timeless

[candlelit]

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I really respect the person that he is. We have great conversations, we laugh constantly when we aren't fighting and have a great connection.

 

Over the past 2 years he has had very minimal free time due to university commitments- working around 14 hours a day all week. Because he is at uni haven't been able to go on holidays, make plans for the future or really have a lot of fun socially. He still lives with his parents while I live in a share house and support myself independently. He is very dedicated, almost too dedicated to his career and I respect that sort of commitment but also end up missing out on a lot of time and attention that I feel I need. He recently finished uni and started a job that is not yet completely stable. He is very stressed and works 12 hour days. Lately he has been so stressed that he continues to make small mistakes such as confusion of dates etc. Every time i ask him over or we make plans he runs late.It's usually about 2 hours that i wait for him before i start to get really annoyed. It happened again this previous weekend and I started to tell him how impatient I was and how disrespectful it seems. He went on to accuse me of not being there for him when he needed it because at that moment he was so stressed he couldn't even muster the energy to brush his teeth. i offered to come to him and he rejected the offer.

 

We then went on to have a big fight and he said he needed space. He hasn't spoken to me properly in days now and I don't know if I'm being a pushover for putting up with it but its so hard to leave him because when we are together and happy it is SO GOOD but when we are bad, we almost always end up breaking up temporarily and he ends up leaving and needing space from me which only makes me more frustrated from the lack of time we get to spend together. I wish I could see the future and find out whether once he is in a more stable job and we live together that my need for more attention will be fulfilled or whether he will always just find some other commitment to put before me and our relationship. I don't know whether perhaps i am being too demanding with his time, or whether perhaps our outlooks on life are just not compatible. Wondering if anyone has any advice they could give me or any insights on how to deal with a man that is highly passionate about his work.

thanks :)

[DanZee]

I know what it's like to have a job where you often work 60+-hour weeks for weeks on end. But I always made time for my girlfriend at the time and I never fought about it. I'm afraid he's showing signs of being an emotionally abusive boyfriend, that is, using arguments to make it seem like you're the one causing problems, that you're not being supportive enough, and that you should wait for him when he's ready to see you. He's not going to change. He would have changed when he transitioned from school to work. Part of the abuse cycle is that when he's loving, everything seems right, but if you say or do one wrong thing, he turns on you and accuses you of all sorts of things.

 

But the most important takeaway from all this is that he's placed you as a pretty low priority in his life. I would have thought that when he got his job he would have wanted to move out of his parent's place and move in together with you. You should be the most important thing in his life, but unfortunately you're not. You shouldn't have to settle for an occasional boyfriend. Dump this guy and find someone who actually loves you.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately there's been a shift in his life with working. Also your priorities are different. He is more focused on building his career and you are focused on building the relationship. It may be best to break up so that he has the time he wants to work etc and you have the time to focus on dating/relationships.

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We then went on to have a big fight and he said he needed space.when we are bad, we almost always end up breaking up temporarily and he ends up leaving and needing space from me

[SweetGirl28]

Don't ever stress a guy who's already stressed with unnecessary drama.

 

You could solve it by setting date nights in advance with definite plans. Or you can leave because you need more attention and his schedule is filled up with work. I'll tell you though, appreciate a guy that works hard. If he was spending his time playing video games and hanging with buddies, I'd see you being upset. But he's at work. Anyway sounds like you want different things at this point so take a risk and let go to find a guy who has time, but realize you might be letting go of someone good.

[purplepaisley]

If you stopped communicating with him, and if you stopped pressing for dates and times together, and if you stopped trying to plan your life around him, do you think he would notice? I mean, do you think he'd put some work into it, or is it you constantly on the chase? If you didn't call after him when he's 30 minutes late, then an hour, then two hours, would he show up? I'm not saying to put him to a "test" or anything like that, I just want you to THINK about this...who makes the plans? Who is asking when will we see each other? Who is calling and reminding that there's a date planned? Who is reminding and confirming plans are still on or if there's a new work or school issue that's popped up? Who is calling because two hours later, the guy still isn't there? Does he ever call? Does he let you know that an issue popped up and he's running late?

 

Look, he has his priorities, and you have to work around them. Constantly people have to determine if this busy lifestyle is something they can work with and "wait it out" or if they need to pursue someone who's in a more similar place to themselves personally. People who are less busy have a hard time working with someone who is very busy. This isn't to say anyone is wrong, but you do have to determine if it's time to move on.

 

I don't know that he ever prioritizes you. To "mix up dates" and to be two hours late is excessive and clearly he manages the rest of his life and shows up for these things, on time and on schedule, so you know he's capable...you just don't hit high priority.

 

You need to make the choice. You can't pile on more drama to his life, and if he doesn't have the time, he doesn't have the time. You need not wait around...two hours? I would be telling him not to bother after 15 minutes at this point. You've done too much waiting and he has exhausted the "sorry, running late" excuses, and I'm not kidding you, change into your jammies and settle in for Netflix and don't even consider him, let him know you're done for the night, or go out with your friends, but no more waiting around. When you talk to him, don't pressure for date time, just see if he's available, and if he's wishy-washy, just plan something else. You need to prioritize you and your other life outside of him. Seriously, pick up a hobby you can do at home or plan to go out with friends or hobby/activity, and make that your plans...and I don't care if that's hanging out on the sofa for some power-watching and making sure you trim the dog's nails...whatever it is, no more waiting around. If he's running more than 20 minutes late, the plans are nixed, especially if you have to contact him for an ETA and he hasn't given you a "heads up."

 

I've done this, OP, and I do a lot of waiting, and I'm okay with waiting and working around busy schedules, but there has to be a level of give and take, and if he NEVER prioritizes you...well, you need to decide if he's worth sticking around for or not, and I'm thinking not because there doesn't seem to be much effort on his part to prioritize you. It's disrespectful of your time and your life to keep you hanging in excess of two hours and to make plans with you and then have other things to do and bail on the evening. It hurts and makes you angry, and how many times have you pushed aside other things you'd like to do to accommodate his few precious moments that he has...and he bails?

 

You can't force it, and I suspect if you weren't after him all the time on getting together, you would slowly fade out...or he'd contact you when he's feeling especially horny or lonely, and then he's off on his busy schedule again, leaving you in the dust, knowing you'll be around the next time he gets back around to you.