Stuck in the obsessive stage of a break up

[Pelotte]

I don't know if what I am experiencing is normal, but I feel like my healing process is not progressing (at least not fast enough)...

 

He was my first boyfriend and he ended our relationship after 5 months 4 weeks ago. At first, he was all I ever wanted in a partner : sweet, very caring, funny etc ... But he behaved poorly when we broke up ripping himself off the pedestal. To sum it up, he said he lost feelings and that was probably due to the fact I was not his type, then he started to list all the things he didn't like about my appearance (my hair color, my weight, my hands, my belly ...) even though he knows I am very insecure about my body :( ! He said he had an "ideal" and was not ready to give it up. And when I pointed out those comments were hurtful and unnecessary, he said "you asked me why I wanted to end it, that's why". He was very insensitive and cold-hearted and I had no idea he could behave like this. At the end, he left a note in a book he gave back to me telling "the truth is I loved you but i was scared" and when I emailed him about it, he said he had nothing to add... So that was a messy break up, at least for me

 

Now, I have been doing no contact for 3 weeks, I have no intention to speak to him at all and I don't feel the urge to check on his social media. And that is the part that worries me : after the break up I was so disappointed in him that I was just glad it was over. I was in shock about his comments. All my friends kept telling me I was better off without him and that he was a bit of a narcissist, and I believed them, I really did. I began to work out, to go out with my friends, spending time to do my hobbies etc ... And I was doing better and was very proud of myself

 

But those last days, I have been feeling sad that everything is over. After all I was invested in the relationship and to see it collapse ... that hurts :/ I keep reliving the good moments, when he was loving and adorable, and seem to forget the times he behaved like a jerk. I crave his touch, his kisses and his cuddles Sometimes, I feel stupid because I start to idealise him again, to fantasize about us getting back together even though I know deep down it would be a terrible idea ! It's like my brain is making up excuses for him. And I don't understand how I can miss someone who obviously was not good to me, I feel weak. I am tired to think of him all the time, it's exhausting and I don't think he is worth the pain.

 

However, I do have moments of lucidity where I firmly believe our break up was for the best. But I wonder if it is normal that it is interspersed with others (not so pretty) feelings ? Is it normal that I still feel sad about the loss ? When will I stop obsessing about him ? What do you think of the book note ? Should I pay attention to it ?

 

Thank you very much, and I am sorry because English is not my first language !

[SooSad33]

Yes. If you invested your emotions in this relationship.. as you work on accepting it's over you will go thru all of the phases pf loss/grief.

 

You will feel the anger... then miss them.. second guess it all.. and you will hurt for a while. It often comes in waves.. the anger.. to missing them, etc.

 

After some time.. it should start to ease off.

 

Less interaction the better so you can do this.

[GoodGumbo]

Just push through. You will have these moments of sadness but let it happen and then move on.... you sound very healthy and like you are having a normal reaction.. keep up the great work on yourself!!!

[maew]

Your reaction is normal not to worry... all these phases and ups and downs are part of the process. As you continue to stay NC, the phases of lucidity will get much longer.

 

I dated someone for 4 months in the summer that I was absolutely smitten with... we broke it off for good in November... it took a good few months for me to move on. And with my ex husband, who was a jerk, I still go through periods of sadness about that one, over two years later. Even a guy I had a crush on, we went on one date, it took me two weeks to stop obsessing!

 

It's best to just accept these feelings as part of the process and not fight them otherwise it takes even longer.

[Leah2337]

The good news is there are many of us going through it. You will have plenty of compassionate, helpful people that understand. The only way out is through unfortunately.

[Pelotte]

Thank you very much to all of you :) Your words are really helping me. I guess I just have to get through this.

I will definitely focus on myself and my happiness

And what about that book note ? Should I just burn it and move on?

[JA0371]

Hey sweetie....hope you're ok.

