I'm attracted to one of the team leads at work...

[scarletwitch]

Hey everyone!

 

This might be a long read since this is my first post here, but I'll give you a little background on my dating history since it's pretty nonexistent lmao. I'm a confident 21 year old female who has never had a boyfriend. I've had about two serious crushes that never went anywhere other than staring from the two guys I was interested in, but nothing has ever happened beyond that due to severe shyness. (and I'm only shy/nervous around my crushes, but aren't we all?) I'm actually quite glad I've never dated anyone so young, because I don't feel that I was emotionally ready to handle a relationship. But now the thing is, I'm ready to move beyond only being gawked at. I'm ready for something different.

 

This is where my newest crush comes into play—recently he's had a nice promotion from a regular old employee like me to being a team lead. Before this, we spent a short time during a shift working together months ago and that was when I really noticed him. I always knew he was around and I thought he was cute, but I never really paid it all much attention. But that day I noticed just how cute he is when he smiles, I noticed how sweet he is, and I began to notice he'd always find me in the crowd of other employees, looking at me. He still does this, but its less frequent since his position keeps him busy. Still, our interactions often consists of him asking me to do something and I'm always game because it's my job to be. But I guess because people can be super rude, he's always really thankful that I'm so willing to help out. He often comes to me, asking me to do certain things and it's because he knows I'd be up for it.

 

Now, out of the many times he'd ask a favor of me, he's responded twice by saying "Wow you're just so nice." The first time I giggled like an idiot and the second time I was a bit smoother with my response. (This is how I know I have a major, stupid crush because I never react like this??? If he says it again I totally plan on saying something just as flattering to him in return, though!) But with all of this, there are things that make me nervous. For one, he has the same name as my dad. He's a completely different race than my father and I so I feel like I could be able to commit to establishing quite the differentiation, but still? Second, due to his position, I don't think he'd ever ask me out or confess to possibly liking me. He'd run the risk of being reported if I was evil enough and didn't wish to reciprocate his feelings, but when I think about things from his point of view, I don't think he'd take that risk. Sure, we'd meet eyes upon being caught gazing at the other, and yeah I'm nice to him, but still. As I'm typing this out this all gets more and more embarrassing, but what should I do? I know I could try to flirt more even though our time together can be brief. But I'm not even sure if this is even worth pursing? What if he just thinks I'm pretty but wouldn't necessarily take it any further than being friendly? I just wanted to know if it at least sounded like he liked me, or if this is just another fluke.

 

Thanks guys!

[Wiseman2]

You both sound like good employees in your respective positions. You're correct that he's being professional and polite at work and wouldn't risk his position to flirt with female employees that he supervises. He needs his job more than a date. To gain confidence, you may want to get on some dating apps with a nice profile and pics and start talking to and meeting guys for coffee. Also join some groups, classes, courses, volunteer, etc outside of work to overcome your shyness and start have friendly conversations with guys.

I'm a confident 21 year old female who has never had a boyfriend. our interactions often consists of him asking me to do something and I'm always game because it's my job to be.due to his position, I don't think he'd ever ask me out or confess to possibly liking me. He'd run the risk of being reported if I was evil enough and didn't wish to reciprocate his feelings, but when I think about things from his point of view, I don't think he'd take that risk.

[DanZee]

Well, since he's your supervisor, I don't think you should do anything. Businesses usually don't mind equals dating, but when it comes to someone in a supervisory role, that's when accusations of favoritism and harassment come into play. But Wiseman2 gave you some good ideas on how to overcome your shyness.

[purplepaisley]

I agree that you should seek outside activities, even try OLD to meet some men, date, and overcome some of your shyness. OLD can be brutal, though, and there are creepers, so take that as you will and be cautious. It's also a lot of fun and you meet some interesting people, expand your horizons, and get out of the house once in awhile, hopefully a little smooching.

 

Dating a coworker can be a slippery slope, but as stated, when it comes to someone in a supervisory role, accusations of favoritism and harassment can become problematic. As it stands now, you are willing to do anything for this guy with a smile, and part of this is because you are crushing on him, you want to please him, and you welcome time to spend with him. This isn't just being a good employee who does their job and does it well. He comes to you because you don't give him attitude about it, and I question if he's pulling you away from your main responsibilities because he knows you'll jump through hoops to please him, and he can't manage the other subordinates who give him flak, which is his job, BTW. If he's giving you menial tasks that don't take away from your responsibilities in order to have a conversation and share airspace with you, an excuse, that's fine, and enjoy the crush. Don't let your crush put you in a position where he's taking advantage of you. I know, my thoughts are rather doomsday, but don't think this doesn't happen. This is where professional and personal lines need to be drawn.

