Back in contact with LTR Ex-Girlfriend, need advice on what to do next.

[Eastman]

I'm 33 she's 32, we've been together for 5 and a half years and she broke up with me 7 months ago.

We were fighting a lot, said abusive words to her, she did too and after a long period of many fights she broke up with me.

We lived together and were planning to get married, but the last year of the relationship was difficult.

I've asked for forgiveness and apologised as honestly as I could.

 

I went to no contact when she moved out of our apartment, tried to get her back about a month a half later, but I wasn't ready, and was way too emotional

but I accepted it pretty quickly and went NC for another 3 months or so.

She is a very stubborn person, but at that point she admitted many of her mistakes in the relationship as well, which was not easy for her.

 

Lately we've been texting here and there, basically small talk, but also about things that interest us and we joke around too.

My mom spoke to her mom a month or so ago, and she said that my Ex always speaks well of me, and remembers the good things about the relationship.

After 2 weeks of texting here and there, my ex all of a sudden said that she could not forget the bad things that happened between us

and remembered how we used to fight.

I haven't brought the relationship into our conversations or anything about wanting to get back together prior to that.

 

Today I've talked with her on the phone for the first time in about 3 or 4 months.

She told me about this new restaurant she went to with her girlfriends, that i should take a date there...

I've asked for her advice, on what kind of present should I buy for my mother's birthday, she knows her taste well.

I've asked if we could meet and look for her present together, she said that she is not sure if it is a good idea, because the last time we met,

4 about 5 months ago, it stressed her a lot.

 

She said that if she knew that I don't have feelings for her, she would go.

When we texted each other, she said that she wants to know that everything is clear between us, and I've said that it is so.

 

It is kind of difficult to understand why is it stressful for her to meet up with me.

On the phone, today, she said that not enough time has passed for her to feel comfortable to meet with me, maybe in a couple of years she said...

I don't know if she is testing me to see if I have feelings for her, I'm kind of confused...

 

She is quite a stubborn, and a difficult person at times, I do have feelings for her, and I would love to give this another try, and start dating her again and see what's it like,

after all, we've different people now, in some ways.

 

I have confidence in my ability to achieve my goal, and to enjoy that process, I know it will take a long time and maybe I'll fail,

but I really want to find a way for her to open up to me, at least a little, trust me more, but it is kind of difficult to do without meeting in person.

[smackie9]

She told you flat out no, because she knows you still have feelings for her and it's pretty obvious she is going to avoid any of your attempts to meet in person. She is willing to be friends, when you have gotten past the feelings and have moved on.For now she is just being "cordial" with you. She isn't testing you , what she is saying is very clear. ....she doesn't want to try again...and you need to respect that.

[Eastman]

She told you flat out no, because she knows you still have feelings for her and it's pretty obvious she is going to avoid any of your attempts to meet in person. She is willing to be friends, when you have gotten past the feelings and have moved on.For now she is just being "cordial" with you. She isn't testing you , what she is saying is very clear. ....she doesn't want to try again...and you need to respect that.

 

That’s a possibility, but why was it so stressful for her to meet with me then, or now. I didn’t show her that I have feelings to her or that I wanted to get back together in our texting, at all.

[smackie9]

She is worried that you would be a blubbering mess begging to get back together/ put the pressure on her/ or try to weave your way back in. You were together for 5 1/2 years....she knows you very well. She wants none of that. That's why she said in about 2 years....she really wants this to be over.

[Eastman]

I thank you for your opinions, but isn’t this supposed to be the getting back together forum?

I didn’t give any signs that I’m going to be a blubbering begging mess... I didn’t bring the subject of getting back together since November or so...

 

I never thought this was going to be easy, and I accept there’s a chance that she will never want to try again, but I’m confident enough to try, without begging or anything of that sort, I’m past that stage now.

I just need that chance.

 

How positive are you that there is no chance and what is the biggest proof for that?

[smackie9]

I'm going by what she has told you. You can't force/make someone to take you back or love you again. She's made it clear to back off, she's not ready yet, you just won't accept that.

