Soon to be ex is much much worse than i ever imagined!

[Gymgirl71]

He has less than a month to get out and not a moment too soon. He was saying such awful things to me by text this morning, it was so horrible. It was so obvious to me that he is so messed up in the head that not even a psychologist with 50 years experience could help him!

 

I don't pretend to be perfect, and I certainly don't think I am. I have trust issues yes (and he wonders why) and I am a little insecure, but one thing I am not is disrespectful. The only time you will see that come out is if I am disrespected then I am going to let him have it.

 

But the things he was saying to me today-telling me the minute I don't get my way I kick him out, then even told me that my not being able to handle a relationship with him tells him so much (what?!) then tried to talk to me about what it takes for a successful relationship and even told me I want respect but I don't want to give it. It is the other way around actually. Want me to be accountable for "my actions" how I refuse to accept reality being in denial and I am just blaming him, how I have confrontational and crazy behaviors. Then even went on to tell me how he is comfortable in his own skin and with who he is as a person today and he can tell who is still insecure and doesn't love themselves and it is really sad. He dared to say that everytime something doesn't go my way I get nasty and spiteful. He even tried to say he has tried to work with me. No he hasn't, he has manipulated me into thinking that everything is my fault and how he has changed, and I even started to believe it was my fault. I really did, because he was so convincing and I really started to think that maybe I over reacted or should have communicated differently etc. I have to really talk to him a certain way or I am disrespectful. He wants things his way in MY HOUSE and if it doesn't go the way he says I am not willing to compromise and he has expressed what bothers him and I still continue to do it. Like I am a child. It is just so clear the kind of person he really is now. I even told him that he would rather blame me for everything so he doesn't have to admit how truly f***ed up he really is. No reply lol.

[Wiseman2]

Robot mode. It's the best BS shield out there. Don't even entertain whatever he says/texts to you. Mark your calendar for the day he has to be out by and start the countdown to peace, freedom and new beginnings with decent men. This is the whole reason for all his BS.:

He wants things his way in MY HOUSE and if it doesn't go the way he says I am not willing to compromise and he has expressed what bothers him and I still continue to do it.

[Gymgirl71]

Yes absolutely. I don't pretend to be innocent but he doesn't see how he contributed. I didn't trust him. etc I get that. But the way he acts isn't normal. He needs to be by himself so he can accept it.

[reinventmyself]

Again. . He can only wrestle with you if you agree to engage him.

Just don't. I get it's hard being under the same roof.

I like Wisemans suggestion. Robot mode.

 

I filed for divorce and had to live under the same roof for two months before my husband moved out. So I get it. He baited me continuously. But I just put on a poker face and often said to him `It's not open for debate' and walked away. Ultimately, refusing to engage him felt much more empowering than allowing him to push my buttons and get a rise out of me. Every time I felt he had won and gotten me to lose my composure and I could tell he enjoyed it. I got to a point that I refused to let that happen again. Besides, we were well past done and there wasn't anything left to argue about. At least not for me.

 

It will get worse before it gets better. You just need to be better prepared.

[Gymgirl71]

Again. . He can only wrestle with you if you agree to engage him.

Just don't. I get it's hard being under the same roof.

I like Wisemans suggestion. Robot mode.

 

I filed for divorce and had to live under the same roof for two months before my husband moved out. So I get it. He baited me continuously. But I just put on a poker face and often said to him `It's not open for debate' and walked away. Ultimately, refusing to engage him felt much more empowering than allowing him to push my buttons and get a rise out of me. Every time I felt he had won and gotten me to lose my composure and I could tell he enjoyed it. I got to a point that I refused to let that happen again. Besides, we were well past done and there wasn't anything left to argue about. At least not for me.

 

It will get worse before it gets better. You just need to be better prepared.