 

I enjoy my little work crushes and expect nothing to come out of them, and really don't want it, it's just a bright spot on my day. To answer your question, it does sound like he's attracted to you, but given his role, I don't know that he'll make a move, and I don't know if it's a good idea for you to expect it or to pursue anything more than professional. How difficult would it be if he turned out to be a creep or you break up and you have to report to him at work, and will he treat you differently?

 

Enjoy your crush, but focus on people outside of work for dates and friendships.

[catfeeder]

While it might sound cliche' to say that it's a lousy idea to date anyone from your job, consider the reasons behind that. They aren't just legal, as in creating a hostile workplace for coworkers who fear favoritism and a sexually 'charged' work environment--over which they can sue any employer who tolerates that, but it also harms your professional reputation as someone with poor judgment and who can't be trusted to make good decisions. Add to that the fallout of anything going wrong along the way, which usually happens, then you're stuck with the gossip and hostility this creates--all day, and every. single. workday--on top of the problems already created by your rep and resentments from others.

 

So if this is a job you'll want to keep, I'd keep my social life out of it and do my job. If it's some dime-a-dozen job like a fast food place, then line up a new job elsewhere, and then you can make a play for the guy during your notice time on your way out the door.

[scarletwitch]

Hey everyone! After reading all of your replies, I have decided that this is definitely not something I'm going to pursue. When I look at things from his perspective and after factoring in all of the "what ifs" it just isn't a good idea to go for anything other than a friendly work based relationship. If he were still in a similar position as mine I would definitely go for it, but it's not worth it now. I'll continue to do what he asks since its my job to of course, but I'll keep it at that. No flirting or being taken advantage of, definitely. After reading some of the responses, today at work I barely even looked at or thought about him, so maybe this was just something to keep me occupied? Either way, I've decided to let this one go!

 

As far as OLD goes, I think I'll sit on the idea for a bit. I'm transferring from a community college to a university, so it's possible I could meet a guy there! If not, I'll throw my Tinder profile out there. The thing that keeps me from doing it now is telling my family that I made a profile (my dad's reaction worries me the most, he's super laid back but then again his CHILD is out there on a dating app?? Pfft lmao.) as well as the potential creeps out there as I have had more experience than I would like avoiding those types. Still, I think this would be a good introduction into the dating world!

 

Thanks guys!

[Wiseman2]

Why would your father be aware of your apps or dating life? Even if you live at home, most 21 y/o young adults do not discuss this with their entire families.

I'll throw my Tinder profile out there. The thing that keeps me from doing it now is telling my family that I made a profile

[catfeeder]

Why would your father be aware of your apps or dating life? Even if you live at home, most 21 y/o young adults do not discuss this with their entire families.

 

True. Part of adulthood is adopting discretion in what you keep private. Living at home doesn't need to keep you in perpetual childhood.

 

Use OLD for screening rather than for immediate dating. Set up quick coffee meets with lots of guys on your way home from work to check one another out. Don't build fantasies over messaging, just screen profiles and meet right away for 15 or 20 minutes to see if there's potential. Rules are that neither can corner the other by asking for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary.

 

This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table and spares you from wasting full date nights on creepers. Accepting that most people are NOT our match allows you to look at OLD as screening rather than investing time in bad matches. Those will be common, so you can allow them to pass early until you stumble upon simpatico with someone worth your time.

 

Head high. Love is rare, or what would be so special about it?

[rathomir]

overthinking it.

 

all you need is to move the needle, but have deniable plausibility...

 

Ask him if he wants to grab lunch under the guise of discussing a few work issues related to your new job. (think a few up now).

Don't push just ask once. If he's remotely interested he'll make time.

Now if the lunch convo comes to nothing, you have deniable plausibility that it was nothing but a lunchtime chat...

 

If he's shy or unsure of your feelings he might no give any verbal indication of interest but his eyes will tell all.

hold eye contact every so often a little longer than needed. if he squirms he's hooked.