 

Now the best thing you can do is to keep in contact and let her make that decision. I believe if you push, she will push back. She's still very hurt, she's heard your apologies....now the ball is in her court.

 

I agree you must heal and move on.

 

I have been on both sides of the fence so I speak from experience....that's how I know. I've had two relationships that had messed up my life. You know when you are done with it.

 

Maybe seek out some anger management/therapy to figure out why you had such abusive behavior.

[Eastman]

Back off as in “not ready to meet”?

 

She didn’t flat out said no by the way, about meeting, she hesitated.

I’m just trying to understand why is she stressed about meeting me.

-is it because she can’t forgive me?

-is it because she still has feelings and doesn’t want to deal with it?

 

The last time we met, i said nothing about getting back together, i acted casually and helped her with boxing her stuff that she left in our previous apartment (where i still lived back then).

[smackie9]

Ask her for yourself.

 

Me, I think she knows you want to get back with her because you haven't moved on yet (no GF) and still want to meet up with her.

 

Has she forgiven you? probably not. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to try again. She doesn't trust you.

 

BTW her being hesitant is a NO for now.

[Eastman]

Ask her for yourself.

 

Me, I think she knows you want to get back with her because you haven't moved on yet (no GF) and still want to meet up with her.

 

Has she forgiven you? probably not. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to try again. She doesn't trust you.

 

BTW her being hesitant is a NO for now.

I’ve been on dates but it’s not exactly easy to get into a relationship after what we’ve had, which was very intimate, intense, but great for the most part.

Pretty sure she isn’t seeing anyone either.

 

Smackie's right. You need to ask her those questions.

 

You have to stop being so fearful of letting go. She's already told you she can't forget the bad things and the fighting.

You may love her, maybe she loves you, but having been there, done that, it is never enough to reunite.

 

You want those bad memories to fade out. Will she want to try again? Not likely. Usually a woman who is done, is done when they walk away from toxicity. I personally never returned to a bad relationship with fighting and abuse. It feels liberating to be removed from it. She likely feels the same way.

 

You both have changing to do. The last thought on your mind should be a reunion. You should just focus on altering your behaviors on how you handle conflict.

 

I worked a lot on that, emotional stability.

Also, I’m not getting the impression that her life is better without me.

[Eastman]

There is a lot of substance in what you are saying, but I'm still confused.

I know that I shouldn't push her to meet if she doesn't want to, maybe I'll back off for a while.

But the thing is, she is special, everybody says that, but she is a special person, for good and for bad.

I don't think that she would've initiated anything or told me anything like her life is worse without me, even if it is the case.

She is proud, and stubborn.

She had a hard time making up with me after the fights even when she was in the wrong.

[boltnrun]

"On the phone, today, she said that not enough time has passed for her to feel comfortable to meet with me, maybe in a couple of years she said... "

 

This doesn't sound "hesitant". It sounds like "no"...at least not for a couple of years, and even though, she stated that as a maybe.

 

Advice on what to do next? Allow her to continue to contact you on her own timetable. Allow her to suggest meeting up. After all, if she's that special she's worth waiting for, correct?

[Eastman]

I appreciate all of your replies.

 

The main consensus is to leave her alone for now? or keep some minimal contact via texting but only if initiated by her?

I know it is solely my decision, but it is interesting to hear opinions from people.

I just really want to refrain from playing ego-games, you know? Waiting for her to initiate contact is right in some cases, I just don't feel like this is that case.

 

What I think is that she does has some feelings for me, which is why it is difficult for her to meet with me. I think that she remembers many good moments from the relationship

but doesn't trust me and can't forget certain things that happened, there was no cheating by the way.

 

At the moment, I would've just liked to spend time with her, as 2 people, without anything relationship related and see where that goes.

But I just need that opportunity, and by stopping LC with her, I'm not sure if it could ever happen.

I see it as challenge, and a process, and I would enjoy that process, I just don't know if I'll get the chance to continue that process, or not.

[SooSad33]

t isn’t this supposed to be the getting back together forum?

- yeah, thats what it says... cause YOU put it here. But, doesn't make it so.