Yes I know...I am glad my son is gone for 10 days so he doesn't need to be around this guy. He is terrible. And he can convince anyone how I am the problem because he can act like he is such a calm, cool and collected guy. He can convince satan

[reinventmyself]

Yes I know...I am glad my son is gone for 10 days so he doesn't need to be around this guy. He is terrible. And he can convince anyone how I am the problem because he can act like he is such a calm, cool and collected guy. He can convince satan

 

No, not really. . .It depends on how you look at it.

My mother gave me some advise years ago. `If you smell a rat, chances are everyone else does too'

 

I was much like you and under duress my ex used to paint me crazy. You get caught up in the dance and you end up feeling and acting crazy. Remember one thing. .you do not need to defend yourself.

 

But if you refuse to engage him (like we keep suggesting!) and take the high road when ever possible, a few things happen ~ You feel more in control of your emotions, your confidence goes up and he no longer has that power to get you twist in the wind. He get's even more frustrated and acts even more ridiculous than he already does because you are no longer a dumping ground for all his negative BS he wants to project on to you.

 

Imagine him a pressure cooker, looking to blow off steam. When he's done he feels some relief. With no one to dump it on he's left to deal with the pressure himself.

 

I learned something in therapy and while going through my divorce. When I was weaning myself from engaging him I noticed that I could be at peace, at home maybe gardening. He would walk in, all agitated and wanted a go at me. When he was successful at upsetting me, he felt a sense of relief and in exchange I was upset. I watched this dynamic play out over and over until I got a little smarter. (transference or projection) If I refused to engage him he was still agitated. I would honestly leave the room or leave the house all together. The down side is they become more frustrated and things escalate. But what other choice do you have?

For me. . my goal was to be at peace, without him.

 

I've been divorced for 17 years and we have 2 sons together. To this day he still tries to get a rise out of me. I have learned to expect it. Not sure why because he still doesn't get the payoff he's after. What used to be really upsetting now makes me chuckle. He'll say or ask something outrageous and I just smile. Sometimes I say `thank you for reminding me'

He knows exactly what I mean, even 17 years later. :)

[Gymgirl71]

No, not really. . .It depends on how you look at it.

My mother gave me some advise years ago. `If you smell a rat, chances are everyone else does too'

 

I was much like you and under duress my ex used to paint me crazy. You get caught up in the dance and you end up feeling and acting crazy. Remember one thing. .you do not need to defend yourself.

 

But if you refuse to engage him (like we keep suggesting!) and take the high road when ever possible, a few things happen ~ You feel more in control of your emotions, your confidence goes up and he no longer has that power to get you twist in the wind. He get's even more frustrated and acts even more ridiculous than he already does because you are no longer a dumping ground for all his negative BS he wants to project on to you.

 

Imagine him a pressure cooker, looking to blow off steam. When he's done he feels some relief. With no one to dump it on he's left to deal with the pressure himself.

 

I learned something in therapy and while going through my divorce. When I was weaning myself from engaging him I noticed that I could be at peace, at home maybe gardening. He would walk in, all agitated and wanted a go at me. When he was successful at upsetting me, he felt a sense of relief and in exchange I was upset. I watched this dynamic play out over and over until I got a little smarter. (transference or projection) If I refused to engage him he was still agitated. I would honestly leave the room or leave the house all together. The down side is they become more frustrated and things escalate. But what other choice do you have?

For me. . my goal was to be at peace, without him.

 

I've been divorced for 17 years and we have 2 sons together. To this day he still tries to get a rise out of me. I have learned to expect it. Not sure why because he still doesn't get the payoff he's after. What used to be really upsetting now makes me chuckle. He'll say or ask something outrageous and I just smile. Sometimes I say `thank you for reminding me'

He knows exactly what I mean, even 17 years later. :)

Yes , this makes so much sense to me! When we would get in one of our big fights, I would take off. I would go on the boardwalk and just stay there and think. He would text, call, etc and I would ignore him. Tried to even dump him back then and I would come back and he would apologize as usual. I have to be smarter now so I can take my power back. So ridiculous.

