Relationship Break

[Wiseman2]

Stay away. You don't want a restraining order on your record, do you? Stalking, including presenting unwanted gifts, is considered a crime. You need to address your obsession before you have legal problems.

Buy her flowers

[jimdandy]

No obsession mate. I think you took me up wrong. I'd like to win her back and was looking for advice.

[katrina1980]

I understand that you think I should move on. But I'd love nothing more than to give it one last shot.

 

One last shot? I asked this earlier but you never responded, so will ask it again (below), and hope you reflect on it and can answer honestly, even just within yourself.

 

 

So sure you miss and crave her NOW that she's gone, but what makes you so sure that if you were to get back together, you wouldn't start feeling the same way again? Thinking it's not so great after all, just like the two previous times?

 

 

Can you not at least recognize that there is a pattern here that best you explore so you don't jerk her around again, should she agree to give it "one last shot"?

 

Also you've said, while in the RL, you didn't think the RL was so great, and that you "screwed up." That you didn't show her you cared. This happened twice both during your original RL and then when you got back together a second time.

 

Why was that? Have you explored this within yourself so if by some chance you do get back together, this doesn't happen again? A third time?

 

Come on now jd, seriously. I assume you're not a young kid. You've got "issues," is this not apparent to you?

 

If you care about her at all, leave her the hell alone. Take some time out and work on your issues. No disrespect but this is pure selfishness on your part, you're not thinking of her at all (and how hurt she must have been by your "non-caring" actions, and may still be), you are only thinking of yourself, and your own needs.

 

Apologies if that sounded a bit harsh, and I'm sorry you're struggling with this, but if you don't spend some time working on and hopefully resolving your own issues re relationships and commitment, these same issues will continue happening with every relationship you have going forward (whether it's with this girl again, or someone new).

 

Best of luck.

[jimdandy]

well, that escalated...

 

the worst thing about going onto an american forum is that everyone's either an amateur psychologist or detective!

 

but seriously...

 

I'm a bit taken aback by some of the responses here. For brevity and clarity:

 

- things weren't going too great so she moved out and we took a two month break

- i basically shut off all communication during the break

- we did meet up and decided to give it a tentative go again

- after two months, my somewhat apathetic nature made her think it was best to call it a day, we both agreed on this

- the next day, i realised it was over and what a mistake i had made. i asked for a second chance (not a third as this was our first (and only) break-up)

- she declined and i reluctantly accepted

- this was a few days ago and i haven't contacted her since. nor do i have any intention of

- the fact that it was me who cut off communication for the two months flies in the face of any obsession theories

- i don't think i have any more 'issues' than the next guy, just have regrets that i should have treated her better now she's gone

- i'm 34, she's 27

- i came here to tell my story initially and then lately for advice on how we might somehow get back together

 

can i have some constructive advice please before anyone calls the cops for suggesting flowers or gets me a straight jacket for wanting a second chance!

 

Jim Dandy

[katrina1980]

No not a detective, nor a psychiatrist, amateur or otherwise, just been there done that before and know what to look for.

 

And when a guy starts lamenting his relationship, saying things like "I suppose I just want something I can't have then when I have it, it doesn't seem so great...", and acknowledges he screwed up, didn't show his gf how much he cared while in the RL, TWICE, and he gets dumped because of it, and then immediately thereafter, starts panicking and wants her back -- sorry, that's a guy who has some issues to explore, and since you asked for our opinions, I'm gonna say so, honestly and respectfully.

 

And just as a reminder, you're wanting a third chance, you already had a second chance and you blew it.

 

I'm sorry you don't like my opinion, I won't respond anymore and wish you the best in getting her back, hope it works out for you!

[jimdandy]

Lol! Alright, I'll help you. But it won't work unless she wants it!

 

You have to accept her decision, and not pursue her. If she misses you, she wil, contact you. In the meantime, work on your weaknesses. Become a better version of yourself. But.... if you want to msg her go ahead, it's your life and decision. keep it non-needy and don't beg. It will give her food for thought. But you'll need to leave her alone after that. You don't know if you're blocked or not though. If you are, you really need to leave this alone to let her heal. I can promise you this--when someone seeks space, and says it's over, crowding them will just push them further away.

 

cheers. i dunno, i think i'll give it a month or so before making any contact, don't want to appear weak or pushy. what's concerning is that when we met last week she was inconsolable, floods of tears etc when she realised it was over. when we met again after i asked for a second chance she was cool, calm and collected. clinical, too. i then sent an email the next morning apologising for how it ended, accepting it was and being thankful for the memories. her response, once more was measured, not showing any regret, thankful for the memories too but assured that it was finished. makes me think her mind might be set in stone on this one no matter what I do.

