defiant wife

[Charles64]

After 6 yrs of marriage my wife is fully aware of my likes and dislikes. I will do what she likes and wants because I know what shes likes and wants and I want to please her. However its like pulling teeth to get her to do what I like and I'm not talking about weird crazy stuff either, nothing painful or uncomfortable. This is also not one of those one sided situations where shes not getting anything out of it, she orgasms at least once 99% of the time, usually two or three times to my one.

We've talked about this more times then I want to count to almost no avail. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I really think its a subconscious thing because she swears shes not doing it on purpose she just doesn't think about it.

[Wiseman2]

Is this a BDSM situation where she's supposed to obey you?

[thealchemist]

Well you cannot make someone do something. Especially if she is your wife.

 

I would dig down and communicate with her to see the reason she won't participate.

 

Also, without know the act it is hard to guess.

[Hollyj]

Did she do these things in the past?

[Charles64]

its not bdsm like I said no weird stuff and its all stuff shes done before. We've talked about it ALOT and it seems to have almost no affect. Part of it is sex drive on her part... we have two kids and shes not always confident with her appearance even tho I let her know all the time how attracted I am to her and how beautiful she is. It just seems like she will go out of the way to not do stuff. She'll play along with my hints and then turn around and deny me when it comes down to it. maybe its more of a psychological problem then a sex problem.

[Wiseman2]

Stop talking and begging. Start bringing back the romance. date nights, baby sitters, weekends away without kids and so on. Usually it is psychological. Or you've gotten into the mommy and daddy rut.

We've talked about it ALOT and it seems to have almost no affect. She'll play along with my hints and then turn around and deny me when it comes down to it. maybe its more of a psychological problem then a sex problem.

[thealchemist]

Hard to be specific with vagueness about the act but I'll try to elaborate.

 

I am just going to use a blow job for simplicity.

 

Just because your wife has given you a bj before doesn't mean she likes it. It also doesn't mean she should be obligated to do so again in the future.

 

Don't tell your wife she should do it again because she has in the past. Because that is about the best way to stop sexual experimenting with your spouse.

 

Why do it in the first place if it will be used against you later?

 

And just because you liked it doesn't mean she did. Some people just don't like to do particular sexual acts, and it is unfair to expect them to.

 

Now if this is something you did a lot and it just stopped or slowed down a lot I can understand your frustration.

 

Now all that being said. I am married with 2 children also. I worked hard to have the awesome sexual relationship I do have with my wife.

 

My first bit of advice is that your wife's sexual issues with you are most likely in no way sexual in origin.

 

How is your wife? Has she has a hard time lately? Are you guys not as close emotionally? Do you need more couple's time? A lot of why...

 

Figure out what the issue is and work on it.

 

99% of sexual issues men have with their wives happen because of emotional seperation and the woman pulls back sexually, at least in my experience.

 

Rarely is it sexually based for the woman.

[abitbroken]

It is troubling that you use "defiant" as a word.

 

Your wife is not defiant. She is a normal woman that is not as confident about her body after two pregnancies - pregnancy changes your body A LOT - and chasing after two kids is exhausting as well.

 

I agree with Wiseman - bring back the romance and you will see better results. And not just "i did this one thing and so she better put out".

 

 

its not bdsm like I said no weird stuff and its all stuff shes done before. We've talked about it ALOT and it seems to have almost no affect. Part of it is sex drive on her part... we have two kids and shes not always confident with her appearance even tho I let her know all the time how attracted I am to her and how beautiful she is. It just seems like she will go out of the way to not do stuff. She'll play along with my hints and then turn around and deny me when it comes down to it. maybe its more of a psychological problem then a sex problem.

[reinventmyself]

It is troubling that you use "defiant" as a word.

 

Your wife is not defiant. She is a normal woman that is not as confident about her body after two pregnancies - pregnancy changes your body A LOT - and chasing after two kids is exhausting as well.

 

I agree with Wiseman - bring back the romance and you will see better results. And not just "i did this one thing and so she better put out".

 

Thank you for saying what I was thinking. Sex is often a delicate and sensitive thing to navigate. The mere fact that he used the word defiant is very telling.

 

She may be fully aware of what you like but apparently it makes her uncomfortable doing it.

Just because you want it doesn't mean you are entitled to it. If she just forgets, can you ask her in the moment?

And keeping score doesn't help either btw

[abitbroken]

Thank you for saying what I was thinking. Sex is often a delicate and sensitive thing to navigate. The mere fact that he used the word defiant is very telling.

 

She may be fully aware of what you like but apparently it makes her uncomfortable doing it.

Just because you want it doesn't mean you are entitled to it. If she just forgets, can you ask her in the moment?

And keeping score doesn't help either btw

 

Also, sometimes during sex you go with the flow and make it up as you go along. if things are happening a particular way - let's say the kids are with the grandparents and you are having some fun spontaneously in the kitchen -- saying "well, this is no good, i like it in the shower. you are a defiant woman" etc. well - it doesn't even fit the scenario of what you were doing.

[Charles64]

Thank you for the advice that was given. Maybe defiant wasn’t the right word but after multiple conversations with my wife it was the word that popped out. For example I don’t particularly enjoy going down on her for 15 mins til climax but I do it because she likes it and thats mearly my point. As for the last comment spontaneous in the kitchen would be a huge step in the right direction. With two little ones we are pretty much limited to after 9 when they are asleep and I get out of the shower. My irritation comes when she finally makes it to bed after her routine and then lays there staring at me like shes never had sex before. We do get occasional date nights and I surprise her with gifts/flowers etc, there is romance but with kids you don’t always have time for romance just sex. Lets say sex twice a week for 6 yrs thats 624 and we weren’t always parents so its way more then that theres no reason for her to act awkward about any of it. Not to sound like a wuss but I’d like to feel wanted too. Considering the amount of orgasms I give her it would be nice to see some appreciation or at least not act like its a chore. Its like she forgets its fun till after she cums and then shes all kissy lovey. Or maybe shes just spoiled and nows I’ll give her orgasms whether she does what I want or not? She could just put some heels on and lay there at least that would show me she wants it and is at least ready when I get out of the shower so I don’t have to wait twenty minutes for to get done staring at her phone to find out if shes down or not.

[Seraphim]

Is there romance that leads to sex or just sex? You have to seduce a woman’s heart and mind before the sex. Not just blam I want sex.

[Wiseman2]

Marital counseling may help. Orgasm scoring and pleading, talking to her, etc. obviously isn't helping.

With two little ones we are pretty much limited to after 9 when they are asleep and I get out of the shower. with kids you don’t always have time for romance just sex. is at least ready when I get out of the shower so I don’t have to wait twenty minutes for to get done staring at her phone to find out if shes down or not.

[abitbroken]

My irritation comes when she finally makes it to bed after her routine and then lays there staring at me like shes never had sex before.

 

Why don't you do story time with the kids and get them off to bed, make sure there are no dirty dishes in the sink, etc, so she can do her before bed routine.

 

They say sometimes if you are not in the mood and your partner is-- you get in the mood as you go on. her "laying there" and letting you start something may be her way of doing it. If you have sex twice a week - that's really good. I think that if you don't like oral sex for 15 minutes, than don't do it. What exactly do you want her to do ?? Telling er "i want you to be more X" is hard to hear and hard to change. "i would really be fun if we tried x' is something more understandable and measurable. And you admit its hard with 2 little kids running around