Just know ..an actual 'nice, compassionate and caring' person would never ever say the mean things that he did to you then twist it back around as if you asked for it. He is a jack wagon...believe me!! You will be fine...much better without him. I am glad you realize your worth, because SO many people don't! Hang in there...you'll be ok!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What you miss is the idea of a relationship, not him. You avoided a nightmare by ending it after only 5 mos. He sounds like an abusive jerk. (Read up on warning signs of abusive relationships).Now you are free to find decent guys to date.

he said he lost feelings and that was probably due to the fact I was not his type, then he started to list all the things he didn't like about my appearance my hair color, my weight, my hands, my belly

[kehratha]

Pelotte, I am sorry that you are hurt, but what he said to you at the end is pretty awfull and mean. You deserve better and you will, beleive me.

 

The note might be some remorse...maybe he was thinking he was such a jerk and wanted to kinda ease the guit of being such an a****.

 

Don t think too much about the note...is not meaningful now...keep up the good work with NC and good luck, dear!

[Pelotte]

Hey sweetie....hope you're ok.

Just know ..an actual 'nice, compassionate and caring' person would never ever say the mean things that he did to you then twist it back around as if you asked for it. He is a jack wagon...believe me!! You will be fine...much better without him. I am glad you realize your worth, because SO many people don't! Hang in there...you'll be ok!

 

Don't worry it's getting better and your kind words warmed my heart !

So thank you very much. Indeed, I am very disappointed in his behavior, at least I know his true nature now.

I believe you and I hope I"ll be ok !:)

[Pelotte]

Sorry to hear this. What you miss is the idea of a relationship, not him. You avoided a nightmare by ending it after only 5 mos. He sounds like an abusive jerk. (Read up on warning signs of abusive relationships).Now you are free to find decent guys to date.

 

Yeah, he was pretty rough ... I am going to read that Thank you !

[Pelotte]

Pelotte, I am sorry that you are hurt, but what he said to you at the end is pretty awfull and mean. You deserve better and you will, beleive me.

 

The note might be some remorse...maybe he was thinking he was such a jerk and wanted to kinda ease the guit of being such an a****.

 

Don t think too much about the note...is not meaningful now...keep up the good work with NC and good luck, dear!

 

Thank you very much for your reply I have no intention to reach him out, that would be counterproductive and I have to be strong. I am still sad though, we really clicked in the beginning, we had so much in common and the relationship used to be so perfect

I am afraid I am never going to fall in love again.

 

Actually, when he broke up with me he quickly mentioned he was kind of afraid of commitment and that he may have "blocked" his feelings for me (I am not sure if it is even possible). I didn't pay attention at the time, because I was astouned but maybe that's related with the note. He might have backed out because I didn't match his "dream girl" and that scared him ?

 

Anyway, I know I shouldn't worry about that because it's pointless and I just need to move on

[Pat1969]

It will take time, I'm currently 7 weeks on from a breakup, I find that I don't notice the improvements, but other people do. What you are going through is very normal. Stay strong.

[Everlong13]

This is completely normal. Did you know that love stimulates the same receptors in your brain as cocaine? And when your relationship ends it's like withdrawal from drugs?

I was stuck for what felt like ages in an obsessive, depressive cycle but time and support from my friends and family got me through it. You will get there. If you're like me and want to understand the actual process you're going through, I'd recommend the work of Dr Lisa Marie Bobby and Dr Helen Fisher

[Kimbles1215]

Hey pelotte how you getting on??

[Pelotte]

Thank you everyone for your kind words ! :) I have been keeping myself really busy lately and I think I am feeling a bit better !

 

I saw a therapist last week to talk about the breakup and the relationship, and it was an eye opener :) She said he actually made me a favor by leaving and that it was for the best because we weren't compatibles, she was shocked (like you were :) ) he said all those things. And she said he may be a bit manipulative

Now I realise it was not a "good" relationship and for the first time in weeks, I feel like I wouldn't take him back in a heartbeat and that I am better off him so there's some progress, I guess ?

 

 

How about you ? I hope you are dealing well with the breakup !