 

Others are trying to explain to you how it is, based on your explanation of the BU and outcome... but you can sit in

deinal if you wish.

 

Fact... she has NOT admitted she wants to get back with you.

 

If you feel you cannot handle just being a friend cause of you emotions at this time.. then you have to tell her that.

 

Then back off.. totally! No more communication to work on your healing & accepting what is.

 

I am sorry you're hurting.. we have all been there.

[TheOutlaw]

You are being needy and she is on the scent like a shark to blood. You are making the classic mistakes.

 

1) You are way too accessible. 2) You are acting dependent by asking her to hangout and for her “help”. 3) You are talking to her way too much.

 

She has given you the answer you are looking for. She feels pressured. When it comes to women, pressure is the enemy.

 

She broke up with you, correct? Make her feel that absence.

[Usa1ah]

I think she isn’t over you yet. She is avoiding you because her heart says yes but her mind says no.

 

This is the only reason I can think of for her getting stressed the last time the two of you meet. Why else bring up that she remembers the bad times when she did. I think your mom and hers have been meddling.

[Usa1ah]

Has she been dating?

 

Have you been dating?

[Eastman]

I think she isn’t over you yet. She is avoiding you because her heart says yes but her mind says no.

 

This is the only reason I can think of for her getting stressed the last time the two of you meet. Why else bring up that she remembers the bad times when she did. I think your mom and hers have been meddling.

 

To be honest our moms spoken only twice since we broke up.

 

Has she been dating?

 

Have you been dating?

 

I don't know if she has been dating or not, I wouldn't be surprised if she did, but as far as I understand she isn't seeing anyone at the moment.

I've been dating a lot, it is not working for me at this moment.

[smackie9]

Some people, like myself, Don't bother with a serious relationship until about a year and a half of being single/dating around. She might want to get her past relationship out of her system first. All those memories and emotions take time to dissipate. That would be the reason why you are not having any success...you are still hung up on her, and none of those women don't have a chance.

[Eastman]

I guess I would just like to get a chance at showing her that I've changed in some ways, and spend time as 2 people, but I just need that chance...

[OhGreat]

Dude, as harsh as it is she is not interested. I’m sure she still has some feelings for you but it’s is not enough for her to want to get back together now or likely ever.

 

The reason she felt uncomfortable is because she sees right through you and knows you want back in. Her saying maybe a couple of years means if you don’t have feelings for her by then.

 

It’s not a challenge to get her back, the challenge is in moving on. In order to do that you must completely cease any contact with her. There is no point in giving her anything but a short reply if she reaches out.

 

Trust me, my ex was far less over me than yours and she had never come back and never will. We hardly argued and I never raised my voice or called her names. But, for reasons unknown to me, she decided she was done and left.

 

Women RARELY change their minds once they decide to leave. And if they do, it only seems to coincide with you not wanting them back.

 

Everything you have written here is textbook for a girl who may care about you as a person, but has zero interest in ever getting back together. It sucks, but she has given you the closure you need to move on.

[Eastman]

Thanks for your reply!

 

I disagree though that she felt uncomfortable when we met, and cried, because of my feelings for her.

I acted completely calm, i didn’t speak with her about the relationship of anything like that, she was the one who looked stressed, I was calm.

[canadaman815]

Sorry to hear about this difficulty. It sounds like you two started out with good intentions and genuine feelings, but were weighed down by fairly frequent fighting and personal issues/differences that made it difficult for you to relate to each other. I admire your desire to get back with her and repair the relationship, but you may need to ask yourself, do you think the two of you are compatible and would work out long-term? Would the issues that separated you in the first place still be there, or have you actually worked on them since then? It's easy to idealize, but often if people haven't worked on positive changes within themselves, the same problems will rear their ugly heads.

 

Have you been to any kind of counseling or therapy since your first separation to help you process it, and to help you work on self-improvement? While it takes a lot of motivation to do something like this, it has been very beneficial for me in the past for helping me understand myself and my behaviors better. What will insure that the two of you won't get in fights again? Hoping that this struggle becomes easier, and that wise decisions will be made.