[jimdandy]

No not a detective, nor a psychiatrist, amateur or otherwise, just been there done that before and know what to look for.

 

And when a guy starts lamenting his relationship, saying things like "I suppose I just want something I can't have then when I have it, it doesn't seem so great...", and acknowledges he screwed up, didn't show his gf how much he cared while in the RL, TWICE, and he gets dumped because of it, and then immediately thereafter, starts panicking and wants her back -- sorry, that's a guy who has some issues to explore, and since you asked for our opinions, I'm gonna say so, honestly and respectfully.

 

And just as a reminder, you're wanting a third chance, you already had a second chance and you blew it.

 

I'm sorry you don't like my opinion, I won't respond anymore and wish you the best in getting her back, hope it works out for you!

 

ah come on, you're a great poster and i value your opinion. never said i didn't like it and i certainly wouldn't be of the mind that i wouldn't want you to post again. apologies for any offence caused.

 

I suppose I just want something I can't have then when I have it, it doesn't seem so great...",

this was my thinking of why i never woke up and smelled the coffee during the relationship. my belief is that, now it's officially over, i finally realise what i had was great. it never fully dawned until i got the sucker punch of a permanent break-up.

[katrina1980]

 

I suppose I just want something I can't have then when I have it, it doesn't seem so great...",

this was my thinking of why i never woke up and smelled the coffee during the relationship. my belief is that, now it's officially over, i finally realise what i had was great. it never fully dawned until i got the sucker punch of a permanent break-up.

 

I understand this, and not that uncommon.

 

However, my concern for you (and for her) and the reason for my posts is that you had already broken up once because of this, and you did get a second chance.

 

But during that second chance, the same exact feelings arose once again (i.e. your not thinking the RL was so great, not showing you cared, etc) and you got dumped once again.

 

Then immediately thereafter, you started panicking, and wanted her back again.

 

That's why I asked what made you so sure that if you were to get another chance, a third chance, the same feelings wouldn't arise again?

 

I don't know, perhaps I missed some things, and if so I apologize.

 

If you honestly and truly in your heart of hearts believe that the third time's the charm, that once you're back in, the feelings you had experienced the previous two times won't rear their ugly heads again, then talk to her, explain to her what you've just explained to us, and then leave it.

 

You're gonna have to make yourself a bit vulnerable, for it to be believable. Not too much, just a bit.

 

Then, let her think about it, and decide what she wants to do, what's best for her.

 

I will tell you though that inevitably, a certain amount of trust has been lost due to your previous actions, and it may be difficult for her to trust you again.

 

As I said before, I believe in second chances, but when a man blows his second chance (as you did, sorry), I'm pretty much done.

 

I truly do wish you the best though and meant it when I said I hope it all works out for you.

[jimdandy]

I understand this, and not that uncommon.

 

However, my concern for you (and for her) and the reason for my posts is that you had already broken up once because of this, and you did get a second chance.

 

But during that second chance, the same exact feelings arose once again (i.e. your not thinking the RL was so great, not showing you cared, etc) and you got dumped once again.

 

Then immediately thereafter, you started panicking, and wanted her back again.

 

That's why I asked what made you so sure that if you were to get another chance, a third chance, the same feelings wouldn't arise again?

 

I don't know, perhaps I missed some things, and if so I apologize.

 

If you honestly and truly in your heart of hearts believe that the third time's the charm, that once you're back in, the feelings you had experienced the previous two times won't rear their ugly heads again, then talk to her, explain to her what you've just explained to us, and then leave it.

 

You're gonna have to make yourself a bit vulnerable, for it to be believable. Not too much, just a bit.

 

Then, let her think about it, and decide what she wants to do, what's best for her.

 

I will tell you though that inevitably, a certain amount of trust has been lost due to your previous actions, and it may be difficult for her to trust you again.

 

As I said before, I believe in second chances, but when a man blows his second chance (as you did, sorry), I'm pretty much done.

 

I truly do wish you the best though and meant it when I said I hope it all works out for you.

 

hey, thanks for getting back to me.

 

i acknowledge your points. just on letting her know how i feel; this is exactly what i told her on monday when i seen her for the last time and the lady was not for turning - her mind was already set. with that being said, i suppose there's no point in telling her the same thing again a few days later and i should just let her be.

[katrina1980]

 

i acknowledge your points. just on letting her know how i feel; this is exactly what i told her on monday when i seen her for the last time and the lady was not for turning - her mind was already set.

 

Well, to be honest, she may not have believed you. I wouldn’t have. Not enough time had passed for you to introspect and reflect on all of it (your thoughts, behavior) for it to be believable.

 

In her mind, she probably thought just what you said to us -- you’re a man who wants what he can’t have. That when you had her (twice) you didn’t want her, then when she dumps you, you immediately want her.