[Liraele]

You learn a lot about people by the way they leave, I think.

[reinventmyself]

Yes , this makes so much sense to me! When we would get in one of our big fights, I would take off.

Now, take off before the fight ensues.

[Gymgirl71]

Now, take off before the fight ensues.

He is living in my apartment, he is the one who is leaving. I am staying

[reinventmyself]

Now, take off before the fight ensues.

 

you can go for a walk, right? or in another room.

[Gymgirl71]

you can go for a walk, right? or in another room.

Oh yes of course. I am mentally drained, I just want to go home and sleep

[Gymgirl71]

you can go for a walk, right? or in another room.

I get home and he starts in. So I recorded him. He was going off trying to make me feel 3 Ft tall. I only ask a simple question earlier out of curiosity, and he went to town with it. He only shut up when I pick up the phone and called my sister.

[boltnrun]

Every time he does this, remind yourself why you want him out of your life.

 

And listen to that recording every time you start to "miss" him or you start thinking you two can work it out.

[Gymgirl71]

Every time he does this, remind yourself why you want him out of your life.

 

And listen to that recording every time you start to "miss" him or you start thinking you two can work it out.

 

I’m really trying to be strong he is just making this so hard for me. I just realize how much worse he has gotten in the course of a few months. He says I’m disrespectful, yet when I say he’s disrespectful then it’s a “matter of opinion” and when I tell him I’m not going to respect someone who doesn’t show me respect I’m trying to justify my behavior. I know I can’t be imagining all this, if he spoke to me respectfully and not in a condescending way, then I would not be in this situation. He doesn’t get it and never will. Mentally, he’s too far gone, and I refuse to stoop to his level

[Gymgirl71]

Every time he does this, remind yourself why you want him out of your life.

 

And listen to that recording every time you start to "miss" him or you start thinking you two can work it out.

 

I have a few recordings as well

[Gymgirl71]

[ATTACH]11503[/ATTACH] I look at this it’s him all the way

[MissCanuck]

You really need to take Wiseman's advice and not respond to him, OP.

 

You could be doing more to help yourself here, too.

[Gymgirl71]

Ok but how do I do that with him being in the same household?

[MissCanuck]

Ok but how do I do that with him being in the same household?

 

Stop the conversation. Tell him you're not going to discuss that with him. Leave the room, put on your headphones and listen to some music, go and read a book in another room, head out for a walk if you can.

 

Living in the same house is uncomfortable and inconvenient, of course, but it by no means requires that you engage in and give him an audience for these rants he's spewing.

[Gymgirl71]

Yes I told him this last night and he said I’m going to hear it whether I like it or not. He made me so anxious so I called my sister and he shut up. Then mention later he was going to tell me why he does what he does, but since I just got on the phone with my sister he won’t bother. What does it matter?? He’s a manipulative, controlling, sob that’s all I need to know

[reinventmyself]

Ok but how do I do that with him being in the same household?

 

Easy. . walk away, don't respond, pick up the phone, go for a walk and how about flat out tell him there is nothing further to debate. Doesn't mean he won't still try but at some point when he's no longer rewarded with a response or a reaction, he'll get tired of arguing by himself and give up.

[Gymgirl71]

Yes true. He won’t have a choice when I ignore him. Then he can just lash out at himself bc I won’t be his verbal punching bag

[Wiseman2]

A narcissist's worst fear is that they are not the center of attention, the universe, etc. So he will try anything to drag you into his bs. However these are good tactics, along with the other suggestions here. Keep your face in your phone, headphones, etc. he will go elsewhere for narcissistic supply if you cut him off. If he senses blood he'll keep going.

I called my sister and he shut up. since I just got on the phone with my sister he won’t bother.

[HeartGoesOn]

Yes true. He won’t have a choice when I ignore him. Then he can just lash out at himself bc I won’t be his verbal punching bag

^

There's your answer, but you already know this.