[Eastman]

Sorry to hear about this difficulty. It sounds like you two started out with good intentions and genuine feelings, but were weighed down by fairly frequent fighting and personal issues/differences that made it difficult for you to relate to each other. I admire your desire to get back with her and repair the relationship, but you may need to ask yourself, do you think the two of you are compatible and would work out long-term? Would the issues that separated you in the first place still be there, or have you actually worked on them since then? It's easy to idealize, but often if people haven't worked on positive changes within themselves, the same problems will rear their ugly heads.

 

Have you been to any kind of counseling or therapy since your first separation to help you process it, and to help you work on self-improvement? While it takes a lot of motivation to do something like this, it has been very beneficial for me in the past for helping me understand myself and my behaviors better. What will insure that the two of you won't get in fights again? Hoping that this struggle becomes easier, and that wise decisions will be made.

 

The fighting wasn't always there, it was a very emotional and intimate relationship.

I didn't go to counselling but I did make a very big effort to work on myself and try to self-improve myself, and I still do.

Thanks, I hope so too.

[OhGreat]

Thanks for your reply!

 

I disagree though that she felt uncomfortable when we met, and cried, because of my feelings for her.

I acted completely calm, i didn’t speak with her about the relationship of anything like that, she was the one who looked stressed, I was calm.

 

When my ex moved out she was a mess. Like literally on the floor doubled over in physical pain crying her eyes out. She was convincing herself it was the right thing to do. We nearly had sex only stopped by me but did everything else other than intercourse. You would think I was the one leaving her. I was calm and cool and helped her and her friend move all of my ex’es stuff which took about 10 hours.

 

My points being:

1) Just because she doesn’t want a relationship (WITH YOU), doesn’t mean she is comfortable around you.

 

2) Despite you saying nothing, she KNOWS you want her back. Remember, she left YOU.

 

 

3) Even though she ended it, it is still sad. It’s akin to putting an ill suffering pet to sleep for her. She hates that she has to do it, but knows it is the right thing.

 

4) She feels guilty for hurting you and doesn’t want to lead you on.

 

5) you can be Joe Cool all you want around her and she will still sense your feelings. She will also sense when you have no feelings for her but you are not there yet.

 

It’s hard to see the obvious when you are knee deep in it. I’m offering you my life experience (as well as that of countless men who have been dumped) so you can try to understand what is going on.

 

But, you have to take your own path and make your own mistakes to really learn. Best thing you can do is realize it is over forever and walk away and never look back. Easier said than done, but literally the only thing you can do.

[Eastman]

When my ex moved out she was a mess. Like literally on the floor doubled over in physical pain crying her eyes out. She was convincing herself it was the right thing to do. We nearly had sex only stopped by me but did everything else other than intercourse. You would think I was the one leaving her. I was calm and cool and helped her and her friend move all of my ex’es stuff which took about 10 hours.

 

My points being:

1) Just because she doesn’t want a relationship (WITH YOU), doesn’t mean she is comfortable around you.

 

2) Despite you saying nothing, she KNOWS you want her back. Remember, she left YOU.

 

 

3) Even though she ended it, it is still sad. It’s akin to putting an ill suffering pet to sleep for her. She hates that she has to do it, but knows it is the right thing.

 

4) She feels guilty for hurting you and doesn’t want to lead you on.

 

5) you can be Joe Cool all you want around her and she will still sense your feelings. She will also sense when you have no feelings for her but you are not there yet.

 

It’s hard to see the obvious when you are knee deep in it. I’m offering you my life experience (as well as that of countless men who have been dumped) so you can try to understand what is going on.

 

But, you have to take your own path and make your own mistakes to really learn. Best thing you can do is realize it is over forever and walk away and never look back. Easier said than done, but literally the only thing you can do.

 

I understand your point of view, but I know if I go NC again, it basically means I’m giving up on her forever. This is something I probably or possibly have to do eventually, but I don’t feel like I’m ready to give up yet.

 

I’m sorry it didn’t work out with your EX but I don’t think it means it always works out that way for everyone.