 

I can’t say for sure, but that is what I would think.

 

Give it some time. And really take the time to reflect on all of it. If you still want her back in a month or two, then have a heart-to-heart, again you’re gonna have to make yourself vulnerable.

 

If you’re serious about wanting her back, and being committed to her, then you will be.

 

Forget about the usual things, buying flowers, romantic cards, and the like.

 

Again, take the time to introspect and reflect and if she doesn’t contact you first, reach again in a month or so.

 

Speak from your heart. Preferably, face to face. After that amount of time, she may be more inclined to believe you and take your words seriously.

[jimdandy]

It is written so: I'm off to Nepal for a month to find myself on a snowy mountain top listening to eagles calling and panpipes.

 

Seriously though, yeah I'm gonna keep myself to myself for a month and see how I feel then.

 

One other thing: is it common for girls to go into a 'phase' after a long term relationship? A girl I had a previous ltr with went off the rails a bit when we broke up which was a killer and I've read that it can happen. My current ex is a very sexual person and would often mention fantasies as a role play and kinda mess around with it but that was as far as it went. She enjoys the company of men as she is a bit of a tom boy and works in a heavily male oriented office. This, combined with the fact that she's been partying and drinking much more than before the break makes me worry that she could lose the run of herself. It may be none of my business now but it's a very troubling thought.

[katrina1980]

 

It is written so: I'm off to Nepal for a month to find myself on a snowy mountain top listening to eagles calling and panpipes.

 

 

Haha, you're making fun of all my "introspecting and self-reflecting," fair enough! I know I can get a bit carried away with all of that sometimes.

 

I do think it's important though, I always do when a RL ends, especially one that was important to me, and I learn from it so I can do better next time!

[jimdandy]

Anyone got advice on the latter part of this?

[jimdandy]

You're right. I brought a girl home last night so who am I to complain?

[jimdandy]

...which in sober hindsight wasn't such a good idea. I kept comparing her to my ex in my head. What the ****, that's hardly normal... 1 week since I seen her today, think it's getting slightly better but it's gonna be a long road...

[MissCanuck]

Yes, some people do have the so-called "phase" you are describing. But you can't dwell on it; easier said than done, of course. That's why it's so important not to remain touch with her at this time. You are not going to want or need the details of whatever she might be getting up to.

 

Focus instead on what you are going to do to promote your own healing now. As you can see, bringing home a new girl isn't the best decision when you're still mourning the end of a relationship. Learn to be happy on your own for a while, then start venturing back out there into the dating scene. Now isn't the time for it and is going to remind you of the break-up.

[jimdandy]

Thanks for your reply. As per others' advice on here, do you think I should reach out in a month if I still feel the same way and haven't heard from her or should I just let it be until she contacts me (if ever)?

[MissCanuck]

Thanks for your reply. As per others' advice on here, do you think I should reach out in a month if I still feel the same way and haven't heard from her or should I just let it be until she contacts me (if ever)?

 

No. Leave her be unless she contacts you about reconciliation.

 

And you're right, that day might never come. This has happened too many times now, and most people eventually tire of such relationships and want to move on.

[jimdandy]

2 days on the beer to escape reality. It's hitting home today, big time. I'm absolutely devastated. The best thing that ever happened to me and I've messed it up. Not sure if I'll ever get over this.

[jimdandy]

Birthday today and not even a text. Should I care?

[MissCanuck]

Birthday today and not even a text. Should I care?

 

It was your birthday yesterday? If so, Happy Belated!

 

And no, try not to get upset that you didn't hear from her. She is trying to make it clear that it's over now. I know it stings, but it appears she also understands that sending you a birthday message could have easily been misinterpreted to mean something more.

[jimdandy]

Thank you! I know the general theme of this thread is that I should leave it unless she contacts me. I just wonder, since she was devastated by the lack of contact during the break and felt abandoned - should I be reaching out to show her how much I care?

[jimdandy]

Bump.

 

She contacted me on Monday after 62 days NC via text. She mentioned that she knew I didn't want to be contacted but that it was an emergency. I replied but in a cold manner suggesting that her friends could help her. She got angry and ended the conversation. A few days later I felt guilty and said that I hope she got sorted and told her to take care. She thanked me and told me to take care too. She actually had a genuine emergency of sorts and I didn't really help her. 62 days of NC and things are definitely better though I still miss her and would probably give it another shot if she offered. Not sure I played this one well though. Ah well, I'll reset the clock to 0 and plough on.

[MissCanuck]

What was this emergency?

[jimdandy]

She was being swindled by her housemate and was basically being kicked out. She's not from my country and doesn't really know her rights so didn't know what to do. She explained what happened a few days later and she could have stayed there had I not been a **** and tried to help her. Anyway she's found a new place so it's been resolved.