your shoes and how he’d feel if you were doing that.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I have a guy friend whom I love dearly. He’s handsome and sweet, but he will never be my boyfriend. We tell each other we love and miss each other, but it’s not like a romantic thing. It’s a friendship thing. We are both straight and attracted to each other but we both realize that the relationship is not logistically feasible and romance is off the table. It’s a weird dynamic but I do find it possible.

 

Singingstick, I too have a long time guy friend who we've both admitted we are attracted to each other but because we live so far away we cannot be together. No big deal , it took me awhile, and I've learned to accept it. We briefly kissed back a few months ago, and right after it happened, we decided it shouldn't have happened and he told me, begged me to stay in touch because our friendship means so much tohim. But we haven't stayed in touch since that happened as much as we used to, so I eventually got in touch with him last week wishing him a happy birthday and we texted several times throughout the week. Anyway, I have a feeling he feels uncomfortable all of a sudden because of the kiss that shouldn't have happened. How do you move on from that? How do you keep going with your friend you are attracted to? I want to tell him he can call me like he used to and I won't think anything of it, how do I tell him that?

[Minikimini]

I went through a bunch more of the texts between them and they were harmless. However this made my BF mad because he says I need to trust him. I agree with that and I DO trust him but .

 

but nothing.

 

You need to trust him.

 

If he's giving you absolutely no reason to doubt his love for you and all of your reasons stem from an overactive imagination or what some other guy did to you in the past, then you're not ready to be in a relationship.

 

j.man bring up some really good points in his post.

 

People who have unresolved trust issues need a therapist more than they need a boy/girl friend.